Today, October 15th, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. I took a moment to read over my post from last year and it brought tears to my eyes, because everything I said in that post is still true. I’m in a completely different place. I have the most beautiful baby girl that I could ever have imagined but I’m still that girl who wrote those words.
I’ve struggled recently to find my place in this community. Because yes, I am now a mother…but I’m still infertile. And my wounds have still not healed. I would not change a hair on Muppet’s head, but I can’t help but wish that I had carried her for the first 9 months of her existence. I know that if that was the case, she would not be the same person but I wish it was possible.
And I still miss my babies. Every day. My beautiful girl is the light of my life but although I love her more than anything, she doesn’t take away the pain of my missing children. In my mind she has a big brother. MB. Who left this world far too soon. Along with the other unknown little angels. They will never be replaced or forgotten.
My heart aches for anyone who has ever had to experience the pain of pregnancy or infant loss. It is something that scars you deeply. I can only pray that my own sweet Muppet will never have to go through the things I had to on my journey to a family, but I know that if she does I will be able to hold her in my arms and help her understand that she is not alone in this pain. The same goes for everyone in this community who has lost a desperately loved child. I want to extend to all of you my love and comfort.
Today I remember my lost babies, just as I remember them everyday. I love them, forever and always.