Damaged

Pregnancy used to be something I dreamed about, both figuratively and literally. In my night dreams I’d wake up feeling sad and helpless because of how badly I wanted the dreams to be real. My day dreams would consist of telling people I was pregnant, imagining the sensation of feeling a baby moving inside of me, and how I would look with a swollen belly.

These days the pregnancy dreams are nightmares. Two nights in a row now I’ve dreamed of pregnancy. Yesterday night it was my doctor calling to tell me that they made a mistake, that the ectopic pregnancy was still there but now it had a heartbeat so I would require yet another surgery. In the dream I remember thinking “this can’t be happening to me again!”. Last night I dreamed (brace yourself this is a weird one) that I was meeting K.ate Gosling (EW!) who had just had triplets. I was so disgusted with her that I wrote on her congratulations card that I thought how horrible it was for her to go back to infertility treatments and what a bad idea it was. But I did put a p.s. that the babies were really cute.

This just embodies where I am mentally right now. Pregnancy and cycling = terrifying.

To a point this does upset me because I realize that if I do ever decide to try for another pregnancy I will never be able to enjoy it like so-called “normal” people, which makes me extremely bitter. But maybe it is for a good reason. Maybe it is so I can accept the closing of this chapter in our life and so I can look back with no regrets.

Things have been going well for us lately. The other night J commented that he was so happy to finally have me back. I don’t think I truly realized how much of myself I lost the past 2 years. In a way I will never be able to fully regain some parts of me. I have experienced things that I would never wish upon anyone and I know they will always affect me. But I missed this side of me too. The one who laughs and smiles more, the one who doesn’t avoid certain activities because of where she was in her cycle, and the one who doesn’t constantly wish she was pregnant again.

Even though these things have made me feel more like myself than I’ve felt in a long time there is still that part of me though that will never fade. The part that can’t escape the reality of the sadness that has happened to us. I’m trying to move on though. I’ve already accepted everything but I still feel raw. Maybe it is too much to expect myself to feel differently after only 5 weeks. In 5 more weeks our future could be on an entirely different path and I look forward to the challenge even if I am still a bit broken.

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8 Comments

Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Healing, Infertility, Living Life, marriage, Miscarriage, Moving On

8 responses to “Damaged

  1. Such a raw post. But one that anyone who’s been on this journey for long enough can relate with.

    Even though you feel like it, you are not damaged. Yes, there’s some pretty deep wounds that will turn into some interesting scars. But those scars tell a story. And scar tissue is a hell of a lot tougher than normal tissue.

    I’m glad to hear that you are laughing and smiling more. That you are healing. May you continue to heal and those nightmares disappear very soon.

  2. I feel bitter, as well, about the chance to enjoy any future pregnancy being “stolen” from me. It will never be joyous, happy, or exciting again. Instead it will be filled with fear and dread. So much is just not fair.

  3. wowiampregnant

    Funny how there are women who feel exactly the way I do…who knew?! I think we all feel so alone going through infertility…but we don’t have to.

    I had 2 miscarriages in 2012, which means that my next (if I am lucky enough to conceive again) pregnancy will be fraught with suspicions, calculations and analyses. Isn’t that sad?

    Other ladies have the luxury of marvelling at each symptom, feeling and stage. I (we) HAVE to try and recapture that feeling, if we get the chance to.

    Here’s to a positive and fertile 2013,to us all.

  4. I have them too. I think it’s a feeling we won’t be able to shake.

  5. I am on the other side of all this now but I still feel deeply all that I struggled with. I feel for you now becuase I know what it’s like. Find peace in knowing that there is another side…you’ll get there. On the other side of my anger and hurt was gratitude. Imagine that.

  6. I feel so much validation when I read your posts. It is very reassuring to know there are other people who feel the same way I do. I know I haven’t experienced the same losses, but I feel the brokenness and the bitterness. I hope that with time and effort, we can both get to a happier place.

  7. As always, you verbalise so articulately the things I feel daily. *hugs*

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