Lately I’ve been struggling on what to write on this blog. I want to write something strong and powerful that describes the roller coaster of emotions that I’ve been facing lately, yet when I sit to write it out I often feel as though I am just repeating myself over and over.
Honestly lately I don’t know how to feel. One day I will be okay with the world and able to find joy again, but the next day rolls around and I find myself sinking back into a place of darkness and despair. I actually feel as though I have regressed a bit since coming home. It was easy to be positive and optimistic when around my family. Partly because of the need to put on my mask, but also because I can see the hope in their eyes.
Going back to reality is a different story though. Now that I am headed back to work on Monday I feel as though my world is shaken and confused. I know what I need to do, yet I can’t seem to bring myself to do it. I know I’m depressed…and I haven’t been very good about taking my medication. Big mistake, I know. I also just feel like I am closing the book on a chapter of my life and that the chapter ended nothing like it was supposed to.
I don’t doubt the decisions we have made. I just wish they had been made under different circumstances.
A new year means new resolutions for most. I remember thinking last year that there was no way I’d be entering 2013 without a baby or pregnancy. I’d like to think the same thought going into this year, but it scares me. What if I am wrong yet again? And if I am wrong will I be able to cope?
The broken record has now been played.
In the meantime all I can do is try to gain the courage to finally move on. This is much easier said than done. I did complete the first step though. Yesterday when I went to my OBGYN for my 2 week post-op appointment I requested a prescription for birth control. Me. The girl who vehemently refused to take birth control when recommended, convinced it would screw up her cycles yet again. But I did it. I may have started sobbing while requesting it, but that is neither here nor there, at least I did it.
The wind is shifting for us. Everything has now changed, I just need to figure out if I am ready to change with it.