What the future holds

I’ve noticed lately that a lot of infertile bloggers who have found their way to their babies have come to a brave decision. That once they get that long-awaited baby, they were done. They have their babies, whether singletons or twins, and call it quits because who wants to go through that mess again? We are lucky to get our babies.

I desperately wish sometimes that I could reach the same conclusion. But J and I are in agreement that our family is not complete and we really don’t want Muppet to be an only child. There is nothing wrong with this at all, both of us just grew up with a lot of siblings so to us that idea is totally foreign. But I can’t shake the idea that we are not done.

As I mentioned in my last post, J and I have been thinking a lot about how we want to continue to build our family now that Muppet is here. If you had asked me at the beginning of this year what our plans were I would have answered firmly and quickly. We would adopt two children and consider ourselves very blessed. Done. Story over.

During this time J agreed with my plan, except he would always sneak in that we could try for a third child naturally. I politely nodded my head and told him “Yeah, maybe.” All the while thinking that there was no way in hell that I would ever try to conceive again. I figured after we had adopted our second child I would find a way to tell him that I just couldn’t go through it again. We would have our family and all would be well.

Enter Muppet. This amazing little girl has changed my life, but she has also done something I never thought possible…she makes me want to have a baby.

Crazy no? I have no idea where this feeling comes from. I was sure about never getting pregnant again, there was not a shred of doubt. So why all the sudden do I want it again?

I don’t know. Typing it out makes me feel really crazy. I just can’t shake the feeling though. I know I’d have to go into it with a very different mindset, a very depressing one. I’d have to go into it knowing that I will likely have more miscarriages. I’d have to be detached. How horrible is that?

I’m not ready now. No way. I’m still too damaged. Plus I’m soaking up all the precious moments I have with Muppet. I refuse to remember the first portion of her life being tainted with my losses. I want to remember all these moments with her in complete joy. She is growing so fast, I already miss the little baby I brought home from the hospital. But I smell her head, touch her soft skin, and I know that she won’t be my only baby.

I’m so grateful for adoption. It has blessed my life so much and I truly can’t imagine life without Muppet. I know without a shred of doubt that she was always meant to be my child. I had to go through a hell of a lot to get her, but it was always supposed to be her. But now I feel like maybe there is another baby that I’m supposed to have as well and maybe, just maybe, that child is supposed to be carried by me.

We could do another adoption. It is always an option. I have just a few hesitancies, the big one being the money. It is incredibly expensive. I know we would only be able to do one more at most. The other is the idea of having two birth moms is a little overwhelming. I love A. She gave me the greatest gift anyone could have ever given me, but that doesn’t make the situation easy.

It will be awhile till I make any final decision, but as of right now I know what I want. I want something I never thought I would want again. And that really scares me.

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5 Comments

Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Healing, Infertility, Miscarriage, Motherhood, Pregnancy, RPL

5 responses to “What the future holds

  1. You are so brave. I am not going to pretend I understand exactly what you’re feeling but I truly hope you get the family of your dreams someday 🙂

  2. This is a powerful post. I understand and empathize. It is awesome that you aren’t judging yourself for knowing what feels right to you, knowing when your family feels complete or not—it makes so much considering how you and your husband grew up. I too grew up around a lot of kids—my brother, many cousins, wonderful extended family—and when I think of family, I think of having at least two. I don’t even have one yet (tears, tears) and am turning 40 soon—so crazy, I never thought this would be my life. I want to spend some time this week reading your story and how you moved through adoption. I need to start researching that. I’ve just had my sixth loss—the sixth one through donor egg (but doctors seem to think it was a random genetic fluke in the donor’s egg and the worst luck in the universe). Wishing you the best.

  3. I feel exactly the same way. I have my twins — one boy and one girl. I swore during my entire pregnancy that we were done but I found myself having second thoughts on the matter just two weeks after my two little miracles were born. My pregnancy was so miserable and difficult, not to mention the complications I experienced from my C-section, that I often find myself thinking I want a second chance at a normal pregnancy and delivery. And I want a second chance at breastfeeding because I wasn’t able to successfully do it with my twins (for a number of reasons that I won’t get into here). I feel robbed of so many experiences from my twin pregnancy, experiences that seem to come so easily to everyone else. But I don’t know if my hubby will ever agree to another baby. He is 9 years older than me after all. So we will see what the future holds for us. In the mean time, I’ll be thinking of you and pray that you find your happy ending. 🙂

  4. I hope that you are blessed with a sibling for muppet! I think you’ll know when your family feels complete!

  5. i agree with Melissa. I hope that you are blessed with lots and lots of babies until you KNOW that your family is complete. I am praying that you have peace and clarity 🙂 Enjoy this precious time now and who knows…maybe you will have one naturally 🙂 I’m praying for you.

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