Somewhere in between

This past Sunday was Bereaved Mother’s Day. This coming Sunday is Mother’s Day. Where does one fit when you feel the need to honor both? Everyone has been saying to me this year “You finally get to celebrate a Mother’s Day!”. But in my hearth I’ve been a mother much longer than Muppet has been in my life. Having a baby in no way erases the pain of the babies that you have lost.

I remember so clearly how I spent Mother’s Day last year. I was mourning my 4 lost babies while waiting to complete our home study and feeling like it would never be finished. I was working at the salon and spent the entire day literally holding back tears as almost all my clients that day went on about their plans for the day and asking if I was a mother yet. At one point I had to walk away from a client and go to the back room to regain my composer as it all just became too much. That night when I got home, my sweet husband presented me with a bouquet of flowers and said “Thank you for being so good to our babies”. While this gesture was greatly appreciated, this finally broke down the bridge of emotion that I had managed to hold together all day. I sat and sobbed thinking that I hadn’t been good to our babies, if I had we would have them in our arms and not be in the position we were in.

This year I don’t really know how to feel. I still miss our babies, more than I can say. But at the same time I have a very live baby in my arms whom I love more than life itself. But I feel like I can’t fully enjoy Mother’s Day. I want to feel like a “normal” mom. Like I can celebrate my motherhood without dragging my piles of baggage around with me. I just don’t know how to do it though.

I feel as though I am stuck between two worlds: One where infertility and loss rule my life. One where I am an overjoyed new mom with no cares in the world other than her daughter. How do I find a balance? As much as the losses pain me, I don’t want to “get over” them. I don’t want to ever forget where I have come from or what the cost was to get Muppet. But I want to enjoy this time, the time where my baby is growing and thriving.

I can only hope in time that I will be able to join my two worlds. This year I honor both Mother’s days. One for the 4 babies I lost and one for the baby who is currently climbing all over me.

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3 Comments

Filed under adoption, Baby Girl, Infertility, Miscarriage, Motherhood, RPL, Stay At Home Mom

3 responses to “Somewhere in between

  1. I’m struggling with this too. And I’m completely at a loss. While I’m beyond elated that our Sugarbeats are here and thriving, my heart still hurts from losing our other babies.

    I don’t think there’s one way to do this. But what I think we’re planning on doing is relighting the candles for the ones we lost and then spending the day as a family, taking some time to be together. As long as I’m not the center of attention but also get to recognize all aspects that are important to me, I think we’ll get through.

    Thinking of you and wishing you a peaceful celebration.

  2. Yes, I thought Mother’s Day would be easy and fun for me once I had a baby but I can’t erase the pain of years gone by. I’m thankful this year, that’s for sure. But it isn’t really like I thought it would be.

  3. Beautifully said. Dragging baggage along with you. ❤

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