I have this friend, who has been my best friend since our junior year of high school. We were extremely close when we still lived in the same state. I was there for her during the most difficult time of her life, her first husband and subsequent divorce from him. I never like the guy and even told her not to marry him only days before her wedding. But I was her friend and when she decided to go ahead with the marriage I supported her unconditionally. For 5 years I listened to her cry about him. I was there when her daughter was born and she thought that would change him. I helped her see that both her and her daughter deserved better.
She finally left him and ended up remarrying last year. When we moved out to California naturally we drifted apart, but we still tried to stay in contact through texts and calls. Every time I went home I would make an effort to see her. But ever since her wedding contact has become almost non-existent.
She knew about our struggles to conceive. She also knew about my first miscarriage. She did her best to be there for me, but she will never understand all my emotions as she conceived her daughter the first month she tried and had a stress free pregnancy. Still, she tried.
We went back home for a visit last July when I was pregnant with MB. We made plans to meet up but it was towards the end of our vacation. By that time we had told all our family and a few close friends about the pregnancy, but as we prepared to go over to her house I started feeling uneasy. That sinking pit in the bottom of my stomach was there and I couldn’t shake it. So I didn’t tell her. 2 days later I found out my precious baby had died.
I have not seen her since. After that evening there were no phone calls or texts. I know that communication and friendship is a two-way street…but I was heartbroken. What was I supposed to do? Call her up and say “Oh hey, you know that night we were over? Well I was almost 10 weeks pregnant and I didn’t tell you. But it doesn’t matter because the baby died”. I just couldn’t do it.
I waited for her to text me to check in like she usually does, but the text never came. I became more and more bitter that my best friend had NO idea what was going on.Then I lost my third. And then my forth. Finally almost 6 months had passed and I still had not spoken to her. What did break the silence was when J posted on Facebook that I had just had surgery for an ectopic pregnancy. She sent me a text asking if I was okay. We made small talk but avoided the pregnancy. She asked if she could see me while I was in town and I said yes and to let me know when she was free. We were there almost 2 weeks, but she did not contact me till 2 days before I was supposed to leave. By then I already had plans with my family and had to tell her I wouldn’t be able to see her.
I could tell she was hurt, but honestly at this point I was fuming. I was so mad that she waited till the last-minute to try to get together. I was mad that she had no idea what had gone on in my life since our last meeting. I was just so mad. I sent her a message saying that I was sorry that I wouldn’t get to see her but that I was in a really dark place and a lot was going on that she didn’t know about. I thought this might open up the doors a bit, that she might ask what happened because she was my friend and she loves me. But she didn’t. Instead I got a short message saying she was sorry too and we’d have to get together next time. We haven’t spoken since.
I know I should not be angry at her. After all if she did know what was going on she would probably do whatever she could to help me. She is a wonderful person and I know she loves me. But I can’t help but feel so angry with her for not knowing. I feel like she got her happy ending with her daughter, her step-son and her new husband. I’m just waiting for the day she announces she is pregnant. So now she doesn’t need me as a shoulder to cry on. Meanwhile I’m going through hell…and she is clueless.
Again, I know this not her fault. Even as I type this I know this reads a lot worse than it really is. We are grown women and both have very busy lives. It is natural to grow apart, especially when you live states away from one another.
So how do I let go of this anger?
I don’t feel like I’ll ever be able to just call her up and tell her what has been going on. I’m not sure why because I’ll tell anyone my history even if they don’t want to hear it, but with her it feels like admitting something shameful and weak. I just can’t do it. But I also know that as long as she doesn’t know, I’ll never be able to pretend like our friendship is everything it used to be.
I’ve never had a lot of close friends. Now I feel like the one who has always been the one to stick around is moving on and leaving me in the shadows. Just like everyone else.