Monthly Archives: March 2015

MicroBlog Monday: Wanderer

Right now we are in the middle of our move. Last Monday the moving company came and packed our whole apartment and carted it away. Since it takes 10-14 to get our stuff to our new destination we decided that we would fly to my parents home for a week so we wouldn’t have to try to entertain Muppet in an empty apartment. It has been great spending time with them and watching Muppet bond with her family. But there is a sense of displacement about it all. We are living out of suitcases and that is always tricky with an 18 month old.

But then to make matters even more fun, the house we were planning on renting fell through 2 days ago. Luckily J will be working for a large company that can put us in temporary (furnished) housing once we get to Seattle so that we have time to find a place to live, but since we are doing that all our stuff is going into storage. Had I known this would be the case I would have kept a few things with us such as our stroller. But nope, all of it is gone and I won’t see it until we find a permanent place to live. This is definitely not ideal. Not to mention we will continue living out of our suitcases for around another 4 weeks. While I’m grateful for the options we have as far as housing I do hate feeling like I don’t belong anywhere. I will be so grateful to be done with all of this.

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Filed under #microblogmonday, Just my luck, Living Life, On the Road

Nothing.

Since Muppet was born I’ve had a lot easier time dealing with other people’s pregnancies. Although it no longer sent me into a spiraling pool of depression when someone announced they were expecting, there was still a small knot that formed in my stomach that was filled with jealousy. I still have a really hard time with things like ultrasound photos on FB, mostly because that is something I’ll never get. I’ve never seen an ultrasound picture of Muppet and I doubt I will see one of Baby Boy.

But something has changed for me since we found out we were going to be getting Baby Boy in a few months. Since then I’ve found out about 2 pregnancies, one a relative and one a friend. These are both people who have never gone through infertility and conceived pretty much right after they started trying. In the past this has felt so unfair to me and would take days if not weeks to get over. But do you know what I felt this time? Nothing.

Seriously. No knot, no jealousy, no pain. I felt happy for them and their growing families (both are expecting their second child). It as if the news of our second child’s arrival has eased that burden from me. We’ve already decided that we are only have two children so no there is no question on how our second child will come to us. That knowledge has set me free. For the first time in years I feel like infertility isn’t controlling my life. I sincerely hope it lasts because it feels amazing.

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Filed under adoption, Baby Boy, Family, Moving On

Microblog Monday: Jumping through hoops

Man, I had forgotten home much doing a home study sucks. In the midst of trying to coordinate a state to state move I am also trying to bang out all our home study paperwork so that as soon as we get to Seattle we are able to start with the social worker visits. J and I both have a 5 page form to fill out with ‘basic’ information about ourselves. But on top of that we both have a bibliography that is 14 pages long that we have to type up. 14 pages. I worked on it for over an hour last night and I’m still not finished. I mean I get that they need to make sure an adoptive family if going to be a healthy and happy home to place a child in and they need to make sure we are sane and all, but to be honest this process is making me a bit insane! I am just trying to focus on the fact that this is all a means to the end. In June I’m going to have a beautiful baby and this will all be worth it. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go answer more questions about my childhood.

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Filed under #microblogmonday, adoption, Home Study, Trans-racial adoption

After boom

Thank you all for your comments and congratulations! Although I haven’t been as present since Muppet was born I knew I could come to you all with this major change in our lives. I love this community so much and am so grateful for all the support.

I said in my last post that I couldn’t write about all that has happened in one post. Because yes, there is more. While all this was going on with the new adoption we were also coming face to face with some other major life changes. For awhile now we have been toying around with the idea of relocating. Our time in SoCal has been amazing. The people that we have met and who have become our family are truly some of the best people I’ve ever met in my life. While it is hard to think of leaving that kind of comfort we were feeling stagnant. So J started apply and this week caught the fish of our dreams.

At the end of this month we will be moving to Seattle, WA where J will be working for a major gaming studio. We are beyond excited. But adding a major move with all the adoption stuff is making my eye twitch with anxiety and stress. I started filling out paperwork for our home study today. We are working with a Washington agency who is able to get this done in a rush for us so we have every thing prepared before the baby comes. I’m frantically making calls all day trying to arrange physicals, finger printing, and anything we can plausibly get done before we leave Cali. That way as soon as we get to our new home we can start the social worker visits.

We haven’t announced anything about the baby on FB yet. We have quite a few people who know but for the most part we want to get settled in Seattle before we unveil that impending event. Plus I really want to do a picture of Muppet in a big sister shirt to announce. Since this is going to be my last (seriously.) baby I can’t help but really want to do that despite how annoying I’ve found it to be in the past. And right now I just don’t have the time to take that kind of photo the way I want it.

Luckily we have some great friends in Seattle and one of them just bought a house, so the house they were renting is available. We will likely be taking over their lease so that we can get a feel of the area before buying a home of our own. This takes my stress level down a bit as at least I don’t have to worry about rushing to buy a house just so we have a roof over our heads. I’m also going to be going to stay with my parents for a week so that Muppet and I are out-of-the-way for J and the movers. Trying to pack with an 19 month old is just too difficult so luckily our new company is paying someone to do that for us.

AGH. I have so much to do I almost don’t even know where to start. I’m just taking things one day at a time and reminding myself how lucky I am to be having all these amazing things happen for me.

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Filed under adoption, Family, Home Study, Motherhood, Moving On

BOOM.

I barely know where to begin. This week has been…overwhelming. It as if someone, somewhere saw how comfortable and routine my life has become and thought “Hey, I’ll show her!”. Then BOOM. My world imploded.

I can’t even write about it all right now. I’ll have to do a few posts but I’m bursting at the seems to get this out.

Before Muppet was born I thought I’d never try for a pregnancy again. I was done, we were going to adopt our children and that was that. I’d gone through too much hope, pain, and loss to even fathom exposing myself to that again. But all that changed when she came along.

I don’t know what exactly happened. But watching her be born and hearing that first cry just touched my soul. And all the sudden I wanted to experience that again, but this time as a delivering mother. Of course I didn’t want it right away, I was far too focused on my perfect little baby and adjusting to becoming a mother. But I knew that we would try again.

When she was about 8 months old I decided it was time to start figuring things out. I got 2nd and 3rd opinions on my history. I saw a new RE and a doctor of maternal fetal medicine. They both said the same thing – they saw no reason why I shouldn’t be able to carry to term despite all my losses. I decided I was most comfortable with the MFM doctor as last time around I didn’t struggle with the getting pregnant part. She recommended we do baby asprin, metformin, and progesterone after ovulation. After I got pregnant we would take it from there and do everything we could to get us a healthy baby. It took a few more months to psych ourselves up for jumping back into this world. But last August, the month Muppet turned 1, I went off birth control.

I’ll save you the dramatics…I’m not pregnant. And I haven’t been since my ectopic pregnancy over 2 years ago. It seems that like before my surgery, I am once again infertile. Its been about 7 months. My cycles have been erratic at best. And surprisingly, I’m okay with it. Sure I’m slightly disappointed every time that my period arrives but it is nowhere near as bad as it has been before. I want the pregnancy, but I think I’m finally coming to the conclusion that it is just not in the cards for me.

So we started talking about another adoption. We figured we’d start the paperwork in the summer this year, take our time, find the right situation and hopefully have a new baby by the time Muppet turns 3. That is a whole year and a half away! I felt happy about this and became obsessed with the idea of another little girl. One who can wear all the cute clothes that Muppet only wore so briefly, with headbands that I adore. They would grow up close sisters, like I always wanted (I have 3 brothers). J said he didn’t care the gender but if I wanted a girl he was fine with that.

About 3 months ago something in my brain switched and all I wanted was a boy. Before that I think I had a bit of a mental block about boys. because I had always dreamed about giving birth to a son. And if I couldn’t do that, then I didn’t want one. But suddenly that didn’t matter. I knew we would only ever do 2 adoptions. The cost alone makes it too hard. So I wanted to experience one of each gender. Again, J said he didn’t care and if it was important that I have a boy then that is what we would do. (Major plus side of adoption is gender selection)

So last Tuesday I was dancing around the kitchen with Muppet while making dinner. She is becoming so fun to interact with and I just felt like life couldn’t get better. My phone started ringing and I glanced down at the caller id to see who it was. It was our social worker. My stomach dropped, although I wasn’t sure why. I hadn’t spoken to her since we had brought Muppet home as she deals with matches. I answered and she dropped the bombshell.

Muppet’s birth-mom is pregnant again and would like us to adopt the baby.

The shock of what she just said hit me and I start sobbing. Seriously guys, it was almost embarrassing. I was a wreck. And get this – it is a boy. Cue more sobbing. I told her I’d talk to J and let her know but in my heart I was already committed. I wanted this baby, Muppet’s brother.

Things have progressed quickly from there. They have had to since she is due June 22. We have so much to do it is not even funny. We currently don’t have a valid home study so I spent the week calling agencies to see who could get one done in a rush while not breaking the bank. I should be able to start the paperwork later this week (more on that later) and I’m hoping to get it completed by the first week of June which gives us a little bit of a grace period.

So yeah. We are doing this. We have a baby boy on the way. I’m still in shock.

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Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Birth Mom, Celebration, Family, Home Study, Infertility, Miscarriage, Motherhood, Trans-racial adoption

Microblog Monday: He gets it.

During our struggle with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss, my husband J was always there for me. He supported me, stayed with me when I became crazy and depressed, and let me cry on his shoulder. But I never felt that he wanted it the same way I did. I knew he wanted to be a dad but the trouble we were having didn’t seem to affect him the way that it did me. He often said to me “Yeah, I want a family but if it doesn’t happen I will be okay”. That was so different from me because I knew I wouldn’t be okay. I had to have kids.Since adopting Muppet he has often asked me if I’ve ‘gotten over’ my bitterness. I’ve told him that I have of course gotten better, but that I doubted I’d ever get over it. This is something he has never seemed to understand. Infertility is now deeply ingrained in my very being. It is part of who I am and that isn’t something that disappears.

Over the weekend we were in the car driving home from a family outing. Somehow the topic of this couple we know came up. To keep things anonymous I won’t say how we know them, just that they are very close to us. This couple has two children, both were conceived the first month they tried for them. They are very aware of the struggles we have gone through to have a family, yet despite how close we are I had to find out about their 2nd pregnancy via Facebook. It was very hurtful to me.

A few months ago J apparently got into a conversation with the wife about children which inevitably lead to her talking about her pregnancies. She complained about them. How hard they were, how much she hated being pregnant and how it was a bit of a burden how easily they got pregnant. Seriously. She said the to a guy whose wife has had 4 miscarriages. He told me about this conversation over the weekend, I had never heard about it before. And he told me that his first thought while she was saying all these things was “Trish would do anything to have the experience you have been lucky enough to have!” He didn’t say anything to her, because he didn’t want to turn it into a big deal but he told me how angry her comments made him as she knew how much we had been through to have a family.

The fact that he shared this frustration and anger with me, after all these years, made my love for him grow. He gets it you guys. He may not show his feelings about this kind of stuff easily and he may not be as bruised as I am but he gets it. He. Gets. It.

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Filed under #microblogmonday, Family, Infertility, Miscarriage, People suck