Some of you may remember but when I first announced this pregnancy I was devastated by the low number. I even made a prediction about the outcome of this pregnancy. I predicted that my next beta would go up but not double, I also predicted that this was an ectopic pregnancy.
Well, on the last part at least. I had another beta yesterday. As my last beta was a week prior and at around 1300 they were expecting to see it at a zero, or at least very close. Instead it came back at over 3600. Not good. So my doctor called me and told me to come in asap for another ultrasound. I knew when I got there what we were looking for. I knew before he told me he suspected an ectopic that this is what it was. Some times it sucks knowing all the worst case scenarios.
Long story short he confirmed an ectopic via ultrasound and gave me some options. We could go in for surgery right away, cut open the tube, and take out the pregnancy. The problem with this option is sometimes the tube will develop scar tissue and close up. Given that I have only one ovary this is not a chance I’m willing to take. Instead we decided to go with a Methotrxate shot. This gives a fighting chance of saving my last remaining hope of a genetic child.
That being said I am still at a very high risk for rupture given the size of the pregnancy. My office worked frantically calling all the pharmacies in the area trying to find the shot. My doctor wanted it administered today in order to give us the best chance possible. They were able to track it down and I was given the shot an hour ago. That shot is literally a pain in the ass. Definitely feeling very sore.
I’ve been scared of pregnancy ever since I saw my first positive. However that fear always came from the thought of losing the pregnancy. I never thought I’d be scared of the pregnancy itself. But I’m terrified right now. I’m so scared that I have an unavoidable date with the operating room. My doctor gave me his personal cell number and told me to call him if I experienced any pain at all, and he would meet me at the ER. Not exactly reassuring that everything is going to be fine.
Not to mention the lingering fear that this might just be the end. Everyone has a line, and we have already decided ours. We made the choice long ago that IVF is just something we are not willing to do in light of my miscarriages. So if this tube goes…there goes our babies. The ones that I see in my dreams that look like J and I.
In the end I know we will be parents. I just never thought it would end this way.