My foe is coming for me

As I rapidly approach the end of this TWW I find myself for the first time in a long time coming face to face with my arch nemesis. The pee-stick. Oh Pee-stick, what a journey we have had together but to be honest, I shudder at the sight of you.

In the beginning of our treatment I was just like any baby hungry infertile – pee-stick crazy. I would pee with reckless abandonment at 7dpo, 9 dpo, 10 dpo, ect. I found myself holding the sticks up to the light trying to convince myself that there was a faint line there that would soon prove to be a BFP. But it never happened. After 4 Clomid cycles I began to resent that stupid stick and all it represented. I found that is was much more difficult for me emotionally to see a BFN than to get my period. So I put them away. Far back in my linen closet.

To be honest when I did this part of it was because we were on a break and starting to think about an injectable cycle which scared the shit out of both of us. But then the surgery happened and everything changed. But I stuck to my no pee-stick plan. In fact the only times I have peed on a stick this year have been when I was 95% sure I was pregnant.

I’m a spotter. I always start spotting at least 2 days before my period. I’ve also charted long enough to know that my temp drops the day before my period arrives. I also always have a 14 day LP. Given these to little hints my first two pregnancies where as clear as day to me as I was 13 DPO with no spotting and a high temp. Boom, pregnant.

The third was a little different but again, I knew I was pregnant using these tidbits. I was 9 DPO when I started bleeding yet my temp was still high. Chemical.

But everything changes now. Because my doctor, as a security measure, has insisted that I take progesterone after I ovulate. Meaning I won’t get my period on its own, my temp will stay high, and there will be no spotting. I will only know if they cycle has worked or not by taking a pregnancy test.

Damn you pee-stick! You mock me so!

Tuesday is the day.  I refuse to test before 14 DPO. My heart just can’t take it. I don’t think there has ever been a time during this journey that I have dreaded the end of a TWW. This time I would be content to stay in this limbo for a while longer. Because really, in my situation, I don’t know if any result will be a happy one. I will be upset if it is negative and I will be beyond terrified if it is positive. RPL has killed any excitement that I might have had over a pregnancy. That is the cold hard truth.

The pee-stick may win this round. But I’m probably not much of an opponent at this point. Not very hard to knockout someone who is curled up in the corner begging for mercy.

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13 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, Miscarriage, RPL, TWW

13 responses to “My foe is coming for me

  1. ughhhh! progesterone is awful! it messes with your head! those crazy consistent high temps make me question negative betas, run out buy tests, pee, break my heart again, only to plummet 4-6 days after I stop taking it. Such a tease! Hang in there!

  2. Those suppositories are oh so seductive. I hope they don’t play tricks and things are crystal clear once again.

  3. I feel your fear and anxiety so strongly through this. Just know that we are curled up in the corner with you.

  4. Pee sticks or the devil’s torture instruments as I like to call them.

  5. Oh pee sticks. I have a love hate relationship with them. Any chance your husband could do the pee stick reading? Maybe that would help alleviate some anxiety?

  6. All I can offer is an “ugh” and many, many hugs. I’m hoping that this one reveals some good news. You deserve nothing less.

  7. Pee sticks have made appearances in a few of my vivid nightmares recently- seems you never really escape them:(
    Thinking of you during this waiting time, hoping and praying for the best.

  8. I hate pee sticks with a passion. And progesterone. I totally understant! Hope you get a nice BFP!!

  9. oh dear. I am so sorry and i also totally hate the pee sticks. Hang in there and keep trucking!!

  10. I just wrote about this same thing earlier this week. I hate the damn sticks, it starts me worrying even more when it comes time that I have to use them!

  11. I hear you on the pee stick…they can suck the big one!!! I know progesterone, and I hate it just like everyone else!!! I’m hoping so much for a BFP for you!!!

  12. I’m soooooo with you here. Pee sticks freak me OUT, and I have no interest in being bummed with a BFN on 9DPO, so I am pretty good at resisting the urge to pee. My LP is (I think?) 12 days, so the absolute soonest I’ll test is this Saturday (13 DPO). Assuming I don’t get my period. I’m 11DPO right now, and the trusty temp is still high…but by 12DPO I usually see a very rapid decline, with my period showing up the next day. I’ll be thinking of you these next 5 days!!

  13. Tami

    Yes, progesterone changes the game. I remember my first cycle with it. I had a pee-stick PTSD even back then. What I didnt know was that my period wouldnt start until I stopped the progesterone. I also didnt know I was supposed to stop the progesterone once I got a BFN. Lack of communication? Anyway, you can see where this lead me. No period at 16dpo and convinced I was pregnant despite all the negative tests. I felt like s dweeb when I realized my mistake. I still refuse to test until 14dp now,, but at least I know the routine. I am super glad your RE perscribed this for you though!

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