Emotions are funny things. They rise and fall with each passing moment. One day a certain emotion can mean one thing, but the next day mean something entirely different. My emotions have admittedly been less than stable lately. They change so rapidly that I often feel like I have whiplash, yet I am powerless to them. The one that I have been struggling with is not a new one. It is an old friend, even though I am familiar with it, it has taken a new turn in my life.
The green-eyed monster that lives within us all. Like I said, this is not new. Since dealing with infertility jealousy has become such a strong part of me that sometimes I can’t remember what it is like to live without it. Back a few months ago I would say that my jealousy was like a fire that raged inside me. It was strong, hot, and angry. The anger scared me. It would cause me to hate people who I had never or would never meet, simply because they had what I did not.
I didn’t like that side of jealousy. I’m not a hateful person, I’m a pacifist by nature. But when I saw a young mom walking down the mall with a swollen belly and a toddler in the stroller I actively hated them. Why did they have it all when I was left with nothing? Why did she have her babies in her arms while I only had short and painful memories of mine. Most of all why did I have to become the person that had all these horrible thoughts?
I hated who I became because of jealousy. But if you are now expecting me to say how I hated it so much that I figured out a way to rid it from my life you’re wrong. Because that awful emotion is now inside of me stronger than ever before, but it has changed. It is not longer the blinding hot rage. It is more muted, cold, and sad. Most of all sad.
Now when I see the woman in the OB’s office rubbing her pregnant belly I don’t get angry or hateful. I get hurt. Because the path that we are now on means that there is a good chance I will never experience that. I may never see my body swell and grown with a healthy child growing inside of me or get to know what it is like to feel that child moving. I may never know what it is like to go in for an ultrasound without dread and fear hanging over my head. I wish I could have these things. But I most likely won’t.
I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
I feel such a deep sense of loss about it. Like I am missing out on a fundamental part of being a woman. I’m mad at my body for not being able to perform the thing it was made to do. Others around me happily announce their pregnancies on Facebook at 8 weeks not realizing how incredibly LUCKY they are. Or maybe I’m just unlucky. I don’t know. I’ve also struggled with blogs as of late. When I started following blogs I found so many people in situations similar or even more advanced than mine. I fell right in the middle and felt whole when surrounded by them. But most have moved on. Most in my generation have found their way. They are parenting, about to give birth, or in their 2nd trimester.
Of course this isn’t true of everyone. There are many I admire who have been in the trenches much longer than me who are still fighting. Those people are beyond amazing in my book. Most days I have no clue how someone goes on and on down this path, because I feel so hopelessly lost. I don’t mean to sound like I am mad at or alienating anyone. I am incredibly happy for anyone who has resolved or is currently pregnant. After all, it is the same dream we have all chased, so I could never resent someone for having their dream come true? Again, I’m just jealous.
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
‘Till the landslide brought me down
The thing about the current jealousy though, is it is not just sadness. There is also a sense of finality and acceptance about it. So when I say that I am sad about all the things I will miss out on I am in no way trying to fight my way towards them still. I know what my path is and I know it is the right decision. I just wish I knew how to ride this change without feeling so profoundly lost.
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I’m taking baby steps. There is so much I have to do to prepare for this new way of life, yet whenever I have the spare time I feel as though I am walking through quicksand. I know what needs to be done but I can’t bring myself to do it. This just isn’t the way I thought it be. I shouldn’t be surprised about that though. None of us walked into this journey thinking that we’d have to go through everything we do in order to have a family. But here we all are.
Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I’m getting older too
I’m hoping the end is near. One way or another a resolution will happen even if it is not what I expected. But the jealousy, I’m not sure if that will ever go away.