Called it

Some of you may remember but when I first announced this pregnancy I was devastated by the low number. I even made a prediction about the outcome of this pregnancy. I predicted that my next beta would go up but not double, I also predicted that this was an ectopic pregnancy.

WINNER!

Well, on the last part at least. I had another beta yesterday. As my last beta was a week prior and at around 1300 they were expecting to see it at a zero, or at least very close. Instead it came back at over 3600. Not good. So my doctor called me and told me to come in asap for another ultrasound. I knew when I got there what we were looking for. I knew before he told me he suspected an ectopic that this is what it was. Some times it sucks knowing all the worst case scenarios.

Long story short he confirmed an ectopic via ultrasound and gave me some options. We could go in for surgery right away, cut open the tube, and take out the pregnancy. The problem with this option is sometimes the tube will develop scar tissue and close up. Given that I have only one ovary this is not a chance I’m willing to take. Instead we decided to go with a Methotrxate shot. This gives  a fighting chance of saving my last remaining hope of a genetic child.

That being said I am still at a very high risk for rupture given the size of the pregnancy. My office worked frantically calling all the pharmacies in the area trying to find the shot. My doctor wanted it administered today in order to give us the best chance possible. They were able to track it down and I was given the shot an hour ago. That shot is literally a pain in the ass. Definitely feeling very sore.

I’ve been scared of pregnancy ever since I saw my first positive. However that fear always came from the thought of losing the pregnancy. I never thought I’d be scared of the pregnancy itself. But I’m terrified right now. I’m so scared that I have an unavoidable date with the operating room. My doctor gave me his personal cell number and told me to call him if I experienced any pain at all, and he would meet me at the ER. Not exactly reassuring that everything is going to be fine.

Not to mention the lingering fear that this might just be the end. Everyone has a line, and we have already decided ours. We made the choice long ago that IVF is just something we are not willing to do in light of my miscarriages. So if this tube goes…there goes our babies. The ones that I see in my dreams that look like J and I.

In the end I know we will be parents. I just never thought it would end this way.

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29 Comments

Filed under Depression, Ectopic, First Trimester, Infertility, Just my luck, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, RPL

29 responses to “Called it

  1. I am so sorry. I have been down the road with the mexto. My heart goes out to you. I’m thinking of you

  2. Oh gosh, I pray that the shot works for you and you can avoid surgery. So so sorry…

  3. I’m still in shock. *This* was not supposed to happen. Losing a pregnancy is bad enough, but when your health is at risk- my brain starts to panic. As I told you earlier, I’ll be down there in a hot second. Anything you need, I’m there. Consider me your personal genie. I just wish I could wish this all away for you.

    You are not alone in this T. I’m with you and hurting alongside you.

  4. I’m so so so sorry you’re dealing with this…. I’m hoping your tube is safe and so are you! xo

  5. Been where you’ve been. Hoping for a miscarriage. Irony, yes? This sucks. If and when you are open to it, your baby may/will come to you in an unconventional way.

  6. I am so sorry you are going through this…it is doubly unfair. I am hoping and praying that you do not have to use that cell phone number and that you are safe. Thinking of you.

  7. I’m so sorry. I am hoping so much that your body works this out on it’s own, so you don’t have to have the surgery. Crossing everything that your tube is able to be saved. Thinking of you.

  8. Oh Trisha! I’m so sorry! How terrifying! Praying for you sweet lady! Hopeful that everything will go smoothly and that your tube is saved.

  9. So scared for you! Really really hope this shot works and so sorry you are in this position.

  10. Damnit, Trisha. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that it never seems to end. I hope the methotrexate does the job quickly and efficiently. I hope your tube survives unscathed. I hope you can make it through unscathed. I’m so sorry.

  11. I am so sorry that you are enduring more!! I hope that the medication works and you can avoid surgery! Thinking of you!

  12. I couldn’t bring myself to “like” this but I wanted you to know my heart goes out to you.

  13. theyellowblanket

    I’m so sorry you’re being dealt the shit stick. Again. What the hell is wrong with statistics? Don’t you statistically deserve a break?

  14. There are no words, Trisha. I am terrified for you, so I can only imagine how you must feel. I truly hope the shot works and that this is not the end of the road as you fear. Thinking of you and sending hugs and hope.

  15. Esperanza

    Oh Trisha, I’m so sorry. My first pregnancy was ectopic and it was a horrendous experience. MTX is no joke, that shit will ravage you. But I hope it does what it’s supposed to do. Keeping all appendages crossed that the pregnancy “resolves” and your tube is saved.

    Abiding with you.

  16. I’m so sorry, Trisha. I hope you can avoid surgery and save your chances for a biological child. This just sucks.

  17. I am so sorry hon. I am praying that this will give you your chance again soon. x

  18. samkersley

    I’m so sorry to hear ur news I really hope the shot work I never knew I was ectopic so didn’t get the choice. I wouldn’t wish the pain of a ruptured ectopic on anyone. I really hope ul be ok. My heart an love goes out to you

  19. Good grief, how much is a woman to endure? Trisha, I read this to the Professor (he knows of your journey, too) and we both had tears in our eyes. I wish there was some way to take away your pain. Abiding with you.

  20. I read this post yesterday and just had no words. Back today just to say that you have been and will stay in my thoughts and prayers until this is safely resolved. You deserve a break more than just about anyone I know (including the blogosphere and IRL). Sending love, strength and hugs.

  21. Jen

    Wow, I am so sorry you’re going through this. I’m thinking about you and hoping this process is a quick one. 😦

  22. Oh no! You will be in my thoughts. I hope that you stay very safe and that this is all resolved soon. Take care!

  23. I am so sorry this is happening. Fingers crossed that the shot does the trick and you avoid surgery. I continue to be inspired by your strength and courage.

  24. I am so sorry what you thought would happen is happening. Keeping you in my prayers that you don’t lose your ovary and tube.

  25. I’m so sorry. there is nothing i can say but offer you thoughts and prayers.

  26. veetamia

    Trisha I am so so sorry this is happening to you. Not fair, and I can understand the fear that you are feeling. I hope the shot works out, I really do so that you don’t need surgery. Take care of yourself. You are in my prayers.

  27. When does it ever get easy? I’m so sorry about the ectopic and hope that the medicine does it’s job. Take care of yourself. We are all thinking of you.

  28. Yael

    I’m sorry. I’ve so been there. I’ve had 3 ectopics. The last one they wanted to take both my tubes since it was on the other side from the first 2. I opted for the injection instead. I had a flare up couple months later when my numbers started going up again, and spent a night and day in the hospital waiting to see if they would operate or let me go home. I got away with my tubes. Dh still doesn’t agree with my decision, but I couldn’t live with the idea of losing being able to have any more naturally and it being only ivf..Don’t touch any chinese meds or anything until you hit 0, I think that was my mistake though it has been said that the herbs can’t do that…but I have no other explanation.. I hope the injection works and all is good… don’t confuse cramping bec the bleeding is starting with the pain of the ectopic…(very easy to)..
    ..

  29. I am so very sorry. You’re in my thoughts.

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