Sucker Punched

Let me start by saying I am excited about our upcoming adoption. Thrilled actually. J and I are in a better place then we have been in a very, very long time. I can’t tell you how many nights J turns to me and says “Can we get the baby tonight?” or “I’m ready for our sweet baby!” Yes he calls our future baby ‘Sweet Baby’. Endearing no?

So why is it, when I am in a good place and excited, that it still feels like a punch to the stomach when someone else announces their pregnancy?

My cousin, who is 6 months younger than me and got married less than a year ago announced her pregnancy last night. To her credit, she was extremely concerned about how I found out. She actually had my mom tell me (I don’t live in the same state as her so I rarely see or talk to her) when she was around 7 weeks, and she didn’t announce on FB till 12 weeks. So I knew it was coming, I knew her due date, I knew all of this…but it still hurt.

I sent her a private message congratulating her and thanking her for letting me know before hand but the whole time I felt like I was lying. I HATE being this person. I should be happy, I mean she was my first friend in life. I can’t tell you how many sleep overs we had. During college we went to Australia together for 3 weeks, just the two of us. She waited a long time to get married and I was thrilled when she found her husband. I should be happy because the way things are going, it looks like we will be raising babies at the same time. We will be able to talk and share tips about sleep training, strollers, ect.

That part I am excited for, I guess it is just the thought that she is going to get to have an experience that I want so badly that bothers me. I have a very odd opinion about pregnancy at the moment. Honestly, it scares the shit out of me. I don’t know if I ever want to be pregnant again, too much can go wrong, too much pain can come from it. Yet, I am so envious of those who unknowingly get to have this amazing experience that I will never get to have. The ones who become pregnant and twiddle their thumbs throughout the whole thing not understanding what a miracle it is. Most of all I envy that they get to see the physical manifestation of their relationship with their partner.

That is the one thing I haven’t quite come to terms with yet. That I will never get to see that mix of me and J. That he will never get to look at his child and see himself in their little face. He could. He could with someone else, just not with me.

To clarify I am in no way ‘settling’ with an adopted child. I am already so crazy about the baby that is going to come into our home. I’ve even found myself wandering through the baby sections at stores and browsing through onesies, something I never let myself do when I was pregnant. The fact that we are bringing this child into our home feels me with so much joy. To see J excited in a way he never was during our TTC time brings me joy. This all is such a happy time for us. It is truly where I want to be.

But I’m still jealous. And I really, really wish I wasn’t.

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19 Comments

Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Depression, Family, Infertility, Moving On

19 responses to “Sucker Punched

  1. Sigh, I don’t think these feelings ever go away. Even at 7 months pregnant after IVF and a loss I find myself reduced to tears every time another friend or family member announces an easily achieved, or worse an unwanted, pregnancy. No matter how an infertile couple builds a family – be it via clomid, IVF or adoption, there is always an element that we have lost. Does that make sense? I like to believe that these feelings of sadness and anger do not make us bad or ungrateful, so much as make us real. I also like to believe that in time, as we hold our babies however they come to us, that the punches will subside a bit to jabs and then pokes. Until then, I think it is only healthy that we mourn what we have, in a sense, “lost” and take comfort in knowing that our arms will still be filled by the right baby, no matter how he or she comes to us. Many hugs coming at you and J from myself and Professor and I’m so excited for you to bring your “sweet baby” home soon! xoxo

  2. Been there, still there. Honestly, I don’t think the “happy for them, but still sad . . .” ever fully goes away. Infertility/loss robs us of that basic naivety that so many get to experience with pregnancy. I think Belle hit the nail on the head with the fact that we are experience “loss” with each of these announcements because no matter how we resolve, that part will forever be missing from our experience.

    Not for one second do I doubt that you and J are any less excited about expanding your family through adoption. In a way, I imagine that other mothers will be jealous that you have a partner who is so invested in your children. Just remember, healing takes time. And your “pregnancy” is the adoption process.

    Sending love and hoping that you and J are holding your sweet baby very soon.

  3. I hate that you feel this way… but I’m pretty sure I’d have these feelings sometime too if I were in your shoes. I’m hopeful that when you have that baby home in your arms, these feelings will start to decrease. Healing takes time, but someone to snuggle should help, right?

  4. Your feelings are so incredibly normal. And you put them into words so well….

  5. JJ

    Hugs to you. I just wrote a similar post about a co-worker who announced she was pregnant. This is hard…

  6. You can’t help how you feel, and I don’t blame you at all. HUGS

  7. A girlfriend of mine announced her THIRD pregnancy a few weeks ago and I felt the same way you did about your cousin. I wanted to be happy for her, I expressed happiness for her, but inside I was bruised and crying. I was surprised by my own reaction.

    I will be 32 weeks pregnant with my twin miracles on Saturday and this was the first pregnancy announcement during my own pregnancy. After nearly 9 years of TTC, I guess it will take longer to heal my wounds than I expected.

    I’m sure it will take time to heal your wounds as well; don’t feel like you have to rush to get there. *hugs*

  8. As others have said, so normal. Be gentle with yourself.

  9. your feelings are absolutely valid and its courageous of you to share them so candidly. truth – infertility brings out the ugliest kind of jealousy.- the jealousy you feel for those you truly love. I walked through many pregnancies with cherished friends and like you so said felt suckerpunched by their good news, sucker – punched by the beauty in their lives that only made my life feel small. I hear you on this one mama.
    you are doing the right thing by enjoying your pseudo pregnancy by shopping and dreaming…you deserve the experience of planning and nesting for the baby which is already yours in spirit.
    feel what you have to feel and cry when you have to cry…but remember that you really are getting closer and closer to a very sweet time. when you meet your baby you’ll feel so incredibly blessed and the sucker punches won’t sting as hard.

  10. After 7 attempted IVFs, 4 of those made it to transfers, 3 pregnancies, 2 losses, and now finally pregnant with twins, i can tell u (at least for me) the hurt will not go away while you are i the middle of this mess. Once you have your baby it will sting less and less. Time does heal your wounds. (((Hugs)))))

  11. The pain of infertility never goes away. No matter how you have your baby, hearing someone else announce their pregnancy is very painful. I don’t know if it is something we eventually get over as our families grow, or if it will always haunt us. Your feelings are real, and in my opinion you have every right to feel the way you are feeling. You have been through so much this last year. Sending you both many many hugs!!!!

  12. dawn

    I hear you! We adopted twice. Becoming a mom has lessened the pain so much. It does still sting when someone announces a pregnancy for all the reasons you stated but the sting isn’t so bad anymore for me. I will forever mourn the innocent pregnancy and birth experience but it changed shape for me. Now I only wish I could have carried and birthed my two specific children. Knowing that would have been impossible makes it a sometimes thought and not an overwhelming one. Once my first was placed into my arms my entire focus shifted. Yours will too.

  13. I totally get this. I don’t know if it ever goes away, because even if we get our long dreamed of babies, however they find us, we won’t ever be doing it with that blissfully ignorent, assured sense that everything just works out.

  14. I think your feelings are completely normal. I know I feel exactly the same and can so relate to the ‘sucker punch’ – I currently have no less than four friends expecting and one who has just popped. My fertility battle has humbled me immensely – bad things do happen to good people. And I am angry and jealous and bitter but you just have to get on with things hey? All the very best with your ‘sweet baby’

  15. Very well said and so honest. We adopted this year and I feel the same way and feel guilty about it. So thankful to be a mom, thankful to be healthy, thankful he is healthy and happy that my marriage is flourishing and we get to experience this miracle. However, still jealous I can’t get pregnant and still jealous that my friends so easily have two three or four kids and I struggle to have one. Biggest gift is to know that you found YOUR baby and you will be used in a way you never thought possible. Your baby will benefit from your “loss” and lives will be changed forever. Hardest thing to do because you benefit so much from adoption, but I truly believe it is not about us…it is all about this baby.

  16. Sunny D

    Congratulations to you two. I am excited for you guy’s and know you will see a different world soon. a lot of people have watched your frustrations and you have been a sort of sister to many of us in struggle. remember to always have a open heart and love and so much more will find its way in. enjoy it here, The beach will be a great place to raise the Kido’s. God bless.

  17. Pingback: I need to vent |

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