Category Archives: Depression

Faith

I don’t know how much I’ve written on this blog about religion. I try to stay away from topics like that because to me faith is a very personal thing. I’m writing this because God has been on my mind a lot lately and I really feel the need to let some things out. I should probably be doing this with a therapist but figured a couple hundred internet strangers will work!

Both J and I were raised LDS (mormon). Yup, one of those ‘weirdos’. Despite what some may think it is not a cult, and for the most part the church is made up of really wonderful people. There are things that I very much disagree with that the church teaches, but there are also some things that I really like. Despite that both of us have distanced ourselves from the religion and do not actively practice any organized faith. I’ve maintained a belief in God since distancing myself from the church. I’ve always subscribed to the idea that if you are a good person and try your best in this life, that you do not necessarily need to be a part of a church in order to please God. My God is a loving God. Not one to be fearful of.

I was raised with the idea that we are all give ‘trials’ in this life. That we will struggle and that by overcoming these struggles we will become stronger and better people. I was told that God would never give us a trial that we were not able to overcome. That right there is where I lost my faith.

I’ve only ever wanted to be a mother. I never had plans of college or career. I was going to be a mom, end of story. Convenient then that my trial in life seem to be infertility. Infertility killed my relationship with God. If He thought I could overcome this and become a better person than He was wrong. I’ve come a long way with accepting my situation since Muppet was born. But I am far from over it. I don’t think I ever will be. The bitterness resides within me and every so often it bubbles over, despite how hard I try to suppress it. And most of that bitterness is directed to God.

WHY did this have to be my trial? Of all the things in the world, why this? Maybe that makes me sound like a horrible person because I know there are a lot worse things out there than not being able to have a child but I can’t help but feel this way. It is the only thing I ever wanted. The only thing I ever asked Him for.

I’m especially bitter about my 2nd pregnancy. The other 3 were hard to lose, it is never easy to lose something you want so desperately. But I lost them early, early enough that I hadn’t become too attached. I still was able to maintain some sanity afterwards. But that 2nd one. It still hurts. I saw that heartbeat THREE times. If He was going to take my baby away from me why did He leave it long enough for me to see that? Why did He let me come to love that baby so much? I still have my ultrasound pictures. They are tucked away in a drawer and I still haven’t been able to bring myself to throw them away. I don’t think I let on to anyone how much that loss damaged me, even you guys. There was a very real time that I was suicidal. I was so hurt that I just wanted it to end. I thought it would be better for J, he could find someone else that wasn’t so broken. I don’t really know how I over came that, but I did. I now realize how scary my life was back then. I should have reached out to someone but I didn’t.

We had some missionaries from the church visit us this week. They are nice boys and we hold no grudge towards the church so we always let them in to chat. During our discussion they talked about answered prayers and the whole time all I could think about was all the nights I spent on my knees praying that my baby would survive. Obviously those prayers went very much unanswered. It almost made me mad at these two boys. I know that they are young and that their life experience is rather limited so I didn’t mention my anger. I know they wouldn’t have the answers for me anyways and it wasn’t their fault. They are just doing what they believe is right. But ever since they left I can’t shake all these thoughts that are running through my head.

I hate living with this hanging over my head. I can feel the bitterness inside me and it almost disturbs me. I am not an angry or vengeful person by nature. I like to think the best of people and the world. But the longer this goes on the more I question if I will ever be able to get past it. For some people living without faith might not seem like a big deal, but to me it is. It scares me more than I think I’m willing to admit out loud. It has always been a part of who I am and even though I have distanced myself from organized religion, my faith has always been something that I have used to help guide me through life. I want Muppet to have a belief system. I don’t care which one, she is free to choose, but I want her to believe in something. Right now I feel like I can’t expect that of her though, because I’m not sure if I believe anymore. I want to get past this, but I just don’t think I’m strong enough.

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Filed under Depression, Infertility, Miscarriage, Motherhood, RPL

Adoption Aftermath

When we adopted Muppet my whole world changed. Not only did I become a mother, but all the feelings of anguish and pain caused by infertility suddenly went away. Well not totally away, I don’t think anyone who has gone through infertility doesn’t have at least a few scars, but overall she managed to cover all that hurt up. I no longer saw pregnant women on the street and felt a burning hate. I didn’t see a newborn and want to collapse into tears of longing. She became my world and the blinders she put up made me feel more normal than I had in a long time.

Eventually the blinders came off though. Not to say I’ve totally regressed, the sight of babies no longer pains me. All I see is their squishy little bodies and tiny features that fill me with memories of when my baby was that small and scrunchy. I love babies, I always have. There is something about being around a newborn that breathes life into me and now I am back to enjoying their presence in my world.

But pregnancy is a whole other story. It’s not the same as it was before. There is no hatred when I see round bellies or an announcement online. But there is a huge sense of sadness on my part. In my head this all makes sense. I don’t have a problem with babies because I had a baby. I got to experience the newborn snuggles and smell her delicious head. I got to cuddle her all day long and watch her grow with each passing day. So I don’t feel jealous of that anymore. Maybe a hope that I will get to do it again, but not jealousy.

I didn’t get the pregnancy. This is the one thing I still struggle with. I am SO grateful that I get to be Muppet’s Mama. J and I constantly ask ourselves how we got so lucky. She is everything we could have ever wanted in a child and more. She is without a doubt my child, regardless of the fact that I didn’t create her. But I still have issues with the fact that the first 9 months of her existence was spent with another. I didn’t feel her move in me or get to see any ultrasound pictures. That guts me.

Lately I’ve been having pregnancy dreams again. I haven’t had them in almost 2 years. But this week I’ve had two of them. Both of the dreams involved me being far enough along that I could feel the baby moving inside of me. I don’t know what it is about that simple thing that I crave so much, but I do believe that many take it for granted. In my mind it is so incredibly magical and I hate that I most likely will never get to experience that. Those dreams are so joyful in the moment, knowing that I have a healthy thriving baby within me. As happy as they are at the time though, I wish they’d stop. Because they feel like a kick to the stomach every time I wake and they are not real.

It might be weighing more on my mind now that Muppet is getting older too. I know many people who go through infertility and adoption decide that the one child (or pregnancy) is enough. They don’t try for anymore and raise an only child. I applaud those people. Truly. I think it takes amazing strength to make such a confident decision about your family. But I’ve never been able to reach the same conclusion. J and I both have many siblings so the thought of an only child is completely foreign to us. I honestly don’t know if I even know anybody who is an only child oddly enough. So for us it has never really been in our minds to not have a sibling for Muppet. We know we won’t do more than 2 adoptions. The cost alone makes that difficult. Add on the emotional baggage and I just know I don’t have it in me for more than 2. We want our children to be as close in age as possible, which is tricky with adoption as you don’t have a lot of control over the matter.

Most adoption agencies want you to wait till your first child is 1 before starting the process again. This is to encourage bonding and also to make sure that the adoption process ‘settles’ before starting another. Muppet turned one last month, yet I haven’t been able to convince myself to get going. I don’t know what is holding me back. Part of me is fearful that it will take over our lives and that Muppet won’t be getting what she needs from me. On the other hand I can’t fathom a situation where she wasn’t my number one priority. The mind works in a funny way.

The pregnancy dreams and jealousy don’t help. It only screws my mind up further and makes me hesitate more. I wish I was one of those women who seemed so confident after adoption. Every other adoptive mother I know seems to have it SO together when it comes to this stuff. I don’t hear any of them talk in a way that even hints that they are struggling in the same way that I am. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me. It also makes me feel ungrateful. I know how lucky I am. If I had to go through everything I went through before Muppet was born I would. Because it led me to her.

This whole thing leaves me in such an awkward spot. I’ve given myself a deadline, enjoy the rest of the year and the holidays with my amazing baby girl, the start getting our adoption stuff together and ready in January. I’m hoping that by doing this I can sort out the pregnancy issues / jealousy that is rolling around in my head. For any other adoptive moms out there – How did you completely grieve the loss of possible pregnancies? Are my feelings normal or is this something that you had already resolved by the time of your first adoption?

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Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Depression, Healing, Infertility, Miscarriage, Motherhood, Pregnancy

I need to vent

I feel so helpless and frustrated at the moment. When we started our home study we were told it would take 8-10 weeks to complete. We are now 16 weeks in and still have not received the final approval. It is sitting on the home study supervisor’s desk probably just waiting for a damn signature. It has been there for over a week. How hard is this?

On top of that we are working on our adoption agency papers and we have a few questions. So I call my contact with the agency and leave a message yesterday morning. No call. I wait till 4:30 today, still haven’t received a call so I left yet another message. I seriously need around 3 minutes of their time and I can’t get a hold of them. Not to mention this is the only contact number I have to them. So I went online, and of course it is also the only number listed on their website, and sent an e-mail explaining that I need another way to contact them and how frustrating it is to not get a call back 2 days in a row.

I’m seriously fuming right now. It’s easy for them not to be in a rush because it is not their adoption, meanwhile I’m over here trying to hold myself together because everyday these things don’t get done is another day until we finally have a baby. I need this to happen guys. Everyday I have to see others around me with their children or have people ask me how the adoption is going, hurts me a little more. J even suggested tonight that if we can’t get a hold of our agency that we start looking for different ones. This makes me feel like I’m going to have a panic attack because other agencies are, at bare minimum, a year wait. This one is 5 months at the longest.

My cousin texted me the other day saying she and her husband will be in town around the 4th of July and the want to go to dinner with us. Whenever they’ve been in town in the past we’ve always gotten together with them, but this time I can’t stand the thought. She’ll be around 6 months. I feel like an awful person but I really don’t want to see that. The thought of it clenches my stomach. I haven’t responded and its been almost a week. So I’m pretty sure she knows I’m avoiding her. Again, making me feel like an awful person.

Is this ever going to end? Not to sound like a narcissistic bitch, but I feel like I’ve earned the happy ending. Haven’t I’ve gone through enough? I just want move on to the next chapter of my life.

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Filed under adoption, Depression, Family, Home Study, Just my luck, People suck

The Waiting Game

I know it has been awhile since I posted. That fact that I haven’t posted anything in weeks has been looming over me, making me feel guilty. I’m not sure why I feel guilty, I’m sure none of you are holding it against me, but still I feel it.

Truth is, the adoption process is kinda boring. It is pretty much one big wait. Sure we did have our final social worker visit a few weeks ago but really it was not that exciting. We now have baby locks on all the drawers in our house which seems ironic since we have no idea when we will get a baby but you do what you got to do. Everything went well, our social worker told us she was going to approve us, now we just wait for her to write up the report. She has 45 days from the last visit which  puts us at June 12th. After that it should only be a matter of weeks till our profile is shown.

And there you have it. My exciting life.

With Mother’s Day  around the corner I’m trying my hardest to forget that I should have my baby in my arms right now. I know the baby I’m supposed to have is on its way but I still never forget the ones that are missing from my life. I think I just wish I felt like an expecting mother. With pregnancy you get this epic build up to the baby (whether good or bad) but with adoption you just get a ton of paperwork and the a bunch of waiting and uncertainty. It just doesn’t feel like I will finally be getting a baby this year. It feels like I’m going through the motions, yet again, but I will end up disappointed…again.

So when will this start feeling real for me? I’m worried that all my losses have screwed me up so badly that I am incapable of ever accepting that things can work out. J always says things like “when we get the baby…” And I do too, but in my head it feels like I’m lying when I say it. I feel broken. And I’m wondering if that will ever go away.

 

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Filed under adoption, Depression, Home Study, Infertility

Sucker Punched

Let me start by saying I am excited about our upcoming adoption. Thrilled actually. J and I are in a better place then we have been in a very, very long time. I can’t tell you how many nights J turns to me and says “Can we get the baby tonight?” or “I’m ready for our sweet baby!” Yes he calls our future baby ‘Sweet Baby’. Endearing no?

So why is it, when I am in a good place and excited, that it still feels like a punch to the stomach when someone else announces their pregnancy?

My cousin, who is 6 months younger than me and got married less than a year ago announced her pregnancy last night. To her credit, she was extremely concerned about how I found out. She actually had my mom tell me (I don’t live in the same state as her so I rarely see or talk to her) when she was around 7 weeks, and she didn’t announce on FB till 12 weeks. So I knew it was coming, I knew her due date, I knew all of this…but it still hurt.

I sent her a private message congratulating her and thanking her for letting me know before hand but the whole time I felt like I was lying. I HATE being this person. I should be happy, I mean she was my first friend in life. I can’t tell you how many sleep overs we had. During college we went to Australia together for 3 weeks, just the two of us. She waited a long time to get married and I was thrilled when she found her husband. I should be happy because the way things are going, it looks like we will be raising babies at the same time. We will be able to talk and share tips about sleep training, strollers, ect.

That part I am excited for, I guess it is just the thought that she is going to get to have an experience that I want so badly that bothers me. I have a very odd opinion about pregnancy at the moment. Honestly, it scares the shit out of me. I don’t know if I ever want to be pregnant again, too much can go wrong, too much pain can come from it. Yet, I am so envious of those who unknowingly get to have this amazing experience that I will never get to have. The ones who become pregnant and twiddle their thumbs throughout the whole thing not understanding what a miracle it is. Most of all I envy that they get to see the physical manifestation of their relationship with their partner.

That is the one thing I haven’t quite come to terms with yet. That I will never get to see that mix of me and J. That he will never get to look at his child and see himself in their little face. He could. He could with someone else, just not with me.

To clarify I am in no way ‘settling’ with an adopted child. I am already so crazy about the baby that is going to come into our home. I’ve even found myself wandering through the baby sections at stores and browsing through onesies, something I never let myself do when I was pregnant. The fact that we are bringing this child into our home feels me with so much joy. To see J excited in a way he never was during our TTC time brings me joy. This all is such a happy time for us. It is truly where I want to be.

But I’m still jealous. And I really, really wish I wasn’t.

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Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Depression, Family, Infertility, Moving On

I’m a lying liar that lies.

Hair stylists are much more than someone who just cuts your hair. Often times we play the psuedo-therapist. We hear all about your life, family, problems and much more. The problem is when the questions then turn on us. For the most part I try to keep my personal life out of conversations when I am with a client. I ask them questions about themselves and try to learn more about them while keeping myself out of the line of fire. But there is one questions that I can’t seem to avoid. “So do you have kids?”

It must be because people see my wedding ring while they are watching me cut their hair, but that is almost always the first question I get. Now you all know that I have no problem sharing my reproductive woes, hell if you meet me on the street and we strike up a conversation there is a good chance you will hear all about my uterus and it’s inability to procreate. But with this new job I’m trying to give myself a clean slate and of course trying to avoid my clients thinking I’m some psychotic girl who talks about her reproductive organs to strangers, because let’s face it, I want them to keep coming to me so I can make money.

No one at my job knows about our issues, this is the first time in almost 2 years that this has been the case. I haven’t brought up kids, adoption, or anything of the sort to anyone I work with. But that damn questions feels like a punch in the gut every single time. I try to keep it simple by saying “No” or “Not yet”. If they press on I tell them we are thinking about it as if it hasn’t been all of thought about every minute of every day for the last 2 years. They usually ask how long I’ve been married, I tell them and they say something along the lines of “Oh you still have plenty of time” or “Enjoy it while it lasts!”. At this point I have to resist the urge to cut a few special designs of my own making on the back of their scalp.

Again, they don’t know what we’ve gone through, or just how broken of a person I really am. So it isn’t fair to be upset by these comments. It’s more about how I feel like I’m denying that my babies were ever a part of me. I hate acting like they never existed. They did. They are so deeply engraved on my heart that at times I feel as though it is going to burst from missing them so much. I also worry that when we do finally bring a baby into our home that I won’t have enough room in my heart for them. What if part of me will be forever in mourning for the babes that I never got a chance to know? I just hate this. It’s not fair that I don’t get to brag about my babies but instead I hide them away so that I don’t make things “awkward” for people.

National Infertility Awareness Week is coming up April 21st-27th and I for one plan on making a statement about it. Keiko over at The Infertility Voice made some awesome Facebook cover photos to show that infertility is a much bigger problem than most people realize. I will be posting one as well as coming clean about what we have been through. Most of my friends probably know as when we did the fundraiser to help with our adoption we were very honest about everything, however I want to stand up and stop hiding this part of me away. I know there are so many women (and men) out there that are struggling but too afraid to reach out. Instead we remain silent while secretly crying over every pregnancy announcement on Facebook. If I can get even 1 of my fertile friends to maybe second guess posting an ultrasound picture or refrain from posting how hard pregnancy is for them then I will feel as though I accomplished something.

In the mean time, unfortunately, I will have to keep up the facade of “thinking about” starting a family at work. I’m not ready for my co-workers to know about this, especially since I’m still not out of my 90 day probation period and the last thing I need is for them to feel like I’m going to be leaving for maternity leave soon (which is entirely possible). I’ll tell them, but not until our home study is done and I feel a little more secure in my position.

So does anyone have any helpful hints on how I can refrain from balding my clients? Maybe I need anger management classes…

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Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Depression, Healing, Infertility, Miscarriage, Moving On, People suck, RPL

His Day

Today is MB’s due date. MB, my sweet boy.

I know realistically that he probably would not have been born today. If he was anything like either one of his parents he would have been stubborn as hell and refused to come out until I was begging him for mercy. Oh, how I wish I was begging him.

MB, today I want you to know how much I love you. There is not a single day that passes that I do not think of you. What you would have been like, how you would look, how much your family would have adored you. Some people won’t understand the connection I feel to you. But the moment I saw your little heartbeat you had me wrapped around your non-existent fingers. I also want you to know that as we bring children into our home, they will not be to replace you. No one could ever do that. In my mind you will always be my first child. They will be your brothers and sisters and I know they will always have their big brother looking out for them.

I’m trying not to be sad today. Yet even as I type this I can’t a few tears. Instead I want to treasure the happy moments we had with you. Because YOU were the best part of my year last year. Without a doubt. The few weeks I got to spend with you are weeks I will treasure the rest of my life.

All my love,

Mama

 

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Filed under Depression, Healing, Miscarriage, Moving On