Let me start by saying I am excited about our upcoming adoption. Thrilled actually. J and I are in a better place then we have been in a very, very long time. I can’t tell you how many nights J turns to me and says “Can we get the baby tonight?” or “I’m ready for our sweet baby!” Yes he calls our future baby ‘Sweet Baby’. Endearing no?
So why is it, when I am in a good place and excited, that it still feels like a punch to the stomach when someone else announces their pregnancy?
My cousin, who is 6 months younger than me and got married less than a year ago announced her pregnancy last night. To her credit, she was extremely concerned about how I found out. She actually had my mom tell me (I don’t live in the same state as her so I rarely see or talk to her) when she was around 7 weeks, and she didn’t announce on FB till 12 weeks. So I knew it was coming, I knew her due date, I knew all of this…but it still hurt.
I sent her a private message congratulating her and thanking her for letting me know before hand but the whole time I felt like I was lying. I HATE being this person. I should be happy, I mean she was my first friend in life. I can’t tell you how many sleep overs we had. During college we went to Australia together for 3 weeks, just the two of us. She waited a long time to get married and I was thrilled when she found her husband. I should be happy because the way things are going, it looks like we will be raising babies at the same time. We will be able to talk and share tips about sleep training, strollers, ect.
That part I am excited for, I guess it is just the thought that she is going to get to have an experience that I want so badly that bothers me. I have a very odd opinion about pregnancy at the moment. Honestly, it scares the shit out of me. I don’t know if I ever want to be pregnant again, too much can go wrong, too much pain can come from it. Yet, I am so envious of those who unknowingly get to have this amazing experience that I will never get to have. The ones who become pregnant and twiddle their thumbs throughout the whole thing not understanding what a miracle it is. Most of all I envy that they get to see the physical manifestation of their relationship with their partner.
That is the one thing I haven’t quite come to terms with yet. That I will never get to see that mix of me and J. That he will never get to look at his child and see himself in their little face. He could. He could with someone else, just not with me.
To clarify I am in no way ‘settling’ with an adopted child. I am already so crazy about the baby that is going to come into our home. I’ve even found myself wandering through the baby sections at stores and browsing through onesies, something I never let myself do when I was pregnant. The fact that we are bringing this child into our home feels me with so much joy. To see J excited in a way he never was during our TTC time brings me joy. This all is such a happy time for us. It is truly where I want to be.
But I’m still jealous. And I really, really wish I wasn’t.