Misdirected Anger

I have this friend, who has been my best friend since our junior year of high school. We were extremely close when we still lived in the same state. I was there for her during the most difficult time of her life, her first husband and subsequent divorce from him. I never like the guy and even told her not to marry him only days before her wedding. But I was her friend and when she decided to go ahead with the marriage I supported her unconditionally. For 5 years I listened to her cry about him. I was there when her daughter was born and she thought that would change him. I helped her see that both her and her daughter deserved better.

She finally left him and ended up remarrying last year. When we moved out to California naturally we drifted apart, but we still tried to stay in contact through texts and calls. Every time I went home I would make an effort to see her. But ever since her wedding contact has become almost non-existent.

She knew about our struggles to conceive. She also knew about my first miscarriage. She did her best to be there for me, but she will never understand all my emotions as she conceived her daughter the first month she tried and had a stress free pregnancy. Still, she tried.

We went back home for a visit last July when I was pregnant with MB. We made plans to meet up but it was towards the end of our vacation. By that time we had told all our family and a few close friends about the pregnancy, but as we prepared to go over to her house I started feeling uneasy. That sinking pit in the bottom of my stomach was there and I couldn’t shake it. So I didn’t tell her. 2 days later I found out my precious baby had died.

I have not seen her since. After that evening there were no phone calls or texts. I know that communication and friendship is a two-way street…but I was heartbroken. What was I supposed to do? Call her up and say “Oh hey, you know that night we were over? Well I was almost 10 weeks pregnant and I didn’t tell you. But it doesn’t matter because the baby died”. I just couldn’t do it.

I waited for her to text me to check in like she usually does, but the text never came. I became more and more bitter that my best friend had NO idea what was going on.Then I lost my third. And then my forth. Finally almost 6 months had passed and I still had not spoken to her. What did break the silence was when J posted on Facebook that I had just had surgery for an ectopic pregnancy. She sent me a text asking if I was okay. We made small talk but avoided the pregnancy. She asked if she could see me while I was in town and I said  yes and to let me know when she was free. We were there almost 2 weeks, but she did not contact me till 2 days before I was supposed to leave. By then I already had plans with my family and had to tell her I wouldn’t be able to see her.

I could tell she was hurt, but honestly at this point I was fuming. I was so mad that she waited till the last-minute to try to get together. I was mad that she had no idea what had gone on in my life since our last meeting. I was just so mad. I sent her a message saying that I was sorry that I wouldn’t get to see her but that I was in a really dark place and a lot was going on that she didn’t know about. I thought this might open up the doors a bit, that she might ask what happened because she was my friend and she loves me. But she didn’t. Instead I got a short message saying she was sorry too and we’d have to get together next time. We haven’t spoken since.

I know I should not be angry at her. After all if she did know what was going on she would probably do whatever she could to help me. She is a wonderful person and I know she loves me. But I can’t help but feel so angry with her for not knowing. I feel like she got her happy ending with her daughter, her step-son and her new husband. I’m just waiting for the day she announces she is pregnant. So now she doesn’t need me as a shoulder to cry on. Meanwhile I’m going through hell…and she is clueless.

Again, I know this not her fault. Even as I type this I know this reads a lot worse than it really is. We are grown women and both have very busy lives. It is natural to grow apart, especially when you live states away from one another.

So how do I let go of this anger?

I don’t feel like I’ll ever be able to just call her up and tell her what has been going on. I’m not sure why because I’ll tell anyone my history even if they don’t want to hear it, but with her it feels like admitting something shameful and weak. I just can’t do it.  But I also know that as long as she doesn’t know, I’ll never be able to pretend like our friendship is everything it used to be.

I’ve never had a lot of close friends. Now I feel like the one who has always been the one to stick around is moving on and leaving me in the shadows. Just like everyone else.

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12 Comments

Filed under Depression, Infertility, Miscarriage, RPL

12 responses to “Misdirected Anger

  1. God Trisha this is so hard. I am so sorry she is not there for you as you were for her. Like you I have never had many close friends, just a few special ones. I too have felt a lot of anger towards my best friend recently as she sails through her second pregnancy and coos over her son on Facebook whilst I plod towards IVF surrogacy some day in the distant future and struggle with depression. She knows what I am going through, yet she never just texts or calls with a ‘how are you?’
    I think all relationships have a certain ebb and flow, maybe she will see how she has let you down one day. I really hope so.

  2. I have a similar situation with an old friend and the anger is real. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to change it. It just sucks when you think someone will come through for you and they don’t.

  3. Mo

    Oh hon I had to comment because this has happened to me, more than once along this path. The true test of friendship is who sticks around when the shit hits the fan, and I’ve had plenty run away screaming. Though in this instance I’m not sure that’s the case, though I do completely get your anger. I think, if you do want closure, a phone call may be worth it. Give her your news and see if she comes back to support you. If not, at least you know…
    Sending a huge hug!

  4. I’ve been in similar situations with my BFF. There were things that I was going through and she seemed oblivious to my change in mood. I didn’t say anything because I knew she couldn’t read my mind and it was partially my fault for not opening up to her. Sure, I would have liked it if she would have just asked what was going on but I’m sure there were a million reasons why she didn’t. Not blaming her was difficult but I knew that I had a part in it too. It took some time, but now we are as close as ever. I hope you can either just open up to her and that she responds properly, or that you give yourself some time to heal and move on. XO

  5. Honestly, I don’t think your anger is misdirected. Here is a person that you loved and supported unconditionally as she when through a very difficult time. But when the tables have been turned and you’ve needed her support, she’s failed miserably. Yes, friendship requires two-way communication, but she’s ignoring the cues that something is wrong. I’m willing to bet that she’s doing what most people do when something bad happens, which is to go silent because she assumes giving you space is what is best.

    So, you have two options. One is to completely cut her out of your life. You’re going through enough and really don’t need to be dealing with the guilt. The other is to write a long, honest letter about how angry you are with her about abandoning you. Neither are easy, but I really do think that if this relationship is going to survive, you need to put yourself first and either lay it all out there or just assume that she’s not capable of giving you the love and support you need and deserve at this time.

    I’m so sorry you have to go through this. This part of infertility and loss is so very hard. But I completely agree with Mo: those who truly love you will be there in your darkest hour.

  6. REK

    You didn’t get into the details with her because you were either too overwhelmed and sad to handle it if she reacted poorly, OR because you were just not in a place where you could accept her sympathy/help. Either is totally normal and fine, so please don’t beat yourself up for that. In a situation like this, there are going to be people who want to offer support to you, and it will be too hard to accept it.

    The thing is, right now, you have two choices- you can tell her everything and see how she reacts to all of it (and go from there, obviously), or you can accept that the friendship is just not going to survive because it is too hard to lay all of this on the table for her. Either way, you might end up losing the friendship, but you won’t have to wonder anymore, and it will give you a little bit of closure on it, as opposed to feeling angry and hurt that she isn’t who you need her to be, when she has no idea who that even is. You’re only human, but this is a situation where you’re drinking poison and waiting for her to die. You’re only making it harder on yourself right now.

  7. I Would call her and speak to her.
    A) it will be clear on why she is being aloof
    B) you will get closure
    This is hurting you and its better to speak up and be done with it than let it stew and hurt you more.
    Take care.

  8. I’m amazed at how many women go through rough patches with their friends over infertility and loss. You know you friend loves you unconditionally; that’s why you expect her to be there when you need her. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always happen that way.

    I’m willing to bet she doesn’t know how to support you, possibly afraid of saying the wrong thing that might hurt you even more so she is waiting for you to make the first move. Of course it’s hard for you to make that move because you are hurting and grieving so badly.

    I’m not really sure what the solution is here, but thanks for being so open about your struggles. Just knowing that others go through similar situations with friends helps us all.

  9. I can relate to this so much. I’m in a similar situation with a friend who I used to be really close to. I think it takes a lot of courage to tell her exactly what’s been going on and then to say, “This is what I need from you,” and see if she’s capable of following through. Some people aren’t, but I hope, once you’ve laid everything out, she’ll be able to support you the way you’ve supported her in the past.

  10. Pingback: Groundhog Day | Something Out of Nothing

  11. Honeybun, this is so hard. But remember that a friendship serves a very important purpose; it makes you feel good. If this friendship no longer does that, then it’s time to end it, lady. You owe it to you to protect yourself from being hurt.

  12. Pingback: The Failure of a Friendship | Waiting to Expand

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