Missing in Action

Sorry I’ve been a bit absent this week. I’m currently visiting my family and decided that I needed to take a break from everything that is going on right now and just try to enjoy myself. I admit I had my hesitations about coming out as I had originally planned this trip when I was pregnant and expecting to be in my 2nd trimester. I felt a little like a dog coming home with my head hung low and my tail between my legs, but honestly it has been good for me. Being here I am reminded of how much support and love I have around me. I’m in an awful situation, but at least I have people on my side to love me unconditionally while I go through it.

I knew one of the hardest things about this trip would be meeting my new niece. I even predicted to Tami that all my test results would come in on the same day that I was going to meet her. I was wrong on that account (more on that in a minute) but I did indeed go down to visit my BIL and SIL along with the new little girl that has come into our lives. It wasn’t as hard as I imagined it would be, I’ve always been a bit a drama queen. I held her more than anyone during the hour we were there. I admired her soft skin, delicate features and smelled her sweet baby head. Inside I cried for the child that I would never get to hold that way but I also knew that I was ready to try again. I questioned how I would feel about going back to cycling and honestly the thought kills me a bit, but I also know that I want to hold a child that way and have it be MY child. I want it more than anything. So as hard as it may be, I know we will move forward. It will never be the same…a bit of hope died with me on the I saw my dead baby on the ultrasound screen. But I’m going to do my best to accept what has happened and step once again into the unknown.

I still have not gotten my test results. I feel like it is the final piece to the puzzle that I need to feel some closure. I do better and better every day, but the not knowing is killing me. I called my doctor office on Wednesday and they said they were still waiting on 2 test results. My nurse said she would call the lab to see if we could work on getting them in faster but alas, I heard nothing this week. As Monday is Memorial Day the earliest I’ll hear anything is Tuesday.

I’m starting to feel very anxious and worried about ovulating. I started trying to track my CM and CP but I came away with some very mixed results. I usually have clear cut symptoms of ovulation but right now my body is a mess. Earlier this week  I thought I was close to O’ing because my CM switched to wet and sticky. I thought I might have gotten a tiny bit of EWCM but the next time I checked (a couple hours later because I’m a woman obsessed) it was gone. Now it is lotion CM which is was I usually get post ovulation. I also had nipple sensitivity earlier in the week which is one of my major O signs. I’m just confused because I didn’t have much EWCM and my CP was all over the place. So now I have no idea what to think. I might try to get an appointment with my OB to see if she will run some blood tests for me.

So that is what is going on with me. I know I am not exactly riveting right now. Just trying to heal and move on. My blog date with Tami was incredible. It is so amazing to have someone who understands so well and can empathize with. So grateful for her friendship. I get back home Monday night so I’ll try to catch up on everyone then. Lots of love to you all!




Filed under Healing, Infertility, It's not always about me, Just my luck, Miscarriage, PCOS

8 responses to “Missing in Action

  1. Enjoy the holiday with your family!

  2. I hope you are having a relaxing time! My body is all wacko too right now…waiting for my post d and c period is like torture.

  3. I’m so glad to hear this trip has been good for you and that you are surrounded by so many loving and supportive people. And I’m happy for you that it was a bit easier than you expected to meet your niece. But I totally get how you want to hold your own baby like that some day. I feel the same when I visit my nephew. *hugs*

  4. So nice to hear that you’re feeling loved and supported by your family at this time. Not everyone has that and I’m glad you do. But I’m sorry that your body is sending you mixed signals — I know that’s frustrating and confusing and scary when you don’t know what will happen next. Keeping my fingerst crossed that you get your test results very soon so you can have the answers and closure you need. Hugs to you!

  5. I’m so glad you are with your family. It makes all the difference in the world. They always know how to make us feel better. I really hope that you get your results soon, so you can heal even more from all of this. hugs!

  6. I’m glad you’re getting the support you need from your family. I hope you get some answers soon, so you can move forward with a plan in place. The uncertainty and mixed signals are so tricky to navigate.

  7. I hope you enjoyed your time with your family and so happy you are getting all the support you need. Hoping you get your results tomorrow and it brings some closure. Lots of love and Hugz to you!

  8. I’ve been thinking about you nonstop this week- holding my breath for you for so many reasons. I know how bitter/sweet it must have been meeting your new niece, but I also hope it gave you some inspiration. You are strong my friend, and I see you growing even stronger with each day. xo

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