Microblog Monday: He gets it.

During our struggle with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss, my husband J was always there for me. He supported me, stayed with me when I became crazy and depressed, and let me cry on his shoulder. But I never felt that he wanted it the same way I did. I knew he wanted to be a dad but the trouble we were having didn’t seem to affect him the way that it did me. He often said to me “Yeah, I want a family but if it doesn’t happen I will be okay”. That was so different from me because I knew I wouldn’t be okay. I had to have kids.Since adopting Muppet he has often asked me if I’ve ‘gotten over’ my bitterness. I’ve told him that I have of course gotten better, but that I doubted I’d ever get over it. This is something he has never seemed to understand. Infertility is now deeply ingrained in my very being. It is part of who I am and that isn’t something that disappears.

Over the weekend we were in the car driving home from a family outing. Somehow the topic of this couple we know came up. To keep things anonymous I won’t say how we know them, just that they are very close to us. This couple has two children, both were conceived the first month they tried for them. They are very aware of the struggles we have gone through to have a family, yet despite how close we are I had to find out about their 2nd pregnancy via Facebook. It was very hurtful to me.

A few months ago J apparently got into a conversation with the wife about children which inevitably lead to her talking about her pregnancies. She complained about them. How hard they were, how much she hated being pregnant and how it was a bit of a burden how easily they got pregnant. Seriously. She said the to a guy whose wife has had 4 miscarriages. He told me about this conversation over the weekend, I had never heard about it before. And he told me that his first thought while she was saying all these things was “Trish would do anything to have the experience you have been lucky enough to have!” He didn’t say anything to her, because he didn’t want to turn it into a big deal but he told me how angry her comments made him as she knew how much we had been through to have a family.

The fact that he shared this frustration and anger with me, after all these years, made my love for him grow. He gets it you guys. He may not show his feelings about this kind of stuff easily and he may not be as bruised as I am but he gets it. He. Gets. It.

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10 Comments

Filed under #microblogmonday, Family, Infertility, Miscarriage, People suck

10 responses to “Microblog Monday: He gets it.

  1. Oh, men. Yes, they DO get it. They just don’t communicate that to us. So here we are sometimes feeling very lonely/bitter/sad/mad that they don’t “get it” and it turns out they do. I think they just try to be strong for us and don’t realize that we need to know we’re not alone in how we feel. Big hugs to you both.

  2. Their experience is definitely different to ours but they get it. I’ve come to really appreciate my husbands response to our RPL issues. He stays strong and positive, which can be confused with being unaffected but thats not the case at all. I need him to be this way. It would be even harder if he was as obsessed as I am!

  3. I still remember that moment where Grey shared with me how much our losses affected him. To have him go from a place of protecting me to sharing my grief. Just having him be on the same page made the pain and despair lessen. Because I was no longer alone.

    I’m glad you and J are on the same page. That’s a gift many people rarely get.

  4. Mel

    You captured such an important moment of connection.

  5. I am so glad you have someone who understands! Mine asked his best friend (who asked us to be godparents before the pee stick was dry, I kid you not) to please stop sending me ultrasound photos without me asking him to have that conversation. I was so relieved.

  6. mlong3019

    Wow what a moment, I’m sure as much as you don’t want him to feel the full effect of what you have been through, it’s nice to he truly gets it!

  7. I think men compartmentalize certain things – your hubby responds to the pain his wife went through and more so because he couldn’t do anything about it. My husband once told me that he had always hoped there was something wrong with his sperm so that I didn’t have to carry the burden of our infertility. And like you, it’s just ingrained in me to the day I die. I don’t dwell on it, it is what it is.

  8. I feel like men process infertility experiences differently and they don’t (well mine doesn’t) talk about it openly or freely. I have so much to say – and often. My husband has little to say… But when he does, it reminds ss me that he has been walking this journey the whole time too and that it’s affected so much for him too.

  9. I feel that infertility is as much their experience as it is ours. Yes, we go through the doctors appointments, injections, raging hormones, etc., but they too want a family and they too feel the recurrent disappointments when things don’t work out. It’s so important to share our feelings about this with each other, and I’m glad you two had this moment. He really does get it.

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