Enough is enough

In the past I have written a little here and there about my love / hate relationship with my RE. I’m a very passive person by nature and like to see and believe the best in people. He is an extremely nice guy. He has a way of making you feel incredibly secure and hopeful in his presence. He has said from day 1 that he firmly believes that I will be able to carry a pregnancy to term and he has not wavered from that opinion. I always leave his office feeling calm and optimistic.

But then I get home and I start thinking about all the things that he does not do for me. After our Clomid cycle with him failed he was pushing us to go forward with injectables. We did not feel comfortable with this and instead wanted to give Femara a try. He refused and said if Clomid didn’t work Femara wouldn’t either. Then the big cyst happened.  J has had an issue with this guy since my first surgery. Fact of the matter is I never should have been put on such a high dose of Clomid (100mg for 10 days) with the amount of cysts on my ovaries, which he did know about as he did many ultrasounds and a SHG before the Clomid. This is what caused the huge cyst and subsequently the loss of my ovary. After the surgery when I called their office to inform them that I had just had an ovary removed I spoke to the receptionist and heard nothing else from them. At that point I was frustrated, I’m not a needy patient, but I felt very abandoned by this.

However, then I found myself pregnant. Being in this community as long as I had I knew I wanted betas and early ultrasounds done, so I felt I had no other choice but the call up this office since they knew my history. I was a bit worried that they’d refuse since I had gotten pregnant naturally but I was accepted back into the fold. He was with me through all my pregnancies. He saw how broken I was after my 2nd loss. He continually tried to encourage me not to give up. He ran the normal RPL panels and informed me they all came back normal. However when the results from my D&C came back he didn’t even call me, instead he e-mailed me the report so I had to come home from work, open my e-mail and read that my baby was a healthy male. Complete breakdown. I just feel like that situation deserved a bit of respect and sensitivity.

When the first beta came back at 18 for this last pregnancy I was extremely nervous. I knew this was low, but he tried to convince me otherwise. I suspected and ectopic but I let him tell me otherwise by talking about finding it early and the first repeat doubling. When we suspected I was having another miscarriage he did perform an ultrasound to check for a gestational sac but when there was no sac he never checked my ovary or that area, if he had he would have seen a mass which was the ectopic. It wasn’t until a week later when my numbers kept rising that he finally came to the conclusion that I had had since the beginning.

The pain started when I was out-of-town. I frantically called his cell number (which he gave to me in case of circumstances like this) but he never answered. I left message after message. He told me if he didn’t answer to keep calling until he did. I called a total of 4 times (over a 45 min period) before I finally decided to call the office directly. I knew the office was closed but I also knew they had an option to be transferred to the on-call doctor. I had no way of knowing if it would be my doctor since there are others in the practice but at this point I didn’t care. We were in the car on the way to the ER when I made the call, and it was my doctor who picked up. While talking to him he asked why I didn’t call him directly. I told him I had multiple times and left messages. He said “Oh, is your area code ***?” I told him yes (it is not a California area code) and he said he doesn’t pick up numbers he doesn’t know since he gets a lot of sales calls. He said he must have forgotten to save my number in his phone. SERIOUSLY?

At this point I was in too much pain to care. That day while in the ER he kept in touch with my doctors and went ahead and agreed with them about the surgery. From there he washed his hands of me. I was told when I got back in town to follow-up with him. When I called to schedule the follow-up I was told they wouldn’t be able to see me till the middle of January. I stressed that I had just had surgery and I needed to see him but there was nothing. I asked if they had received my medical notes and was told no. I went ahead and scheduled the appointment for mid-January. I was able to get in with my OB that week so she has been doing my post-op care.

For the appointment with the RE I again called and asked them to request my medical notes from the surgery so that when I did go in I could discuss things with him. The receptionist acted very put out and like all I was doing was wasting her time. I ended up getting the medical notes from my OB to take to the appointment, but as I was doing so I realized something. My RE…he had NO idea what has been going on. The hospital never contacted him after it was decided I’d have surgery. He never received (or requested for that matter) my records so for all he knows I lost my tube. He has no idea that for the past week I’ve been at my OB’s monitoring my HCG levels because they have still not bottomed out. He has no idea that my OB almost decided to give me another dose of Methotrexate because she was worried about the levels. He has no idea that I came through that surgery intact. But most importantly, to me it feels like he doesn’t care.

Today I called and cancelled my appointment with him. They asked if I wanted to reschedule and I simply said no. I will not be that person who calls someone out because it is not who I am. If they had asked the reason I would have told the that I felt like I was not getting the care I need or deserve from the office and left it at that. If we ever decide to go back to cycling, I will find a new RE. One who I feel will give me the respect of at least acting like what happens to me matters.  I really wanted this to work with him. But I can no longer ignore what J has been telling me for a year. It’s time to be done with this office.




Filed under Betas, Clomid, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Ectopic, Infertility, Miscarriage, PCOS, RPL, Scans

28 responses to “Enough is enough

  1. Good. For. You.

    This sounds like the best decision you could make for yourself right now.

  2. Trisha, I am beyond pissed to be reading this. This man, let alone his staff, have no business practicing medicine. Mainly because the violated the hypocratic oath: do no harm. His negligence and greed has caused you so much pain. And for that, I hope justice finds him and ends his ability to harm anyone else.

    I am so sorry, my friend. I knew you had had some problems with this guy, but didn’t know to what extent. I think the decision to no longer see him is wise (though stay in contact with you OB for now). Still, this sucks. And I’m so sorry. You deserve do much better.

    • I’m definitely keeping in close contact with my OB. I briefly explained the situation to her and she is happy to take over my care. I had my *hopefully* final blood draw today. If it is down to zero I will finally be able to say this whole mess and chapter of my life is over.

  3. Good for you. it feels good to leave a doctor that is not really invested in you. I am so sorry you have endured all this. You should be in very caring hands. I left my doctor three years ago, and it was the best decision I ever made!!! You will find someone that has your best interests at heart. Good luck!!!!

  4. Good for you for making the decision to leave. I hope it works out for the best for you. I’ve been thinking about you and hope you’re doing okay. xo

  5. It must have been a hard decision given all you’ve been thru with this doctor and his practice. But after hearing the recap of how you have been treated, I believe you are making the right choice to leave. You do deserve so much more, and if/when you are ready, I so hope you get it!
    I’m not the confrontational type either, but part of me wants to give that doc an earful. Ugh- I hope he figures out why you left and feels sufficiently bad about it.

    • Part of me hopes that he notices too, but he most likely won’t. I’m pretty much assuming that I won’t hear from any of them again after I request my records. Oh well. Maybe in another life I would cause of fuss but I mostly just want to wash my hands of the situation.

  6. Yes! You are so strong and courageous for knowing when enough is enough and for being able to walk away from someone you have such a history with. Good for you for taking care of yourself first!

  7. Jen

    You are absolutely doing the right thing by walking away. It’s hard to find an RE who is a good match for you and who will take an active interest in your particular case. So often they get hung up on numbers and success rates and cramming in as many patients as possible, they forget that we are people. People who are going through some of the most difficult times of our lives. Good for you by washing your hands of this practice!

    • I actually tried to joke with him after my 3rd loss about ruining his success rates, he didn’t even crack a smile. Obviously I struck a nerve. Well sorry my uterus sucks dude, it doesn’t exactly please me either!

  8. Awaiting Miracles

    Trisha- I have been following your blog for quite some time now, and every time I read a new post a piece of me breaks for you. I can relate to a lot of the pain and hurt you feel, but when I read this post I just crumbled. I had two REs that I put a lot of trust in. Both were highly recommended to my husband and I, both had awesome ratings and reviews, but both ended up causing us more hurt than anything. They played games with our heads, they ran us in circles, they always made us go the most expensive route, and we always ended up babyless. I had enough and in my mind all REs were evil, money hungry people. While doing my research I read that REs gain the trust of their patients and they don’t give them the treatment they need for success because they know that their patients will keep coming back and spend the money for expensive treatments. Another book I read tells you what to look for in a good RE and the #1 on that list was- they will never ask for any money up front! I hate to think I fell into this trap twice but I know I did! When I found the right RE he was shocked at what I had been through. He told me what the previous REs did was all wrong and for my age (24 at the time) I should have never been on such high doses of injectables. Also, at our very first meeting he said “Don’t worry about money. My job isn’t to take your money it’s to help you have a baby.” I fell in love with him right there and he has been nothing but true.

    • Sounds like you found an awesome Dr.! I’m always weary when RE’s charge a insanely high consultation fee. I know we are taking time out of their schedule but $200 to sit down with someone for an hour when I’m not even sure if they can help us? Ridiculous! Something I will definitely keep in mind for the future. I’m glad you found one of the good ones.

  9. Wow, just… wow. Good for you!

  10. Manuella

    You need to ask for all your medical records from the office. They’ll ask why and then you can let them know how horrible their services have been.

    • I plan on requesting them, I just feel like I need time to cool down first. Last thing I want to do is take out my anger on a poor receptionist (being a receptionist myself) so I want to make sure I have my head on straight first, just in case.

  11. Wow. What a load of crap. Good for you for getting out of there.

  12. Amy

    I’m so sorry for your treatment here. I can understand your desire to just be done and if that’s what’s best for you, then do it. When I left my first RE, I wrote her a 2 page letter detailing exactly why I was leaving and what bothered me. I also wrote about the things I appreciated. It was very cathartic for me. I wasn’t expecting a response, but she called and we talked about it an I ended up feeling better. I still left and found a new practice, but I felt I provided them valuable insight to improve situations for future patients (maybe) and if not, it made me feel better to wrap it up. I know you said that you aren’t the kind of person to call someone out, but just wanted to share my perspective.

    • I appreciate your perspective very much! It would be good to bring to light some issues that could help others in the future, I am just so un-confrontational that I get scared to do something like that. Maybe I should just put on my big girl panties and get over it though.

  13. I’m a pretty introverted / passive person myself but after having been told for many years that my painful cycles were normal and after having many missed opportunities of an endometriosis diagnosis – a severe case of it, I decided not to keep quiet about my unsatisfactory health care any more. What works for me, since I’m not a confrontational person, is to write a letter to the doctor(s) stating why I will not be returning for any future appointments. I have received apology phone calls and letters, and even refunds from my office visits. It’s not exactly what I was looking for, but it was better than nothing; my main objective was to point out the doctor’s shortcomings to enact change so other patients wouldn’t have to experience what I went through.

    • Wow I can’t believe you got a refund! My husband would love that! But seriously, I know I should try to help them understand so no one else should go through what I did. I’m just being chicken.

  14. it’s so important to feel comfortable with your RE and i am so sorry you had such a bad experience. I hope the next clinic and RE is a better fit for you.

  15. I think you made the right decision. It’s so important to feel safe with your doctor!

  16. You are right! Enough is enough here! I can tell by what you write that your doctor had a lot of good qualities but you deserve to have someone that is 100% invested in you through the good times and bad. I hope you are able to find a new doctor who is perfect for you.

  17. Totally Trisha, J is right on. Am sorry you had to go through so much pain with this doctor, but yes, he is not good. Either he is way too loaded with patients or he is not knowledgeable enough. Time to move on. Hoping your next RE whoever and whenever it is , is good.

  18. It sounds like you did the best thing for you. I hope, moving forward, you get the care you need and deserve.

  19. Trish

    I had to do same thing with my RE found a new one that I will be seeing if need be

  20. Good for you for making this decision! Changing is frequently so much harder than just staying (an object at rest tends to stay at rest, after all), but I am glad that you decided to make the move away from this RE. I know we all talk about how hope, optimism, confidence, etc. don’t actually change the outcome of anything, but that doesn’t mean they don’t matter. And if you’d lost the confidence and, more importantly, the feeling of support from your doctor, then it is 100% the right move to make. Whatever decision you make in the future regarding new doctors, I hope that the medical professionals you encounter are what they need to be.

  21. What an idiot that doctor is. Also, I am sure you know he’s wrong about the Clomid vs. Femara thing, but I got pregnant on Femara after four rounds of clomid failed to help me conceive.

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