Explanation time

I feel like there are some things going on right now that I need to come clean or explain about. My mind is all over the place lately.

-J says I should clarify something. The things I write on here, I write during my darkest moments. I have plenty of moments when I am my smiling, happy, normal self. Yes, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about my situation and feel sad about it, but I am dealing. I just now hit dark places more often and those are the times that I really need this blog. I feel like it is the only place that I can really say all these really dark thoughts without my friends and family thinking I need to be committed.Β  So I hope you all don’t think I’m in some manic depressed state and that you need to put me on suicide watch. Am I depressed? Yes. More so then I have ever been. But it has only been 2 1/2 weeks since my world crumbled so I think I’m allowed to feel this way right now. I need time, plain and simple. I’ll never be able to forget and the pain will never completely go away, but in time it will fade and I will be able to move on.

-I’ve been a bad blog friend lately. I know I haven’t been commenting on many blogs lately and I apologize. I’m still reading everyday and following everyone’s journey, but the truth is about 60% of my blog roll is currently pregnant. Now let me say that every single one of you deserves this. I so glad for you guys that you are getting your happy ending, but I’m not. And as much as I love you all (and I do, every single one of you) it is hard for me to get excited about bump-dates and nursery plans. I hope that does not sound offensive, because that is not at all how it is meant. You all deserve to be happy and post about your journey, just right now I can’t take an active part in it. I’m hoping I can resolve this hiccup soon because I do want to see all of your growing bellies and bouncing babies, again I just need time.

-I’m officially on Ovulation Watch 2012. It has been 2 1/2 weeks since my D&C and as many of you probably know, my biggest fear is that I will no longer be ovulating on my own. I did ultimately decide on not taking the birth control pills this month. I spoke to my OB and she also said that she did not think the BC would have any affect on my ovulation, but she also said that she did not think it was necessary. Especially if it was going to cause me added anxiety, which it was. There are other ways to prevent a pregnancy this month…hell we have A LOT of experience with not getting pregnant. So I decided I was going to stick with my gut decision and not take them. So now I’m obsessed with whether or not I will ovulate. (Gonna get a bit TMI here) Last night I went to the bathroom and found quite a bit of CM on my panty liner. It was the same consistency as EWCM but slightly brown tinted. So I decided to check my cervix, it was high, soft, and open, but the CM around my cervix was more lotion like. I don’t know what to think. I know it is still early and that it may take another couple of weeks but I’m just praying that my body returns to how it was before this pregnancy.

-Still no test results. I actually called my doctor yesterday to get a status update and they said that some of my results were in (the ones from the D&C I’m assuming) but that the doctor likes to wait and give all the results at once. So we are most likely still waiting for my auto-immune panel, thyroid panel, and karyotyping. Yes, this annoys me a great deal that my D&C results are probably sitting on his desk but he won’t give them to me till the blood work comes in which will most likely not be for another week. I’m trying to not think about it and let it go.

-I’m going home again next week and for the first time since we moved I am hesitant about it. Hesitant because when I originally booked the plane tickets I was still pregnant. I also should have been 13 weeks during the trip so I was excited to all my friends and family in person about my pregnancy. Now what I have to look forward to is meeting my new niece who should be born any day now. It is going to be really hard. Yes she is my niece and I know I am going to love her to pieces, but it is just a harsh reminder of where I am at.

-Job search is going well. I’ve had several interviews and even am moving on to a 3rd interview at one place. I feel confident that within a few weeks I’ll have a new place to work.

Lastly I want to thank you all for your undying support and love. I know I’ve been a whinny bitch lately, and I can’t promise that will change but your comments mean the world to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.




Filed under Depression, Infertility, Living Life, Miscarriage, PCOS

29 responses to “Explanation time

  1. Please don’t ever feel the need to EXPLAIN anything you write about (and tell J this!) here. Most of us (I assume) are not depressed to the point of suicide or living in a dark cave for years, but we go through moments that are really dark and depressing compared to how we normally are. I understand what it’s like to feel overcome with grief and depression, but still live a somewhat normal life. Because of that, THIS place is needed to get out what we’re actually feeling. I know that we all go through out “bad blog buddy” times. It’s normal. You need to take care of you and do what you need to do (or not do) to achieve that. I hope you know that i think of you often, even if you’re not around. πŸ™‚ Hugs to you and J and I’m crossing my fingers everything works out well!!!

  2. veetamia

    I completely understand where you are coming from and the need for this space to be a safehaven when you need it. I get it. And it is hard – I’m on the same position with most of my blogroll being pregnant or having babies, the one thought that pops up every time is, “When will I get there too?” Sending you hugs πŸ™‚ Keep taking care of yourself and best of luck with the job interviews!!

  3. I think maybe you’re being a bit too hard on yourself. I don’t think you’ve been a whiny bitch, just a girl going through a particularly difficult time with as much grace as you can muster. And there’s a lot there that you should give yourself credit for. I hope that your trip home is filled with love and support. Take care.

  4. Whiny bitch? Um, I think not! (And even then…you’re totally allowed to be!) And you’re totally allowed to still have lots and lots of sad, dark moments too. I remember, at three weeks, my sister basically told me to move on and it stunned me. Three weeks??? Um, really?! Clearly, that was coming from someone who has never been here. It took me a month to make it through a day without crying and, even now, I still have at least one pause of sadness each day. Like you said, it’s going to take time and how much is different for everyone. But take all the time you need and just be kind to yourself. Always thinking of you! ~ hugs ~

  5. Please take care of yourself right now, and don’t worry about being a bad blog friend. I have been thinking about you so much, wishing I could speed up time so you would be feeling better. But please know that there are many of us here who will be looking forward to the day when we can share in each others’ joy… until then, we’re all here for you no matter where you are and how dark it may be on your path to getting there.

    Congrats on the interviews, by the way! That’s very exciting!

  6. I don’t think you need to explain at all!! Most of us have been there and know exactly what you’re going through! You will get better, you will come out of it (mostly), but you take the time you need. It JUST happened!! I think everyone totally understands staying away from prego blogs too. Do what you need to! You don’t need the constant reminder! On the ovulation front, after my second miscarriage I had brown tinted CM and thought WTF?! I ovulated 4 days later so good luck!! FOr the trip, I’ve been there. It sucks a lot thinking about it, but I’ve always been surprised at how when you’re with the baby it’s not that bad. It’s always before and aafter that are the worst for me. I wish you the best of luck!!

  7. Jen

    Oh my gosh, you have absolutely no reason to apologize or feel bad for ANYTHING you write on your blog. Don’t be hard on yourself for continuing to grieve – it takes time! And your readers completely understanding and still love you anyway. and you’re nowhere even close to being a whiny bitch!

    Good luck with the job situation and with the trip home. Sending hugs.

  8. Tami

    What J doesn’t understand is that you don’t need to give any explanations. This is a safe place for all of us to acknowledged what we can’t to the rest of the world- and get the support we need. It’s ok to take the mask off here, And as far as not commenting on pregnancy blogs- I don’t think there is a woman here that would be angry at that. Right now, you need to heal.

    I feel like Goldilocks with these test results. Mine came too early when I was wholly not ready for them while yours are taking far too long when you are in desperate need of some answers. That said, I’m not sure there is such a thing a ‘just right’ when it comes to RPL results.

    I’ve been looking forward to Sunday all week. I can’t wait!

  9. D

    You have the right to feel and say anything that you are thinking right now. No need to apologize! A lot of times I read your blog and feel like I could have written the same post a few months ago. Everything that you have expressed in your posts makes perfect sense and I am glad you are able to get it out because it does help so much with the grieving process.

    I really hope that you get some answers back soon. The waiting is so hard and they definitely do spring it on you when you least expect it. Hang in there. I am still keeping you in my prayers.

  10. Trisha, you never need to explain. We all come to our blogs during the darkest times – that is why we have them. If our lives were all sunshine and unicorn farts we would be writing a craft blog or something πŸ™‚ Take all the time you need to heal. We ALL recover at different rates. As for your test results – it took a full four weeks for my karyotype and autoimmune panels to come in.

  11. You can whine and complain and bitch all you want on your blog about your IF struggles and I will still read and follow and comment and try to be there for you. Because IF is all of those things, especially a bitch. *hugs*

  12. Thank God for this community in the darkest of times. So while it’s great to know that you are having some good moments, we want this to be the place you feel you can let it all out. And you have no responsibility to read or comment on other blogs right now. Or ever. Do what you can and whatever it is that helps you process your life right now.

  13. I just want to be one more person to say that you did not need to explain yourself. But obvs it’s cool that you did and hopefully writing it all out is helpful to you. My hubs said the same thing to me before because on my old blog, I also wrote all my deep, dark, depressive thoughts and he was worried people would think I was a nutcase too. But I know you are capable of joy and accept that you are in a tough place right now. I will not pretend to understand that, but did want to say that your lack of blogging or lack of commenting has not been, and never WILL, in any way, be personally offensive to me. Do what you gotta do to HEAL, because that is important.

    Thanks for the updates! I am SO glad to hear the job search is going well! Fingers crossed it wraps up soon and you get a great job you love. You definitely deserve that πŸ™‚ Take care, girl! xo

  14. I think we’ve all been there. My husband would probably be shocked and dismayed at some of the things I say on my blog if he read it, but that’s just because he processes things differently and isn’t the one jacked up on drugs all the time. I am almost a year out from my miscarriage, so things have calmed a bit and I’m living in the dark cave a little less, but if I talk about her, I’ll cry every time. That’s just the way it it.

    Hang in there and hope ovulation is right around the corned!

  15. Blogging allows us to be honest. It’s such a relief every time after we hit publish. I do agree half to the bloggers are pregnant now and some us you, and me were there too just a couple of weeks ago too. It sucks, and it’s painful. We have to do what we need to heal, and writing our honest and yes deepest and darkest feelings helps us heal. I do hope you get your results sooner then later….I have to agree that is long time to wait. I’m thinking of you and sending you some healing.

  16. Stopping by from ICLW. You have been through so much and I am sorry for your loss. Sending lots of hugs from the east coast.

  17. Your allowed to be a whiny bitch on your own blog, πŸ™‚ we don’t mind. We all do it too hehe.

    Hopefully your results come through soon and you get some answers! Good luck and I hope you’ll be back on the wagon soon.

  18. Trisha, after everything you’ve been through no explanation is needed. I get that this place is for you to vent, release some of those darker thoughts. That’s why writing is so therapeutic: it’s a release. Fingers are crossed for ovulation and for test results very soon. Sending love too.

  19. Karaleen

    I’ve been in your shoes. You are normal. You have to get it out….this is the best place. We understand. Hang in there. and I hope the new job comes through.

  20. As a fellow survivor of RPL … I want to chime in and say that you are absolutely entitled to release here … and to be kind to yourself where you can. We’re here to listen, and not to judge.

    Wish I could come over with some peach cake and tea.

    Sending good thoughts for the job search …

  21. I just got all caught up with your story. I am so sorry for everything you’ve had to go through recently. I hope that with time, things will get a little easier. I hope the doctors can find a solution, and that you can soon have a happy & healthy pregnancy. (Hugs!)

  22. i am so sorry that you’re havingto go through this. no one deserves to experience this kind of pain. you have every right to use your blog to vent. it’s therapeutic and it can make you feel so much better to just get the words out there. i hope that your body recovers quickly and that you get your miracle soon!

    and thanks for stopping by my blog!

  23. I’m so very sorry to hear about your loss. This community truly is a stunning place… they understand and love us through our darkest times, and celebrate with us when the light returns. Sending prayers for peace for your heart and mind.

    ICLW #7

  24. Hi from ICLW. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. You have every right to feel however you feel and I think being able to express any version of that on your blog no matter how deep, dark or downright gory it is, is your right and you deserve it. Sending you so much love and strength to get through this difficult time.

  25. You have every right to feel depressed and to have a place to express that. And the fact that you commented on my blog (of the aforementioned bouncing babies) makes you a hero in my eyes.
    Cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to grieve. I am so sorry about what happened and I really hope all the test results help and you can also have a bouncing baby too. πŸ™‚

  26. Everyone here expects there to be times of sadness and complaint and fear. We know it is not the full person, just a needed outlet. Don’t ever feel like you have to apologize because everyone here supports you. I hope that you get the results soon and that they are able to give you some much needed answers. Sending you lots of support.

  27. Its hard when everyone gets pregnant and you feel left alone. IF is a horrible world full of isolation and loneliness. But I have met so many wonderful woman through this.

    You have tons of support in the internet world! Good luck to you!

  28. You are definitely not the only person who writes more about your dark feelings on your blog. I think it is because this is the one place where we can vent, where others will understand what’s happening. Hopefully you get all the answers you need soon.

  29. Sorry I’m just commenting. You never have to explain. We know and are here for you.Hoping and praying the happy times come more often and stay longer. Huge Hugz hon!

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