How fitting that today is the one year anniversary of ‘The Elusive Second Line’. Why is it fitting? Today is also CD 1 for me. Gotta love that wonderful reminder.
One year. I hardly know what to say. This year has been the best bad year that I could have imagined. Because honestly, it has been the worst year of my life. When I started this blog 365 days ago I never thought that I would arrive here still not pregnant. I never thought I would have one of my ovaries removed within a few months. I never thought I’d lose 3 pregnancies. I never thought I’d be here.
The worst, hardest year of my life. But also the best. Because of this blog and all the people who read it. I’m still here, and I know part of that is because of you people. You guys have given me strength, love, and hope through out this bad year. I don’t know how I would have gotten through it without the support I’ve found in this community.
So although I never imagined all the bad things that happened this year, I also never thought I’d find a place that I feel truly gets me. I never thought I’d find such good friends and connections through the internet. I never thought I’d be able to look back at this horrible year and say I came out of it because a year ago today I decided to start a blog.
It is so interesting to think back to where I was a year ago. To be completely honest, I was completely delusional. Although I had been reading lots of blogs in the ALI community I convinced myself that I wasn’t going to be one of the ones that had to fight tooth and nail to escape. I thought Clomid would work. I thought when I finally got pregnant it would stick. I ignored the bleeding of my first pregnancy and convinced myself that it was no big deal. I thought the second one would definitely be it. I thought the results of the D&C would come back abnormal. I convinced myself that the chemical pregnancy didn’t count (still working on that one btw).
See what I mean? Delusional. Now here I am. One year later, dealing with recurrent pregnancy loss and facing the reality that we might have to seek other ways to start our family. The latter isn’t bad, we have always considered adoption an alternative and not just a means to the end. It is just not where I thought we’d be at this time.
The coming year is full of the unknown. I will face our 5 year wedding anniversary in a few weeks along with J’s 30th birthday. I will live through 2 unfulfilled due dates. In December we will hit our 2 year mark of trying to conceive. I may get pregnant again, I may not. I will begin further steps to increase our chances of a full term birth by injecting myself *shudder*. I may have more miscarriages, I may have a baby. We will begin researching adoption agencies and will probably start the process by the end of the year. I will do everything I can possibly do to make sure that I am not in the same place when my 2nd blog anniversary rolls around.
But most of all I will be here. In my safe place. Happy 1 year my little blog.