I have always loved Christmas. I love the holiday spirit, seeing decorations, wrapping presents, all of it. I’m a firm believer that Christmas should not start until after Thanksgiving, but I’m also the person is pulling out my decorations the very next day.
We’ve never had a big tree since we move so often and we are always out-of-town on Christmas day it has never made much sense. But we have a little 2 ft. Christmas tree that I pull out every year. I decorate it, set our stockings next to it and gleefully put presents around it.
But do you know where that tree is right now? A mere 9 days before Christmas? It is in its bin. In the storage closet. Buried.
We leave for my family’s house on Thursday night and the farthest I gotten into the holiday spirit is purchasing the necessary gifts. I haven’t put up any decorations, I’ve wrapped no presents. Usually I do my best to buy J a bunch of little surprises that he did not ask for. This year I stuck to his list.
I feel like I am walking through the motions of the holidays but to be honest I could care less about them. On Christmas day we will be at J’s parents house. Surrounded by his many siblings and my baby niece and nephew. They are absolutely adorable and I don’t get to see them very often. But still. Ouch.
Not to mention we will most likely have to make trips to get my blood drawn while we are out there, just another reminder of how this year turned out nothing like it was supposed to.
Today is a day that I’ve been avoiding thinking about as much as I’ve been avoiding Christmas. Today, December 16th, is my very first due date. I remember when I miscarried and I was at my OB’s office my nurse was talking to me. She sympathetically told me she had a miscarriage and that the due date would be the hardest day of my life, except of course if I was pregnant again.
Doubly whammy for me. Because not only is this my due date, but a reminder that I would be 29 weeks today with MB. Third trimester. Something that I am starting to realize I may never experience. So it begins, this last year was the year of loss, this coming year is now the year of remembering loss. Although today makes me sad and thing of what might have been, I know this day will not compare with March 2nd. That day is going to be my personal version of hell.
Luckily today has fallen in the “holiday” range and I’ve been doing a damn good job at ignoring everything else up to this point. What is one more day? Although there are some final things I need to get done before we leave later this week. Mostly being finally wrapping the few presents I have. There will be no Christmas music in the background though. I won’t feel like Santa’s elf. The only part of the holidays I’m looking forward to is seeing our families and having time off of work. The rest I’d be okay to skip this year.