Monthly Archives: February 2015

Growing Up

Most days I’m so sad about how fast Muppet is growing up. Every time I have to clean out her dressers to clear out the clothes that no longer fit her I die a little inside. I miss her tiny little body cuddled up against mine and how she used to stretch and wiggle because that was the only way she could move. But then there are days that my heart just bursts with pride on how smart she is becoming. Today was one of those days.

She constantly amazes me with how much she understands. As we were driving home from some errands I glanced in the review mirror to check on her and I saw her singing ‘Itsy-Bitsy Spider’ to herself. It was all jumbled words and the only way I could tell it was that song was watching her do all the actions to herself in her mirror (she is rear facing and has a mirror on back of the headrest so we can see her). My heart just about melted at the sight. She knew exactly what she was singing even if she didn’t know the words.

She is also starting to do more of actual playing, rather than just sticking things in her mouth. This morning we made a little bed for her baby doll and she was so enamored with putting the baby to bed and then waking her up. She would cover her with the blanket and give her a bottle. Later after her nap and her afternoon snack I asked her what she wanted to drink, milk or juice? She looked right at me and said “Ummmm…” then signed milk. I about died. She is developing opinions and making decisions. Where did my baby go?!?

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Filed under Baby Girl, Growing Up, Motherhood, Stay At Home Mom

Faith

I don’t know how much I’ve written on this blog about religion. I try to stay away from topics like that because to me faith is a very personal thing. I’m writing this because God has been on my mind a lot lately and I really feel the need to let some things out. I should probably be doing this with a therapist but figured a couple hundred internet strangers will work!

Both J and I were raised LDS (mormon). Yup, one of those ‘weirdos’. Despite what some may think it is not a cult, and for the most part the church is made up of really wonderful people. There are things that I very much disagree with that the church teaches, but there are also some things that I really like. Despite that both of us have distanced ourselves from the religion and do not actively practice any organized faith. I’ve maintained a belief in God since distancing myself from the church. I’ve always subscribed to the idea that if you are a good person and try your best in this life, that you do not necessarily need to be a part of a church in order to please God. My God is a loving God. Not one to be fearful of.

I was raised with the idea that we are all give ‘trials’ in this life. That we will struggle and that by overcoming these struggles we will become stronger and better people. I was told that God would never give us a trial that we were not able to overcome. That right there is where I lost my faith.

I’ve only ever wanted to be a mother. I never had plans of college or career. I was going to be a mom, end of story. Convenient then that my trial in life seem to be infertility. Infertility killed my relationship with God. If He thought I could overcome this and become a better person than He was wrong. I’ve come a long way with accepting my situation since Muppet was born. But I am far from over it. I don’t think I ever will be. The bitterness resides within me and every so often it bubbles over, despite how hard I try to suppress it. And most of that bitterness is directed to God.

WHY did this have to be my trial? Of all the things in the world, why this? Maybe that makes me sound like a horrible person because I know there are a lot worse things out there than not being able to have a child but I can’t help but feel this way. It is the only thing I ever wanted. The only thing I ever asked Him for.

I’m especially bitter about my 2nd pregnancy. The other 3 were hard to lose, it is never easy to lose something you want so desperately. But I lost them early, early enough that I hadn’t become too attached. I still was able to maintain some sanity afterwards. But that 2nd one. It still hurts. I saw that heartbeat THREE times. If He was going to take my baby away from me why did He leave it long enough for me to see that? Why did He let me come to love that baby so much? I still have my ultrasound pictures. They are tucked away in a drawer and I still haven’t been able to bring myself to throw them away. I don’t think I let on to anyone how much that loss damaged me, even you guys. There was a very real time that I was suicidal. I was so hurt that I just wanted it to end. I thought it would be better for J, he could find someone else that wasn’t so broken. I don’t really know how I over came that, but I did. I now realize how scary my life was back then. I should have reached out to someone but I didn’t.

We had some missionaries from the church visit us this week. They are nice boys and we hold no grudge towards the church so we always let them in to chat. During our discussion they talked about answered prayers and the whole time all I could think about was all the nights I spent on my knees praying that my baby would survive. Obviously those prayers went very much unanswered. It almost made me mad at these two boys. I know that they are young and that their life experience is rather limited so I didn’t mention my anger. I know they wouldn’t have the answers for me anyways and it wasn’t their fault. They are just doing what they believe is right. But ever since they left I can’t shake all these thoughts that are running through my head.

I hate living with this hanging over my head. I can feel the bitterness inside me and it almost disturbs me. I am not an angry or vengeful person by nature. I like to think the best of people and the world. But the longer this goes on the more I question if I will ever be able to get past it. For some people living without faith might not seem like a big deal, but to me it is. It scares me more than I think I’m willing to admit out loud. It has always been a part of who I am and even though I have distanced myself from organized religion, my faith has always been something that I have used to help guide me through life. I want Muppet to have a belief system. I don’t care which one, she is free to choose, but I want her to believe in something. Right now I feel like I can’t expect that of her though, because I’m not sure if I believe anymore. I want to get past this, but I just don’t think I’m strong enough.

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Filed under Depression, Infertility, Miscarriage, Motherhood, RPL

Toddler Territory

Thank you for all of the advice on my last post. I thought a lot about it and consulted with a few other moms I know, and I’ve decided that for now I’m going to let it go. Muppet is only 17 months old so I really don’t feel like I should be putting all this pressure on myself to remove the binky from her life. I’m going to relax about it and re-evaluate the situation when we are closer to two.

One of the main reasons I feel like this needs to wait is the tantrum situation is in full swing at our house right now. I feel like Muppet went from being a baby to being a toddler in a span of a week. There are so many wonderful things about toddlers. The way they learn new things is memorizing and I love watching her little brain pick up things that are going on around her. But the tantrums are hard. Even harder because as of right now Muppet has absolutely no understanding of the word “no”. She laughs at me every time I say it. I really don’t know what to do about it other than hope in time she will start to understand that when I say that to her there is a reason.

The biggest issue we are having is throwing food. Every time she is in her high chair she throws her food and laughs. It isn’t because she is not hungry or doesn’t like the food, she just thinks it is funny. I’m trying to implement the whole ‘if your throwing your food you must be done’ thing but so far it isn’t working. She gets down to play and then wants to eat food off of mine or J’s plate. But she won’t eat food in her high chair. On top of that, she isn’t gaining weight very well lately. Every appointment we drop in the percentiles more and more. She is an active kid so I understand why this is happening, but it makes it really hard to deprive her of food.

Now that she is getting older, though, I can finally start doing more planned activities with her. In the past she hasn’t been too interested in stuff because she would rather run around. But yesterday we did our first sensory box! She has SO much fun, as did I. I was a little nervous that because we were doing it on the balcony where we keep bikes and stuff that she would show no interest in the box but she surprised me. When I took her outside she went straight for the box and played with it the whole time without me needing to redirect her at all.

I can’t wait to find more activities like this to do with her in the future. Not only does it keep her busy for part of the afternoon, but I feel like she is the type of kid who has fewer tantrums when she is on a structured schedule. She has always done well with structure so I know I need to push to give us a little more of that now that she is growing up. It is really amazing how fast these little creatures change and grow. I want to be a good mom and sometimes I really need to remind myself that she needs my guidance. It is really easy for me to fall into a bit of ‘laziness’ with staying at home and playing with her. Toddler needs to run and be free!

Anyways this is mostly just me babbling. Things are changing so much in our house right now and I’m just trying to keep up with it all. I love this little girl so much. I love that she now calls me “Mommy” instead of just “Ma”. It really hits me that I have a kid and that I am her whole world. Me. That is mind-blowing, but also incredibly cool.

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Filed under Baby Girl, Family, Growing Up, Motherhood, Stay At Home Mom