Sorry I’ve been a bit absent this week. I’m currently visiting my family and decided that I needed to take a break from everything that is going on right now and just try to enjoy myself. I admit I had my hesitations about coming out as I had originally planned this trip when I was pregnant and expecting to be in my 2nd trimester. I felt a little like a dog coming home with my head hung low and my tail between my legs, but honestly it has been good for me. Being here I am reminded of how much support and love I have around me. I’m in an awful situation, but at least I have people on my side to love me unconditionally while I go through it.
I knew one of the hardest things about this trip would be meeting my new niece. I even predicted to Tami that all my test results would come in on the same day that I was going to meet her. I was wrong on that account (more on that in a minute) but I did indeed go down to visit my BIL and SIL along with the new little girl that has come into our lives. It wasn’t as hard as I imagined it would be, I’ve always been a bit a drama queen. I held her more than anyone during the hour we were there. I admired her soft skin, delicate features and smelled her sweet baby head. Inside I cried for the child that I would never get to hold that way but I also knew that I was ready to try again. I questioned how I would feel about going back to cycling and honestly the thought kills me a bit, but I also know that I want to hold a child that way and have it be MY child. I want it more than anything. So as hard as it may be, I know we will move forward. It will never be the same…a bit of hope died with me on the I saw my dead baby on the ultrasound screen. But I’m going to do my best to accept what has happened and step once again into the unknown.
I still have not gotten my test results. I feel like it is the final piece to the puzzle that I need to feel some closure. I do better and better every day, but the not knowing is killing me. I called my doctor office on Wednesday and they said they were still waiting on 2 test results. My nurse said she would call the lab to see if we could work on getting them in faster but alas, I heard nothing this week. As Monday is Memorial Day the earliest I’ll hear anything is Tuesday.
I’m starting to feel very anxious and worried about ovulating. I started trying to track my CM and CP but I came away with some very mixed results. I usually have clear cut symptoms of ovulation but right now my body is a mess. Earlier this week I thought I was close to O’ing because my CM switched to wet and sticky. I thought I might have gotten a tiny bit of EWCM but the next time I checked (a couple hours later because I’m a woman obsessed) it was gone. Now it is lotion CM which is was I usually get post ovulation. I also had nipple sensitivity earlier in the week which is one of my major O signs. I’m just confused because I didn’t have much EWCM and my CP was all over the place. So now I have no idea what to think. I might try to get an appointment with my OB to see if she will run some blood tests for me.
So that is what is going on with me. I know I am not exactly riveting right now. Just trying to heal and move on. My blog date with Tami was incredible. It is so amazing to have someone who understands so well and can empathize with. So grateful for her friendship. I get back home Monday night so I’ll try to catch up on everyone then. Lots of love to you all!