Sometimes life kicks you when you are down

Fair warning: This post may be hard to read for someone struggling to get pregnant. If you feel like you are going to be offended by my bitching you might want to skip this one. If you do read it, please try to understand my perspective.

On Friday I came home from work and found some blood in my panties. Based on my signs and symptoms I am 95% sure that I ovulated around the 28th or 29th of August. So seeing the blood made me panic that the D&C had messed with my luteal phase since I was only maybe 9DPO. I brushed away the worries and tried to concentrate on the fact that at least I had gotten my period and that my body seemed to still be working properly. But still I felt uneasy about the whole thing. So I pulled out my thermometer the next morning to take my temperature. Still high. My temp always drops the day before my period. So I got up at 5:30am to go check what was going on. Hardly any blood on the tampon. No cramps. No bleeding when I wiped. This was starting to feel very familiar…very similar to my first miscarriage.

Throughout the day yesterday I tried to not worry about it. Breakthrough bleeding isn’t that uncommon after a D&C. I’m sure it was just my out-of-whack hormones and that my real period would start right on time. During the day the bleeding started picking up again, not enough to be considered a period, just present when I wiped. Bright red blood with stringy tissue bits. Finally I got the guts up and took a pregnancy test.

You guessed it…it was positive.

Please no one congratulate me. I am no longer the delusional girl I used to be and I am very aware of the fact that this is NOT a healthy pregnancy. The bleeding has now become heavier, I am now having to wear a light pad. My temp was high again this morning though I haven’t dared to take another test. No need to torture myself anymore than I already am.

The thing that absolutely kills me is this is the ONE month in 2 years that I didn’t want to see that second line. As I was waiting for the test dye to spread I thought over and over “please be a bfn”. Nope, the universe doesn’t work that way for me. And even better, I can count on one hand the number of times we had sex before I left of vacation and have quite a few fingers left over. More than I used in fact. The number of times we had sex kinda near an ovulation window…one. ONE. For a damn year we were having sex everyday near ovulation and NOTHING HAPPENED. Why of all the months does this have to happen?

I’m guessing this is considered a chemical pregnancy. I mean based on when I ovulated I would not even be 4 weeks. So I don’t know what to do with this new information. Do I call my doctor? I do not want to run betas. In my mind this is already over. Do I just keep temping and wait for my temp to drop so we can start trying again? When will CD 1 be since I am already bleeding?

The thought entered my mind that this is left over from my previous pregnancy but I feel like that is unlikely. I am 95% sure I ovulated. I’m so frustrated. I mean does this count as my 3rd miscarriage in 6 months? Most people would probably not even know they were pregnant, just having an early light period. But I’ve been dealing with this shit for too long and I knew something was up. So now I’m scared as to what this means. Is this just going to be my life? Getting pregnant easily only to lose it in weeks or in this case days? I don’t know what to do. Someone please tell me what to do.

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29 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, Just my luck, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, questions

29 responses to “Sometimes life kicks you when you are down

  1. I am so sorry. I have no good advice. I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you, and praying that you get through this. Hopefully your doctor on Monday will have some answers for you.

  2. Omg. I’m so sorry sweetie. Really I think you should do what you can. If you can’t deal with the thought of running betas, take more HPTs when you’re feeling up to it. If you cant do that, don’t. But I think in the next day or two (or 3 or 4) you should call your doc. I know this is more scary, upsetting and annoying than exciting for you, but I’m going to keep hoping. Xoxo and let me know if you need anything!

  3. I understand why you don’t want to run BETAs but I’d still recommend calling your doc, especially if your temp hasn’t dropped in a couple days….he might have a good recommendation of what to do. I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

  4. I would definitely call your doctor. He will be able to guide you through this. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

  5. You must get betas done. You need to make sure you see a zero before you know everything is ok. I’m sorry – its the worst. Totally don’t want to be a jerk and I mean this with the utmost sencerity – I was under the impression you were using some sort of birth control for this cycle?

    • Nope. I’m a dumbass and didn’t take it. My doctor recommended it but in the end it was stressing me out by making me think it could effect my future ovulation. Which is one of the reasons I don’t want to call my doctor. I don’t want to admit that I went against his medical advice when he has been so great with me. You are not being a jerk at all, I know I screwed up.

      • Condoms? Or something else I mean. I wouldn’t have taken pills either.

      • Nope. *Hangs head in shame* I’m such an idiot. I figured one time wouldn’t be a big deal after all we’ve gone through to try to get pregnant. I got up right afterwards and to go to the bathroom and we used supposedly non-sperm-friendly lube. Yep I’m one of those stupid girls that thinks you can’t get pregnant if you don’t lay down for 20 min. afterwards. The world has proved me wrong.

      • Dont be hard on yourself. We do insane shit trying to have a baby. From your history though it sounds like a break for your body is important. Talk to your doc, be honest. If not bc pills though something else until your mind,body, and spirit can recover so when you do get pg you can focus on the good and push some of the bad away. Hugs

  6. I know this one will be hard to hear but if there was one thing I wish I would have done different during all my losses it would have been to wait the three month inbetween to ensure everything went back to normal. So hard to hear right now hon but honest to god, from a RPL girl with many losses – take time and be sure during that time not to get pg.

  7. amy

    I’m so sorry, and I know this is hard. I think you need to call your doctor. Several reasons: the first is that even if this is a doomed pregnancy, a third loss was necessary for some of my medical coverages to cover certain testing, so a documented positive beta for my second loss (also a chemical pregnancy) ended up being important. (I don’t remember all of the details of your care, but just a thought)

    Also, the last 6 months have been hard on your body and your mind. You need to make sure you are getting all of the help and support that you can.

    Thinking of you.

  8. I agree that you should call your doctor. I’m sure he will understand why you didn’t want to take bcp. So sorry about this, it is just horrible. 😦

  9. K.Smitty

    Wow….this is definitely some B.S.! I’m so sorry hunny. To me it sounds like all you can really do is wait. If it is a chemical pregnancy, your period should get heavier and pass everything, right? Then if you test again in a few days, it should be a BFN. If it doesn’t get heavier and you call your doc, sure they can run a beta but you also know that you would have to wait at least another week for a soon if the beta comes back high and possibly viable. I say give it another day or two and uses what your period does and call the doc if it doesn’t look like it took care of itself. I’m so sorry Trisha. Sending you internet hugs!

  10. Trisha, call your doctor. I know you’re freaking out and worried about getting the this-is-why-we-wanted-you-to-take-BCPs lecture, but at this point your health needs to come first. One of the things that immediately popped into my head was whether they ever confirmed that your HCG levels had dropped from your last pregnancy. If this wasn’t done, there is the possibility that they are dropping now, sparking the bleeding. It is also possible that what you’re fearing is true to. Either way, call them. They need to know so that they can help.

    I’m so very sorry that you’re going through this. Thinking of you today.

    • I also had Cristy’s first thought. I ovulated before my betas went to zero with my first miscarriage. Either way I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry that you have to deal with this.

  11. D

    Ugh. Sometimes I just don’t understand how or why things work the way they do. From a person who has suffered from RPL, I would also advise you, as others have done, to get betas done. I know you don’t want to, but you really should. After starting to bleed during my second loss, I called the doctor to tell them, told them I was not going to get betas done, but they insisted on following my levels back to zero. They wanted to make sure it wasn’t ectopic and to rule out any other weird complications. That time I got pregnant in the cycle that followed my first D&C even though my doctor told me to wait at least 2 months (some say you are more fertile immediately after a miscarriage). I am so sorry that you are having to go through this again. Please don’t feel sorry about anything that you have done. You are only human and have been through so much. My thoughts are with you. Hang in there girlie.

  12. Were you betas monitored from your last miscarriage? I’m hoping for you it’s only leftover HCG. I’ve heard of girls ovulating even if their HCG hadn’t gone down to zero. Hang in there!

    • No my levels were never monitored after the D&C. I would love to think it is leftover HCG from the last pregnancy rather than a new one. I’m definitely gonna call my doctor tomorrow and see if he can shed some light on this whole thing for me.

    • theyellowblanket

      With this last miscarriage I had in July I also still registered a positive hpt just before I ovulated, and my beta was at 3 after I ovulated in August and 1 day before AF came. It’s definitely possible it’s residual hCG!

  13. Mo

    I’m so sorry. 😦 This sucks
    But I want to echo everyone else. Get thee to a doctor and get a beta.
    Sending a huge hug.

  14. I’m sorry for all of this. I’m with the others in calling the doctor as soon as you can. I know it hurts to make that call, but it will help to get some answers. We are all still thinking of you.

  15. Oh, Trisha, I don’t even know what to say. I think everyone has covered it. But like the rest, I do think it’s wise to call your doc. He needs to know your full medical history so that he can give you the best care possible and he may be able to provide you with answers, maybe even give you some peace of mind. But whatever happens, he needs to know. I’m so sorry this has to happen again. Stay strong, my friend. You will get through this. Love you! ~ hugs ~

  16. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I hope your doctor can help you figure out what’s going on and what your next steps should be. Don’t beat yourself up about not taking the BCPs. You had your reasons. Sending hugs.

  17. Hey girl…I would get a beta. They should have followed it down to zero why they didn’t I have no idea. You could have left over placental tissue causing you to have a pos pregnancy test ( this happened to me for about 2 months btw). Seems like that could be the case and if so then your beta will be low and you should see a bfn soon. And I hope that you do not become like me: one that gets pregnant and then loses it a few weeks later…cause it is a shitty hell to live in.

    Keep us posted ! xo

  18. I’m so sorry that you are going through this after all that you’ve been through. Sending you virtual hugs!

  19. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Please keep us posted on what your doctor says.
    And thank you for you comment on my blog. I needed it.

    xoxo

  20. Tami

    I’ve already said what I wanted to say in my text. I love you and am thinking about you. Constantly. xo

  21. I am so sorry. I would recommend calling your RE and discussing this with him/her if you haven’t already. They can’t make you have a beta test if you don’t want one, but I think it’s important to let them know so it can be documented in your medical files. Maybe it will give them a greater sense of urgency to find out what is wrong. *hugs*

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