One Year

How fitting that today is the one year anniversary of ‘The Elusive Second Line’. Why is it fitting? Today is also CD 1 for me. Gotta love that wonderful reminder.

One year. I hardly know what to say. This year has been the best bad year that I could have imagined. Because honestly, it has been the worst year of my life. When I started this blog 365 days ago I never thought that I would arrive here still not pregnant. I never thought I would have one of my ovaries removed within  a few months. I never thought I’d lose 3 pregnancies. I never thought I’d be here.

The worst, hardest year of my life. But also the best. Because of this blog and all the people who read it. I’m still here, and I know part of that is because of you people. You guys have given me strength, love, and hope through out this bad year. I don’t know how I would have gotten through it without the support I’ve found in this community.

So although I never imagined all the bad things that happened this year, I also never thought I’d find a place that I feel truly gets me. I never thought I’d find such good friends and connections through the internet. I never thought I’d be able to look back at this horrible year and say I came out of it because a year ago today I decided to start a blog.

It is so interesting to think back to where I was a year ago. To be completely honest, I was completely delusional. Although I had been reading lots of blogs in the ALI community I convinced myself that I wasn’t going to be one of the ones that had to fight tooth and nail to escape. I thought Clomid would work. I thought when I finally got pregnant it would stick. I ignored the bleeding of my first pregnancy and convinced myself that it was no big deal. I thought the second one would definitely be it. I thought the results of the D&C would come back abnormal. I convinced myself that the chemical pregnancy didn’t count (still working on that one btw).

See what I mean? Delusional. Now here I am. One year later, dealing with recurrent pregnancy loss and facing the reality that we might have to seek other ways to start our family. The latter isn’t bad, we have always considered adoption an alternative and not just a means to the end. It is just not where I thought we’d be at this time.

The coming year is full of the unknown. I will face our 5 year wedding anniversary in a few weeks along with J’s 30th birthday. I will live through 2 unfulfilled due dates. In December we will hit our 2 year mark of trying to conceive. I may get pregnant again, I may not. I will begin further steps to increase our chances of a full term birth by injecting myself *shudder*. I may have more miscarriages, I may have a baby. We will begin researching adoption agencies and will probably start the process by the end of the year. I will do everything I can possibly do to make sure that I am not in the same place when my 2nd blog anniversary rolls around.

But most of all I will be here. In my safe place. Happy 1 year my little blog.

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21 Comments

Filed under adoption, Celebration, Clomid, Depression, Healing, Infertility, Living Life, Miscarriage, PCOS, RPL

21 responses to “One Year

  1. cycle day 2 for me. I’m having some pretty similar thoughts as I approach another birthday. a birthday that I thought I would be the mother to a 5 month old. instead I am mother to no one. hoping that by blogiversary 2, your life will look decidedly better and you’ll have an extra someone to share it with!

  2. One year is tough. I think back to when I collectively lost my shit… And I often wish I could have a pep talk with myself. It would be something along the lines of buckle up…. This is a long nasty ride.

  3. Oh Trisha. I, too, was completely delusional. I’ve known for almost 10 years it might be challenging to conceive. I’ve known for over 5 that I don’t ovulate. And for some reason I never thought i would be here either. I’m so sorry You’re in this place, but I’m so thankful for your blog. I’m so thankful you have shared your experiences and feelings throughout this journey. As you know, I wish you well on your journey and will be here for as long as you write. Xoxo!

  4. What a year. So hopeful that your 2nd anniversary celebrates a much different reality.

  5. Happy Blogiversary. Hoping this next year is one that brings you what you so deserve.

  6. Tami

    “This year has been the best bad year that I could have imagined.” And to that I say, Amen.sister!

    But you’ve forgotten that it works the other way around too. Because of this little blog of yours, many people have felt less lonely during dark days, laughed when they didn’t think they could, and felt like, “yes, she just *gets it*” when no one else seemed capable. YOU did that. I am forever grateful.

  7. Kristin

    I know. I was hoping to be a “lucky one”. Kinda infertile, but, you know, not so bad. So many days, weeks, months and years later I’m glad that we are in this together, because in it we most certainly are.

  8. I am very happy for your little blog too! It has helped me more than you know! (And P.S. If you do get to the injections, it’s so easy, absolutely nothing to worry about, I promise!! I’d choose the injections over the pills any day!)

  9. Shelley

    Blogaversaries… just another “reflection” moment to add to birthdays, holidays, new years, etc. when we realize how much (or how little) we’ve accomplished of what we’ve wanted. You’ve been through so much over the past year and we thank you for sharing your journey with us. I hope as you look back you also feel a sense of pride in the fact that you have survived and stand here stronger.

  10. Here’s hoping you will be a full time pregnant/parenting blogger by your second blogaversary. Meanwhile, i agree with Shelley…you should be proud of how you have dealt with this difficult year.This is serious shit, and many great couples are torn apart by it. You are a survivor, and your marriage and future kids will be that much better for it.

  11. Happy bloggiversary. Nothing could ever make me wish blogging for this reason on anyone, but since you are on this crapola of a journey, may I say I am honored to be sharing the journey with you and I am so glad you blog. Your grace and strength are inspiring.

  12. I think we are all a bit delusional when it comes to what it might really take. We are here for you every step of the way!

  13. SM

    I know what you mean. I’m sort of in the same place. November 16th makes five years of TTC for us. We recently made the decision to move on to adoption as well. It’s so much to think about and process. Thinking of you!

  14. Ay, ay, ay. I’m right there with ya. I too thought I would be one of the “lucky infertiles” who would get out quick and never look back. Good luck, I’m rooting for ya!

  15. I will still be here supporting you every step of the way after year one with your blog. Sending my prayers that you won’t see another blogoversary without your take home baby. *HUGS*

  16. 35life

    We’ve got the five year baby itch too. Our five year anniversary is coming up in a couple weeks – been TTC for almost three of those. Some types of anniversaries suck, but not all do. Here’s hoping you have a better year!

  17. Via the roundup: I think that if all it took was the power of thought, we would have all been pregnant right when we wanted to be. You’ve come a long way and you are keeping your eye on the prize. Don’t give up.

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