Monthly Archives: September 2012

I have a bad case of word vomit

Seriously, it is kinda out of control. Lately I’ve found myself coming up with anyway possible to talk about my infertility / miscarriages. Absolute strangers are now hearing about my TTC woes and I’m at a stage where I just don’t care how uncomfortable I am making them. They WILL listen to me talk about my babies, whether they like it or not.

It just comes out of my mouth, it is uncontrollable. It is like Lindsay Lohan (Cady) said in “Mean Girls”:

I was a woman possessed. I spent about 80 percent of my time talking about Regina. And the other percent of the time, I was praying for someone else to bring her up so I could talk about her more.

This is me and my IF. I want to talk about it non-stop and when I am not talking about it I am hoping someone will say something that will allow me to start talking about it again. Today I was getting eyelash extensions (LOVE THEM!) and I kept hoping that this lady, whom I had never met before, would ask me about the small birthstones that now live around my throat. Why do I feel the need to share these very personal moments with everyone I make eye contact with?

Let me state something for the record: I am all about being open about miscarriage. I hate that so many people feel the need to hide it like it is a dirty secret. unfortunately it is a fact of life. 40% of pregnancies end in miscarriage although  a lot of them are so early that they are not even recognized. Society is shockingly uneducated about miscarriage and infertility, and I for one refuse to act like it is something shameful.

That being said, I really don’t think that grocery store lady who is checking me out needs to hear about my miscarriages. That just makes me seem really crazy. Which I am, but why let the world know that? I know Tami has kinda been going through the same thing lately so I wonder if it is part of the grieving process? Has anyone else felt the need to tell anyone you come in contact with about your infertility?

I think part of it for me is that it makes my babies feel more real. Like they were actual children that I loved and very much wanted, rather than just a second line on a pee stick or a grainy image on an ultrasound machine. They were MY babies. So why not talk about them?

I just wish I could find a more appropriate outlet for it though. At the rate I’m going there will be a commercial of me during Monday Night Football letting the world know just how infertile I really am. I might start working on a dance routine for it…

15 Comments

Filed under BABIES!, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Healing, Infertility, Miscarriage, questions

Swim don’t sink

Let’s get real. There have been some things floating around the blogosphere lately that have got me thinking. Heavy things but things that need to be addressed. It started with Bitter Infertiles latest podcast. If you haven’t tuned into these ladies, I highly recommend it. You will laugh, you will cry, you will shout “Hell yeah!”. It is wonderful. During their last episode the spoke about an anonymous listener who was struggling with depression after a miscarriage. She was concerned about taking anti-depression medication that had been prescribed by her doctor. As they talked about this situation I really related to all those feelings of concern, doubt, and even weakness. Then Belle made a post today addressing the situation. I have never wanted to hop through the computer screen and hug a blogger more.

I have been on anxiety / depression medication since I was 18. It started with something that is extremely hard for me to admit. I’m not sure if I have ever admitted this to anyone other than my mother. Not even J. But since I was young I have struggled with something called Trichotillomania. Basically it is where you deliberately pull out your own hair. When I was probably 11 I had no eyelashes because I pulled them all out. When I was in high school there were many times that I had to strategically part my hair a certain way in order to hide the bald spots where I had pulled out all my hair. It was just how I deal with stress. Most of the time I do not even realize I’m doing it.

Of course my parents took my to a psychologist but it didn’t work out. I kept feeling like he was trying to uncover some deep secret that made me act the way I did. But there is no cause. I had a great childhood, loving parents, and no trauma. I am just an extremely anxious/stressed out person. So they put me on medication.

It has helped. I doubt I’ll ever be “cured” but it is definitely under control. I no longer pull out my eyebrows or eyelashes and I haven’t had bald spots in years. But I still pull throughout the day. Sometimes it is only once or twice, sometimes it is much worse. Right after my D&C it was awful. I found that I was scared of myself and what I was doing. But I don’t know how to stop or how to channel my anxiousness elsewhere.

Why do I mention this? Because its real. It is who I am and something I will always have to deal with. Isn’t it embarrassing to admit this? Yes. Painfully so. My heart is pounding as I am writing all this out. I’m afraid that people won’t understand or say “why don’t you just stop doing it?”. But that, to me, is like telling an infertile to “just adopt”. I can stop about as easily as I can adopt tomorrow.

My point is we all go through things. Sometimes we are dealt with a rough hand and we have no choice but to try to cope with it. In my opinion, seeking help or medication is not a weakness. It’s a strength. To admit to someone else that you are not strong enough to deal with things on your own is not easy. People don’t like to feel weak or lose face. But by doing so we gain so much.

There have been a few times over the past 2 years that I have gotten off of my medication. The first time was when we decided to start trying. I was off my medication for 6 months. At first I did great, positive that my baby was coming and that I didn’t want to take anything that could possibly harm it. After our second round of Clomid I admitted defeat. This wasn’t going to be a walk it the park and I could feel a dark cloud constantly hovering around me. So I went back to my doctor and got back on my medication.

I stopped again when I found out I was pregnant in April. For 2 weeks I was happy but nervous. We all know how that turned out, but I was optimistic. Optimistic that it was a fluke and our take-home baby wasn’t far off, so I decided to try to stay off it. In June I started feeling down again. I made an appointment with my Dr. and got my prescription refilled. I was about to start taking it again when I found out I was again pregnant. Pure bliss. That was how I describe the next 6 weeks. I knew this was it, this was our baby finally, and I was happier than I had ever been. Then the fall. The day that still haunts my dreams. My baby was gone and I knew I would never be the same. I opened that medication bottle the next day without hesitation. I have never felt more depressed than I did during the next couple of weeks. There were times that I just didn’t want to go on anymore. But I forced myself to at least try.

I know it helps me. There are still days that I am down and rightfully so. But it also keeps me more even. I am planning on continuing my medication through my next pregnancy. My doctors are in agreement and I feel that it is for the best as I know any pregnancy I now have will be filled with nothing but panic and anxiety. For me the risk does not out-weight the benefits. I know if order to do what is best for my future baby I need to be in a good place mentally.

Do what you need to do in order to cope. The reality that we are all going through right now is not an easy one. There should never be any need to feel weak or scared to admit you need help. I’m not saying everyone should be on medication, but find what works for you. Be that RESOLVE, a therapist, running, or medication. Anything really.

I found a sense of strength in  a place I never would have imagined. In a necklace that I wear close to my heart.

Aquamarine for the baby boy that should have been born March 2nd. Blue Topaz for the unknown baby that should have been born December 16th.

At first I worried that this necklace would only cut the wounds deeper. But instead, during the day I find myself reaching up to touch the tiny birthstones and I think of my babies with happiness instead of dispar. I wish I could have known them. But now the are always near me and I think they know how much I still love them.

If you ever find yourself sinking and you don’t know if you can swim up, please don’t be afraid. Please know that you are treasured and that you deserve all the happiness that life can give you. It is never going to be easy but please try. And know there are people out there that truly understand. This journey is the hardest think I have ever been through and I have had to fight more demons than I ever thought I’d have to. But I’m determined not to let this win. I might not ever get a baby, but I won’t lose anymore of myself. I can’t let it take what makes me me away.

 

21 Comments

Filed under Depression, Healing, Infertility, It's not always about me, Living Life, Miscarriage

Highs and Lows

This week has been an emotional one. I feel like I’ve been riding a wave that rises and then falls. Believe it or not I am actually doing okay after the news we got on Wednesday. Sure I still have a lot of questions and I am by no means “over it” but I accept that this is all we are going to know and that I have to make peace with that. A lot of other things happened this week though so to best lay them all out I am implementing bullet points!

  • Monday: My HCG levels that were drawn on the previous Thursday (the day we saw the sac) came back at 0. This confuddles me but I think it is the first time that I was actually happy to hear of a zero HCG result.
  • Tuesday: I have a job interview that totally threw me off. It was a 3rd interview that happened 3 whole weeks after the 2nd. For the 2nd interview I had to memorize a script, which I did and did well. They did not mention that I would have to repeat the same script at the 3rd interview (3 weeks later!) so I botched it. I don’t like failing.
  • Wednesday: I have another job interview for a position I desperately want. It is a working interview that they have scheduled from 8am-12pm. By 9:30am they have offered me the position. YAY! Comes with an awesome work schedule (M-TH 8am-7pm so I have a three day weekend every week!) and does not involve children at all. Average client age is 45. Score. I’m thrilled about the job then I get that dreaded e-mail that tells me the D&C results. Lots of crying ensues.
  • Thursday: I go for another check up at my OB’s office. There is no longer a gestational sac. But now there is a small pool of blood in my uterus. Not really a problem but my OB does predict that I will ovulate in about a week so we decide to use Methergine which will cause my uterus to contract and expel the blood. Fun weekend for me ahead.
  • Friday: I go into my old work and turn in my keys. Sadness ensues because although I have been kinda miserable there lately I will miss the people. They are good people and it really is a great place to work…just not if you are struggling with infertility. Tami calls me and makes my day.

So yeah. Interesting week. I have called my RE and I plan to meet with him to discuss the results of the D&C. Mostly what his opinion is on what we should do next (Lovenox is what I am thinking) and if we truly have to wait 2 cycles. This is the recommendation from my OB, but I know she is not a specialist in this field so I’d rather have his opinion. I know we will for sure not try this cycle, what with the blood pool and all, but I feel like we should be okay for October. Or maybe I’m just in denial. That is a real possibility.

11 Comments

Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Healing, Infertility, Living Life

D&C Results

46 X,Y. A normal male embryo. My body somehow killed a healthy baby boy and we have no idea why. I’m heartbroken.

35 Comments

Filed under Depression, Just my luck, Miscarriage

Salt in the Wound

A conversation that I had with my phlebotomist this morning when getting my blood drawn to make sure my HCG levels are declining. *Note this was not at my OB or RE’s office. It was just a blood draw place at the hospital.

Her: Which arm today?

Me: *handing her my right arm since it is closest to her* This one is fine.

Her: Oh, is that a bruise?

Me: Oh yeah, I had my blood drawn on Friday. Should I use the other arm?

Her: No that is fine.

*Pause*

Her: So are you pregnant?

Me: *Feeling awkward* Actually I am in the process of miscarrying.

Her: Oh I’m sorry…was it planned?

Me: I guess technically no, but we’ve been trying for a while. This one surprised us though.

Her: I’m actually trying to get pregnant too. I’m taking my first pregnancy test tomorrow before going to the doctor.

Me: Oh wow…good luck. *Desperately wanting this conversation to end*

Her: Yeah, I really hope I’m pregnant. I’ve been feeling kinda light headed and sorta…queasy, ya know?

Me: Those are good signs.

Her: So how do you know if you are miscarrying? Do you start spotting?

Me: *Wanting to run away although the needle is still in my arm* Well I’ve been trying for 2 years so I’m really in-tune with my body. So this time I knew something was wrong because I started bleeding too soon after ovulation. Others that I have had have been different though.

Her: Oh okay. I just really want to be pregnant.

Me: *thinking “yeah, me too bitch”* I’m sure it will work out for you. *Cries on the inside*

Her: It’s like when you have a boyfriend you don’t want to get pregnant. But when you are ready you are so scared that you won’t be able to get pregnant!

Me: Mmmhmmm.

Her: I just really hope it goes well tomorrow.

Me: *Silence*

Her: Okay you are all done.

Me: Thanks. Good luck to you.

Her: Thank you!

The end. Next time I go she will probably have a baby belly to show for it and I’ll still be in the same damn place I’ve been for the last 2 years.

25 Comments

Filed under Betas, Infertility, Just my luck, Miscarriage, People suck

Sounds about right.

There is a sac. An empty gestational sac. Are you freaking KIDDING ME?

I decided it was a good idea to get an ultrasound done just to make sure we were good for this cycle. So I called up my OB and went in for an appointment this morning. It was torturous. They were running late so for 45 min. I sat in the waiting room surrounded by pregnant women. The entire time I sat trying (and sometimes failing) to hold back tears as I said over and over in my head “I should be here…I should be here with my 16 week pregnant belly”. When I got in with my doctor I lost it for the first time since finding out about this chemical pregnancy.

She agrees that with the amount of bleeding and cramping that I’ve had that there is no way this is a viable pregnancy. But surprise surprise…as soon as the ultrasound shows up there is the sac.  We drew blood today to check my HCG levels and we will re-draw them on Monday then next Thursday I will go back to see if the sac has passed. If not, well I don’t even want to think about that.

The kicker? We are benched. For 2 cycles. No trying for us. This upsets me more than the chemical pregnancy. In January I made a wish. All I wanted was to be pregnant by the end of this year. Apparently I need to be more specific about my wishes. Because I did get pregnant, 3 times, but I will not be by the end of the year.

My OB said that the cause of this is unknown. It could be that my body and lining were just not ready. Or it could be that there is something fundamentally wrong with my body that they cannot figure out. She still believes that I will be able to carry a baby to term. She just doesn’t know how many more losses will proceed a take home baby. This is the same thing my RE said to me.

So how many more can I take? Will my heart and marriage make it through? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

18 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, Just my luck, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, Scans

Update

Thank you everyone for your comments and advice on my last post. I did listen to you all and called my doctor this morning. I also have taken 2 pregnancy tests since the initial positive. Sunday morning (the next day) there was a slight second line, so faint that you could only see it if you were staring at it and examining it in every way possible like I was. Today it was negative. The bleeding has also become quite heavy and I’m passing blood clots. My temperature also dropped this morning. Based on all this information my doctor seems to think that it was a chemical pregnancy and that there is no need to do blood tests as it sounds like most of it has already passed.

He told me that I now need to make a decision on how we proceed. Do we try naturally? Do we add Lovenox? Where do I want to go? To be honest I think he was more upset about this whole thing than I am. Truthfully…I’m fine. Really. This whole thing, compared to what we just went through 5 weeks ago, has barely made any impact on me at all. I hope no one take offense by this because I know chemical pregnancies are still hard losses for some and I totally get that. But for me it has just not been a big deal. The way I see it is my body was absolutely not ready to support a pregnancy. When I conceived I was only 3 1/2 weeks off a D&C. I probably had practically no lining for an embryo to implant in. It never really stood a chance. It also helps that I never even for a moment imagined this pregnancy going full term. That second line appeared and I knew it was already over. I have no idea what my due date would have been and I honestly don’t care. 5 weeks ago I lost a baby. This doesn’t compare in my brain at the moment. I honestly feel like this one doesn’t count towards my losses, but maybe I’m wrong about this.

If anything I am encouraged. I do not think this means that my body will be unable to support a pregnancy ever. I just think it needs more than 3 1/2 weeks after a D&C to recover and get prepared for a new pregnancy. If anything this means I should hopefully *knock on wood* not have trouble conceiving again. I told my doctor that I have now become the most fertile infertility patient ever. I know I am extremely luck in this aspect. Many would kill to have this and I recognize that it is a blessing. Now if we could just figure out how to keep the things in there for 9 months!

In a weird way I think this has helped me heal more than I ever thought it could. I now know that I can still conceive a child. I also know that I am ready to be pregnant again. I want a healthy baby in my belly. I’m willing to do what is necessary to do this. As far as what we are going to do…I feel comfortable sticking to the plan my doctor and I discussed last week. Trying naturally, baby asprin, pre-natals, metformin, vitex, and progesterone after ovulation. I want to see how this goes for a few months before adding Lovenox. We can always reassess later or even go on the Lovenox after I get pregnant. For now I just want to try to add the least amount of stress into this TTC process as possible.

Again thank you all for the support. I know I was slightly frantic when I made my last post and you all helped me calm down so much. I’m ready to move on to a new cycle.

14 Comments

Filed under Healing, Infertility, Miscarriage, RPL