There is a sac. An empty gestational sac. Are you freaking KIDDING ME?
I decided it was a good idea to get an ultrasound done just to make sure we were good for this cycle. So I called up my OB and went in for an appointment this morning. It was torturous. They were running late so for 45 min. I sat in the waiting room surrounded by pregnant women. The entire time I sat trying (and sometimes failing) to hold back tears as I said over and over in my head “I should be here…I should be here with my 16 week pregnant belly”. When I got in with my doctor I lost it for the first time since finding out about this chemical pregnancy.
She agrees that with the amount of bleeding and cramping that I’ve had that there is no way this is a viable pregnancy. But surprise surprise…as soon as the ultrasound shows up there is the sac. We drew blood today to check my HCG levels and we will re-draw them on Monday then next Thursday I will go back to see if the sac has passed. If not, well I don’t even want to think about that.
The kicker? We are benched. For 2 cycles. No trying for us. This upsets me more than the chemical pregnancy. In January I made a wish. All I wanted was to be pregnant by the end of this year. Apparently I need to be more specific about my wishes. Because I did get pregnant, 3 times, but I will not be by the end of the year.
My OB said that the cause of this is unknown. It could be that my body and lining were just not ready. Or it could be that there is something fundamentally wrong with my body that they cannot figure out. She still believes that I will be able to carry a baby to term. She just doesn’t know how many more losses will proceed a take home baby. This is the same thing my RE said to me.
So how many more can I take? Will my heart and marriage make it through? I don’t know. I just don’t know.