This weekend was a bad one. Little did I know when I posted last that things were just getting started. After that post the bleeding picked up. And when I say picked up I really mean picked up. I have never in my life bled so much. Every time I moved I could feel my body hemorrhaging. I try to enjoy an evening with friends but end up in the bathroom every 20 min trying to keep myself feeling clean and acceptable. The blood loss made me feel sleepy and lethargic. Not to mention the emotional shit that made me feel like a zombie.
On Monday I did not go into work. I couldn’t with how much I was still bleeding. So I called my doctor’s office and explained what was going on. They told me to come in for another beta and we would see what was going on from there. I was initially fine at the appointment until they stuck my arm…and no blood came out. Because I had been feeling so down and crappy that I had forgotten to take a sip of water all day. So another nurse came in and decided to try with my other arm. For some reason this sent all my emotions loose. I’m not sure why, I have had more blood sticks than I can count and they don’t bother me, but this time I was fighting tears the entire time. Then the nurse asked quietly “How many is this?” I choked out “4” and the tears started streaming.
Numbers came back the next day while I was at work. To my utter shock and dismay my nurse informed me that my numbers had not gone down like I had expected, in fact they had gone up. Beta #4 was 1190. Not even close to where it needed to be, yet still a doubling time of 70 hours. At this point I was pissed. Last thing I need right now is for this to drag on for weeks on end. They also asked me if I had stopped taking my progesterone since mine was only at 3.8. Uh oh. I told them yes and I could practically see the disappointed looks through the phone.
They had me go back in today for another beta and an ultrasound. First thing my doctor came out and scolded me for stopping the progesterone. He told me “It can only be one way…either I’m the doctor or you are. You can’t decide this is over before I tell you that it is.”
Whatever dude. You try having your uterus kill 4 babies in 9 months then come talk to me about knowing when it’s over.
Anyways as predicted the ultrasound showed that there is nothing left to hope for. No sac, no fetal pole, no baby. Just a thinning lining that will continue to thin out. Joy, more blood for me. Let me clarify…my doctor is not a bad guy. In fact he is extremely nice. Through all of this he was not mean, and I do see his point, I’m just also say that the one thing that has come out of all this is I KNOW my body. I am so in-tune with it now. And I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt that I had miscarried. Should I have called them before stopping the progesterone? Probably. But do I feel guilty about it? No.
After the ultrasound we talked. Pretty much at this point there is not much else he can offer me. He still feels that I will get pregnant and carry a baby to term, he just doesn’t know how many more losses will come before that baby. He could offer more aggressive treatment but he knows it is something we are not willing to do right now, I.E. IVF with genetic testing on the embryos. I don’t feel in the current situation this is a solution. We HAD a normal embryo. And we still lost him. So why would I pay 30 grand to risk that happening again? I just can’t.
He looked at me and said “The important thing right now is that we aren’t going to give up”. I sat there silently for a moment before telling him “Right now, we are”.
I don’t know what the future holds or if we will try for a genetic child again. I fully recognize I am not in the mindset right now to make that decision either way. Right now what is important is taking time to regain who I am. I’ve lost so much of myself this year. I need to focus on getting through the holidays, taking time for my marriage, and finding joy outside of a child right now. Bare minimum I need 3 months before I even consider another pregnancy.
This does not mean we are stopping our journey to have a family. Far from it. It just means that our perception of how our family will come to us will have to change. That is what I am going to do for the next 3 months. That and have sex with my husband because I want to. Not because I have to.
I’m severely damaged right now. Unexplained recurrent pregnancy loss. I never thought my year would end up this way.