I know it has been awhile since I posted. That fact that I haven’t posted anything in weeks has been looming over me, making me feel guilty. I’m not sure why I feel guilty, I’m sure none of you are holding it against me, but still I feel it.
Truth is, the adoption process is kinda boring. It is pretty much one big wait. Sure we did have our final social worker visit a few weeks ago but really it was not that exciting. We now have baby locks on all the drawers in our house which seems ironic since we have no idea when we will get a baby but you do what you got to do. Everything went well, our social worker told us she was going to approve us, now we just wait for her to write up the report. She has 45 days from the last visit which puts us at June 12th. After that it should only be a matter of weeks till our profile is shown.
And there you have it. My exciting life.
With Mother’s Day around the corner I’m trying my hardest to forget that I should have my baby in my arms right now. I know the baby I’m supposed to have is on its way but I still never forget the ones that are missing from my life. I think I just wish I felt like an expecting mother. With pregnancy you get this epic build up to the baby (whether good or bad) but with adoption you just get a ton of paperwork and the a bunch of waiting and uncertainty. It just doesn’t feel like I will finally be getting a baby this year. It feels like I’m going through the motions, yet again, but I will end up disappointed…again.
So when will this start feeling real for me? I’m worried that all my losses have screwed me up so badly that I am incapable of ever accepting that things can work out. J always says things like “when we get the baby…” And I do too, but in my head it feels like I’m lying when I say it. I feel broken. And I’m wondering if that will ever go away.