Onward we go

I walked into my RE’s office yesterday with my head held high. I was determined for them to see how my low beta number had not destroyed me. They had just gotten back from lunch so when I walked in my doctor was standing at the front desk talking with the receptionist. When he saw me he gave me a big smile and shook my hand. He asked me how I was doing and I was honest. I told him I was good, all things considering. Then he looked straight at me and said “I’m excited”. I must have looked at him like he had 4 heads. I asked him why he was excited and he told me he was excited about my positive. I said to him “It is such a low number…”. He told me it didn’t matter that it was supposed to be low, because we caught it so early. He told me as long as it was doubling, the number didn’t matter and again…that he was excited.

My doctor is a straight shooter. I’ve always liked that about him. He tells you like it is, even if the news is bad. I expected him to brace me for the inevitable loss of this pregnancy. Instead he was there encouraging me and telling me that things are looking good. I felt as if I had jumped through the rabbit hole. How is a 18 looking good? But never the less it did make me feel better to know that someone was positive about the possibility of this pregnancy. Did it give me hope? Not really. But I figure someone better have some.

My number did not quadruple, it did not triple, but it did more than double. 2nd beta came back at 42. A doubling time of 39 hours. My doctor is pleased and is not having me back for another draw until next Wednesday after that we will schedule an ultrasound…something I really can’t even think about because I think I have PTSD from the last one. But I digress.

I am that “P” word that I don’t like to think about. I don’t feel any different. With my other 2 pregnancies from the moment I saw a second line I felt almost a transformation. Even though it was too early for symptoms it was as if my body and mind were already invested and aware of the tiny life growing in me. This time I feel same as I did last week. I feel no magic or wonder. I feel nonchalant. I haven’t even gone pee-stick crazy like I did with my other ones. I’m going to feel guilty as hell if this ends up being my take home baby because I doubted it like crazy. Talk about a downer. I can imagine telling my imaginary child “Yeah, I never believed you’d survive”.

Things are different now. There will be no bump-dates. No belly pics. No ultrasound photos. In the past I tried to pretend that I could be “normal” and enjoy a pregnancy. That is so far gone it is not even funny. I’m already trying to plan ways that I can avoid telling people about this until I’m 30 weeks if I am lucky enough to get there. With my nosy family it doesn’t seem very likely. My point is…don’t expect pregnancy rainbows and sunshine. Expect your normal bitching and moaning. For right now I am content to pretend that nothing has changed.

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19 Comments

Filed under Betas, First Trimester, Infertility, Living Life, Pregnancy

19 responses to “Onward we go

  1. One of the most frustrating/disheartening things about all of this is that RPL/IF robs so many of us the opportunity to be happy like “normal” people. What I’ve been telling myself as of late is that “normal” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

    Do what you need to do. And let us know what we can do to support you. If you want us to be excited, I can do excited! If you want distraction for the next 30 weeks, I can do that too. Just focus on getting through the next couple of days. Focus on being good to yourself.

  2. One day at a time. I’ll be reading and sending good vibes your way!

  3. I say that whatever you have to do to get through these uncertain early days, do it. I really hope this pregnancy ends well, bur right now you just need to take care of you and protect your heart. Thinking of you a lot. ~ hugs ~

  4. 39 is a great doubling number. I want nothing more than to sit here reading this when you reach 30 weeks and finally decide to tell the world. Until then, do what you need to do.

  5. Peaches

    ” I’m going to feel guilty as hell if this ends up being my take home baby because I doubted it like crazy. Talk about a downer. I can imagine telling my imaginary child “Yeah, I never believed you’d survive”. ”

    That will make an awesome baby book story and prove exactly how much they were really wanted. So much so, that you kept trying, despite heartbreak and emotional exhaustion.

    • RK

      Totally, totally agree. That you wanted this baby and fought for him/her so hard and for so long, that you were too terrified to let yourself hope until s/he was in your arms, and how it proved that s/he was a fighter from the start. Personally, I would love if my mom told me a story like that:) Honest.

      The guardedness, the refusing to get excited- don’t feel guilty about that. You also have to protect yourself, and you have already had a very rough, very long road to this point.

  6. I’ve heardamy stories about low numbers out of the gate that turned into successful pregnancies. I’m glad hour RE is encouraged. And I think whatever you need to do to stay sans right now totally makes sense. I’m keeping my fingers crossed extra hard though.

  7. It’s like you are writing my posts for me lately….I understand exactly what you are going through.

  8. Step by step… thinking of you and hoping and wishing for nothing but the best of news.

  9. The thing is, you never have to tell the baby “Yeah, I never believed you’d survive”. Instead, you can say that the baby was a fighter. That so many people were hoping and praying and wishing for this to be your happy ending and it turned out to be. I hope everything works out wonderfully for your next beta and ultrasound.

  10. You put me in check if/when I get annoying (because boy do I get that) but I’m feeling so freakishly positive for you. 1) Your doctor confirms this 2) Lovenox injections are notorious for throwing low starting betas 3) You are on a new protocol and 4) Everyone knows 4th time around is the THIS IS GOING TO WORK round. So, though I know you are a bit numb to all of this (as I said the other day, I believe this is good) I’m going to rock all the positivity I can muster and huck it at you (not at your pretty face though).

    I’m so excited for tomorrow. It’s like Christmas, but back when Christmas was a really happy time. xo

  11. I totally respect your attitude about this pregnancy – who could behave any differently after what you have been through? And just because you are being reserved about things now does not mean you will love that child any less if you get to keep him/her. I am praying so hard for you right now!

  12. I’m following along, and rooting for you that this little one is the one you will finally get to hold in your arms. Stay strong, sister!

  13. Kristin

    Friend, I am rooting for you and I support whatever measures you take to be kind to yourself and protect your heart.

  14. Congrats on a good number! I completely understand your “whatever” attitude at this point. It’s good to protect yourself and if (we hope it’s really when) you find out this is your take home baby, you have no reason to feel bad about not being excited from day 1. I’m hoping you get good news again at your next appointment 🙂

  15. Vineo

    Hi. It does get better. I’m now 30 weeks and I too never thought I’d make it here after so much failure. I barely blinked an eye at this BFP. The fear and doubt still eat me up, but it does get easier. There are even moments of confidence. Can you imagine?!! You’ll get there. It’ll never be as worry free as it is for some, but eventually, you’ve gotten your last piece of bad news, and it’s okay for 9 whole months.

  16. Praying for you that your doc is right about this pregnancy, that it is THE one to get excited about! I understand it’s hard for you right now, but I’m still keeping you in my prayers for your take home baby.

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