Category Archives: Celebration

BOOM.

I barely know where to begin. This week has been…overwhelming. It as if someone, somewhere saw how comfortable and routine my life has become and thought “Hey, I’ll show her!”. Then BOOM. My world imploded.

I can’t even write about it all right now. I’ll have to do a few posts but I’m bursting at the seems to get this out.

Before Muppet was born I thought I’d never try for a pregnancy again. I was done, we were going to adopt our children and that was that. I’d gone through too much hope, pain, and loss to even fathom exposing myself to that again. But all that changed when she came along.

I don’t know what exactly happened. But watching her be born and hearing that first cry just touched my soul. And all the sudden I wanted to experience that again, but this time as a delivering mother. Of course I didn’t want it right away, I was far too focused on my perfect little baby and adjusting to becoming a mother. But I knew that we would try again.

When she was about 8 months old I decided it was time to start figuring things out. I got 2nd and 3rd opinions on my history. I saw a new RE and a doctor of maternal fetal medicine. They both said the same thing – they saw no reason why I shouldn’t be able to carry to term despite all my losses. I decided I was most comfortable with the MFM doctor as last time around I didn’t struggle with the getting pregnant part. She recommended we do baby asprin, metformin, and progesterone after ovulation. After I got pregnant we would take it from there and do everything we could to get us a healthy baby. It took a few more months to psych ourselves up for jumping back into this world. But last August, the month Muppet turned 1, I went off birth control.

I’ll save you the dramatics…I’m not pregnant. And I haven’t been since my ectopic pregnancy over 2 years ago. It seems that like before my surgery, I am once again infertile. Its been about 7 months. My cycles have been erratic at best. And surprisingly, I’m okay with it. Sure I’m slightly disappointed every time that my period arrives but it is nowhere near as bad as it has been before. I want the pregnancy, but I think I’m finally coming to the conclusion that it is just not in the cards for me.

So we started talking about another adoption. We figured we’d start the paperwork in the summer this year, take our time, find the right situation and hopefully have a new baby by the time Muppet turns 3. That is a whole year and a half away! I felt happy about this and became obsessed with the idea of another little girl. One who can wear all the cute clothes that Muppet only wore so briefly, with headbands that I adore. They would grow up close sisters, like I always wanted (I have 3 brothers). J said he didn’t care the gender but if I wanted a girl he was fine with that.

About 3 months ago something in my brain switched and all I wanted was a boy. Before that I think I had a bit of a mental block about boys. because I had always dreamed about giving birth to a son. And if I couldn’t do that, then I didn’t want one. But suddenly that didn’t matter. I knew we would only ever do 2 adoptions. The cost alone makes it too hard. So I wanted to experience one of each gender. Again, J said he didn’t care and if it was important that I have a boy then that is what we would do. (Major plus side of adoption is gender selection)

So last Tuesday I was dancing around the kitchen with Muppet while making dinner. She is becoming so fun to interact with and I just felt like life couldn’t get better. My phone started ringing and I glanced down at the caller id to see who it was. It was our social worker. My stomach dropped, although I wasn’t sure why. I hadn’t spoken to her since we had brought Muppet home as she deals with matches. I answered and she dropped the bombshell.

Muppet’s birth-mom is pregnant again and would like us to adopt the baby.

The shock of what she just said hit me and I start sobbing. Seriously guys, it was almost embarrassing. I was a wreck. And get this – it is a boy. Cue more sobbing. I told her I’d talk to J and let her know but in my heart I was already committed. I wanted this baby, Muppet’s brother.

Things have progressed quickly from there. They have had to since she is due June 22. We have so much to do it is not even funny. We currently don’t have a valid home study so I spent the week calling agencies to see who could get one done in a rush while not breaking the bank. I should be able to start the paperwork later this week (more on that later) and I’m hoping to get it completed by the first week of June which gives us a little bit of a grace period.

So yeah. We are doing this. We have a baby boy on the way. I’m still in shock.

name

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Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Birth Mom, Celebration, Family, Home Study, Infertility, Miscarriage, Motherhood, Trans-racial adoption

Not giving up!

I’ve posted before about my struggles with the space. I’ve felt odd posting about motherhood here since it was a space so specifically dedicated to infertility.

But now I’m saying screw it.

The time I spend at home with Muppet is so rewarding but I admit, there are times that it is very lonely. I mean, I talk to a 8 month old all day. Although she is pretty much the most awesome person around, she is not much of a conversationalist yet. Plus I have things to say and this is where I want to say them.

I thought about starting a new blog, one dedicated to parenting an adopted child, but I really don’t want to start over. This is the place where I feel at home so I’m not going to do that. I will still be posting topics regarding infertility because lets face it: it will always be a part of my life. But I will also be posting about adoption and parenting. If this is not something you feel you can read, no hard feelings. Truly. I know when I was going through treatment the last thing I wanted to read about was another bloggers baby. But if you feel like sticking around I would love the company. I’m going to do better about catching up on all your blogs as well. I read blogs quite often but I’ve been horrible at commenting and I want to rectify that. I am rededicating myself to the blog world – I think I need it right now. So stay tuned if you like: there will be lots more to come.

name P.S. I will probably be occasionally posting pictures of Muppet but if you would like to see more follow me on Instagram @trishp28. I will warn you though, I am that annoying parent that only posts pictures of their baby. But she is a really cute baby worth seeing.

P.P.S. Thank you all for your comments in my last post. I was feeling down in the dumps and you all helped a lot. Please always feel free to inform me about adoption bloggers. I’m eager to add more to my blogroll.

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Filed under adoption, Baby Girl, Celebration, Infertility, Motherhood, Moving On, Stay At Home Mom

2 Weeks Old

It is absolutely astounding how quickly these little beings worm their way into your heart. Muppet turned 2 weeks old yesterday and I am already having a hard time imagining our life without her. She is such an incredibly sweet, good baby. She rarely cries or fusses, has only spit up twice since being born (!) and is now starting to recognize J and I when we hold and speak to her.

Yesterday she had her 2 week checkup at the doctor. Her birth weight was 6lbs 1oz, which fell to 5lbs 14 oz by her 4 day checkup. I was anxiously awaiting to see how much our little bug had grown since she certainly has a healthy appetite. By 2 weeks doctors want babies to regain their birth weight and maybe a little extra. Our girl is apparently an overachiever though because she came in at 7lbs 1oz! The doctor was extremely happy with this and commented on what a healthy eater we had on our hands.

Today was my first baby shower. Something I wasn’t sure I was ever going to have. It was so neat to be surrounded by friends and family with my little girl in my arms. I may be tired and sleep deprived, but I’m also happier than I remember being in a long time. We were spoiled with gifts and it was just so special to see the outpouring of love being sent our way. Of course I’m a complete ditz and didn’t get any pictures but really, I will remember it forever.

We head home next week so for now I’m just trying to soak up all the time I have left with my family and with my baby girl. When we get home we will work on some eating and sleeping schedules. Its going to be an adjustment but one I am thrilled to make. I mean come on…look at that face! I am a little biased but she absolutely kills me with cuteness.

name

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Filed under adoption, Baby Girl, Celebration, Family, If you're happy and you know it..., Trans-racial adoption

She is here!

It is hard to believe I am finally posting this. So many thoughts and emotions are running through my head. Right now I am sitting on a hospital bed with my sleeping daughter next to me. She was born yesterday at 2:28 pm. She was 6lbs 1oz and 18 1/2 inches long. A signed papers today relinquishing her rights and we are now baby girl’s guardians until she is 6 months old when the adoption is finalized. She is without a doubt the most incredible, beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want to, and will, write out her story but for now it is going to have to wait. I am also undecided about sharing pictures and her name here…as much as I want to. Seriously my finger is hovering over the add picture button because I want to show you all how amazing she is, but I need time to decide. Thank you all for the incredible support you’ve been for me the past few years. I am excited to share this new amazing journey with all of you soon.

name

 

Edit: So this is my 228th post and she was born at 2:28. I’m a nerd but this made me smile.

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Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Baby Girl, Celebration, Family, If you're happy and you know it..., Trans-racial adoption

No title can describe it all

It’s hard to describe the emotions that have come over me in the past week. It has been a whirlwind of a week. We spent the past week and a half visiting my family which was so wonderful. It was so nice to relax and stop worrying about all the things that normal life brings. I felt so comfortable to be at home and surrounded by my family, I truly didn’t want to come home.

Since starting the matching process we were very cautious about moving forward to show our profile to Birth Mothers. There were a few situations that came up, but none of them felt right. 2 were preemies and another was in danger of a health risk that we did not feel comfortable with. Then came 2 situations that threw us for a loop. Both were due in the month of August (one being just 6 days after we found out about it) and both were healthy babies. One boy, one girl. The problem was they both came from other agencies, meaning the cost was higher as you had to pay both agencies.

It was a hard day for me. I felt very helpless as all the situations coming up seemed out of our reach. But my mom felt very strongly that we needed to show our profile to both of these birth moms, and she made it happen. My family is amazing and I am so lucky to have their support. So we did it, we told our agency to show our profiles.

Baby Boy was selected to go to another family. Something that we were fine with as he was the one due so quickly and that thought really overwhelmed us. Our profile was shown to the birth mom of baby girl on Saturday, yesterday we got a call that she wanted to speak to us over the phone. Oh. Em. Gee.

Guys, she is amazing. A (birth mom) was so articulate and so sincere in her reasons for placing baby girl with another family. She has overcome some incredibly difficult situations and it is amazing that she is now overcoming this one as well. We just…clicked. After the phone call was over the case manager (who was listening in on the call) told us that birth mom calls rarely went that well. She was amazed at how comfortable both parties seemed and how confident A was.

Less than 10 minutes later we got the call. The. Call.

Baby Girl is due August 30th and will be placed with us after she is born. This is actually happening.

name

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Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Birth Mom, Celebration, If you're happy and you know it..., Trans-racial adoption

2nd Trimester

Back when we started our adoption process I was discussing with a friend how I didn’t feel ready to buy any baby related items yet. She asked why since we were working on our home study which would eventually lead to a baby. I had to tell her that even though theoretically yes, that is how it worked out, that it was too soon to shop. Because in my mind I was in the first trimester.

I figured the whole thing out. Your home study / adoption application is the first trimester. You are on the path to a take home baby, yet is still very early in the process so you don’t really want to get too emotionally attached to the thought, just in case.

The second trimester is the matching process. You’ve passed the test and been declared sane enough to be a parent! Congratulations! This is the time when you can loosely start making plans. Some basic purchases are made but your house has not yet become a total baby zone. You now start feeling more comfortable with the fact that there will most likely be a baby coming into your home soon.

The third trimester – matched. You have been selected by a birth mom and now know that you will shortly be a parent. You know the gender (usually) and when the baby is due. You frantically make sure you have everything you could possibly need for the new little life that is on its way. You decorate the nursery, pick out names, and anxiously await for your child to be born.

Well my friends, for the first time in my life I am in the 2nd trimester. We have been approved by both states we are working with, as well as the adoption agency and are officially in the matching process. Honestly I’m a little confused as to how this goes. Everyone says “you’ll just know” when it is the right situation. But what if I don’t know? What if I pass up on an opportunity because I didn’t have ‘that feeling’. Or vice versa, what if I jump the gun and in my haste get involved in a situation that was not “the one”. How do you know by a two-line sentence (i.e. african-american male, due late September, Birth mom has used…blah blah blah) that the child is your baby? Yes we can get more information if we decide to show her our profile, but still…that is a big decision.

I know I should be excited, and I am, I’m also just overwhelmed by how this happens. Of course I also have the fear of what if we never get picked. Tomorrow I will be calling our case manager and hopefully she will be able to clear up some of this for me. To celebrate I picked up a brand new pack-n-play and a baby k’tan wrap from a local garage sale. I got an amazing deal on both, I actually kinda hurried away after buying the sling because I was afraid for the guy who sold it to me, when his wife finds out what he sold it for I’m sure she won’t be happy. But I sure am!

So adoptive parents. Tell me…how did you know?

name

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Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Celebration, Trans-racial adoption

It is known

Back in December when we discovered that my last pregnancy was ectopic there were a few thoughts that came into my mind. Most of them where along the lines of “Why me?!?!?” but one particular though was “Shit, this means I’m going to have to do the HSG test again.” Sure enough, it was something my doctor recommend a week later. Then everything blew up, I landed in emergency surgery again, and it was discovered that the reason for my ectopic was clear, my tube had formed adhesions which had caused it to become stuck to my abdominal cavity in a looped shape. My surgeon again told me I needed to have the HSG test done. She tried her best to un-adhere the tube and get it in a normal shape but because of the delicate nature of fallopian tubes she had to be very careful, therefore she didn’t know if she was completely successful or not.

But I knew I was done. I knew as soon as I saw the positive pregnancy test for the 4th time that if it didn’t turn into a take-home baby, I was finished. I was broken at that point. I couldn’t even be excited about my BFP, I was so emotionally detached from the whole thing in order to protect myself. Then of course it was found to be ectopic and I was even more sure that I was done.

Right after my surgery we immediately began pursuing adoption. We poured ourselves into pamphlets, websites, and paperwork. So why bother with the test? Who cares if my tube was looped or damaged? I had no intention on using it again so why go through it all over?

The recommended that I have it done in March. But March came and went and I didn’t do it. By this point though, it was starting to creep into my mind. The “what if” of it all. I was firm in my decision to adopt but I felt like I couldn’t fully let go of the past until I knew for sure if it would ever be possible for us to naturally conceive again.

There were 3 results the test could give us:

  1. The tube was still looped inside my body making any naturally pregnancy that would occur an ectopic pregnancy.
  2. The tube was no longer looped, but the strain from the surgery and the ectopic pregnancy caused it permanent damage making it not viable.
  3. It was fine. Normal shaped, healthy and ready to go.

I can say that my instincts were screaming at me that the answer would be number 1. I felt positive that because of the surgeons less than confident attitude towards it made me feel that she was unable to un-loop the tube. I felt SO sure about this that I started discussing with my OB a more permanent form of birth control. Mainly an IUD. I told her that I can sometimes get careless with my BC and that if more ectopic pregnancies were in my future I had no plan of ever getting pregnant again. (To be truthful in my mind there will be no pregnancy regardless of the outcome but more on that later.) Her answer was simply “We need to do the HSG test”.

I needed to close the book on this chapter of my life. I have whole-heartedly accepted that my family will be formed through adoption. I feel no resentment over this, only excitement. But I still needed to know.

So I finally set the appointment. I went in feeling sick to my stomach. My first go at the HSG was not a pleasant experience. However this time, it wasn’t as bad. That may be due to the fact that I gratuitously took pain-killers that were left over from my surgery, but I digress. Unlike the first time though, the doctor did not give me the results straight away. He told me he had to take the films and magnify them, to really get an idea of what was going on. I had a good idea what was going on, but I thanked him and left.

Tonight I got a call from my OB with the results. My tube…is perfect. It is not looped, it is not damage, and I am in shock. I am still at a higher risk for and ectopic than most as I have already had one, but still…if I wanted to I could try again.

Right now, we don’t want to. Our adoption process is moving along beautifully and we have no desire to change our course. But guys, we have options now. Coming out of this, I did not expect to have any. Its odd getting good news for once.

name

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Filed under adoption, Celebration, Ectopic, Healing, Moving On