Since Muppet was born I’ve been frequenting parenting message boards. Sometimes they frustrate me with the judgemental “Mommy Wars” that take place (i.e. “Omg you moved your baby into their own room before 6 months?!?! You must be the worst mom out there!”). But there are times that they are very helpful and informative. Mostly I’m just looking to connect with other new moms the way that I connected with infertiles here.
The other place I’ve searched for connections is Adoption Forums. There really aren’t many that I’ve found that are extremely active but there is one in particular that I frequent. There is also a Facebook group that I joined specifically for Trans-racial Adoptions. I thought these places would bring me comfort and encouragement, but more often than not, I leave them with great feelings of anxiety and fear.
Both these places are designed for all aspects of adoption including those wanting to find out more about adoption, adoptive parents, and adult adoptees. And I will tell you, the latter is by far the most vocal of the groups. For me, adoption has always been about love. Enough love from the birth-mom to recognize that she is not enough for her child, love from the adoptive parents who only want to raise a child, regardless of genetics. I know it is not all peaches and cream. I am very aware of the issues my daughter may face as she grows. I know that someday she might come home crying because another kid teased her about having different skin than her parents. I know that she may deal with issues of abandonment and feeling unwanted. I’m prepared for this. I will do everything in my power to help her through this.
But these forums, they mess with my mind. SO many adult adoptees have such negative views on adoption. I’ve read posts on how a child is always better off with their biological parents, how it is selfish to place the burden of not knowing their own genetics on a child so that an adoptive parent doesn’t have to deal with the burden on not having children, how ignorant it is for a white adoptive parent to assume that they can raise a child of another race even if they try to keep the child’s heritage part of their life, and so many more.
It gets to me. Am I inadvertently damaging my child just because I adopted her?
My head knows better. I know that Muppet’s life is better than it would have been if she had not been adopted. There is a reason that A chose adoption, to give this little girl something that she herself couldn’t give. In my heart I believe that the love that Muppet receives can make up for lost genetic link. I want to believe that I can honor her heritage and raise her to be a strong, proud black woman even though I will never fully understand that part of her life.
But there is still the part of my heart that is so scared that one day all these negative words I’m reading from adult adoptees will be coming from the sweet little girl that I cherish so much.
So how do I deal with these emotions? I know the smart thing would probably be to stop going to these forums, but part of me thinks it is wise for me to be aware of these people and their opinions. I want to be informed of all the possible issues that may arise in our future, but these posts upset me so much. I just want to know that I’m doing the right thing by my little girl.