Disconnection and Fear

I really miss my ‘tells’. You know, the things that indicate how your TWW is going to end. In my last post I wrote about my tells and how progesterone has taken them away. And now I’m a little bitter about it. 12 DPO and I have NO clue how this is going to end. Usually by this point I am 75% sure. Not this time, no clue. My breasts are tired of being molested to “see if they are sore” which is failing spectacularly. Because sometimes I think they are sore but then I reason it is either from the progesterone or the constant groping. Then other times they feel…like boobs.

I know this is not a new complaint. Most woman have no TWW symptoms and never have and idea if they are pregnant until they pee. I just wish I knew what to expect when I finally do get up the guts to pee. If I wasn’t on progesterone I might of even waited a little longer to test but I need to know if this cycle was a bust so I can get off the meds and we can start over. I feel THAT disconnected about everything. If I didn’t have to test, I wouldn’t. I am not sure if I want to know either way.

My stomach is also taking quite the beating. The injections themselves are not bad. But I was an easy bruiser before the Lovenox. So now my belly is an impressive array of yellow, green, red and purple. Its becoming difficult to find spots to inject that will avoid going into a bruise. Can you say sexy? Of course if this cycle ends up being successful I will hold on to those injections like a life line. But for now while I am in the unknown, I kinda despise them.

I’m starting to get to a point that I ‘suspect’ most of the people around me. Like if a friend contacts me that I haven’t heard from in a while I immediately get this deep fear that they are about to tell me they are pregnant. I have a sister-in-law who said when she got engaged “hopefully in 2 years I’ll be a mom”. 2 years is in December so when she called J to wish him a happy birthday (they are not usually a phone call type of family) I immediately got a sinking feeling in my stomach afraid of what she was going to say. I was wrong, but the fear is still there.

My brother and his wife have been married 4 years. They were young and they have had financial struggles and have said they are not ready…but the fear is there with them too.  And most importantly, my calendar contacted me the other day. My calendar is a friend I worked with who got pregnant 2 months before we started trying. She got pregnant by accident but we always figured we’d have kids close to the same age. Her daughter is now 18 months and last time I spoke to her she told me they were going to start trying again in January. Now I live in fear of being lapped. Sometimes posted about this recently.

I’m now in a place where I fear my friends and family. Awesome. That should make this holiday season especially cheery and bright. I want to hibernate through the rest of this mess.

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10 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, Just my luck, TWW

10 responses to “Disconnection and Fear

  1. Kristin

    I too would like to hibernate until this mess is over. Wake me when I hit 16 weeks, please.

  2. Being 30 I was lapped a few times. and I totally get that fear of others’ news. Hugs

  3. I hear you and I know how much it sucks. Many, many hugs, lady. I’m hoping

  4. Oh, Trisha. You’re not alone in the fear! I fear my friends, family, Facebook, the phone…all of it. I’m always expecting a pregnancy announcement around every corner. Sorry. And sorry too that you can’t predict how this cycle will finish. That would bug me to no end. Just know that you’re not alone, in nothing. We’re here for you, and all hoping for the best!

  5. I completely agree with your fears of being lapped and pg announcements from friends and family. I started hating this so bad that i actually made a list – literally – of all the women in my life i could possibly think of that would be pg before and then i mentally went through it and pictured them telling me they were pg. Let me tell you, not a fun exercise but it really paid off b/c now since i’ve already “experienced” them telling me and i’ve taken the surprise out of it, i feel like i have some control. I dont know, just a tip i thought i’d pass on.

    Progesterone is the worst. I agree – the non-tells is brutal.

    hang in there and keep some hope kicking!!

  6. I know the feeling of being lapped. I’ve been lapped by every single friend, and even a sister who was not trying. It’s not a fun place to be. Progesterone can go blow…I hate the mixed signals. Another note on the Lovenox, when you squeeze your skin to inject the needle, once the needle is in, let go of the skin and then inject. I learned the hard way, and it helps so much with the bruising.

  7. I’m so sorry you feel this way and totally understand. When I get those moments of feeling resentment toward family or other people who are close to me, it’s really hard. I’ve been lapped several times too. It sucks. Hang in there.

  8. The other day my newly married BIL and SIL were coming round and I had an actual panic attack that they would announce a pregnancy, despite being in no way financially able to have a child. I was wrong and she chugged down several beers so I am sure as sure they are not yet pregnant. But I think I will fear every time we see them until one or other of us is pregnant. I hate this fear. I hate not wanting to see loved ones. I am, on purpose, cooking Christmas dinner for the whole family this year, so as to be busy and have something to do all day.

  9. D

    I have been lapped by most of my close friends. It is not a good feeling. 😦 I hope the end of your 2ww is a good one. I found that taking progesterone totally masked pregnancy symptoms so maybe that is why you are having trouble figuring out what is what this time. Hang in there.

  10. trish

    Omg I know exactly how you are feeling I have avoided facebook for this very reason it sucks but I keep saying and this too shall pass

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