Monthly Archives: October 2012

Still stagnant

CD 22 – no ovulation. I keep thinking it is coming, my cervix has been high and soft and I have had watery cm for 4-5 days, but my temp stays stubbornly low.

I’m in a bad place right now. I can’t fathom the thought of going back to fertility drugs. I honestly don’t know if I would be able to do it. Which leaves us between a rock and a hard place. If my body is not ovulating on its own we might be done. I just don’t know how much more I can take without breaking.

Going to call tomorrow to try to get an appointment with my OB, but they are usually booked pretty far for ultrasounds so I probably won’t get in till next week if I am lucky.

Maybe some of my PCOS girls can help me out, have you ever noticed watery, abundant cm when you were NOT approaching ovulation? Like just random times in your cycle? I tried to look back on some of my previous charts but of course I didn’t track that. So I don’t know what to think. I know I always get watery cm before ewcm, but this seems to me to be too dragged out. I feel like if it hasn’t happened yet, it isn’t happening.

I’m starting to believe that this thing might have finally beat us. We put up a fight…but how long can I stay down on the ground and still get the courage to get back up? I’m tired. Just really, really tired.

***UPDATE***

Okay so I decided to take an ovulation test today. I should mention in the past I have used these…however they were all during the time we were using Clomid and I was not ovulating on my own. During that time I never saw a true positive. In fact, they always looked almost positive. I figured that was due to PCOS and wacky hormone levels.

So this is the first time I’ve taken one since my surgery. And it was positive. Not even a questionable positive, but WAY positive. So now I am unsure of whether or not I should have hope. I wish I had something to go against, but I don’t know if they still are inaccurate for me or not. Then again, even when I did ovulate on Clomid they never looked like this. So yes, I am confused once again…but maybe slightly more hopeful. Maybe.

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Filed under Depression, Infertility, PCOS

Is that the other shoe I hear zooming to the ground?

I’m on CD 18. No ovulation. Cue FREAK OUT. I mean major freak out. I was so convinced that my temp was going to be up this morning that when that stupid thermometer flashed 97.1 I immediately felt sick to my stomach. I couldn’t get back to sleep even though I still had a little while before I had to be up. I called my RE this morning in a panic asking if he could run a E2 blood test to see where my estrogen was at and see if I was close to ovulation. Not surprisingly he said he could run a progesterone test, which I told him is pointless because I know I haven’t ovulated, and offered to do an ultrasound. Thing is, my insurance won’t cover said ultrasound and I can’t exactly fork over $200 today. So I told him it wasn’t necessary, hung up the phone and burst into tears.

Mind you this is all happening while I am at work. Luckily before we opened so no patients were here but I was trying to get a grip and hide the fact that I am an emotional mess from my boss. In fact I’m at work on my break right now typing this and I’m again tearing up. They are gonna think I am mental.

CD 18 isn’t so unreasonable for me to have not ovulated…my latest ovulation was CD 23 so I really shouldn’t be freaking out, but in June when I got pregnant I ovulated on CD 16. After my D&C I ovulated 3 weeks later (not sure what CD as I wasn’t charting, but I know it was quick). After the chemical the best I can tell I ovulated around CD 15. What. The. Hell.

To make matters worse I had EWCM CD 13-15. Now I have none. I had a huge temp rise on CD 10 (which freaked me out because I thought I was ovulating early. Now I wish I had.) but it dropped the next day.

Since my surgery I have ovulated every cycle on my own. There is no reason to think that that will change anytime soon, but I can’t help it. I can’t forget about the year we spent TTC when I ovulated only 4 times, all on Clomid. I can’t be annovulatory again. I can’t go back to fertility meds. I’m too damn scared. Last time it landed me in the OR for an emergency surgery. I just can’t.

I’m really scared right now. I know I should try to relax but I can’t. Please ovulate…oh please, please, please.

15 Comments

Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Depression, Infertility, PCOS

Coping Mechanisms

We all have them. Let’s face it, sometimes it is much easier to use a coping mechanism to deal with certain situations rather than dealing with them head on. The way I see it is whatever you need to do to get through the day…do it.

That is the approach I am currently taking with our RPL situation. I’ve accepted my second loss. It haunts me a little and I still think about him everyday, but still, I accept that he is gone. I guess as far as the seven stages of grief go I have gone through all of them and I am currently at ‘acceptance and hope’. Does that mean I am over it? Far from it. But I do have hope for the future.

Then there is our third loss. Or as I like to think about…the loss that NEVER HAPPENED. That is my story and I am sticking to it! I am very much on the first stage of grieving with that one – ‘denial’. I have had 2 different doctors tell me that although it was a chemical pregnancy and early, it did count. And even worse…that is most likely not just a cause of us conceiving too quickly after my D&C but yet another indicator of a bigger problem. Yet, I still don’t count it in my mind. I lost two babies. Those are my children. This last one was a inconvenience. Something that mearly delayed us from conceiving our take home baby.

Does that sound heartless? Because I feel like it does a little. But let me explain…to me a pregnancy is so much more than a second line on a pregnancy test. It is hope and joy. It is filled with due dates, gender guesses, name discussions and above all…the belief that you might finally be bringing home a baby.

The chemical was filled with none of that. From the moment I saw the second line I knew it was already over. I had already been bleeding heavily. There was not even a split second thought that the pregnancy might be viable. It was frustrating on so many levels. To know that we got pregnant when we weren’t trying (never thought I’d be upset about that) and that it was already over with was beyond aggravating. I cursed the world that day.

Logically I know my doctors are right, it does count. But it will NEVER feel the way losing my son at 10 weeks felt. Not even close. 3 miscarriages in 6 months is a daunting number. When I think about it I feel a tightness in my chest and a fear that I cannot shake. So I break out my coping mechanism. I feel nothing for the loss. I grieve for the 2 children I lost and try to keep up hope that we can still figure out how to bring a baby home.

I deny. Deny, deny, deny. And it works for me. For now I will not allow anyone to burst the pretty pink bubble that I am currently living in. It doesn’t count and it will take a lot to convince me otherwise.

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Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Depression, Healing, Infertility, Miscarriage, RPL

October ICLW

Welcome to everyone who is here from ICLW! It has been a few months since I participated in this and I am looking forward to reading all of your stories. For those who would like a quick insight to our journey here it is:

-Started trying Dec. 2010

-4 Rounds of Clomid

-Lost my right ovary in January due to some complications of PCOS and Clomid

-Started ovulating on my own after surgery

-April 2012 BFP, followed by a natural miscarriage at 6 weeks

-June 2012 BFP. Everything starts out great, only to find there is no heartbeat at 10 weeks. Missed miscarriage with a D&C and genetic testing.

-Genetic testing comes back as a normal male. I’m devastated.

-I get pregnant again 3 weeks after my D&C even though we aren’t trying. Chemical pregnancy. WTF.

-All RPL tests come back normal.

We are now currently trying again after a month off since the chemical. We have no explanation as to why my body keeps losing our babies. We are adding Lovenox to our regime this month in hopes that if we do conceive that the pregnancy will not end up, once again, in heartbreak.

I wish you all a happy ICLW and I can’t wait to get to know you all better!

6 Comments

Filed under Clomid, Infertility, Miscarriage, PCOS, RPL

Sometimes words are not enough

Please keep my dear sweet Tami in your thoughts as she has recently found out she is going through her 3rd miscarriage this year. I wish there was something more I could say but alas, my heart is too broken for her to even try.

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Filed under Depression, It's not always about me, Miscarriage

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched, but are felt in the heart. ”

-Helen Keller

When I look back on this year I am struck by not only the pain that we have experienced, but also the happiness and the strength that have come out of those moments. For me today is not a sad day. It is a day to stand up and declare my love for the babies that I have lost this year.

In truth, everyday is still a remembrance day for me. I don’t go a single day without thinking about the little bean that should have been my son. I picture his life as if he had already lived it. I imagine him to have his father’s curly hair and my dark eyes. I see t-ball and monster trucks and superheros in my mind. All the things that our little boy would have loved. I imagine taking him trick-or-treating and teaching him to walk. I invent these scenarios in my mind as a way of connecting with him even though he is gone.

The pain of pregnancy and infant loss is a pain that no mother should have to feel. But the statistics are shocking. 15-20% of all clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage. Nationally nearly 30,000 babies are stillborn every year. Those numbers are staggering. But what is so sad to me is how this pain is considered shameful, or not important. We hide these things away because they are taboo. I get it. It is a very personal thing to talk about, but it is also very real. And we should not have to feel ashamed to admit that we are hurting.

Tonight I celebrate the happiest moments of my year. The moments where I started looking up due-dates and picking out names. I celebrate the bitterly short lives of my children that I will never get to hold. I want them to know how happy they made me even though they were only part of my life for a short time. I want them to know that I will always consider them my children and that I will always love them. Two candles. One for each of the babies that I will never know.

I also light a candle for everyone in this community. Every single one of us has been touched by loss even if you yourself have not gone through it. We all know someone who has. We all have that fear living inside of us. So this candle is my show of support and love to you all. To all those who have supported me through the past 6 months, to all those who have also felt the heartbreak of losing a desperately wanted child, and most importantly to everyone who has felt short of hope. I wish I could say that none of us are ever going to have to feel this loss again, but I can’t. I can’t even say that for myself, but I hope. I hope that one day we are all where we want to be.

To my babies: The only words I have are from a story my mother used to read to me as a child. These words have been in my head constantly in the past 2 months. Because I feel that they say what my heart feels more than I could ever express .

“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.”

 

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Filed under Healing, Infertility, Miscarriage, RPL

Period woes

I know you all were SO hoping that I’d post about my period. I mean who doesn’t want to hear about it? Well today my friends, you are in luck. Because I feel like my body is beyond screwed up right now and I need advice. Be warned…I spare no details.

My biggest concern is the amount of spotting that I am having before my period actually starts. I spotted dark brown for almost a week before red blood appeared. It’s not just when I wipe either…its quite a bit. Dark brown sludge. Did I just activate your gag reflex? Sorry.

I’m not sure if this is due to the pool of blood that my OB found in my uterus after my chemical or not. I was given Methergine to clear it out, but I never cramped or spotted with that. So I’m not sure if it just hung around and then cleared out when my period was due to start or if this is something else entirely.

I’m concerned because I have always heard that healthy periods do not have dark brown spotting. They are supposed to start out light, get heavier, and then taper off. All with red. And right now I NEED my body to be healthy. I have too much else against me.

So my question is has anyone every experienced something like this after a chemical? Is there anything I can do to help encourage my cycle to have less spotting?

In other new my big box of needles arrived today. The fun should begin in about 10 days. Oh joy.

14 Comments

Filed under Infertility, Just my luck, PCOS, questions