Connection

On Christmas day I had a pretty incredible experience. You see, back at the beginning of this month I found out my cousin and his wife lost their precious twin baby girls at 22 weeks. My heart immediately broke for them. No one should ever have to know what it is like to lose a desperately wanted pregnancy, yet here was another sweet and innocent young couple that were facing just that.

I don’t see that side of my family often. I think I had been introduced to her only once and very briefly at that, but through this heartache and pain I felt a kinship with her. We gathered at our grandparents house on Christmas day, me fresh out of surgery for yet another loss, when they walked in. I stood up and embraced her. We both got teary and asked if the other was okay. I spent the majority of the visit speaking with her.

And it was amazing.

Somehow the topic of blogs got brought up (not by me) so I mentioned that I could send her a few links to those who have gone through similar losses. I also did something I have never done before, I gave her my blog address. The only other person in real life who I have allowed to read this blog is J. But I just wanted her to know that even though our journeys are very different, I get it. I understand the pain and so do many others.

The thing is, it was healing for me to connect to another person that way. I have experienced this before whenever I meet up with Tutti (who is pretty much my favorite person ever if you haven’t noticed). To be able to converse with someone face to face in such an honest and real manner, without fear of misunderstanding or judgement is liberating. To be able to express fears, frustrations, and anger.

This next year is going to be an interesting one. This time last year I remember feeling so much hope. I had just gotten my first un-medicated period since we had started trying, it was the Year of the Dragon, and I was sure it was a turning point. Little did I know. Sometimes I wish I could jump back to that more innocent me. The one who didn’t have any losses following her around. The one who was sure that once she got pregnant it would stick.

All bets are off now. The decisions we now have to face are critical. They will forever change our future and who I am. I wish I could say I had a lot of hope. Some days I do…but then something happens. A comment, or a memory, they creep up on me and psych me out. They make me feel like I am forever destined to be…this. Stagnant.

But I hold on to that connection. Knowing that I am not alone in my grief or fear. And hopefully my words were a comfort to her as well. I am not sure if she will ever read this or not. I hope this sweet girl finds a way to get through the difficult road ahead. I can hope very well for others, I’ve become very good at that. It is easier to hope for others than yourself, especially when so many times your world has come crashing down.

Tonight I remember this year. A year that has left not only me, but many others, scarred beyond recognition. This year has forever changed many of our lives. I can’t help but think of all those that had their hopes and dreams taken away this year. Tonight I’m sending all you, anyone who has experienced loss this year a big hug. Tomorrow starts a new day, and we are all still here to face it.

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13 Comments

Filed under Depression, Healing, Infertility, It's not always about me, Miscarriage, RPL

13 responses to “Connection

  1. That’s so nice that you were able to make a connection with your cousin’s wife, though the circumstances for that are so sad. I have a couple IRL friends who I have bonded with only since my loss and there is nothing like that sort of kinship. I’m wishing you a different sort of year for 2013, Trisha — something bigger and better and grander than anything you can even imagine.

  2. Beautiful post x a hug sent right back!

  3. M

    Big hugs and best wishes for 2013!

  4. I’m so happy to hear that you were able to connect with your cousin. In moments like these. knowing that you are not alone in your struggle can make all the difference. That’s one of the major benefits of sharing our stories.

    Here’s to 2013 and hoping that this is a more peaceful and joyous year. May it be our year of hope.

  5. beautiful post…..best wishes for you in 2013!!

  6. Having that time with your cousin allowed for both of you to heal. And having you as a thoughtful supporter- is bound to help your cousin through her grief. And vice versa.

    There has been a lot of loss and pain this year. I will forever think of 2012 as a vicious, fiery beast of a year. Our skin is now thick and we have learned some important tactical fighting moves. And just maybe, we are stronger for it. Dare I say, we’ve slain the dragon? May our 2013 be full of peace, healing, and love.

    P.S. You are pretty much one of my favorite people too- but you already knew that 🙂

  7. As much as we don’t wish infertility or loss on anyone else, having that connection to someone outside of the blogisphere makes it all a little less lonely. I hope this year brings you healing, hope, and peace.

  8. I’m so sorry to hear about your cousin’s wife, but I agree- having someone else to commiserate with face-to-face is so helpful.

    I hope 2013 is a much, much better year for you.

  9. Wonderful post! It’s so not fair that any of us have to go through this, but there is so much comfort in knowing we are not alone. Prayers continue for all in 2013!!

  10. I never thought I would join your list of people who lost big this year, here I am. Thank you for your courage, it inspires me to pick up and live my life as best I can.

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  12. I hate that you connected over your losses but I AM glad that you connected. Having people that you can turn to, who can actually give you a physical hug when you most need it, is so important.

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