I’ve been struggling a bit with this space lately. Mostly because I don’t have a whole lot to update on or talk about when it comes to trying to have a baby. The past 2 years have been dedicated to trying to conceive. I lived my life in 2 week increments. First there were the 2 (sometimes 3) weeks leading up to ovulation, then of course followed the 2 week wait that we all know so well. It became my world and I scheduled everything else around these times. So now that I no longer am doing so, I feel…lost.
The way my world has shifted in such a short time has taken me aback. Even some feelings that I thought I’d always have to deal with are starting to change, which has shocked me. It used to be that whenever I saw a pregnant woman I’d immediately have anger and jealousy boil inside of me. Not that the jealously has completely gone away, but it has changed. Instead now it is almost a sense sadness and detachment, as if I have accepted wholly that I will never have those experiences.
It is so odd to me that I can now plan things far in advance, without the worry of a pregnancy or cycle getting in the way. When I started running last year I said I wanted to run a 5k, but in the back of my mind there was always the thought that I’d get pregnant before I got to that point, so I never signed up for one. But things are different now. A few weeks ago I decided I wanted to run again, and this time I really wanted to run. So one day I just did it. I didn’t let anything hold me back either. On my 2nd run after my surgery I did something I have never done in my life…I ran a whole mile without stopping. It may have taken me 13 min, but I did it. I’ve done it 4 other times since with my time gradually improving. I’m actually doing something for myself without the thought of a pregnancy or baby keeping me from achieving a goal. There is a 5k in my area in May, and I fully intend to run the whole thing.
When I look forward to this next year I have absolutely no clue where it will take me. I used to have a clear-cut plan, which was to get pregnant by whatever means possible. Now my plan is muddled up and filled with questions that may not have answers. Right now we are in a limbo. There are things that need to be decided and discussed before we start the process of building our family again. This week (ugh and it’s only Tuesday) has been an emotionally charged one. The truth is as much as I pretend that this journey has not affected my marriage, it has. Tension is high right now on both of our ends and we need to decide how far we are willing to go in order to have a baby. I hate to admit it but there are times in the back of my mind that I wonder if we will get through this unscathed. I should clarify – most of the time things are good. We have just run into somethings the past few days that have caused tension, which always makes me feel sick with worry about our future. I’m a worrier by nature and the past 2 years have done nothing to calm this trait.
So how do I continue? I don’t really know what to say on here at the moment. I still feel a deep sense of connection to this world, but at the same time I feel like right now I don’t fully belong in it. It makes me feel guilty when I read through my blog roll but don’t comment on a single post. I still read every single post. I still hope for everyone who is still trying and to all those who are currently pregnant. But I’m having a hard time relating. I’m no longer cycling and no longer have much hope that I will ever be able to post about my own pregnancy. I don’t say this to make anyone pity me – I just feel as if I owe everyone an explanation as to why I may no longer seem like the blogger I used to be.
I’m adjusting to my new way of life, but I am not ready to let go of my past. In fact I NEVER want to let go of what I have gained from this community. I think I might just need some time to find my feet again. This blog is not going away by any means…it means too much to me. I also hope that those of you who are still reading will stick with me. I don’t want to say that I won’t be posting for a while because I am not sure if that is true or not, but I know I certainly will be trying to adapt this blog to my new life. For now I hope you all can understand why I may not be as present, but know that I am still here, with all of you in my heart.