I’ve been struggling a bit with this space lately. Mostly because I don’t have a whole lot to update on or talk about when it comes to trying to have a baby. The past 2 years have been dedicated to trying to conceive. I lived my life in 2 week increments. First there were the 2 (sometimes 3) weeks leading up to ovulation, then of course followed the 2 week wait that we all know so well. It became my world and I scheduled everything else around these times. So now that I no longer am doing so, I feel…lost.
The way my world has shifted in such a short time has taken me aback. Even some feelings that I thought I’d always have to deal with are starting to change, which has shocked me. It used to be that whenever I saw a pregnant woman I’d immediately have anger and jealousy boil inside of me. Not that the jealously has completely gone away, but it has changed. Instead now it is almost a sense sadness and detachment, as if I have accepted wholly that I will never have those experiences.
It is so odd to me that I can now plan things far in advance, without the worry of a pregnancy or cycle getting in the way. When I started running last year I said I wanted to run a 5k, but in the back of my mind there was always the thought that I’d get pregnant before I got to that point, so I never signed up for one. But things are different now. A few weeks ago I decided I wanted to run again, and this time I really wanted to run. So one day I just did it. I didn’t let anything hold me back either. On my 2nd run after my surgery I did something I have never done in my life…I ran a whole mile without stopping. It may have taken me 13 min, but I did it. I’ve done it 4 other times since with my time gradually improving. I’m actually doing something for myself without the thought of a pregnancy or baby keeping me from achieving a goal. There is a 5k in my area in May, and I fully intend to run the whole thing.
When I look forward to this next year I have absolutely no clue where it will take me. I used to have a clear-cut plan, which was to get pregnant by whatever means possible. Now my plan is muddled up and filled with questions that may not have answers. Right now we are in a limbo. There are things that need to be decided and discussed before we start the process of building our family again. This week (ugh and it’s only Tuesday) has been an emotionally charged one. The truth is as much as I pretend that this journey has not affected my marriage, it has. Tension is high right now on both of our ends and we need to decide how far we are willing to go in order to have a baby. I hate to admit it but there are times in the back of my mind that I wonder if we will get through this unscathed. I should clarify – most of the time things are good. We have just run into somethings the past few days that have caused tension, which always makes me feel sick with worry about our future. I’m a worrier by nature and the past 2 years have done nothing to calm this trait.
So how do I continue? I don’t really know what to say on here at the moment. I still feel a deep sense of connection to this world, but at the same time I feel like right now I don’t fully belong in it. It makes me feel guilty when I read through my blog roll but don’t comment on a single post. I still read every single post. I still hope for everyone who is still trying and to all those who are currently pregnant. But I’m having a hard time relating. I’m no longer cycling and no longer have much hope that I will ever be able to post about my own pregnancy. I don’t say this to make anyone pity me – I just feel as if I owe everyone an explanation as to why I may no longer seem like the blogger I used to be.
I’m adjusting to my new way of life, but I am not ready to let go of my past. In fact I NEVER want to let go of what I have gained from this community. I think I might just need some time to find my feet again. This blog is not going away by any means…it means too much to me. I also hope that those of you who are still reading will stick with me. I don’t want to say that I won’t be posting for a while because I am not sure if that is true or not, but I know I certainly will be trying to adapt this blog to my new life. For now I hope you all can understand why I may not be as present, but know that I am still here, with all of you in my heart.
The Pain Olympics. If the ALI community was twitter this would be the trending hash-tag. This is not a new phenomenon that has come upon us, but something that is continually a struggle in our little world. This particular wave first caught my attention by Jjiffare. Since then there have been many insightful posts about the topic that is currently plaguing us.
Here is the what I perceive to be the truth though, at one point or another all of us has had the thought “Well at least you haven’t…” or “I’ve dealt with more…”. We are human. Not only are we human though, we are humans going through one of the most stressful and emotional experiences that one can go through. Every day we see others achieving what we yearn so desperately for so easily and it causes us pain. I am perfectly willing to admit there was a time that I bitterly thought “Well at least some of these woman know they can get pregnant, I’ve never even had a chemical pregnancy!”. I now look at that statement in shame, but I am flawed. At least now I can recognize how truly disturbing this thought really is.
Part of the wonderful thing about blogging online is anonymity. We can say whatever is deep in our hearts and the backlash is not “real”. I think sometimes we forget that on the other side of these posts there are actual people with actual feelings, doing the same thing we are doing…trying to find some comfort. It is easy to lash out on someone online when you don’t like something they posted. It is a way for us to let out all the bitterness and anger that we hide away from people in our real lives. I’m sure most of us have had experiences where a friend or someone you know has said something insensitive or hurtful, but most of us don’t lash out at them. Instead we fight back the tears because we are afraid of showing them how damaged we really are. But if someone in the ALI community makes the same comment we immediately light the torches and tear that person down. Maybe it is because we think they should know better. But again, we need to remember, people are flawed.
So begins the Pain Olympics. Comparing your level of pain to someone elses. I’m going to be blunt and to the point here…this is not okay. I recently had an experience with a woman also dealing with infertility that I met through mutual friends. She had a miscarriage at about the same gestation as MB. I tried to connect or give a little comfort to this person, telling her that although I am by no means even close to “over it”, the pain does start to get better. Instead this woman decided to tell me that at least I was still young and would have plenty of chances to try again, that because of her age she might never have another chance. I sat there in stunned silence, because I felt attacked. How is the loss of my child any less than hers because of my age? Point blank – it isn’t.
But I don’t hold this against her. She was hurting and taking it out on me. That is okay, I’m a big girl and can handle it. I also don’t believe that my pain is more prominent because of the number of losses I have had in comparison to someone who has never suffered a loss. Our pain is different but one is not stronger than the other. My point is we all are suffering in one way or another. Maybe it is because you’ve had multiple losses, maybe it is because you’ve never been pregnant, or maybe it is because you have no more options to have a family. There are dozens of scenarios that surround infertility and each and every one of them are awful. We are all struggling and instead of comparing our pain we should be sharing our common thread. It will not take away your pain if you call someone else out. All you are doing is bringing more darkness and negativity into your own life. If you don’t like what someone else wrote or if you feel like you can’t connect with them because their journey is different from your own, I have a simple suggestion…don’t follow them. There are thousands of blogs about IF, and you have control over what you read.
Maybe this is just the hippie side of me coming out. I just hate when I read about people posting hurtful comments to someone. It really breaks my heart. We all are apart of this community for a reason…we need a way to cope through this journey and find others to help give us strength. Through this blog I have met INCREDIBLE people. I just wish we could all realize that although our paths are different, we all have one common goal. We can all get along, I believe that. We all just need to remember that the ALI community is not just an assortment of posts, but the thoughts of real people who are only seeking acceptance.