Monthly Archives: October 2013

Where to go from here

I’ve been having a really hard time with this space lately. Over the past 2 years this blog has been a source of comfort and strength for me, it has been here during the hardest moments of my life as a place where I could truly be myself. Once upon a time I posted because I wanted to. But now, I post because I feel I have to.

Honestly I think what is hard for me is seeing this space, which was once a place filled with the bitter reality of what it is like to go through infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss, become a mommy blog.

There is NOTHING wrong with mommy blogs. I have another blog where I do post pretty much all things Muppet. But I feel like by doing that here I am taking away the essence of what this blog has been for me. Yes, it shows that dreams do come true, but it also can mask what it takes to reach those dreams. And one thing that is very important for me is to never forget where I came from. Infertility leaves a scar, and I don’t want to cover mine up.

So what am I saying? That I will never post here? No. Hardly. Because the reality for me is…I’m not done. J and I have talked extensively about the subject and as crazy as it seems…we want to try again. Not now. Right now I am enjoying the time I have with my sweet Muppet, but in my heart I know our family is not complete. Another adoption is still on the table, but honestly I don’t know if we could afford it. Financially or emotionally. I will write post about this another day though.

For now what I am saying is posts might be sparse. Because I need this to be a space dedicated to the cruel reality of building a family and all the pain that goes with it when dealing with infertility. So there will be posts, just not ones dedicated to my girl.

That being said there are a lot of you who have stuck with me through the past few years and that I know care about Muppet. So like I said, I do have another blog. However it is a very open blog with all my personal information in it. So I do want to be cautious with it. So if you want the link you can click on the About Me tab above. There is a contact form to fill out where you can request the link. ***PLEASE don’t be offended if you do not receive a response. I really didn’t even know how to post this here because I won’t be giving it out to everyone. But I also don’t know how else to go about this. This is a very personal blog so if I really don’t know you I hesitate to give it out. But a lot of you I do know. And you are all near and dear to my heart so I’d like to extend an invite to the blog if you’d like to follow along.

In short, I’ve come a long way in 2 years but now times are changing, and I need to do what I feel most comfortable with at this time. So stick around if you’d like, there will be posts and maybe even small updates on Muppet. But I know that for now a little break is needed.

name

4 Comments

Filed under adoption, Baby Girl, Infertility, Living Life, Moving On, RPL

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2013

Today, October 15th, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. I took a moment to read over my post from last year and it brought tears to my eyes, because everything I said in that post is still true. I’m in a completely different place. I have the most beautiful baby girl that I could ever have imagined but I’m still that girl who wrote those words.

I’ve struggled recently to find my place in this community. Because yes, I am now a mother…but I’m still infertile. And my wounds have still not healed. I would not change a hair on Muppet’s head, but I can’t help but wish that I had carried her for the first 9 months of her existence. I know that if that was the case, she would not be the same person but I wish it was possible.

And I still miss my babies. Every day. My beautiful girl is the light of my life but although I love her more than anything, she doesn’t take away the pain of my missing children. In my mind she has a big brother. MB. Who left this world far too soon. Along with the other unknown little angels. They will never be replaced or forgotten.

My heart aches for anyone who has ever had to experience the pain of pregnancy or infant loss. It is something that scars you deeply. I can only pray that my own sweet Muppet will never have to go through the things I had to on my journey to a family, but I know that if she does I will be able to hold her in my arms and help her understand that she is not alone in this pain. The same goes for everyone in this community who has lost a desperately loved child. I want to extend to all of you my love and comfort.

Today I remember my lost babies, just as I remember them everyday. I love them, forever and always.

name

3 Comments

Filed under adoption, Healing, Infertility, Miscarriage

Tales of the sleep deprived

*If you are not in a good place in your journey you may want to skip this one. Although I am beyond grateful to finally be a mother, it is not without its challenges. There will always be other posts. 

So it seems that right after I wrote last week that Muppet was such a great sleeper something switched. All of the sudden she became a fussy, miserable baby during the night. After a feeding it would take up to an hour to get her back to sleep. She would grunt, groan, wiggle and cry. Nothing I tried seemed to comfort her. It was beyond frustrating and really brought down my confidence as a mother.

Friday morning at around 6:00 am I finally snapped. I’d been up with her most of the night and she still was fussing. In my frustration I broke down into tears. J woke up and took Muppet, telling me to get some rest. Instead I sat in bed and cried feeling like a failure. It didn’t help that it only took him 10 min to get her calmed down and asleep.

Sleep deprivation really messes with you.

Since then things have improved. I spoke to her doctor and he said it sounded like she was having some regurgitation issues. He suggested laying her at an angle after feedings instead of laying her flat. He also said that we could consider switching formulas. We have been lucky so far in that area and have been able to us the Costco brand, but is seems like she was starting to develop a bad tummy so yesterday I pulled the trigger and switched her to Gerber Good Start Gentle. I’m not sure I’ve seen a huge difference so far but its only been one day. I’m hoping that maybe it will be a little easier for her to digest and that the cause of this night-time fussiness was stomachs which will now go away.

I’ve also found a night schedule that helps tremendously. Before now I had just been letting her eat every 3 hours if hungry, rather than try to get her on a strict schedule. But right now, a schedule is what I need. So at 8:00 in the evening I wake her up (if asleep. Her naps are still very unpredictable) and feed her. After that it is bath time which she absolutely loves. Afterwards we do all we can to keep her awake until her next feeding at 11:00.

At 11 she has her bedtime feeding. She usually falls asleep immediately afterwards. She sleeps soundly for the next 5 hours. I wake up with her at 4:00 am for another bottle, sometimes she finishes it all, sometimes she doesn’t. She goes back to sleep and this is usually her fussy stage. She will sleep for an hour or two and then decide that she can’t sleep any longer unless I’m holding her. From 6-7 I hold her in bed. At 7:00 J wakes up for her morning feed and plays with her till 8:30 until he leaves for work. I’m able to get a little more sleep before he leaves and stay somewhat sane.

Before this schedule I was getting up with her anywhere from 2-3 times a night. It was killing me. I was sleeping in 2 hour intervals and if she started fussing I didn’t sleep at all. I’m pretty sure that is what caused the breakdown last week. J was great though, he took the next night and let me get 8 hours of sleep, something I hadn’t had in a really long time. Now I think we will be able to manage. I’m not sure if the formula is going to make a big difference but I have high hopes.

But I’ll tell ya, as hard as the sleep thing is it is all worth it when that baby looks at you and smiles. Yesterday I’m pretty sure I got her first ‘social smile’. Shes smiled in the past but it has always felt like it was for another reason. But yesterday I looked at her and started talking and she broke into a big grin. I tested it over and over with the same result. I love this kid, more than I can say. Just hoping that we can all enjoy a little more sleep in the coming weeks.

name

9 Comments

Filed under Baby Girl, Family, Motherhood, Sleep training, Stay At Home Mom

1 Month

To my little Muppet:

You turned 1 month old yesterday. It seems amazing to me that you’ve only been in our life for that amount of time. Already I have a hard time remembering what my world was like without you. You have brought me so much happiness and joy in the past few weeks. Before you I was treading water to stay afloat, but now I feel as thought I am diving in and out of the waves with ease. For 3 years there has been a constant gray cloud over my head but you were able to push that cloud away and bring out the sun with your big brown eyes.

This month you have grown so much. Instead of the docile newborn, you have started to become a flourishing infant. We have started to see pieces of your personality emerge and it brings us so much joy and excitement. A few nights ago your daddy made you smile and laugh by tickling your cheek with a stuffed animal. We tried so hard to get you to do it again, but you were content to give us just a little preview of what we have to come. We both cherish those few seconds of your incredible laugh.

For the most part you are a pretty good sleeper. You get a bath every night around 7 which is quickly becoming both of our favorite time of the night. You are content to kick away in the warm water and bubbles while I clean your little body from a hard day of play. After your bath we play for a few hours until it is time for all of us to go to bed. You usually fall asleep easily and will go up to 5 hours in between feedings. Every morning you get up early with daddy so you two can bond a bit before he leaves for work. This way I get a little extra sleep as well.

Your family adores you. We Skype with Grandma L at least once a week, if any of your Aunts or Uncles happen to be around at the time they swarm the screen to get a good look at how big you are getting. We have a line of people waiting to babysit you amongst our friends in California. They all want to hold you and kiss your sweet little cheeks. You are a very loved little girl.

This is only the beginning little one, you have a wonderful life ahead of you. I promise to do all I can to make sure that you get everything you want and deserve in life. You are my everything. Daddy and I love you so much, you have truly brought so much joy into our lives.

Love Always,

Mama

6 Comments

Filed under Baby Girl, Family, Growing Up, If you're happy and you know it..., Letters, Motherhood