Monthly Archives: May 2013

Do infertility blogs have an expiration date?

This is a subject that has been on my mind a lot lately. For the most part I feel that the ALI community has generations of sorts. When we start out we find blogs that are roughly around the same part of the process that we are, or who are also starting to navigate the waters of blogging. We band together and form attachments to these people. We follow each other’s stories with hopeful hearts and understanding spirits. But along the way something starts to change…people start to resolve.

All those who struggle with infertility eventually resolve. Some will have their miracle babies, some will turn to adoption, some may even choose to live child-free. But we all do it. We find a way to move on with our lives and create a universe where our infertility no longer defines us.

So then what happens to our blogs? In all honesty I know very few blogs that have managed to resolve while still remaining true to its infertility roots. The two main things I see happen are 1) they step away from their blogs and stop writing once they resolve; or 2) they become mommy bloggers.

Let me state for the record: I do not see anything wrong with either of these options. Trust me, I can imagine how hard it would be to write about the woes of infertility while your adorable baby is sleeping soundly next to you. I also know how much joy it would be to write about that child that you worked so hard to bring into your life. Who doesn’t want to both brag about your baby and also describe the more difficult aspects of motherhood? I get that.

I also understand those who decide to walk away from their blogs once they have resolved. For those who decide to live child-free I can imagine it is because the blog would be a constant reminder of what you have had to endure. It is not easy to move on when something that big is still staring you in the face. For those who have children, you may feel as though you are no longer part of the community or that you are being insensitive to others who are still in the trenches.

I know for me personally, as a blogger who is pursuing adoption, I find myself in a difficult position in the infertility community. Because yes, I am still infertile. And yes, I am still trying to bring a baby into my home. But it is a very different path, one that I don’t see many bloggers follow.

My generation of the community has grown up. The women whose blogs I still read have all found a way to their babies. Only 1 has not become pregnant or given birth, although for now she is building a new life for herself and I couldn’t be prouder of her. I still follow every single blog. I read all the birth stories, the pregnancy fears, the sleep training, and breast-feeding dramas. I still care deeply about every single one of these women who have made such a deep impact on my life the past 2 years. I beam with joy at every safe delivery and reach of viability. Because you all deserve this happiness. More than anyone.

But I’m still here. I know I’m closer now than I have ever been, but I’m still not there. This Mother’s Day was probably one of the most difficult days of my life (other than my miscarriages of course). It was worse than MB’s due date believe it or not. Maybe because on MB’s day it was not in my face, however with Mother’s Day it was all anyone talked about. I fought tears all day long thinking how unfair it was that I didn’t get to hold my babies on that day. J was super sweet though, and brought me home some flowers. He said to me “Happy Mother’s Day. Thank you for being so good to our babies.” Which of course made me feel incredibly lucky and incredibly guilty at the same time.

But I digress. My main point is, it seems to me there comes a point for all of us where we have to make big decisions about where our blog is headed. I have felt myself already starting to pull away from this space, though it has been a unconcious decision. I haven’t meant to go so long between posts, but I feel as though there is not much for me to say. Adoption is so different from cycling. There is no constant change or revelations made. It is mostly just waiting.

I hate to jump to conclusions and say that once we have a baby in our home that I will stop blogging, because this space has been such a source of comfort and strength for me over the years, but at the same time I don’t know if I can imagine posting a lot of information about our child. Especially given how adoptions can be a little tricky to navigate in that area.

So for those of you who have resolved – How did you make the decision to either keep blogging or step away?

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Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Healing, Infertility, Living Life, Moving On, questions

The Waiting Game

I know it has been awhile since I posted. That fact that I haven’t posted anything in weeks has been looming over me, making me feel guilty. I’m not sure why I feel guilty, I’m sure none of you are holding it against me, but still I feel it.

Truth is, the adoption process is kinda boring. It is pretty much one big wait. Sure we did have our final social worker visit a few weeks ago but really it was not that exciting. We now have baby locks on all the drawers in our house which seems ironic since we have no idea when we will get a baby but you do what you got to do. Everything went well, our social worker told us she was going to approve us, now we just wait for her to write up the report. She has 45 days from the last visit which  puts us at June 12th. After that it should only be a matter of weeks till our profile is shown.

And there you have it. My exciting life.

With Mother’s Day  around the corner I’m trying my hardest to forget that I should have my baby in my arms right now. I know the baby I’m supposed to have is on its way but I still never forget the ones that are missing from my life. I think I just wish I felt like an expecting mother. With pregnancy you get this epic build up to the baby (whether good or bad) but with adoption you just get a ton of paperwork and the a bunch of waiting and uncertainty. It just doesn’t feel like I will finally be getting a baby this year. It feels like I’m going through the motions, yet again, but I will end up disappointed…again.

So when will this start feeling real for me? I’m worried that all my losses have screwed me up so badly that I am incapable of ever accepting that things can work out. J always says things like “when we get the baby…” And I do too, but in my head it feels like I’m lying when I say it. I feel broken. And I’m wondering if that will ever go away.

 

9 Comments

Filed under adoption, Depression, Home Study, Infertility