Numbers

I haven’t really known how to write this post. I’ve been muddling over it for 3 days now because I don’t want anything to come across wrong. When I said I didn’t want to know what the result of this cycle was I meant it. In fact I kinda wish that I still didn’t know. But circumstances led me to take a pregnancy a mere few hours after my last post.

Let me defend myself here: It was not my intention to test. But after my last post I went to the bathroom only to discover some brown spotting. The same brown spotting that I get every cycle that I am not pregnant a few days before my period. In my mind I felt that I should test to prove that I could stop taking my progesterone and injections. Part of me was very tempted to just stop since it was obvious my period was on its way despite the progesterone but I did the responsible thing and tested so there would be no doubt in my mind. Never for a moment did I consider that it would be positive.

There was no excitement or joy. I’ve become numb during this experience. It was probably the most depression pregnancy announcement made to a husband ever. Because what I did say to him was “There is a line”. His response: “Okay”. And then it was over. He asked me what I was going to do and I told him I’d get a blood test in the morning but other than that we pretty much ignored it.

We are too damaged. Too afraid of the outcome. I fear another loss, he fears my subsequent meltdown.

My doctor is good to me. I called the next morning, they got me in that afternoon, and I had my results by that evening. I told my co-workers I needed to step outside to check my voicemail. I pressed the phone to my ear and listened as my cheerful nurse told me that my blood results were positive for pregnancy…however my HCG was on the “low side”. As she said the number I merely nodded my head and thought “that sounds about right”. Because my number isn’t just on the low side. It’s shockingly low. I had braced myself for a lower number as I had always done betas on 15dpo in the past and this one was taken on 13dpo. But my number…I almost laughed at it. Because my HCG? It is only at 18.

My first pregnancy was a little low at 15dpo at 65. In order to match that number my HCG will have to quadruple. My second pregnancy was 233 at 15dpo. To match that number my number would have to multiply by 13. Mind you both these pregnancies failed. So I’m thinking my 18 isn’t looking to good.

My expectations are low. I am willing to bet that I go in tomorrow for my next beta, the number does go up, but does not double. From there we will pray it is not ectopic. Truthfully if it is going to end I’d rather it end now. I’d rather see declining numbers tomorrow rather than have this drag out painfully.

.My number 4. 4th pregnancy and it is looking like my 4th loss. I know some people would give their right hand to be as “fertile” as me. We have gotten pregnant almost every month we have tried this year. But truthfully right now it feels like a curse. To get a brief glimpse of what could be and then to have it taken away over and over again.

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27 Comments

Filed under Betas, Depression, First Trimester, Just my luck, Miscarriage, PCOS, Pregnancy, RPL

27 responses to “Numbers

  1. Sending Iove and light during this uncertain time.

    Abiding with you.

  2. SendIng you love. This is so hard.

  3. SM

    The 4th one is never any easier than the first. Sending love your way.

  4. Tami

    I feel your pain, numbness, and fatigue like it is my own. I only want good news for you tomorrow and will keep hope even when I know it is too hard for you to hold your own. Hugs are just a few days away my love.

  5. I can’t even articulate an appropriate response. I’m sorry things aren’t looking good. Big hugs.

  6. Fuck. Not at all what I was hoping for when I saw the title of this post. I can only imagine how said/pissed off/ spent you are from getting this news. That after all of this BS, there’s more potential for bad news. Please know I’m thinking of you, sending so much love.

  7. I’m sorry this has to be so hard. Thinking of you, Trisha, and still hoping for the best — even when it is impossible for you to do the same. ~ hugs ~

  8. I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you, to have lost all excitement and expectation and be left only with the memory of the pain and the heartache that may come. Allow us out here in the ether to hope for you.

  9. Oh Trisha, this is so unfair. I’m sending love and light.

  10. D

    I am so sorry that you are back here again. 😦 Hugs.

  11. Shelley

    God DAMN it! I’m so sorry you’re in this place, Trisha. I’m wrapping you up in warmth and strength.

  12. Sending love to you sweetie. I am so sorry you are still facing this heartache and I long for you to be on the other side of it all. Hugs.

  13. Oh geez Trisha – I am so sorry you are stuck here for the 4th time. HUGS.

  14. Porter

    😦 I’m sorry. Sending you love and strength.

  15. Wishing at least one of us could be there to love on you during the days ahead no matter what tomorrow’s numbers reveal. hugs.

  16. Sending you love. I am so sorry.

  17. I want so much for you to get that really good positive beta number where you and your hubby can be over the moon excited and hopeful. Prayers to you that things aren’t what they seem for your number 4.

  18. Kristin

    Whether your next beta brings good news or bad, know that I am with you. Sending light and love.

  19. I really hope that you just have a really low number because you had a blood test at 13dpo. Why can’t this be easier for all of us??

  20. I’m so sorry. 😦 I’m hoping the number quadruples anyway… ❤

  21. I am so sorry to hear this. You are right. We all would give anything to have a positive pregnancy test, but not if it meant a loss was soon to follow. What you have endured is just cruel. It’s not fair! I’m angry and heartbroken for you at the same time. You should not have to go through this again…however, keep just a little bit of hope set aside until you have answers. Thinking of you and sending SO MANY positive thoughts!

  22. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

  23. Praying this is still the one… And hanging on to those positive thoughts for you. Whatever the outcome, I wish you strength and courage to move forward. You are loved and so is this baby.

  24. Pingback: Called it |

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