Monthly Archives: January 2013

Misdirected Anger

I have this friend, who has been my best friend since our junior year of high school. We were extremely close when we still lived in the same state. I was there for her during the most difficult time of her life, her first husband and subsequent divorce from him. I never like the guy and even told her not to marry him only days before her wedding. But I was her friend and when she decided to go ahead with the marriage I supported her unconditionally. For 5 years I listened to her cry about him. I was there when her daughter was born and she thought that would change him. I helped her see that both her and her daughter deserved better.

She finally left him and ended up remarrying last year. When we moved out to California naturally we drifted apart, but we still tried to stay in contact through texts and calls. Every time I went home I would make an effort to see her. But ever since her wedding contact has become almost non-existent.

She knew about our struggles to conceive. She also knew about my first miscarriage. She did her best to be there for me, but she will never understand all my emotions as she conceived her daughter the first month she tried and had a stress free pregnancy. Still, she tried.

We went back home for a visit last July when I was pregnant with MB. We made plans to meet up but it was towards the end of our vacation. By that time we had told all our family and a few close friends about the pregnancy, but as we prepared to go over to her house I started feeling uneasy. That sinking pit in the bottom of my stomach was there and I couldn’t shake it. So I didn’t tell her. 2 days later I found out my precious baby had died.

I have not seen her since. After that evening there were no phone calls or texts. I know that communication and friendship is a two-way street…but I was heartbroken. What was I supposed to do? Call her up and say “Oh hey, you know that night we were over? Well I was almost 10 weeks pregnant and I didn’t tell you. But it doesn’t matter because the baby died”. I just couldn’t do it.

I waited for her to text me to check in like she usually does, but the text never came. I became more and more bitter that my best friend had NO idea what was going on.Then I lost my third. And then my forth. Finally almost 6 months had passed and I still had not spoken to her. What did break the silence was when J posted on Facebook that I had just had surgery for an ectopic pregnancy. She sent me a text asking if I was okay. We made small talk but avoided the pregnancy. She asked if she could see me while I was in town and I said  yes and to let me know when she was free. We were there almost 2 weeks, but she did not contact me till 2 days before I was supposed to leave. By then I already had plans with my family and had to tell her I wouldn’t be able to see her.

I could tell she was hurt, but honestly at this point I was fuming. I was so mad that she waited till the last-minute to try to get together. I was mad that she had no idea what had gone on in my life since our last meeting. I was just so mad. I sent her a message saying that I was sorry that I wouldn’t get to see her but that I was in a really dark place and a lot was going on that she didn’t know about. I thought this might open up the doors a bit, that she might ask what happened because she was my friend and she loves me. But she didn’t. Instead I got a short message saying she was sorry too and we’d have to get together next time. We haven’t spoken since.

I know I should not be angry at her. After all if she did know what was going on she would probably do whatever she could to help me. She is a wonderful person and I know she loves me. But I can’t help but feel so angry with her for not knowing. I feel like she got her happy ending with her daughter, her step-son and her new husband. I’m just waiting for the day she announces she is pregnant. So now she doesn’t need me as a shoulder to cry on. Meanwhile I’m going through hell…and she is clueless.

Again, I know this not her fault. Even as I type this I know this reads a lot worse than it really is. We are grown women and both have very busy lives. It is natural to grow apart, especially when you live states away from one another.

So how do I let go of this anger?

I don’t feel like I’ll ever be able to just call her up and tell her what has been going on. I’m not sure why because I’ll tell anyone my history even if they don’t want to hear it, but with her it feels like admitting something shameful and weak. I just can’t do it.  But I also know that as long as she doesn’t know, I’ll never be able to pretend like our friendship is everything it used to be.

I’ve never had a lot of close friends. Now I feel like the one who has always been the one to stick around is moving on and leaving me in the shadows. Just like everyone else.

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Filed under Depression, Infertility, Miscarriage, RPL

Damaged

Pregnancy used to be something I dreamed about, both figuratively and literally. In my night dreams I’d wake up feeling sad and helpless because of how badly I wanted the dreams to be real. My day dreams would consist of telling people I was pregnant, imagining the sensation of feeling a baby moving inside of me, and how I would look with a swollen belly.

These days the pregnancy dreams are nightmares. Two nights in a row now I’ve dreamed of pregnancy. Yesterday night it was my doctor calling to tell me that they made a mistake, that the ectopic pregnancy was still there but now it had a heartbeat so I would require yet another surgery. In the dream I remember thinking “this can’t be happening to me again!”. Last night I dreamed (brace yourself this is a weird one) that I was meeting K.ate Gosling (EW!) who had just had triplets. I was so disgusted with her that I wrote on her congratulations card that I thought how horrible it was for her to go back to infertility treatments and what a bad idea it was. But I did put a p.s. that the babies were really cute.

This just embodies where I am mentally right now. Pregnancy and cycling = terrifying.

To a point this does upset me because I realize that if I do ever decide to try for another pregnancy I will never be able to enjoy it like so-called “normal” people, which makes me extremely bitter. But maybe it is for a good reason. Maybe it is so I can accept the closing of this chapter in our life and so I can look back with no regrets.

Things have been going well for us lately. The other night J commented that he was so happy to finally have me back. I don’t think I truly realized how much of myself I lost the past 2 years. In a way I will never be able to fully regain some parts of me. I have experienced things that I would never wish upon anyone and I know they will always affect me. But I missed this side of me too. The one who laughs and smiles more, the one who doesn’t avoid certain activities because of where she was in her cycle, and the one who doesn’t constantly wish she was pregnant again.

Even though these things have made me feel more like myself than I’ve felt in a long time there is still that part of me though that will never fade. The part that can’t escape the reality of the sadness that has happened to us. I’m trying to move on though. I’ve already accepted everything but I still feel raw. Maybe it is too much to expect myself to feel differently after only 5 weeks. In 5 more weeks our future could be on an entirely different path and I look forward to the challenge even if I am still a bit broken.

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Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Healing, Infertility, Living Life, marriage, Miscarriage, Moving On

Acceptance

This weekend we headed out-of-town to attend J’s best friend’s wedding. This guy was J’s best man at our wedding and is near and dear to my heart. It was so exciting to be able to be there for a moment he has been waiting for, for a very long time.

I knew this weekend would not be without its struggles though. The groom’s sister actually married another one of J’s high school friends and they recently announced that they are pregnant with their second. When we started trying she was 4 months pregnant with her first so this stings quite the bit. Not to mention I have some other issue with them, but I’m not going to get into that. Basically I just knew that having to see them all weekend was going to be very hard.

At the rehearsal dinner we ended up sitting with the groom and his family. I kid you not when I say 75% of the conversation that night was directed to pregnancy or babies. At one point his other sister even mentioned a lady she knew that had several miscarriages. The entire time I sat stoned faced at the table feeling awkward, hurt, and emotional. It took all my strength not to get up from the table, which I didn’t want to do because I have never met these people and didn’t want to cause drama or distress to our friends evening.

What really told me that I had not imagined how horrible though, was when J came up to me after the dinner and asked if I was okay. I told him I was fine, that the situation was just hard. He said “Until tonight I have never really understood how hard this is for you. I just want you to know that when we get home I support you 100%.” This meant more to me than anything in the world.

He has never not supported me, but we have had to make some decisions lately and they have been hard on him for other reasons. We’ve kinda had to take things slow, in order to make it so that he could deal. So for him to say he is 100% in was a huge weight off my shoulders.

The other thing that was hard was at the wedding we were talking to these friends who are expecting again and this time they had their  almost 2-year-old with them. I have not seen him since he was a few days old. He was sitting on top of his dad’s shoulders so I walked up just to see him. I gently tickled his hand and said hi when he reached out for me. I took him in my arms where he immediately laid his head on my shoulder and laid on me. For 10 – 15 min. He stayed that way, wide-awake, while I gently rocked back and forth and rubbed his back. This kid who didn’t know me at all came to me so willingly (he would not let J hold him) and nearly broke my heart. He is a sweet kid and I was so happy to hold him, it just made me realize all the more how ready to be a mother I am. I feel as though I am already a mother, just one without  a child.

Today before we left we stopped by to see their new house and again he reached out to me and laid his head on my shoulder. When J tried to hold him it was me he reached out for.

I want a baby. I want MY baby reaching out for me. One that I don’t have to give back. It’s time for us to get serious. Things have been up in the air since the last pregnancy, we’ve been waiting for things to settle down so we could get our lives back. That time has now arrived. Thursday I had my blood drawn and I am officially no longer pregnant. The hormones are gone even though the scars remain. Now we just have stride forward, with no hesitation and no turning back. I think we are finally ready.

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Filed under BABIES!, Betas, Healing, Infertility, Living Life, Miscarriage, Moving On, People suck, RPL

Enough is enough

In the past I have written a little here and there about my love / hate relationship with my RE. I’m a very passive person by nature and like to see and believe the best in people. He is an extremely nice guy. He has a way of making you feel incredibly secure and hopeful in his presence. He has said from day 1 that he firmly believes that I will be able to carry a pregnancy to term and he has not wavered from that opinion. I always leave his office feeling calm and optimistic.

But then I get home and I start thinking about all the things that he does not do for me. After our Clomid cycle with him failed he was pushing us to go forward with injectables. We did not feel comfortable with this and instead wanted to give Femara a try. He refused and said if Clomid didn’t work Femara wouldn’t either. Then the big cyst happened.  J has had an issue with this guy since my first surgery. Fact of the matter is I never should have been put on such a high dose of Clomid (100mg for 10 days) with the amount of cysts on my ovaries, which he did know about as he did many ultrasounds and a SHG before the Clomid. This is what caused the huge cyst and subsequently the loss of my ovary. After the surgery when I called their office to inform them that I had just had an ovary removed I spoke to the receptionist and heard nothing else from them. At that point I was frustrated, I’m not a needy patient, but I felt very abandoned by this.

However, then I found myself pregnant. Being in this community as long as I had I knew I wanted betas and early ultrasounds done, so I felt I had no other choice but the call up this office since they knew my history. I was a bit worried that they’d refuse since I had gotten pregnant naturally but I was accepted back into the fold. He was with me through all my pregnancies. He saw how broken I was after my 2nd loss. He continually tried to encourage me not to give up. He ran the normal RPL panels and informed me they all came back normal. However when the results from my D&C came back he didn’t even call me, instead he e-mailed me the report so I had to come home from work, open my e-mail and read that my baby was a healthy male. Complete breakdown. I just feel like that situation deserved a bit of respect and sensitivity.

When the first beta came back at 18 for this last pregnancy I was extremely nervous. I knew this was low, but he tried to convince me otherwise. I suspected and ectopic but I let him tell me otherwise by talking about finding it early and the first repeat doubling. When we suspected I was having another miscarriage he did perform an ultrasound to check for a gestational sac but when there was no sac he never checked my ovary or that area, if he had he would have seen a mass which was the ectopic. It wasn’t until a week later when my numbers kept rising that he finally came to the conclusion that I had had since the beginning.

The pain started when I was out-of-town. I frantically called his cell number (which he gave to me in case of circumstances like this) but he never answered. I left message after message. He told me if he didn’t answer to keep calling until he did. I called a total of 4 times (over a 45 min period) before I finally decided to call the office directly. I knew the office was closed but I also knew they had an option to be transferred to the on-call doctor. I had no way of knowing if it would be my doctor since there are others in the practice but at this point I didn’t care. We were in the car on the way to the ER when I made the call, and it was my doctor who picked up. While talking to him he asked why I didn’t call him directly. I told him I had multiple times and left messages. He said “Oh, is your area code ***?” I told him yes (it is not a California area code) and he said he doesn’t pick up numbers he doesn’t know since he gets a lot of sales calls. He said he must have forgotten to save my number in his phone. SERIOUSLY?

At this point I was in too much pain to care. That day while in the ER he kept in touch with my doctors and went ahead and agreed with them about the surgery. From there he washed his hands of me. I was told when I got back in town to follow-up with him. When I called to schedule the follow-up I was told they wouldn’t be able to see me till the middle of January. I stressed that I had just had surgery and I needed to see him but there was nothing. I asked if they had received my medical notes and was told no. I went ahead and scheduled the appointment for mid-January. I was able to get in with my OB that week so she has been doing my post-op care.

For the appointment with the RE I again called and asked them to request my medical notes from the surgery so that when I did go in I could discuss things with him. The receptionist acted very put out and like all I was doing was wasting her time. I ended up getting the medical notes from my OB to take to the appointment, but as I was doing so I realized something. My RE…he had NO idea what has been going on. The hospital never contacted him after it was decided I’d have surgery. He never received (or requested for that matter) my records so for all he knows I lost my tube. He has no idea that for the past week I’ve been at my OB’s monitoring my HCG levels because they have still not bottomed out. He has no idea that my OB almost decided to give me another dose of Methotrexate because she was worried about the levels. He has no idea that I came through that surgery intact. But most importantly, to me it feels like he doesn’t care.

Today I called and cancelled my appointment with him. They asked if I wanted to reschedule and I simply said no. I will not be that person who calls someone out because it is not who I am. If they had asked the reason I would have told the that I felt like I was not getting the care I need or deserve from the office and left it at that. If we ever decide to go back to cycling, I will find a new RE. One who I feel will give me the respect of at least acting like what happens to me matters.  I really wanted this to work with him. But I can no longer ignore what J has been telling me for a year. It’s time to be done with this office.

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Filed under Betas, Clomid, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Ectopic, Infertility, Miscarriage, PCOS, RPL, Scans

Landslide

Emotions are funny things. They rise and fall with each passing moment. One day a certain emotion can mean one thing, but the next day mean something entirely different. My emotions have admittedly been less than stable lately. They change so rapidly that I often feel like I have whiplash, yet I am powerless to them. The one that I have been struggling with is not a new one. It is an old friend, even though I am familiar with it, it has taken a new turn in my life.

Jealousy.

The green-eyed monster that lives within us all. Like I said, this is not new. Since dealing with infertility jealousy has become such a strong part of me that sometimes I can’t remember what it is like to live without it. Back a few months ago I would say that my jealousy was like a fire that raged inside me. It was strong, hot, and angry. The anger scared me. It would cause me to hate people who I had never or would never meet, simply because they had what I did not.

I didn’t like that side of jealousy. I’m not a hateful person, I’m a pacifist by nature. But when I saw a young mom walking down the mall with a swollen belly and a toddler in the stroller I actively hated them. Why did they have it all when I was left with nothing? Why did she have her babies in her arms while I only had short and painful memories of mine. Most of all why did I have to become the person that had all these horrible thoughts?

I hated who I became because of jealousy. But if you are now expecting me to say how I hated it so much that I figured out a way to rid it from my life you’re wrong. Because that awful emotion is now inside of me stronger than ever before, but it has changed. It is not longer the blinding hot rage. It is more muted, cold, and sad. Most of all sad.

Now when I see the woman in the OB’s office rubbing her pregnant belly I don’t get angry or hateful. I get hurt. Because the path that we are now on means that there is a good chance I will never experience that. I may never see my body swell and grown with a healthy child growing inside of me or get to know what it is like to feel that child moving. I may never know what it is like to go in for an ultrasound without dread and fear hanging over my head. I wish I could have these things. But I most likely won’t.

I took my love and I took it down 
I climbed a mountain and I turned around

I feel such a deep sense of loss about it. Like I am missing out on a fundamental part of being a woman. I’m mad at my body for not being able to perform the thing it was made to do. Others around me happily announce their pregnancies on Facebook at 8 weeks not realizing how incredibly LUCKY they are. Or maybe I’m just unlucky. I don’t know. I’ve also struggled with blogs as of late. When I started following blogs I found so many people in situations similar or even more advanced than mine. I fell right in the middle and felt whole when surrounded by them. But most have moved on. Most in my generation have found their way. They are parenting, about to give birth, or in their 2nd trimester.

Of course this isn’t true of everyone. There are many I admire who have been in the trenches much longer than me who are still fighting. Those people are beyond amazing in my book. Most days I have no clue how someone goes on and on down this path, because I feel so hopelessly lost. I don’t mean to sound like I am mad at or alienating anyone. I am incredibly happy for anyone who has resolved or is currently pregnant. After all, it is the same dream we have all chased, so I could never resent someone for having their dream come true? Again, I’m just jealous.

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills 
‘Till the landslide brought me down

The thing about the current jealousy though, is it is not just sadness. There is also a sense of finality and acceptance about it. So when I say that I am sad about all the things I will miss out on I am in no way trying to fight my way towards them still. I know what my path is and I know it is the right decision. I just wish I knew how to ride this change without feeling so profoundly lost.

Oh, mirror in the sky 
What is love? 
Can the child within my heart rise above? 
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? 
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

I’m taking baby steps. There is so much I have to do to prepare for this new way of life, yet whenever I have the spare time I feel as though I am walking through quicksand. I know what needs to be done but I can’t bring myself to do it. This just isn’t the way I thought it be. I shouldn’t be surprised about that though. None of us walked into this journey thinking that we’d have to go through everything we do in order to have a family. But here we all are.

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing 
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you 
But time makes you bolder 
Children get older 
I’m getting older too

I’m hoping the end is near. One way or another a resolution will happen even if it is not what I expected. But the jealousy, I’m not sure if that will ever go away.

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Filed under Depression, Healing, Infertility, Living Life, Moving On

Reality is setting in

Lately I’ve been struggling on what to write on this blog. I want to write something strong and powerful that describes the roller coaster of emotions that I’ve been facing lately, yet when I sit to write it out I often feel as though I am just repeating myself over and over.

Honestly lately I don’t know how to feel. One day I will be okay with the world and able to find joy again, but the next day rolls around and I find myself sinking back into a place of darkness and despair. I actually feel as though I have regressed a bit since coming home. It was easy to be positive and optimistic when around my family. Partly because of the need to put on my mask, but also because I can see the hope in their eyes.

Going back to reality is a different story though. Now that I am headed back to work on Monday I feel as though my world is shaken and confused. I know what I need to do, yet I can’t seem to bring myself to do it. I know I’m depressed…and I haven’t been very good about taking my medication. Big mistake, I know. I also just feel like I am closing the book on a chapter of my life and that the chapter ended nothing like it was supposed to.

I don’t doubt the decisions we have made. I just wish they had been made under different circumstances.

A new year means new resolutions for most. I remember thinking last year that there was no way I’d be entering 2013 without a baby or pregnancy. I’d like to think the same thought going into this year, but it scares me. What if I am wrong yet again? And if I am wrong will I be able to cope?

The broken record has now been played.

In the meantime all I can do is try to gain the courage to finally move on. This is much easier said than done. I did complete the first step though. Yesterday when I went to my OBGYN for my 2 week post-op appointment I requested a prescription for birth control. Me. The girl who vehemently refused to take birth control when recommended, convinced it would screw up her cycles yet again. But I did it. I may have started sobbing while requesting it, but that is neither here nor there, at least I did it.

The wind is shifting for us. Everything has now changed, I just need to figure out if I am ready to change with it.

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Filed under Depression, Healing, Infertility, Moving On