Do infertility blogs have an expiration date?

This is a subject that has been on my mind a lot lately. For the most part I feel that the ALI community has generations of sorts. When we start out we find blogs that are roughly around the same part of the process that we are, or who are also starting to navigate the waters of blogging. We band together and form attachments to these people. We follow each other’s stories with hopeful hearts and understanding spirits. But along the way something starts to change…people start to resolve.

All those who struggle with infertility eventually resolve. Some will have their miracle babies, some will turn to adoption, some may even choose to live child-free. But we all do it. We find a way to move on with our lives and create a universe where our infertility no longer defines us.

So then what happens to our blogs? In all honesty I know very few blogs that have managed to resolve while still remaining true to its infertility roots. The two main things I see happen are 1) they step away from their blogs and stop writing once they resolve; or 2) they become mommy bloggers.

Let me state for the record: I do not see anything wrong with either of these options. Trust me, I can imagine how hard it would be to write about the woes of infertility while your adorable baby is sleeping soundly next to you. I also know how much joy it would be to write about that child that you worked so hard to bring into your life. Who doesn’t want to both brag about your baby and also describe the more difficult aspects of motherhood? I get that.

I also understand those who decide to walk away from their blogs once they have resolved. For those who decide to live child-free I can imagine it is because the blog would be a constant reminder of what you have had to endure. It is not easy to move on when something that big is still staring you in the face. For those who have children, you may feel as though you are no longer part of the community or that you are being insensitive to others who are still in the trenches.

I know for me personally, as a blogger who is pursuing adoption, I find myself in a difficult position in the infertility community. Because yes, I am still infertile. And yes, I am still trying to bring a baby into my home. But it is a very different path, one that I don’t see many bloggers follow.

My generation of the community has grown up. The women whose blogs I still read have all found a way to their babies. Only 1 has not become pregnant or given birth, although for now she is building a new life for herself and I couldn’t be prouder of her. I still follow every single blog. I read all the birth stories, the pregnancy fears, the sleep training, and breast-feeding dramas. I still care deeply about every single one of these women who have made such a deep impact on my life the past 2 years. I beam with joy at every safe delivery and reach of viability. Because you all deserve this happiness. More than anyone.

But I’m still here. I know I’m closer now than I have ever been, but I’m still not there. This Mother’s Day was probably one of the most difficult days of my life (other than my miscarriages of course). It was worse than MB’s due date believe it or not. Maybe because on MB’s day it was not in my face, however with Mother’s Day it was all anyone talked about. I fought tears all day long thinking how unfair it was that I didn’t get to hold my babies on that day. J was super sweet though, and brought me home some flowers. He said to me “Happy Mother’s Day. Thank you for being so good to our babies.” Which of course made me feel incredibly lucky and incredibly guilty at the same time.

But I digress. My main point is, it seems to me there comes a point for all of us where we have to make big decisions about where our blog is headed. I have felt myself already starting to pull away from this space, though it has been a unconcious decision. I haven’t meant to go so long between posts, but I feel as though there is not much for me to say. Adoption is so different from cycling. There is no constant change or revelations made. It is mostly just waiting.

I hate to jump to conclusions and say that once we have a baby in our home that I will stop blogging, because this space has been such a source of comfort and strength for me over the years, but at the same time I don’t know if I can imagine posting a lot of information about our child. Especially given how adoptions can be a little tricky to navigate in that area.

So for those of you who have resolved – How did you make the decision to either keep blogging or step away?

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11 Comments

Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Healing, Infertility, Living Life, Moving On, questions

11 responses to “Do infertility blogs have an expiration date?

  1. I don’t think there is an expiry date. Maybe the people who read your blog will come and go, but this is always your story and the pain will always be a part of who you are ane.
    A Grandmother spoke to me last year when I lost my third baby. She held my hand and told me that she also had losses and to this day she is still afraid to go to the bathroom. A Grandmother!
    I originally started my blog to journal the adoption process I had just embarked on. It naturally morphed as I realized how much pain the infertility and losses brought me and how important it was for me to share those feelings somewhere.
    I say, go with the flow!

  2. I started my blog later in my journey and ended up getting pregnant rather quickly after I started writing. But I kept writing anyway. Then I had secondary infertility to tackle and now I’m almost half way through my second pregnancy. I do wonder what will become of my space once I’m done building my family. After my daughter was born I still thought about IF and loss a lot because I wondered how my story would end. Once it does end, I’m not sure IF and loss will be big parts of my every day life and thought process anymore and I wonder how I’ll fit into this community. But I’ll keep writing, because it’s so important to me. And I guess I’ll have to see where my blog takes me. I actually published my 1000th post today and the whole thing is about how much my blog has meant to me. I doubt I’ll ever be able to give it up. I hope you don’t either. 😉

  3. 35life

    This is a phenomenal post and something I find myself thinking about from time to time. My blog started as more of a find a new career path, going back to school, juggling work and school kinda thing. I also threw in the ttc stuff but never thought it would take over my original format as much as it has. So as school was winding down and me being up to the neck in IVF bills to the point I couldn’t leave my job even if I wanted to, I wondered if I would abandon my blog as well. Then I’d wonder if the day would come that we’d finally have good news and all the bloggers I’ve associated with have long since moved on. We’d finally have an announcement and would there be crickets? I definitely think keep writing though, even if it’s not as often as you’d like or you decide to do a spin-off blog. That’s something I’m giving serious consideration to. A creative blog showcasing what I’d like to be doing in life, baby or not. It might be refreshing to have a place to go that has nothing to do about infertility, but then I could always go back to my former blog if I need to spill something ttc-related. I hope you will consider keeping at it, no matter where it takes you.

  4. I’m guilty of neglecting my blog now that I am a mother… But not because I don’t still think about our TTC journey (I thank God every day for my miracle) or identify with the ALI community anymore. I’m just tired and busy and if there’s free time, it’s for sleeping, housework, exercise, or husband time. I miss it and hope to be able to get back to writing again more regularly at some point- not sure what i’ll write about, if it’ll be IF or parenting after IF related. But I say stick with it Trisha. You are an excellent writer- so honest and eloquent- and if blogging has helped you as much as it has helped me, then keep it up! The adoption process is not easy. You deserve support around this journey, too, if you feel it would be helpful.
    As always, you are in my thoughts.

  5. Honestly, this is something I’m struggling with again too. I say again because last year, after our 3rd failed round of IVF, I didn’t know where I fit in with this community. Everyone around me was either resolving or on the road to resolution. In the meantime I was stuck firmly at the crossroads, failing to see a clear path towards resolution and afraid that I would forever be trapped to live with the acute pain caused by infertility/loss. This time around is different as that road has become more clear, but the worry is relating and being relatable to those who are still in the trenches.

    I get where you’re coming from and wish I had a clear answer. What I’m finding is that instead of focusing on writing daily and putting everything on display, what works best for me at the moment is to let the posts come when I feel the need to write. Does it mean that the content will change? Absolutely. But that doesn’t mean it will be any less valuable, especially as only 1% of couples actually use adoption as a way to expand their family.

    Do what feels best. After all, this is your space. Sending love.

  6. Well, obviously, I’m still blogging at this point, but if this baby makes it safely into the world, I will discontinue blogging shortly after the birth. That has been my plan all along, from the moment I started my blog, so it won’t feel like anything to me other than exactly what is supposed to happen. There is one other thing that I am basing my decision on, though: I just am no longer as passionate about blogging. With a baby on the way, and especially being past the first trimester, I don’t feel like I need it as much because I’m not living in constant fear, panic, worry, doubt, etc. And quite honestly, I don’t feel like my readers need me as much either.

    I’m glad you’re doing well, Trisha, but so sorry that Mother’s Day was so hard for you. I, too, wish you could have been holding your babies on that day, and all the days before and after. But I know that, somewhere, the baby that is meant to be yours is on his or her way to you and I think when it’s time for you to stop blogging, you’ll know. It just won’t feel that important to you anymore. xo

  7. I’ve been struggling with the same thing! I think we are now headed toward adoption, but I feel like most of the bloggers I met when I first started blogging have moved on too!

  8. M

    Hugs, hon. I admit that I have become a mommy blogger. It just sort of happened. I don’t know if anyone reads my blog much besides family. I keep monthly updates on my daughter now because someday I hope to share the blot with her and let her read about our journey to have her.

  9. samkersley

    I find myself with this Same problem. I know Our Paths/Stories are very different I only just started my journey a year ago. I’m in turmoil I don’t feel like writing much lately maybe because i feel numb after miscarrying recently but I’ve been making myself write. While I don’t want to write much I still find it a release. I read your posts every time you post something and I find comfort in your words. I feel like your words help me process my thoughts and remind me that there are other paths to follow should it not happen naturally for us. But I think you need to do what feels right for you. Personally I think you blog is amazing but If you feel that the your time blogging is coming to an end then that is something you should follow, follow your heart and it will be the right decision for you.

    sorry if this post doesn’t make much sense.

  10. Wow, what a great post…touches on so many things I’ve felt. I actually started my blog long before my IF journey. I’ve written on and off through early marriage, my first child, then my secondary infertility and my miscarriage and yes, now I have transitioned to a pseudo-mommy blog. I found my strength and commitment to my blog during my IF and I just don’t want to step away from the community now that my journey has resolved. Partly because I may be there again someday, but also because the community is so incredibly. Nearly all the blogs on my reader are IF sufferers or survivors so I still feel very connected to the community and I just can’t walk away at this point.

  11. celia

    My son was such an unhappy and difficult baby that I needed my blog. Thank GOD for my blog. My readers knew what was wrong with my son and were telling me while my dumb pediatrician was still telling me everything was fine. Infertility shaped and continues to shape my parenting because everything has an extra layer of guilt, like frosting on a cake. Weird things crop up, like me being so OLD because of how long it took. Like now I am pregnant and need to ask if I can take arthritis medicine. YAY. Thanks infertility! Like the giant billboard we pass as we go to the grocery store that always has an infertility advertisement on it. My son asked about it and I used it as a teaching moment. And also, it has been so valuable. I am now pregnant with our third child and having a record of my previous pregnancies, especially my difficult first pregnancy has been priceless. I don’t think it would have been as easy with some dumb journal. It is still a good resource, as I grow older, I have had two friends who had to deal with infertility and I was able to direct them to my blog, and let them go through it. I also think it is valuable as a reader who stumbles upon it to SEE, really SEE than infertility related depression can be conquered.

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