Coping Mechanisms

We all have them. Let’s face it, sometimes it is much easier to use a coping mechanism to deal with certain situations rather than dealing with them head on. The way I see it is whatever you need to do to get through the day…do it.

That is the approach I am currently taking with our RPL situation. I’ve accepted my second loss. It haunts me a little and I still think about him everyday, but still, I accept that he is gone. I guess as far as the seven stages of grief go I have gone through all of them and I am currently at ‘acceptance and hope’. Does that mean I am over it? Far from it. But I do have hope for the future.

Then there is our third loss. Or as I like to think about…the loss that NEVER HAPPENED. That is my story and I am sticking to it! I am very much on the first stage of grieving with that one – ‘denial’. I have had 2 different doctors tell me that although it was a chemical pregnancy and early, it did count. And even worse…that is most likely not just a cause of us conceiving too quickly after my D&C but yet another indicator of a bigger problem. Yet, I still don’t count it in my mind. I lost two babies. Those are my children. This last one was a inconvenience. Something that mearly delayed us from conceiving our take home baby.

Does that sound heartless? Because I feel like it does a little. But let me explain…to me a pregnancy is so much more than a second line on a pregnancy test. It is hope and joy. It is filled with due dates, gender guesses, name discussions and above all…the belief that you might finally be bringing home a baby.

The chemical was filled with none of that. From the moment I saw the second line I knew it was already over. I had already been bleeding heavily. There was not even a split second thought that the pregnancy might be viable. It was frustrating on so many levels. To know that we got pregnant when we weren’t trying (never thought I’d be upset about that) and that it was already over with was beyond aggravating. I cursed the world that day.

Logically I know my doctors are right, it does count. But it will NEVER feel the way losing my son at 10 weeks felt. Not even close. 3 miscarriages in 6 months is a daunting number. When I think about it I feel a tightness in my chest and a fear that I cannot shake. So I break out my coping mechanism. I feel nothing for the loss. I grieve for the 2 children I lost and try to keep up hope that we can still figure out how to bring a baby home.

I deny. Deny, deny, deny. And it works for me. For now I will not allow anyone to burst the pretty pink bubble that I am currently living in. It doesn’t count and it will take a lot to convince me otherwise.



Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Depression, Healing, Infertility, Miscarriage, RPL

15 responses to “Coping Mechanisms

  1. Shelley

    Honestly, whatever you need to do is okay. How you feel about it is all that matters and infertility is more about survival than anything else. Hugs to you.

  2. I’m with Shelley: you need to do what is right for you. Each of us deals with all of this in our own way, grieving openly certain moments while pushing others out of our minds. There is no right way to cope, what’s important is that we do.

    One thing to think about, though, is dealing with your doctors. They will view this last chemical pregnancy as a loss and will talk about it because they want to provide care. If possible, level with them about how you view the situation. It doesn’t change the technicalities, but it will allow them to be sensitive to your feelings about this.

    Thinking of you.

  3. Denial is okay. I’m all for doing whatever you have to do to get through this. Maybe one day you’ll move on to the other stages of grief, or maybe you’ll stay in denial forever. In the end, it doesn’t really matter. All that matters is that you be kind to yourself, take care of yourself, and don’t lose all hope.

  4. We all have different coping mechanism, but in the end we have to do what feels right to us. I too suffered three miscarriages in a 9 month period. It is horrifying,lonely, and very very painful. It is NOT something we will ever forget, and we shouldn’t because that was our baby(s). I’m so sorry you are going through it all of this.

  5. I feel for you… losing 3 pregnancies pulls you through the ringer. And I don’t blame you for trying to protect yourself from the grief of your CP. I think it’s just a way that we try to keep sane when everything around us is crumbling… (((HUGS)))
    From ICLW #16

  6. Everyone has said what I would say. I will say that I think of you often, and during my walk to remember on Sunday you and your children were in my thoughts. x0x0

  7. amy

    I did/do something very very similar in comparing my chemical pregnancy to my later loses. We have to cope in the ways that work best for us, even if they are always changing. Thinking of you.

  8. There’s a good reason we have defense mechanisms. Sometimes things are just too painful to deal with and it’s healthier to rely on these defenses in order to protect ourselves. You are in survival mode. Stay there as long as you need to.
    I am hoping every day that your too painful reality is tempered by great joy in the very near future.
    Sending lots of light and hugs in the meantime.

  9. Tami

    My first pregnancy was much like your chemical. I count it, but not in my heart. My second pregnancy I grieved the loss of my daughter right along with the loss of your son. This last pregnancy, made me sad and frightened of the future. It was like it was a terrible omen. That is, until I found out we had a heartbeat- then it all changed. I am now grieving the loss of my second baby. My heart has two holes in it, much like yours.

    I’m not sure what you are going through is so much denial, but you are reacting to the bonds you had with each. The way I view it, you suffered three pregnancy losses, but you lost two children. It’s a fine line, but an important one.

    I love you.

  10. Lisa

    Hi from ICLW. I am so sorry for your losses. I think however you deal with loss is just fine because it is how you get through it. After each of our miscarriages, I had to pretend it never happened. A part of me felt bad for pretending and “denying” it ever happened…but I knew I had to move on. It all hit me one random day and I cried my eyes out. I am thinking of you!

  11. I can certainly see why you would feel that way with the last pregnancy. Remember–whatever gets you through the day, no make that the moment, is what you need.

  12. Everyone else has already said it, but do what you have to do to move forward. That’s all you can do.

  13. I know everyone else has already said it, but whatever it takes for you to get out of bed every day and live life is what you need to do. HUGS!

  14. liddy

    Remember, everyone copes in their own way. Remember keep one foot in front of the other.

    An ICLW Visit from #2
    liddy @ the unfair struggle (mfi, speedskating, life)

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