Acceptance

This weekend we headed out-of-town to attend J’s best friend’s wedding. This guy was J’s best man at our wedding and is near and dear to my heart. It was so exciting to be able to be there for a moment he has been waiting for, for a very long time.

I knew this weekend would not be without its struggles though. The groom’s sister actually married another one of J’s high school friends and they recently announced that they are pregnant with their second. When we started trying she was 4 months pregnant with her first so this stings quite the bit. Not to mention I have some other issue with them, but I’m not going to get into that. Basically I just knew that having to see them all weekend was going to be very hard.

At the rehearsal dinner we ended up sitting with the groom and his family. I kid you not when I say 75% of the conversation that night was directed to pregnancy or babies. At one point his other sister even mentioned a lady she knew that had several miscarriages. The entire time I sat stoned faced at the table feeling awkward, hurt, and emotional. It took all my strength not to get up from the table, which I didn’t want to do because I have never met these people and didn’t want to cause drama or distress to our friends evening.

What really told me that I had not imagined how horrible though, was when J came up to me after the dinner and asked if I was okay. I told him I was fine, that the situation was just hard. He said “Until tonight I have never really understood how hard this is for you. I just want you to know that when we get home I support you 100%.” This meant more to me than anything in the world.

He has never not supported me, but we have had to make some decisions lately and they have been hard on him for other reasons. We’ve kinda had to take things slow, in order to make it so that he could deal. So for him to say he is 100% in was a huge weight off my shoulders.

The other thing that was hard was at the wedding we were talking to these friends who are expecting again and this time they had their  almost 2-year-old with them. I have not seen him since he was a few days old. He was sitting on top of his dad’s shoulders so I walked up just to see him. I gently tickled his hand and said hi when he reached out for me. I took him in my arms where he immediately laid his head on my shoulder and laid on me. For 10 – 15 min. He stayed that way, wide-awake, while I gently rocked back and forth and rubbed his back. This kid who didn’t know me at all came to me so willingly (he would not let J hold him) and nearly broke my heart. He is a sweet kid and I was so happy to hold him, it just made me realize all the more how ready to be a mother I am. I feel as though I am already a mother, just one without  a child.

Today before we left we stopped by to see their new house and again he reached out to me and laid his head on my shoulder. When J tried to hold him it was me he reached out for.

I want a baby. I want MY baby reaching out for me. One that I don’t have to give back. It’s time for us to get serious. Things have been up in the air since the last pregnancy, we’ve been waiting for things to settle down so we could get our lives back. That time has now arrived. Thursday I had my blood drawn and I am officially no longer pregnant. The hormones are gone even though the scars remain. Now we just have stride forward, with no hesitation and no turning back. I think we are finally ready.

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11 Comments

Filed under BABIES!, Betas, Healing, Infertility, Living Life, Miscarriage, Moving On, People suck, RPL

11 responses to “Acceptance

  1. A

    Oh hon. It’s so hard to have to hear other people’s pregnancy talk. I find it very isolating. Sounds like you handled things very well though.
    I wish you two all the luck in the world as you begging your next steps 🙂

  2. Pregnancy talk is the worst, and it seems like it always hits when you’re feeling the worst. Fingers and toes crossed for you as you move forward.

  3. I’m so sorry you had to listen to that women blab about another women’s miscarriage. People can be so cruel, and just don’t understand that it’s something that is private. Shame on her. It sounds like you handled it like a champ.

    I know that feeling of having your husband 100% invested and on your side, once that happens it is a huge wieght lifted. I so happy to hear he has relieved you of some stress.

    So glad to hear you are wanting to move forward. It’s sound like you are so ready, and are sooooook overdue!!! You are going to be such an amazing mother!!!

  4. You ARE a mother, Trisha, even though you’ve never gotten to hold your babies in your arms. But one day you will. I know one day you will.

  5. I’m proud of you. You did a very hard thing and selflessly put others ahead of yourself. That is the definition of a hero.

    I’m taking the 2 yr old actions as a sign. Your child is out there. I truly believe it. It’s just a matter of time now (no more if) before you are holding him or her.

    Can’t wait to hear what you guys are working on. And sending lots of love.

  6. It sounds like a hard weekend, but you handled it with grace. That’s not an easy thing to do sometimes. I’m happy for you and J that you’re on the same page and ready to move forward, another step closer to holding your own baby in your arms.

  7. I can feel how difficult the weekend was for you. But I read so much hope in your words. I know it will be your child with his head on your shoulder one day.

  8. I want to poke those people with my fork for talking about miscarriages at the wedding. At the very least, it’s not appropriate dinner conversation and at the worst- it’s not theirs to talk about.

    “The hormones are gone even though the scars remain. Now we just have stride forward, with no hesitation and no turning back.” Beautifully written and the definition of what it feels like to be on the path you are- full of pain and strength. I admire you in ways that I’m not able to put into words. Your baby is out there Trisha- and I CAN’T WAIT to meet him/her.

  9. Oh God pregnancy talk 😛 I’m glad to hear you survived the weekend and are now ready to move forward with the next step. You are and are going to be a GREAT mom 🙂

  10. Wow. It sounds like a really trying time, but I am glad that you made it through relatively okay. And what a wonderful moment for your husband to have this realization. They truly do not experience this whole journey in the same way that we do, and it is only in a rare moment that they finally SEE the whole picture.

    Seeing the bloodwork numbers finally bottom out is surely bittersweet. It’s over. But what is an end will also be a beginning. I love your last line. You’re ready.

  11. Your post gave me goosebumps all the way through. Especially the part about your hubby coming to the realization of how hard this really is for you and how he vocalized his support. I know I feel my husband’s support all the time, but it’s just different hearing it – somehow more impactful, somehow more wonderful – confirming out loud that he is by my side. XO

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