Lost

Yesterday was hard. I knew the upcoming holidays were going to be much more difficult to get through than usual but I wasn’t expecting the gloom that settled over me whenever my mind was not actively engaged in something. It probably didn’t help that the night before Thanksgiving J and I had a huge fight that I still wasn’t over. It didn’t help that I felt nauseous every time I tried to eat, resulting in a pretty lame Thanksgiving meal for me. But most of all it didn’t help that the bleeding truly began.

I’ve been expecting it for days. The spotting has been increasing in intensity and times where it has been bright red. I knew there was no chance of this working out at this point. My last beta number came in at 286. Which was a doubling time of 52 hours. My doctor tried to play it off saying there is still a possibility of this working out. But he was not taking into consideration the amount of spotting I’ve been having. Now there is no doubt. I’m wearing a pad and passing tissue. This is over now I just have to wait for it to all go down.

I’m supposed to go in for a final beta and an ultrasound next Wednesday as I would be 6 weeks. I think I’m going to call Monday and try to cancel the ultrasound though. Really there is no point. Plus I have PTSD regarding that ultrasound room and I don’t need another reason for that to continue. I also really want to stop taking my Lovenox injections. I’ve continued because I felt it was the responsible thing to do but now I just feel like I’m sticking needles in myself for no reason. Thoughts? I’m worried if I stop I’ll feel guilty until we confirm my levels are decreasing.

At least now I know we are done for this year. Possibly done for good. It seem very obvious to me that none of this has been “bad luck”. Something is very wrong with my body. Based on how early I’m losing them I think there is something wrong with implanting. But there isn’t much more we can do to help that. And I don’t know if I can do this again. One thing this pregnancy has really taught me is that I’m not healed. Because the pregnancy that I am mourning right now is not the current one. It’s MBs. He was my fighter, the one who somehow got past the implanting stage and made it. Yet he still died. And the fact that I don’t know why he died hurts so much. Yesterday all I could think about was wishing that I still was pregnant with him so that he could be the thing I was grateful for. I’m still too damaged from his loss to embrace a new pregnancy.

Of course my doctor will bench me for a month, then he will encourage me to try again. Of this I am sure. But I’m benching myself. I’m not sure if it is a permanent bench or not at this point. I just know right now I can’t do it. I used to hesitate about adopting because I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted the whole experience. Now pregnancy no longer holds wonder and joy for me. It will be nothing but terror and anxiety. And I am not sure that I want it anymore.

Sorry for the bummer post on the weekend that it supposed to be all about gratitude. All I can do is hope that next year my story is a happier one, even though I have no idea what the hell is going to happen.

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13 Comments

Filed under Betas, Depression, Infertility, PCOS, Pregnancy, RPL, Sickness

13 responses to “Lost

  1. I’ve just stumbled across your blog and happened to read this post which completely broke my heart. I’m so sorry you are struggling with what sounds like a very difficult time.

    Wanted you to know I was here, reading. (you may not wish to return the favour right now, as a warning. My blog isn’t a particularly happy one and I won’t be bothered in the slightest if you do not visit) All the best to you.

  2. Crying while reading this. Pissed at the universe and hurting so badly. I’m so sorry Trisha. I wish I could take this away.

  3. (((Hugs))) I am so sorry! I am sorry 2012 has been such a difficult year – it has for me as well. I hope that 2013 is better for both of us!! Thinking of you!

  4. I’m so sorry. My heart hurts for you, Trisha. Take as much time as you need to heal.

  5. So sorry, hoping for a miracle for you.

  6. I’m so sorry. You have been through so much, but manage to still post. I wish I knew the right words that would make this all better, but I know there are none. Please know that you are not alone and that we are standing beside you in spirit. We are all thinking of you and praying for you.

  7. My heart hurts for you so much Trisha. I am so sorry you are going through all of this, and yet the pain from your last lost is still there and very painful. I have had 4 miscarriages in the last 3 years, and it never ever gets easier. The pain is real and raw. I’m not a doctor, but I do take Lovenox. I would continue with the shots until you have an answer. Again I’m am with all of me so very sorry.

  8. So much anger and sadness. Hugs to you.

  9. This post just broke my heart, Trisha. I feel for you. I really do. I only wish there was something I could do to make it all better for you. ~ hugs ~

  10. I understand completely what you are going through… You’re right, you need to heal. Sending love and good vibes your way! xo

  11. Oh Trisha, I understand completely and have only been through a fraction of what you have. You need to take all the time necessary to heal and rediscover joy. We are here for you along the way, too, whether you are actively trying, taking a break, or hanging up your hat for good. xoxo

  12. Take all the time you need on the bench – whether you’re there for good or it’s just temporary. I hope you find peace and healing during this time. *Thinking of you.*

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