The Waiting Game

I know it has been awhile since I posted. That fact that I haven’t posted anything in weeks has been looming over me, making me feel guilty. I’m not sure why I feel guilty, I’m sure none of you are holding it against me, but still I feel it.

Truth is, the adoption process is kinda boring. It is pretty much one big wait. Sure we did have our final social worker visit a few weeks ago but really it was not that exciting. We now have baby locks on all the drawers in our house which seems ironic since we have no idea when we will get a baby but you do what you got to do. Everything went well, our social worker told us she was going to approve us, now we just wait for her to write up the report. She has 45 days from the last visit which  puts us at June 12th. After that it should only be a matter of weeks till our profile is shown.

And there you have it. My exciting life.

With Mother’s Day  around the corner I’m trying my hardest to forget that I should have my baby in my arms right now. I know the baby I’m supposed to have is on its way but I still never forget the ones that are missing from my life. I think I just wish I felt like an expecting mother. With pregnancy you get this epic build up to the baby (whether good or bad) but with adoption you just get a ton of paperwork and the a bunch of waiting and uncertainty. It just doesn’t feel like I will finally be getting a baby this year. It feels like I’m going through the motions, yet again, but I will end up disappointed…again.

So when will this start feeling real for me? I’m worried that all my losses have screwed me up so badly that I am incapable of ever accepting that things can work out. J always says things like “when we get the baby…” And I do too, but in my head it feels like I’m lying when I say it. I feel broken. And I’m wondering if that will ever go away.

 

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9 Comments

Filed under adoption, Depression, Home Study, Infertility

9 responses to “The Waiting Game

  1. When will it start feeling real? It took me a LONG time to have our adoption feel real. I think Cadet was probably about 4 months old before I stopped feeling like I was in a dream (the sleep depravation didn’t help the process at all). You’re not broken. And someday, when you have a child in your arms, it will all “click”.

  2. I feel the same exact way. It’s hard to imagine that a little one will soon be in your arms. Yes when chips fall and fall and just continue to fall it’s hard to imagine that something may go right. I’m sure an adoption process is very hard, waiting and wondering when is this going to happen? I would be a ball of stress. I hope so much that this is the summer your baby comes home to you!

  3. I think you’ve learned not to get your hopes up with all you’ve been through. I don’t think it’s strange at all, that you are still doubting the reality of having a child. I’m sure though, once you have that little one in your arms, things will suddenly click into place. xx

    My thoughts are with you often. I hope they hurry the heck up!

  4. I agree with the ladies above. After all you’ve been through, it’s hard to believe that any part of this will be real. Heck, I don’t think even when you’re holding your child it will fully feel real. I think it’s just a nasty consequence of infertility/loss. But in no way does this mean you’re broken. It’s just that you’ve learned to guard your heart.

    So, a belated congratulations on surviving the homestudy and getting a verbal green light from the social worker. I hope that she finishes her report soon so you and J can activate your profile and begin the process of being matched with a birth mother. In the meantime, know I think of you daily and hope with my whole heart that the waiting game ends very soon. I truly believe it’s all a matter of “when” now, but I want that “when” to be answered very soon.

  5. I think it will go away, but it probably not until the good thing has actually happened. This journey scars our brains into not allowing ourselves to focus too much on specific hope, to not be too optimistic. It’s a defense mechanism, I guess. I don’t think any of us will experience true relief from that “There’s no way it’s going to work out” nagging worry until we have a baby in our arms, whether we are pregnant or adopting. I hope that things continue to go smoothly for you in this process and that you don’t have to wait too much longer!

  6. Uncertainty is very stressful. No wonder you haven’t allowed yourself to feel like this is really going to happen–and soon! Do whatever you need to do right now to protect your heart and get through the waiting.

  7. You know now that we’re approved and waiting, I still feel so uncertain. I don’t know what to do next . Make an inquiry about a kid on AdoptUsKids? Wait for a phone call? Go to the Foster/Adopt social?

    I wish we both had a guru who could tell us what to do next.

    Hugs to you.

  8. You have been through so much. I can imagine that if I was in your shoes, everything would feel a bit surreal and I’d be busy protecting myself too. I have a feeling that when you do meet your child, you will start healing and naturally those barriers will come down. There’s no need for you have to feel that way now. Allow yourself to process the pain.

  9. The scars you have suffered will always be there, but I pray that time and destiny will ease your pain!

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