It is known

Back in December when we discovered that my last pregnancy was ectopic there were a few thoughts that came into my mind. Most of them where along the lines of “Why me?!?!?” but one particular though was “Shit, this means I’m going to have to do the HSG test again.” Sure enough, it was something my doctor recommend a week later. Then everything blew up, I landed in emergency surgery again, and it was discovered that the reason for my ectopic was clear, my tube had formed adhesions which had caused it to become stuck to my abdominal cavity in a looped shape. My surgeon again told me I needed to have the HSG test done. She tried her best to un-adhere the tube and get it in a normal shape but because of the delicate nature of fallopian tubes she had to be very careful, therefore she didn’t know if she was completely successful or not.

But I knew I was done. I knew as soon as I saw the positive pregnancy test for the 4th time that if it didn’t turn into a take-home baby, I was finished. I was broken at that point. I couldn’t even be excited about my BFP, I was so emotionally detached from the whole thing in order to protect myself. Then of course it was found to be ectopic and I was even more sure that I was done.

Right after my surgery we immediately began pursuing adoption. We poured ourselves into pamphlets, websites, and paperwork. So why bother with the test? Who cares if my tube was looped or damaged? I had no intention on using it again so why go through it all over?

The recommended that I have it done in March. But March came and went and I didn’t do it. By this point though, it was starting to creep into my mind. The “what if” of it all. I was firm in my decision to adopt but I felt like I couldn’t fully let go of the past until I knew for sure if it would ever be possible for us to naturally conceive again.

There were 3 results the test could give us:

  1. The tube was still looped inside my body making any naturally pregnancy that would occur an ectopic pregnancy.
  2. The tube was no longer looped, but the strain from the surgery and the ectopic pregnancy caused it permanent damage making it not viable.
  3. It was fine. Normal shaped, healthy and ready to go.

I can say that my instincts were screaming at me that the answer would be number 1. I felt positive that because of the surgeons less than confident attitude towards it made me feel that she was unable to un-loop the tube. I felt SO sure about this that I started discussing with my OB a more permanent form of birth control. Mainly an IUD. I told her that I can sometimes get careless with my BC and that if more ectopic pregnancies were in my future I had no plan of ever getting pregnant again. (To be truthful in my mind there will be no pregnancy regardless of the outcome but more on that later.) Her answer was simply “We need to do the HSG test”.

I needed to close the book on this chapter of my life. I have whole-heartedly accepted that my family will be formed through adoption. I feel no resentment over this, only excitement. But I still needed to know.

So I finally set the appointment. I went in feeling sick to my stomach. My first go at the HSG was not a pleasant experience. However this time, it wasn’t as bad. That may be due to the fact that I gratuitously took pain-killers that were left over from my surgery, but I digress. Unlike the first time though, the doctor did not give me the results straight away. He told me he had to take the films and magnify them, to really get an idea of what was going on. I had a good idea what was going on, but I thanked him and left.

Tonight I got a call from my OB with the results. My tube…is perfect. It is not looped, it is not damage, and I am in shock. I am still at a higher risk for and ectopic than most as I have already had one, but still…if I wanted to I could try again.

Right now, we don’t want to. Our adoption process is moving along beautifully and we have no desire to change our course. But guys, we have options now. Coming out of this, I did not expect to have any. Its odd getting good news for once.

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10 Comments

Filed under adoption, Celebration, Ectopic, Healing, Moving On

10 responses to “It is known

  1. Just when you think you know the answer, nature throws one hell of a curve ball. Hon, I am so glad that you got these results. Just as you said, it means you have options. It also means that some careless twit who calls himself an RE didn’t do irreversible harm. That said, I still want to do irreversible harm to his balls.

    But I digress. I think armed with this information, now is the time to sit down and talk with a trusted physician about a course of action. As you are in the middle of the adoption process, what form of birth control would work best for you? Also, what about your general health? Basically, an overview of all things Trisha so if you decide to reopen the TTC journey you know best what to do and who you can turn to.

    Thinking of you, lady. And so very glad that your tube is normal.

  2. Wow. Well, while this is good news, I hope and pray for you that it doesn’t cause you any undue confusion. You have been through so much. The last thing I want for you is for you to forever ask, “what if?”. Whatever you decide to do as far as ttc goes, I hope you have peace with that decision.
    And gosh I am so excited for the adoption to be finalized! I cannot wait to hear about the day you get to hold that baby in your arms!
    Hugs to you, lady. You are one tough cookie. And for that, you will make an awesome mama. Hopefully soon!

  3. I am so happy for you. Inspite of all the crap you were handed last year, everything is not lost. I know your sentiment of not trying naturally anymore, but you have peace knowing all is not over. More than anything you have closure. Am so happy for you.

  4. Wow! That is not the direction I thought this post was going! I can only imagine how shocked you were! Ectopic has always been the scarriest part of this whole TTC thing for me, so I totally understand your fear, and your desire to prevent more heartache! But OPTIONS… yay for options!

  5. Wow, that is a mixed bag of all kinds of confusing emotions. Obviously, yay you could possibly still have a bio baby! But I’m sure that knowing you have made a conscious choice not to pursue pregnancy, rather than having that choice taken away from you,is a little strange. I’m glad to hear the adoption process is not stressing you out right now and I hope you’ll have good news for us about a placement by the end of the summer 🙂 Can I ask…do you ever worry about bonding or dealing with the stress of raising a baby when there is no biological link to you? When talking about how stressful or tiring it can be around other people’s kids I always hear “Its different when it is your own”. But does that sense of “your own” pop up immediately upon adoption or is it possible you spend months feeling like you are taking care of “someone else’s” baby? That idea kind of scares me while I consider adoption…but I’m hoping its not too unusual a fear.

    • I worry about it all the time actually. Especially since we will be getting a african-american child. Whenever I have this feeling though I go to my Aunt’s facebook page and look at pictures of her family. I have a cousin who is african-american and was adopted 8 years ago. Whenever I see him I know that bonding is not going to be an issue because I don’t see him as any different from his sisters who were conceived naturally. They are my family and I love them all the same. I know that as soon as I have that baby in my arms I’m going to love it just as intensely as if I had bore the child myself.

      I talked to my aunt about it once and she did say that for the first few days it felt like she was just babysitting a really cute baby. But then all the sudden it hit her that he was hers and he wasn’t going anywhere. Both her and my uncle have told me that they don’t see him any different as their other children. He is theirs although there is no genetic link.

      Don’t let that thought scare you away, I feel like it is a completely normal reaction, especially after dealing with infertility. Adoption is not for everyone, but I know if that is the route you do decide to go you will be an amazing mother. Anytime you want to talk let me know!

  6. WOW congratulations on the good news! I am sure it complicates things for you, but in a good way (sort of). However you chose to do it, I hope you get your rainbow very soon!

  7. I’m feeling a lot like this right now. I thought an “answer” would be my answer, but it’s never quite as easy as that. I hope the adoption gets rolling quickly!

  8. nonsequiturchica

    Wow this is great news that you have options. Glad that the adoption process is going smoothly so far- hope that continues!

  9. I’m so happy to see this news. It must feel wonderful to know that you do have options for the future. I wish you the best with the progress of this adoption!

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