Category Archives: Crazy? I’m not crazy!

Microblog Monday: Approaching at Warp-Speed

We just got word today that they have scheduled our birth mom for an induction a whole week earlier than we had originally planned. 7 days which feels like both an incredible blessing as I am so impatient to meet our son, and also a curse because that is 7 days I just lost for getting ready. It puts us under an extreme time crunch for certain things like potty training Muppet (I’m planning on starting next week) and buying a new car. Our current car is a Honda 4 door. While perfectly adequate for everyday use and two car seats, it doesn’t work when we are planning on making long road trips as there is no space in the backseat for me to sit with the kids. We had been planning on getting a small SUV anyways for hiking purposes but originally we weren’t going to do so till after the baby. Now because of the scheduling change we will most likely be driving home after Interstate Compact clears which is a 12 hour drive (we will split it into 2 days). So any suggestions for a small SUV (think Toyota Rav4 or Suburu Outback) that has room in the backseat for 2 car seats and a mom? I also have some sewing projects that I desperately want to get done before the baby arrives. I am so excited to meet this little guy but there isn’t time for excitement right now. Be right back, must go have a panic attack.

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P.S. On the bright side I already have his bag packed and it makes me want to squeal with joy to look at all those time clothes.

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Filed under #microblogmonday, adoption, Baby Boy, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Stay At Home Mom

Another reason to hate April’s Fools Day

I’ve always hated April’s Fools Day, ever since I was young. I hate being the butt of other people’s jokes and I am far from a merry prankster. But infertility took my hate of this day to a whole new level. To be far social media is a huge part of the problem too. I dread waking up this day and opening up Facebook to see all the “joke” pregnancy announcements. Even though I knew they likely weren’t real, every single one of them was a punch to the gut. I never thought that anything would annoy me more but the past two years have proven me wrong.

My newest pet peeve about this day: People who make posts on April’s Fools Day telling people NOT to make fake pregnancy announcements.

My reasoning behind this is, at least from my experience, the people who make these posts saying how insensitive it is have absolutely no experience with infertility. Maybe this shouldn’t bug me but it really does. I mean it is good that people are starting to understand that infertility is extremely difficult emotionally, but it always seems like it is the ones who got pregnant ‘without trying’ that point this out. This almost feels like a double slap in the face to me. Is this completely irrational of me? I’m not sure that my anger even makes sense in my own mind. But whenever I see those posts I immediately feel rage boil inside of me.

So what do you guys think? Am I crazy here or is this a good thing that people are doing?

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Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Infertility, People suck, Pregnancy

#Microblog Monday: Pressure

Pushing down on me, pushing down on you, no man ask for.

Ahem. I mean, yeah. Sorry but sometimes you just gotta give into the Bowie. Anyways, ever since Muppet turned one I’ve felt a lot of pressure about different things. 3 things in particular: Having a second child (recoil), taking away her pacifier, switching from bottle to sippy cup.

Let’s start with the later. Muppet doesn’t know how to drink from a sippy. My intelligent child who astounds many with her genius (Yup, I’m THAT annoying mom), can not figure it out. She can drink from a straw, but she can’t tip a cup to drink from it. Go figure. My doctor wants her off bottles by 18 months, meaning I have 5 more months to go. I’m already dreading it.

Pacifier. A hot topic for many. Right now I feel no need to take it from her. Blah blah, it can ruin her teeth, blah blah. Right now I don’t care. She needs it. She is very attached to it, especially when she is upset. It quails many the tantrums so I feel no need to end that now.

Another baby. People know we struggled, they know she is adopted, so why do they assume we can just go ahead and get another one? I mean I really want another one, but life isn’t simple like that. Leave me alone people!

As a new parent I’m assuming this is only the beginning with certain pressures and I have to tell you, I don’t handle it well.

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Filed under #microblogmonday, adoption, BABIES!, Baby Girl, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Motherhood, People suck

Sleep Sanctuary

I’m  still here, I’m still alive. I know I totally went all dramatic about Muppet’s sleeping habits and then disappeared. But the past month has been a challenge. Lets just say things got much much worse before they got better. All of you had awesome advice and I took all of it in. We tried a lot of different things, putting her down earlier, going back to swaddling, adding solids, ect. But nothing seemed to help. After 2 particularly bad nights when she woke every 20-40 minutes I made a middle of the night decision…I was going to take away her pacifier for sleep times. Because that is why she was waking so frequently, as soon as we put the paci back in her mouth she went right back to sleep. But I had enough, it was not a good night and I knew things had to change. So I just did it. At 1 in the morning I decided the next time she woke she wasn’t getting it back.

At the same time we decided to do something I thought I’d never do, sleep train. Yes those dreaded words that are met with so much controversy. But I’m telling you, when you are in a heavily sleep deprived state, you’ll do anything to help the situation. I read a lot of different books and we ended up deciding on the Ferber Method. The chapter on sleep associations hit us hard, especially when he talked about a child with a need for a pacifier at night. J even substituted the child’s name for Muppet’s because it sounded so much like her.The method is basically graduated cry-it-out where you go in to soothe them at extended times. I won’t lie, the first night was awful. She was crying, I was in the living room crying, it was a bad situation. After 30 minutes I broke down and told J I couldn’t do it. That night I held her close so she knew I still loved her and let her fall asleep in my arms. A few days later my resolve strengthened again. That night it took her 10 minutes of crying to fall asleep, the next night was less than a minute, the third night she went down without a peep.

Now she goes down for naps and bedtime without any trouble. Sometimes she takes 10 minutes or so to fall asleep but she never cries. At this point she was sleeping from 9:00pm (the earlier bedtime did NOT work out. We tried and tried but she made it clear she was not ready to sleep that early so we went back to what worked for us.) till 7:30am with 2-3 wake ups. Two of them I would feed her, and let her self soothe the third time. After a few weeks of this improved schedule I came to a realization, we were waking her up. She was such a heavy sleeper as an infant that it never occurred to me that we would be able to wake her by rolling over in our bed, but we were. So with a heavy heart we moved her from the pack n’ play in our room to her crib in her own room. I shouldn’t have worried at all! It has been an amazing transition! She loves her room and her crib. The first week she woke 2 times during the night to eat and then went right back to sleep, but even better, recently she has gone back to her pre-sleep troubles schedule of waking only once per night! I hope posting this isn’t jinxing it but we are so thrilled that all 3 of us are now getting a lot more sleep. We are all happier for it.

So for now we are in the clear. Our little girl turns 6 (!!!) months old next week and is such a joy. She is rolling and scooting around, desperately wanting to crawl but having trouble figuring out that she needs to use her arms to do so. She loves her daddy so much that it makes my heart burst to watch them together. We couldn’t have gotten luckier, she is such an amazing little girl. And for now at least, well rested.

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Filed under Baby Girl, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, If you're happy and you know it..., Living Life, Motherhood, Sleep training

What the future holds

I’ve noticed lately that a lot of infertile bloggers who have found their way to their babies have come to a brave decision. That once they get that long-awaited baby, they were done. They have their babies, whether singletons or twins, and call it quits because who wants to go through that mess again? We are lucky to get our babies.

I desperately wish sometimes that I could reach the same conclusion. But J and I are in agreement that our family is not complete and we really don’t want Muppet to be an only child. There is nothing wrong with this at all, both of us just grew up with a lot of siblings so to us that idea is totally foreign. But I can’t shake the idea that we are not done.

As I mentioned in my last post, J and I have been thinking a lot about how we want to continue to build our family now that Muppet is here. If you had asked me at the beginning of this year what our plans were I would have answered firmly and quickly. We would adopt two children and consider ourselves very blessed. Done. Story over.

During this time J agreed with my plan, except he would always sneak in that we could try for a third child naturally. I politely nodded my head and told him “Yeah, maybe.” All the while thinking that there was no way in hell that I would ever try to conceive again. I figured after we had adopted our second child I would find a way to tell him that I just couldn’t go through it again. We would have our family and all would be well.

Enter Muppet. This amazing little girl has changed my life, but she has also done something I never thought possible…she makes me want to have a baby.

Crazy no? I have no idea where this feeling comes from. I was sure about never getting pregnant again, there was not a shred of doubt. So why all the sudden do I want it again?

I don’t know. Typing it out makes me feel really crazy. I just can’t shake the feeling though. I know I’d have to go into it with a very different mindset, a very depressing one. I’d have to go into it knowing that I will likely have more miscarriages. I’d have to be detached. How horrible is that?

I’m not ready now. No way. I’m still too damaged. Plus I’m soaking up all the precious moments I have with Muppet. I refuse to remember the first portion of her life being tainted with my losses. I want to remember all these moments with her in complete joy. She is growing so fast, I already miss the little baby I brought home from the hospital. But I smell her head, touch her soft skin, and I know that she won’t be my only baby.

I’m so grateful for adoption. It has blessed my life so much and I truly can’t imagine life without Muppet. I know without a shred of doubt that she was always meant to be my child. I had to go through a hell of a lot to get her, but it was always supposed to be her. But now I feel like maybe there is another baby that I’m supposed to have as well and maybe, just maybe, that child is supposed to be carried by me.

We could do another adoption. It is always an option. I have just a few hesitancies, the big one being the money. It is incredibly expensive. I know we would only be able to do one more at most. The other is the idea of having two birth moms is a little overwhelming. I love A. She gave me the greatest gift anyone could have ever given me, but that doesn’t make the situation easy.

It will be awhile till I make any final decision, but as of right now I know what I want. I want something I never thought I would want again. And that really scares me.

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Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Healing, Infertility, Miscarriage, Motherhood, Pregnancy, RPL

Hi! I’m a drama queen

Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful comments on my post last night. They meant a lot.

I have officially calmed my ass down and now I feel like a huge drama queen. Last night I was feeling very emotional and vulnerable, so the whole situation seemed much worse and woe-is-me than it really is.

This morning I spoke with my adoption agency. I received 2 phone calls before 10 o’clock apologizing for the delay and with a perfectly reasonable explanation. They answered all my questions and put me back at ease with the confidence that our profile should start being shown within the next 2 weeks as long as J and I work our asses off on our scrapbook this weekend.

I also got an e-mail from our home study coordinator letting us know that the supervisor is signing off on the report tomorrow and then everything will be sent out to our agency. She verified the address that all the paperwork will be sent to so I am feeling confident that it will all be in the mail by the end of the week.

So yeah. Drama queen. Sorry about that.

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Filed under adoption, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Home Study

Sucker Punched

Let me start by saying I am excited about our upcoming adoption. Thrilled actually. J and I are in a better place then we have been in a very, very long time. I can’t tell you how many nights J turns to me and says “Can we get the baby tonight?” or “I’m ready for our sweet baby!” Yes he calls our future baby ‘Sweet Baby’. Endearing no?

So why is it, when I am in a good place and excited, that it still feels like a punch to the stomach when someone else announces their pregnancy?

My cousin, who is 6 months younger than me and got married less than a year ago announced her pregnancy last night. To her credit, she was extremely concerned about how I found out. She actually had my mom tell me (I don’t live in the same state as her so I rarely see or talk to her) when she was around 7 weeks, and she didn’t announce on FB till 12 weeks. So I knew it was coming, I knew her due date, I knew all of this…but it still hurt.

I sent her a private message congratulating her and thanking her for letting me know before hand but the whole time I felt like I was lying. I HATE being this person. I should be happy, I mean she was my first friend in life. I can’t tell you how many sleep overs we had. During college we went to Australia together for 3 weeks, just the two of us. She waited a long time to get married and I was thrilled when she found her husband. I should be happy because the way things are going, it looks like we will be raising babies at the same time. We will be able to talk and share tips about sleep training, strollers, ect.

That part I am excited for, I guess it is just the thought that she is going to get to have an experience that I want so badly that bothers me. I have a very odd opinion about pregnancy at the moment. Honestly, it scares the shit out of me. I don’t know if I ever want to be pregnant again, too much can go wrong, too much pain can come from it. Yet, I am so envious of those who unknowingly get to have this amazing experience that I will never get to have. The ones who become pregnant and twiddle their thumbs throughout the whole thing not understanding what a miracle it is. Most of all I envy that they get to see the physical manifestation of their relationship with their partner.

That is the one thing I haven’t quite come to terms with yet. That I will never get to see that mix of me and J. That he will never get to look at his child and see himself in their little face. He could. He could with someone else, just not with me.

To clarify I am in no way ‘settling’ with an adopted child. I am already so crazy about the baby that is going to come into our home. I’ve even found myself wandering through the baby sections at stores and browsing through onesies, something I never let myself do when I was pregnant. The fact that we are bringing this child into our home feels me with so much joy. To see J excited in a way he never was during our TTC time brings me joy. This all is such a happy time for us. It is truly where I want to be.

But I’m still jealous. And I really, really wish I wasn’t.

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Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Depression, Family, Infertility, Moving On