Reality is setting in

Lately I’ve been struggling on what to write on this blog. I want to write something strong and powerful that describes the roller coaster of emotions that I’ve been facing lately, yet when I sit to write it out I often feel as though I am just repeating myself over and over.

Honestly lately I don’t know how to feel. One day I will be okay with the world and able to find joy again, but the next day rolls around and I find myself sinking back into a place of darkness and despair. I actually feel as though I have regressed a bit since coming home. It was easy to be positive and optimistic when around my family. Partly because of the need to put on my mask, but also because I can see the hope in their eyes.

Going back to reality is a different story though. Now that I am headed back to work on Monday I feel as though my world is shaken and confused. I know what I need to do, yet I can’t seem to bring myself to do it. I know I’m depressed…and I haven’t been very good about taking my medication. Big mistake, I know. I also just feel like I am closing the book on a chapter of my life and that the chapter ended nothing like it was supposed to.

I don’t doubt the decisions we have made. I just wish they had been made under different circumstances.

A new year means new resolutions for most. I remember thinking last year that there was no way I’d be entering 2013 without a baby or pregnancy. I’d like to think the same thought going into this year, but it scares me. What if I am wrong yet again? And if I am wrong will I be able to cope?

The broken record has now been played.

In the meantime all I can do is try to gain the courage to finally move on. This is much easier said than done. I did complete the first step though. Yesterday when I went to my OBGYN for my 2 week post-op appointment I requested a prescription for birth control. Me. The girl who vehemently refused to take birth control when recommended, convinced it would screw up her cycles yet again. But I did it. I may have started sobbing while requesting it, but that is neither here nor there, at least I did it.

The wind is shifting for us. Everything has now changed, I just need to figure out if I am ready to change with it.

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12 Comments

Filed under Depression, Healing, Infertility, Moving On

12 responses to “Reality is setting in

  1. Changes is indeed in the air. As much as it feels like you’re being a broken record, you’re not. Sure, it may feel like the same-old-story, but with each passing day, each decision, each moment of fear/hope, you are moving forward and getting one step closer to bringing home your child.

    I firmly believe that 2013 is the year of hope, whether finding it or fostering it. I also believe that you will find the strength to face the change that has happened, moving forward to a future that is filled with joy and laughter.

    Thinking of you and hoping this next chapter brings you everything your heart desires.

  2. With time, comes change. Allow yourself the time to be sad and to grapple with all you have faced and what is to come. It’s impossible to simply move forward when the feelings are still so raw. As we talked about, these things don’t get easier- indeed they get harder. Admitting to your fears and sadness proves just how strong you are. But there *is* light and hope for you. I see it even if you cannot.

    With my whole heart, I love you.

  3. A roller coaster is exactly what it is. I hear you about the birth control. If every time I get pregnant is a fail, I don’t want to get pregnant- but I can’t bring myself to go on birth control because it seems so counter intuitive. If things move forward with the adoption I’ll take that plunge.

  4. A roller coaster is exactly what it is. I hear you about the birth control. If every time I get pregnant is a fail, I don’t want to get pregnant- but I can’t bring myself to go on birth control because it seems so counter intuitive. If things move forward with the adoption I’ll take that plunge.

  5. FWIW – I don’t feel like you’re repeating yourself at all. HUGS

  6. Change means you’re moving forward. It may not be in the direction you saw yourself going, but it’s forward movement none the less. And it’s moving closer to bringing your baby home.

  7. My heart hurts for you and all you’ve been through this year. Please know you’re in my prayers and I hope 2013 has a lot of GOOD changes for you 🙂

  8. No matter what it looks like – expect good. Cry when you have to but stay in faith. Believe.

  9. ::hug:: Change is hard, but necessary. And its so much easier to *talk* about it than to actually *do* it. I find myself in that place, too. You are strong enough to face this and you have all of our support in whatever 2013 brings your way.

  10. I’ve never once thought you were repeating yourself. I’m here, reading and supporting you, wherever your path takes you.

  11. trish

    you took the words right out of my mouth. hugs and prayers that 2013 brings us peace and happiness

  12. Olivia west

    Wishing you are blessed with a lovely baby this year. You clearly deserve it so much and sound like you’re gonna be a great mum! Good luck xxx

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