On Christmas day I had a pretty incredible experience. You see, back at the beginning of this month I found out my cousin and his wife lost their precious twin baby girls at 22 weeks. My heart immediately broke for them. No one should ever have to know what it is like to lose a desperately wanted pregnancy, yet here was another sweet and innocent young couple that were facing just that.
I don’t see that side of my family often. I think I had been introduced to her only once and very briefly at that, but through this heartache and pain I felt a kinship with her. We gathered at our grandparents house on Christmas day, me fresh out of surgery for yet another loss, when they walked in. I stood up and embraced her. We both got teary and asked if the other was okay. I spent the majority of the visit speaking with her.
And it was amazing.
Somehow the topic of blogs got brought up (not by me) so I mentioned that I could send her a few links to those who have gone through similar losses. I also did something I have never done before, I gave her my blog address. The only other person in real life who I have allowed to read this blog is J. But I just wanted her to know that even though our journeys are very different, I get it. I understand the pain and so do many others.
The thing is, it was healing for me to connect to another person that way. I have experienced this before whenever I meet up with Tutti (who is pretty much my favorite person ever if you haven’t noticed). To be able to converse with someone face to face in such an honest and real manner, without fear of misunderstanding or judgement is liberating. To be able to express fears, frustrations, and anger.
This next year is going to be an interesting one. This time last year I remember feeling so much hope. I had just gotten my first un-medicated period since we had started trying, it was the Year of the Dragon, and I was sure it was a turning point. Little did I know. Sometimes I wish I could jump back to that more innocent me. The one who didn’t have any losses following her around. The one who was sure that once she got pregnant it would stick.
All bets are off now. The decisions we now have to face are critical. They will forever change our future and who I am. I wish I could say I had a lot of hope. Some days I do…but then something happens. A comment, or a memory, they creep up on me and psych me out. They make me feel like I am forever destined to be…this. Stagnant.
But I hold on to that connection. Knowing that I am not alone in my grief or fear. And hopefully my words were a comfort to her as well. I am not sure if she will ever read this or not. I hope this sweet girl finds a way to get through the difficult road ahead. I can hope very well for others, I’ve become very good at that. It is easier to hope for others than yourself, especially when so many times your world has come crashing down.
Tonight I remember this year. A year that has left not only me, but many others, scarred beyond recognition. This year has forever changed many of our lives. I can’t help but think of all those that had their hopes and dreams taken away this year. Tonight I’m sending all you, anyone who has experienced loss this year a big hug. Tomorrow starts a new day, and we are all still here to face it.