We all have them. Let’s face it, sometimes it is much easier to use a coping mechanism to deal with certain situations rather than dealing with them head on. The way I see it is whatever you need to do to get through the day…do it.
That is the approach I am currently taking with our RPL situation. I’ve accepted my second loss. It haunts me a little and I still think about him everyday, but still, I accept that he is gone. I guess as far as the seven stages of grief go I have gone through all of them and I am currently at ‘acceptance and hope’. Does that mean I am over it? Far from it. But I do have hope for the future.
Then there is our third loss. Or as I like to think about…the loss that NEVER HAPPENED. That is my story and I am sticking to it! I am very much on the first stage of grieving with that one – ‘denial’. I have had 2 different doctors tell me that although it was a chemical pregnancy and early, it did count. And even worse…that is most likely not just a cause of us conceiving too quickly after my D&C but yet another indicator of a bigger problem. Yet, I still don’t count it in my mind. I lost two babies. Those are my children. This last one was a inconvenience. Something that mearly delayed us from conceiving our take home baby.
Does that sound heartless? Because I feel like it does a little. But let me explain…to me a pregnancy is so much more than a second line on a pregnancy test. It is hope and joy. It is filled with due dates, gender guesses, name discussions and above all…the belief that you might finally be bringing home a baby.
The chemical was filled with none of that. From the moment I saw the second line I knew it was already over. I had already been bleeding heavily. There was not even a split second thought that the pregnancy might be viable. It was frustrating on so many levels. To know that we got pregnant when we weren’t trying (never thought I’d be upset about that) and that it was already over with was beyond aggravating. I cursed the world that day.
Logically I know my doctors are right, it does count. But it will NEVER feel the way losing my son at 10 weeks felt. Not even close. 3 miscarriages in 6 months is a daunting number. When I think about it I feel a tightness in my chest and a fear that I cannot shake. So I break out my coping mechanism. I feel nothing for the loss. I grieve for the 2 children I lost and try to keep up hope that we can still figure out how to bring a baby home.
I deny. Deny, deny, deny. And it works for me. For now I will not allow anyone to burst the pretty pink bubble that I am currently living in. It doesn’t count and it will take a lot to convince me otherwise.