Waiting

Thank you to everyone’s comments on my last post. Yes, right now hope is looking pretty slim. Not that I really had a lot of hope about the whole thing, but you know what I mean. It has been interesting. After my post I had a couple of hours where I was spotting dark red/brown blood. That started to taper off and throughout yesterday it was exclusively brown. However during the brown I also passed a decent sized clot (also brown). The brown continued throughout the day yesterday. So far this morning…no spotting at all.

But let’s get real. That does not changes things. It just prolongs them. With as much as I’m spotting and with the clot, this pregnancy is not going to work. And truthfully…I’m okay. My awesome coping mechanisms continue to work. Am I disappointed that I am here again? Yes. Am I sad that it is looking less and less likely that my body will be able to carry a baby to term? Yes. But I know who I am. I know what my relationship is. And I know we will have a family. I wish I could tell myself when or how but that is the hard part.

I got the chance to meet up again with Tami yesterday. I can’t tell you how much I love this girl. I am so incredibly grateful for her friendship through all of this. We sat and talked for hours. We laughed, we cried, we shared our fears and our hopes. I told her one of the ways I’m dealing with this is by repeating words about serenity that people use while in AA.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I know in my heart that I did everything right. I took all my vitamins. Folic acid, baby aspirin, viatmin D, pre-natals. I injected myself daily with a blood thinner. I took progesterone twice a day*. I did everything a good pregnant person should do. So when this pregnancy fails I know it is not due to my shortcomings. Its biology. Something is wrong in my body and I desperately wish they could figure out what. But I know that if positive thoughts and good intentions created a healthy pregnancy and baby, we’d all have a dozen babies in our homes right now. Unfortunately the world does not work that way though.

In the meantime this pregnancy joins the ranks of numbers 1 and 3. Pregnancies that I am sad I have lost, yet for me none of these have made the impact of #2. MB. My boy. He is the one I still mourn today. Maybe that is heartless considering I technically am pregnant still with a different embryo. But when I think of loss I think of him. That is what I lost this year. The others…well maybe they are just pushing me in a different direction. For now though we wait. We wait to move on, even if we are unsure what the future holds.

 

*Yes I am still taking all my vitamins and injections. I will not cease until the miscarriage is confirmed even though I believe it to be inevitable.

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6 Comments

Filed under Depression, First Trimester, Healing, Infertility, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, RPL

6 responses to “Waiting

  1. I wish I knew what to say or do during this time. That somehow I could help during you comfort and remind you that you’re not alone. I’m grieving with you. Wishing that you knew none of this pain. Wishing I knew exactly what was wrong to prevent all of this. Please know I think of you daily. Both you and Tami. And will continue to send lots and lots of love.

  2. That serenity prayer from AA? I say it all the time. I first learned it when I met my husband because he’s a recovering drug addict (clean 11 years) and I would go to NA meetings with him. Of course, at the time I never could have imagined the place it would take in my life as the years went by. I think your perspective on all of this is amazing and I’m glad that you’re “okay,” but still so sorry that you have to suffer through this. I’m still hoping for you and thinking of you, always. XO

  3. I’m glad you are realizing you have done everything you can for this pregnancy. That is a very hard place to get to sometimes, but it points you in the right direction towards healing. I’m so sorry you have gone through so much.

  4. Tami

    I was driving home on Saturday and thinking (more) about you. People use the word “strength” a lot in this community. However it really hit me how you are one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. In my life. And its a gift that you are so willing to pass along to me. I am forever grateful to you for that. Love you with my whole heart T. xo

  5. That is all you can do. Surrender to it. You have done all you can. My therapist got me saying the same thing. It works, its really works, and lets you realize you have done all you can. I’m thinking of you.

  6. *sigh*

    I am so sorry, friend. I sincerely hope that your suspicions are wrong, but I know too well the kind of innate knowledge that comes in these situations. Please, please know that so many people are loving you and praying for you from afar, and sending hugs your way during this time.

    XOXO, friend.

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