Coming to a Bitter End

This weekend was a bad one. Little did I know when I posted last that things were just getting started. After that post the bleeding picked up. And when I say picked up I really mean picked up. I have never in my life bled so much. Every time I moved I could feel my body hemorrhaging. I try to enjoy an evening with friends but end up in the bathroom every 20 min trying to keep myself feeling clean and acceptable. The blood loss made me feel sleepy and lethargic. Not to mention the emotional shit that made me feel like a zombie.

On Monday I did not go into work. I couldn’t with how much I was still bleeding. So I called my doctor’s office and explained what was going on. They told me to come in for another beta and we would see what was going on from there. I was initially fine at the appointment until they stuck my arm…and no blood came out. Because I had been feeling so down and crappy that I had forgotten to take a sip of water all day. So another nurse came in and decided to try with my other arm. For some reason this sent all my emotions loose. I’m not sure why, I have had more blood sticks than I can count and they don’t bother me, but this time I was fighting tears the entire time. Then the nurse asked quietly “How many is this?” I choked out “4” and the tears started streaming.

Numbers came back the next day while I was at work. To my utter shock and dismay my nurse informed me that my numbers had not gone down like I had expected, in fact they had gone up. Beta #4 was 1190. Not even close to where it needed to be, yet still a doubling time of 70 hours. At this point I was pissed. Last thing I need right now is for this to drag on for weeks on end. They also asked me if I had stopped taking my progesterone since mine was only at 3.8. Uh oh. I told them yes and I could practically see the disappointed looks through the phone.

They had me go back in today for another beta and an ultrasound. First thing my doctor came out and scolded me for stopping the progesterone. He told me “It can only be one way…either I’m the doctor or you are. You can’t decide this is over before I tell you that it is.”

Whatever dude. You try having your uterus kill 4 babies in 9 months then come talk to me about knowing when it’s over.

Anyways as predicted the ultrasound showed that there is nothing left to hope for. No sac, no fetal pole, no baby. Just a thinning lining that will continue to thin out. Joy, more blood for me. Let me clarify…my doctor is not a bad guy. In fact he is extremely nice. Through all of this he was not mean, and I do see his point, I’m just also say that the one thing that has come out of all this is I KNOW my body. I am so in-tune with it now. And I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt that I had miscarried. Should I have called them before stopping the progesterone? Probably. But do I feel guilty about it? No.

After the ultrasound we talked. Pretty much at this point there is not much else he can offer me. He still feels that I will get pregnant and carry a baby to term, he just doesn’t know how many more losses will come before that baby. He could offer more aggressive treatment but he knows it is something we are not willing to do right now,  I.E. IVF with genetic testing on the embryos. I don’t feel in the current situation this is a solution. We HAD a normal embryo. And we still lost him. So why would I pay 30 grand to risk that happening again? I just can’t.

He looked at me and said “The important thing right now is that we aren’t going to give up”. I sat there silently for a moment before telling him “Right now, we are”.

I don’t know what the future holds or if we will try for a genetic child again. I fully recognize I am not in the mindset right now to make that decision either way. Right now what is important is taking time to regain who I am. I’ve lost so much of myself this year. I need to focus on getting through the holidays, taking time for my marriage, and finding joy outside of a child right now. Bare minimum I need 3 months before I even consider another pregnancy.

This does not mean we are stopping our journey to have a family. Far from it. It just means that our perception of how our family will come to us will have to change. That is what I am going to do for the next 3 months. That and have sex with my husband because I want to. Not because I have to.

I’m severely damaged right now. Unexplained recurrent pregnancy loss. I never thought my year would end up this way.

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20 Comments

Filed under Betas, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Infertility, Just my luck, Miscarriage, People suck, RPL

20 responses to “Coming to a Bitter End

  1. Hugs!! I am so sorry! I wish I had more words to comfort you. Hope that taking a break will help you as it has helped me in the past!

  2. Anyone who tells you that taking time to heal is “giving up” is full of it. Lady, you’ve been through hell this year. 4 miscarriages is 4 too many and you need time to heal. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise needs to have their head examined.

    Be good to yourself during this time. Heal, vent, do what is necessary. When you are ready, the offer still stands. In the meantime, thinking fo you and sending so much love.

  3. I’m so sorry. Words cannot express.

    Abiding with you during this impossible time.

  4. Heartbroken. So badly wish you were telling a different story today. I will be holding you in my heart as you grieve and find your way to move forward.

  5. I’m so deeply sorry for yet another loss. You know how I feel on this subject, but I just want you to be okay and do whatever it takes to get there. Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. I really hope the next three months can bring some healing and answers to those all-important questions. All my love, friend.

  6. Trisha I am deeply sorry for all you’ve been through this year. I truly hope the next few months allows you the time necessary to regain your mind, body and spirit. I do believe your body needs some intense healing time. Once you’ve taken the time to heal I do believe you will be in so much of a better space mentally. My thoughts are with you.

  7. I am so so sorry to read this news. I’m just now catching up on the last few weeks of blog posts, as I’ve been out of the country, and it breaks my heart to see what you’ve been through in that short time. I can only imagine how difficult it was to even have a modicum of hope in the early days, after all you’ve been through this year and the rocky start to the numbers. And now you have to survive this. There is not much I can say, but please know that I am thinking of you.

  8. Trisha, I am at a loss for words. Know I’m sending love and strength to you and your husband. xoxo.

  9. mylifeisaboutthejourney

    Trisha, this post breaks my heart. I am so sorry that you are going through this again. I don’t even have the words. Thinking of you.

  10. Shelley

    So many hugs to you Trisha. It’s so very terribly unfair. I hope you’re able to find healing in the months ahead and I continue to hold out hope that somehow, you will get your take home baby someday.

  11. The only person who knows how much time you need to grieve and heal is you. Take as much time as you need, and in the meantime, we’ll all be here with you.

  12. I am so sorry. You have truly amazing courage.

  13. And yet again, we find ourselves in the same place, by way of different paths. For all the bad we’ve been through, all the pain, hurt, and destruction- I am forever thankful that the universe brought us together. I love you to the moon and back and will hold you hand until the end of time.

  14. I’m so sorry. You have such courage to go through this and sending you positive thoughts 😦

  15. I’m just so very sorry Trisha. I cannot fathom the pain you are feeling as you grieve another loss, and so I will just keep doing the only things I know to do… pray for the healing you so desperately need and deserve, and maintain unerring hope and confidence in your eventual path to motherhood. You will survive this. And you are not alone.

  16. ::hug:: Knowing when to say “stop” is a very difficult and *very* brave thing to do. I have wondered a million times where the line in the sand is for myself. You have been through more devastation in one year than some people go through their whole lives, you deserve to take the time to process, recuperate, and remind yourself of the good things in life. The deeper I have gotten into infertility, the more I have made myself consider the alternatives: adoption, child free, etc. Wherever your journey takes you, I’ll be here cheering you on!

  17. KelBel

    I am here via Tami’s blog…my heart is just broken for you. I am so sorry.

  18. Reading your posts reminds me of all the pain I’ve been through in the past 2 years… I understand completely and I wish there was something I could say to make it better. The only thing I can say is that you are in my thoughts and I truly hope you reach your dreams. Big hugs to you xox

  19. LynnC

    Hang in there! I am so sorry. I had 3 losses in the past 2 years and it is devastating. I felt like you, how many more times can I take this? Just take it day by day and take care of yourself. I am currently pregnant again, further then I have gotten before, and things are going well. It just takes one perfect storm to create a sticky baby, for some of us it just is preceeded by lots of false starts. I found accepting a BFP without getting super excited right away helped me manage my expectations. There is no easy answer, it just sucks. I’m praying for peace, guidance and comfort for you.

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