Making headway

In times that I am particulalry upset or going through a hard time I tend to gravitate towards things that are familiar and comfortable for me. I’ve found myself once again engrossed in the Harry Potter series. I know I’ve posted about this before but it doesn’t matter how many times I read these books, I’m always enraptured. And I always get something different out of them. Today I was finishing up “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” and I came to the part where Harry and Dumbledore are having a conversation in his office (I’m being a little vague in case of spoiling anyone who plans to read the books in the future). There were so many parts of the conversation that I related to, something I’ve never experienced before during this book. I’ve always read the words and took in their meaning, but I never felt so connected to them.

“There is no shame in what you are feeling, Harry,” said Dumbledore’s voice. “On the contrary…the fact that you can feel pain like this is your greatest strength.”

“My greatest strength , is it?” said Harry. “You haven’t got a clue…You don’t know…”

“What don’t I know?” asked Dumbledore calmly.

“I don’t want to talk about how I feel, all right?”

“Harry, suffering like this proves you are still a man! This pain is part of being human-“

“THEN – I – DON’T – WANT -TO – BE – HUMAN!”

“I DON’T CARE!” Harry yelled. “I’VE HAD ENOUGH, I’VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE -“

“You do care,” said Dumbledore. “You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”

Right now my heart is Harry. I’m sick of the pain. I sick of of fighting, I just want it to end. But my brain is Dumbledore. Telling me that my pain is normal and the fact that I can feel it like this, that I love and hope this much, can be a strength. Because honestly, I wish I didn’t care. I wish that I could ignore this sorrow, but I can’t. I have to feel it because feeling it is the only way to heal.

Everyday I feel a little stronger. Like the tears in my heart are slowly being stitched back together. I am far from healed but I’m getting to the point that I can at least talk about the future with J. Before I didn’t want to talk about cycling or where we go from here. But surprisingly enough, I feel somewhat ready. I’m glad we still are taking this cycle off so that I have at least a few more weeks before we actively try again, but honestly I’m ready to be pregnant again. To give this another shot. Of course we wait for the test result before we make any positive plans but the fact that I feel this way gives me some strength.

Tomorrow I get to have a bloggy date with my love Tami. So excited to see her yet I know it will be an emotional day for us both. I’m so lucky to have met such a great friend who has given me so much support. I won’t be able to forget that this meeting should be taken place as we both were entering our 2nd trimester, but just having her here will be a spirit booster. Hopefully there will be many more of these meetings to come maybe with some babies thrown in the mix.

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16 Comments

Filed under Depression, Healing, Infertility, Miscarriage

16 responses to “Making headway

  1. j

    Visiting from ICLW. I am glad to hear you are making headway. One day at a time.

  2. Such a beautiful passage. I’m glad you are feeling stronger, but I also understand you wishing you didn’t feel this pain anymore. That it could all be washed away.

    I wish you and Tami a wonderful day together. You are both in my heart.

  3. Thank you for this post. I love Harry Potter also and that quote also speaks to me at this time. Thinking of you as your heart heals.

  4. That is a great passage. When we were in the thick of our infertility struggles my husband and I would read the Harry Potter books aloud to each other. There was something comforting and intimate about reading together.

  5. I love this post period!!! I’m so glad you are on the mend. Have a wonderful day with Tami!

  6. Wow. I’ve read the HP series countless times (7, 8, 9, 10?) and I’d forgotten that passage until you put it here. How poignant. I’m sure we all can relate in one way or another. I think it’s time for me to go back and reread all seven books! Oh — and enjoy your time with Tami! Sometimes, however emotional the encounter, there is nothing better than being in the company of someone who can understand your pain on all its levels.

  7. I have never read the Harry Potter series… more less because I am always covered with text books (i am an eternal student 😉 ). But that conversation has so much truth in it… at some points, you want to forget, to go numb, to just not care… but as soon as that happens, it is over… I get it… I know. I have been in the place where I didn’t care. it sucks! in a different way that hurting sucks. I was just telling my husband today, “when you go through this sort of pain, then you are able to help people better because you KNOW what it takes to stand up…” Good for you! You should be proud of yourself for allowing yourself the courage to stand up! And have fun on your bloggy date!!! WOOT!

  8. Jen

    It’s amazing how easy it is to relate to Harry Potter! I love the whole series and I love how you use this passage, relating Dumbledore to your head and Harry to your heart. I’ve been in the same place quite a bit myself. Oh Dumbledore. So wise.

  9. nobabiesyet

    I love how much you are a reader and how you can find comfort in the words that is so me and I’ve never met anyone that feels the same way. It’s pretty cool. I’m so glad that you are finding some comfort somewhere that’s amazing and remember you never have to apologize or justify how you are feeling at any given moment. Just don’t get lost in the darkness, if needed find someone that has a flashlight and can walk with you. However that may be. Big hugs and love!

  10. Tami

    I’m not sure I can properly put into words how much our friendship, and seeing you yesterday means to me. I felt lighter, happier, and more hopeful driving home. YOU did that.

    I couldn’t help but gasp when I saw your Harry Potter reference. Then I giggled. Perhaps I should give him another go. 😉

    • I thought about that when we were talking yesterday! I kinda laughed that I had posted a Harry Potter reference before that conversation. I have to tell you, you did that for me too. I woke up feeling so happy and hopeful today and I know that it is because of yesterday. If anything good has come out of this whole mess it is our friendship. I treasure it.

  11. ICLW #4. Blog friends are wonderful. I was blessed with three local bloggers who all became in-person friends. It’s freeing to be able to sit down and talk with someone who *gets* it, who understands what you are going through on an intimate level. I always love to hear about other people who connect in real life after meeting online.

  12. Thanks for stopping by my blog. Whilst I do not know how hard it must be to have lost two babies I do understand that it takes every small day at a time to heal from something. I am so glad you love HP, I ADORE HP, and think, after reading this post, that it is high time I too revisited 🙂

  13. Awaiting Miracles

    I am glad you are feeling stronger. I know the pain will never be 100% gone, but it is great to hear you are gaining strength to possibly try again. It took me 3 months until I felt ready again.

  14. I’ve been wanting to read the HP books again myself but I just can’t seem to find the time. So thank you for blogging about it! After reading the selection you posted, I see it in a whole new light as well and can totally relate.

    I’m glad you are feeling better and are ready to move onto trying again soon. Sending prayers your way!

  15. I as reading the HP books again during my last cycle and it is amazing how different things jump out at you at different points in your life. The simplest line can make you think so hard and touch your heart. So glad you are feeling stronger. Praying it continues.

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