Monthly Archives: June 2013

Hi! I’m a drama queen

Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful comments on my post last night. They meant a lot.

I have officially calmed my ass down and now I feel like a huge drama queen. Last night I was feeling very emotional and vulnerable, so the whole situation seemed much worse and woe-is-me than it really is.

This morning I spoke with my adoption agency. I received 2 phone calls before 10 o’clock apologizing for the delay and with a perfectly reasonable explanation. They answered all my questions and put me back at ease with the confidence that our profile should start being shown within the next 2 weeks as long as J and I work our asses off on our scrapbook this weekend.

I also got an e-mail from our home study coordinator letting us know that the supervisor is signing off on the report tomorrow and then everything will be sent out to our agency. She verified the address that all the paperwork will be sent to so I am feeling confident that it will all be in the mail by the end of the week.

So yeah. Drama queen. Sorry about that.




Filed under adoption, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Home Study

I need to vent

I feel so helpless and frustrated at the moment. When we started our home study we were told it would take 8-10 weeks to complete. We are now 16 weeks in and still have not received the final approval. It is sitting on the home study supervisor’s desk probably just waiting for a damn signature. It has been there for over a week. How hard is this?

On top of that we are working on our adoption agency papers and we have a few questions. So I call my contact with the agency and leave a message yesterday morning. No call. I wait till 4:30 today, still haven’t received a call so I left yet another message. I seriously need around 3 minutes of their time and I can’t get a hold of them. Not to mention this is the only contact number I have to them. So I went online, and of course it is also the only number listed on their website, and sent an e-mail explaining that I need another way to contact them and how frustrating it is to not get a call back 2 days in a row.

I’m seriously fuming right now. It’s easy for them not to be in a rush because it is not their adoption, meanwhile I’m over here trying to hold myself together because everyday these things don’t get done is another day until we finally have a baby. I need this to happen guys. Everyday I have to see others around me with their children or have people ask me how the adoption is going, hurts me a little more. J even suggested tonight that if we can’t get a hold of our agency that we start looking for different ones. This makes me feel like I’m going to have a panic attack because other agencies are, at bare minimum, a year wait. This one is 5 months at the longest.

My cousin texted me the other day saying she and her husband will be in town around the 4th of July and the want to go to dinner with us. Whenever they’ve been in town in the past we’ve always gotten together with them, but this time I can’t stand the thought. She’ll be around 6 months. I feel like an awful person but I really don’t want to see that. The thought of it clenches my stomach. I haven’t responded and its been almost a week. So I’m pretty sure she knows I’m avoiding her. Again, making me feel like an awful person.

Is this ever going to end? Not to sound like a narcissistic bitch, but I feel like I’ve earned the happy ending. Haven’t I’ve gone through enough? I just want move on to the next chapter of my life.



Filed under adoption, Depression, Family, Home Study, Just my luck, People suck


This past weekend I turned 28 years old. Now before you all start throwing virtual dirty looks my way, I know that is not old. But it doesn’t change the fact that I started this journey when I was 25. If I was a “normal” person I’d probably have a 2-year-old and be thinking about a second child.

We spent my birthday in Michigan visiting J’s family. We hadn’t seen them in almost a year and a half  due to my latest foray in the operating room. It was good to spend time with them and generally just relax. Parts of it did make me sad though because we had planned to visit Michigan this summer with MB in tow. There are still times that shadows of what my life should have been pop up and take me unaware.

But on to happier things. While we were there, we stopped by the local Salvation Army. I have to say, SoCal thrift stores blow. Seriously, they are more expensive and generally don’t have much. But this one, I hit the mother-lode. I had to refrain for buying up all the cute girls clothes as I have no idea what gender our baby will be.

I did get 8 onesies though. All in excellent condition (some don’t even seem to have ever been worn) and all gender neutral. The best part? I got them all for a grand total of $4. Score!

So yes, I have started doing some *light* shopping. At first it was really scary and actually had me in mini-panic attacks. I never allowed myself to look at baby stuff so the idea of buying some sent me into a tailspin. But then I reasoned with myself. The fact is, I don’t get to do the normal pregnancy bonding thing. And I NEED to feel connected to this adoption. So the onesies have entered a small pile of clothing that I have started collecting when I’ve come across some amazing bargains. I don’t think I’ve spent more than $10 but still. I’m a work in progress. Also J got me a glider for my birthday. It is perfect and will be something that I know I will eventually make great use of.  And if for some reason it doesn’t end up in a nursery it is an awesome reading chair. Yup, I went there.

But the good news is this morning I got an e-mail from our social worker with our completed home study. I won’t lie, I teared up (while at work) when at the bottom it said she recommended us for adoption. I mean, I knew that. She told us that. But seeing it in writing was a great feeling.

This weekend I will be filling out all the paperwork for our adoption agency while our social worker’s supervisor approves the final draft of the study. The paperwork for the agency is minimal in comparison to the home study. They’ve told us it only takes a few days to get everything completed, so my goal is to start having our profile shown by the end of the month.

J and I have become obsessive baby spotters. More specifically, black baby spotters. Every time we see an African-American baby we immediately point them out to the other person. J calls them “fuzzies” and tells me how excited he is to have our own fuzzy.

I never thought 3 years later these things would be happening. But they are. My life didn’t turn out the way I expected when I was 25. But I am sure excited to see where it is headed.



Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Celebration, Family, Healing, Home Study, Living Life, Trans-racial adoption