I feel like there are some things going on right now that I need to come clean or explain about. My mind is all over the place lately.
-J says I should clarify something. The things I write on here, I write during my darkest moments. I have plenty of moments when I am my smiling, happy, normal self. Yes, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about my situation and feel sad about it, but I am dealing. I just now hit dark places more often and those are the times that I really need this blog. I feel like it is the only place that I can really say all these really dark thoughts without my friends and family thinking I need to be committed. So I hope you all don’t think I’m in some manic depressed state and that you need to put me on suicide watch. Am I depressed? Yes. More so then I have ever been. But it has only been 2 1/2 weeks since my world crumbled so I think I’m allowed to feel this way right now. I need time, plain and simple. I’ll never be able to forget and the pain will never completely go away, but in time it will fade and I will be able to move on.
-I’ve been a bad blog friend lately. I know I haven’t been commenting on many blogs lately and I apologize. I’m still reading everyday and following everyone’s journey, but the truth is about 60% of my blog roll is currently pregnant. Now let me say that every single one of you deserves this. I so glad for you guys that you are getting your happy ending, but I’m not. And as much as I love you all (and I do, every single one of you) it is hard for me to get excited about bump-dates and nursery plans. I hope that does not sound offensive, because that is not at all how it is meant. You all deserve to be happy and post about your journey, just right now I can’t take an active part in it. I’m hoping I can resolve this hiccup soon because I do want to see all of your growing bellies and bouncing babies, again I just need time.
-I’m officially on Ovulation Watch 2012. It has been 2 1/2 weeks since my D&C and as many of you probably know, my biggest fear is that I will no longer be ovulating on my own. I did ultimately decide on not taking the birth control pills this month. I spoke to my OB and she also said that she did not think the BC would have any affect on my ovulation, but she also said that she did not think it was necessary. Especially if it was going to cause me added anxiety, which it was. There are other ways to prevent a pregnancy this month…hell we have A LOT of experience with not getting pregnant. So I decided I was going to stick with my gut decision and not take them. So now I’m obsessed with whether or not I will ovulate. (Gonna get a bit TMI here) Last night I went to the bathroom and found quite a bit of CM on my panty liner. It was the same consistency as EWCM but slightly brown tinted. So I decided to check my cervix, it was high, soft, and open, but the CM around my cervix was more lotion like. I don’t know what to think. I know it is still early and that it may take another couple of weeks but I’m just praying that my body returns to how it was before this pregnancy.
-Still no test results. I actually called my doctor yesterday to get a status update and they said that some of my results were in (the ones from the D&C I’m assuming) but that the doctor likes to wait and give all the results at once. So we are most likely still waiting for my auto-immune panel, thyroid panel, and karyotyping. Yes, this annoys me a great deal that my D&C results are probably sitting on his desk but he won’t give them to me till the blood work comes in which will most likely not be for another week. I’m trying to not think about it and let it go.
-I’m going home again next week and for the first time since we moved I am hesitant about it. Hesitant because when I originally booked the plane tickets I was still pregnant. I also should have been 13 weeks during the trip so I was excited to all my friends and family in person about my pregnancy. Now what I have to look forward to is meeting my new niece who should be born any day now. It is going to be really hard. Yes she is my niece and I know I am going to love her to pieces, but it is just a harsh reminder of where I am at.
-Job search is going well. I’ve had several interviews and even am moving on to a 3rd interview at one place. I feel confident that within a few weeks I’ll have a new place to work.
Lastly I want to thank you all for your undying support and love. I know I’ve been a whinny bitch lately, and I can’t promise that will change but your comments mean the world to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.