Category Archives: Family

Post Birth

I really can’t believe how long it has taken me to write-up this whole story. I truly didn’t anticipate how adding a second child to our family would turn our lives into a whirlwind. Otis will be 8 weeks old in two days! Time for Mama to stop slacking.

—————————————————–

Things were quite different with this adoption, as I had mentioned. It was at the same hospital, the same agency, even the same birth mom, yet everything had changed. When we adopted Muppet the hospital was extremely accommodating to adoptive parents. I received a wrist band to the nursery and we were given our own room so that we could stay in the hospital with our daughter and have her with us at all times. But due to an unusual circumstance involving adoptive parents about a year ago, the hospital now does not allow any of this. Meaning we were only allowed in the nursery (and hospital) during visiting hours (7am – 8pm) and we weren’t even allowed to wheel Otis from the nursery to A’s room without an escort. We were constantly watched when with the baby. Even in the nursery, they gave us a room to hang out in for “privacy” but it had a big window right in sight of the nurses station and they constantly checked on us.

We were a bit shocked by all this. The agency didn’t tell us any of this before hand, so we came prepared for an overnight stay. Once they told us all this I couldn’t help but feel upset. I was expected to leave my brand new baby, who technically wasn’t even mine yet, in the nursery all night. In my head I knew there was no safer place for him, surrounded by nurses, but it still hurt. A was pretty understanding about all of it. She let us stay with the baby in her room till about 10:30 that first night and would have let us stay longer, but we finally decided it was best to go home and let everyone rest up for the next day. I had a hard time sleeping that night, wishing I could hold my baby. We set our alarms for early and got to the hospital right as visiting hours started.  We hung out in the nursery till A called us around 8:30 and invited us back into her room. The whole thing was a bit awkward. We just kinda sat around watching TV and holding the baby. A seemed to put up a huge wall regarding Otis. To this day she has never even held him.

Finally it was time for the signing. I’d like to say I wasn’t nervous this time around, but I think it is impossible not to be in that situation. But it went as smoothly as that kind of thing could go. It was over pretty quickly and A’s parental rights were terminated. We weren’t sure if she would want to see us afterwards but we were immediately invited back in. She was in a bit of pain since she was not allowed to take any pain killers for 6 hours prior to the signing. We gave her a small gift, a necklace with an infinity charm and both kids birth stones. This was the first moment that I saw emotion out of her and she broke down crying. We decided to give her some space and took the baby to the nursery and the private room. Another thing that was frustrating about the hospital’s new policies, our families were not allowed to come visit. Even though the papers were signed since we were not patients we could not have visitors and they would not allow us to take the baby home until A was discharged.

After a few hours in our nursery solitude my parents brought Muppet and took us out for a quick dinner. They were disappointed they couldn’t come in, as was I since I had a whole vision of Muppet meeting her brother in my mind, but were in good spirits. It was so good to see my girl. I hugged her tight and told her all about her new brother. She proudly wore her “Big Sister” shirt and looked at all the pictures I had of him on my phone. While we were at dinner we received some awful news, A had developed some kind of infection and developed a fever, meaning she would not be discharged the following day as planned. We would not get to bring the baby home. I blame the emotional rollercoaster of adoption for how I reacted but I completely broke down. As horrible as I felt for A I wanted to bring my baby home. He needed to be with his family not in a nursery, and I also needed to be with my daughter whom I was missing terribly. I felt so torn between my two babies. But they were adamant that they would not release Otis till A was released. That was a hard night. We made a decision on how we would handle the rest of the hospital stay by breaking up shifts with each of the kids. I would go to the hospital in the morning while J stayed with Muppet, then I’d come home for lunch and we’d switch. I left the hospital when visiting hours were over feeling so deflated.

I again rose early and got right to the hospital to be with my baby. I had the nurses let A know I was there in case she wanted to see me but decided to give her as much privacy as I could so she could hopefully heal. After a few hours she requested to see me – just me. She didn’t want to see the baby. I was determined to be optimistic when I saw her, after all she was in pain and none of this was her fault. I told her our plan for splitting up time at the hospital and with the kids. I wanted to make sure she knew we were not neglecting Muppet during all this craziness. She was very understanding and told me something that gave me a lot of hope, that she was possibly going to request that we take the baby home before she was released. I didn’t push her, but tried to let her know how much we would appreciate that. I stayed with her about 45 min. before heading back to be with Otis.

By lunch time I still hadn’t heard anything so I was preparing to go home and switch shifts with J. As I was starting to get ready my case worker called me, A had indeed requested that we take the baby home. I was overjoyed but quickly found that it wasn’t that simple. This was literally never done. Everyone was baffled when they found out we would be taking Otis home before A was released. What followed was a long few hours and getting approvals between the hospital , adoption agency, and the doctors. But at last…it was time. I packed my bitty boy into his car seat and went to bid A farewell. She was surprisingly calm during everything. I thanked her profusely and made sure she knew we weren’t abandoning her and that we could come back to visit if she wished. We hugged and I was finally able to bring my boy home.

It wasn’t exactly what I planned…I got home and there was no one else there. My mom, J and Muppet were out getting diapers. My dad was still at work. So Otis and I arrived to an empty house. But soon we heard the garage door open and I knew it was time to introduce Muppet to her new brother. It was a sweet moment, even if it wasn’t how I wanted it to be. She immediately wanted to hold him and kept calling him “Baby Brother”. Seeing my two babies together was so incredible. I found it hard to believe that all of this was real.

Settling with a newborn is challenging, doing it with a 2-year-old is even more difficult. Not to mention we were still dealing with A being in the hospital and making sure we were still communicating with her. The day after we went home she asked if we could bring her dinner – and bring the kids with us. This was so scary for us. It would be the first time A had seen Muppet since we left the hospital almost 2 years ago. We had no idea how this was going to go. But we agreed and headed out.

Walking down the hall to her room I felt sick. I was just so incredibly nervous. I went in first to make sure she was ready and then J came in with Muppet and Otis. A immediately lit up upon seeing Muppet. She was clearly enchanted by her. Muppet was very hesitant to enter the room. At 21 months there was no way to prepare her for this, she is too young to understand. But gradually we got her to warm up by giving her snacks and playing games. She paraded around the room singing songs and showing off her baby sign language. She wouldn’t go to A, which I was worried would upset her, but A seemed to understand. She told me she was glad that she was hesitant around strangers and so connected to us. I was also worried about Muppet openly calling me “Mommy” but again A took it in stride. She told us over and over how amazed she was by Muppet. She said she was so smart and that she never could have given Muppet what we were obviously giving her. We stayed for about an hour and it was probably my favorite part of this whole adoption. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off our shoulders. Seeing how happy it made A to see Muppet reassured us that our relationship with her would remain positive. As we left we all gave A a big hug, I held Muppet and brought her to A so she could kiss her head. We left knowing it would be a very long time before we saw each other again.

I spoke to A a few days later and she told me how much it meant to her to see all of us together. She said she had also been concerned about how seeing Muppet again would make her feel, but it actually made her feel better about her decisions. She said she knew she had done the right thing for both Muppet and Otis and that our family was beautiful. A is beautiful. She is a wonderful person who has ended up in some crappy situations. But she is a wonderful mother who knows when she isn’t enough for her children. That takes more strength than most people have.

We are a family of 4 now. It has been an incredibly crazy journey, but little Otis has competed us. We feel so grateful to have him in our lives as well as Muppet. We are truly blessed.

———————————————————————————-

I know I said I’d post pictures but right now I just don’t feel like it is something I should do. However I am a crazy Instagrammer. So if you would like to see pictures of Otis and Muppet feel free to follow me @a.trisha. It is a private account so I just request that you send me a direct message saying you follow my blog so I can approve you. Thank you all so much for all the support you’ve given me over the years. I love this community and feel so grateful to have been apart of it.

name

Advertisements

7 Comments

Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Baby Boy, Baby Girl, Birth Mom, Family, Motherhood, Trans-racial adoption

The last week

Time is precious. The closer we get to the birth of Baby Boy, the more I realize how fleeting moments with Muppet are. I’m feeling an odd sort of nostalgia, or maybe it is guilt. I can’t quite tell. I think it is because we fly out next week, so this week is essentially the last time it is just her and me. We’ve become a bit of a Girl’s Club and I’m finding it very hard to let that go. Of course I’m so excited to meet our boy, but I’m very aware that the times  are changing and I’m never going to get this time back with Muppet again.

I think a large part of it is due to the fact that as of this moment, Baby Boy is mythical. I’ve heard he is coming, I’ve prepared for it, but I find it a little hard to believe. Whereas my daughter is living and breathing right before my very eyes and I hate the though of losing the bond I have with her even a little bit. I know once he is here, most of these thoughts will likely disappear and that I will be so thrilled to add a new member to our little club. So for now I’m just trying to soak up these last few days with Muppet. My incredible little girl whom I treasure above all else.

———————————————

Our home study was finalized last week and we are pretty much set to go. Muppet and I will fly out 6 days before the induction date and J will drive up a few days later. He just has to wrap a few things up at work. So we are crossing our fingers and toes that A does not go into labor before he arrives. Hopefully she makes it to the induction date, as that gives a little more time to prepare and process everything that is about to happen. I think of her every single day and wonder how she is managing. I know she is struggling a lot, I don’t know how you couldn’t be struggling in this situation, but she says she is 100% sure about placement so I’m trying not to worry. Not that that is really possible, even though I trust her, I’m still so scared she is going to change her mind.

But she is stronger that I know I would be in this situation. She has already proven to us how strong she is and how much she cares about her children. We couldn’t ask for a better birth mom. As of right now she is set on meeting Muppet the night before the induction, which totally freaks me out but of course it is something I will honor. I’m just hoping she realizes that Muppet isn’t even 2 yet, so she doesn’t do well with people she doesn’t know. I don’t want her to become upset if Muppet won’t let her hold her, it won’t be anything personal, she is just a toddler. She is too young to understand who A is and I hope A will be able to accept that.

———————————————-

I’m not sure if anyone noticed (probably not) but I took down all pictures that showed Muppet’s face. I all of a sudden became very aware of how public I was making myself and it freaked me out. I’d be shocked it at least a few people who know me in real life haven’t found this blog, but still. This is my safe place and I need it to stay that way. Therefore I will be making a few blog posts that are password protected. These might contain pictures of the kids, or they might just be things that are really personal and that I don’t want floating around for anyone to find. I have NO problem giving the password out, especially if you’ve been following me a long time. If you see a password protected post and would like access, shoot me an e-mail (go to the ‘about me’ section at the top and there is a contact form) and I’ll respond as soon as possible. I know a lot of you will likely want to see pictures of Baby Boy once he is here so I’ll put those up under a password. But worry not, my normal every day rantings will remain wide open for all to judge. I anticipate very few protected posts, but I did want to make people aware.

 

name

8 Comments

Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Baby Boy, Baby Girl, Birth Mom, Family, Stay At Home Mom, Trans-racial adoption

Nothing.

Since Muppet was born I’ve had a lot easier time dealing with other people’s pregnancies. Although it no longer sent me into a spiraling pool of depression when someone announced they were expecting, there was still a small knot that formed in my stomach that was filled with jealousy. I still have a really hard time with things like ultrasound photos on FB, mostly because that is something I’ll never get. I’ve never seen an ultrasound picture of Muppet and I doubt I will see one of Baby Boy.

But something has changed for me since we found out we were going to be getting Baby Boy in a few months. Since then I’ve found out about 2 pregnancies, one a relative and one a friend. These are both people who have never gone through infertility and conceived pretty much right after they started trying. In the past this has felt so unfair to me and would take days if not weeks to get over. But do you know what I felt this time? Nothing.

Seriously. No knot, no jealousy, no pain. I felt happy for them and their growing families (both are expecting their second child). It as if the news of our second child’s arrival has eased that burden from me. We’ve already decided that we are only have two children so no there is no question on how our second child will come to us. That knowledge has set me free. For the first time in years I feel like infertility isn’t controlling my life. I sincerely hope it lasts because it feels amazing.

name

5 Comments

Filed under adoption, Baby Boy, Family, Moving On

After boom

Thank you all for your comments and congratulations! Although I haven’t been as present since Muppet was born I knew I could come to you all with this major change in our lives. I love this community so much and am so grateful for all the support.

I said in my last post that I couldn’t write about all that has happened in one post. Because yes, there is more. While all this was going on with the new adoption we were also coming face to face with some other major life changes. For awhile now we have been toying around with the idea of relocating. Our time in SoCal has been amazing. The people that we have met and who have become our family are truly some of the best people I’ve ever met in my life. While it is hard to think of leaving that kind of comfort we were feeling stagnant. So J started apply and this week caught the fish of our dreams.

At the end of this month we will be moving to Seattle, WA where J will be working for a major gaming studio. We are beyond excited. But adding a major move with all the adoption stuff is making my eye twitch with anxiety and stress. I started filling out paperwork for our home study today. We are working with a Washington agency who is able to get this done in a rush for us so we have every thing prepared before the baby comes. I’m frantically making calls all day trying to arrange physicals, finger printing, and anything we can plausibly get done before we leave Cali. That way as soon as we get to our new home we can start the social worker visits.

We haven’t announced anything about the baby on FB yet. We have quite a few people who know but for the most part we want to get settled in Seattle before we unveil that impending event. Plus I really want to do a picture of Muppet in a big sister shirt to announce. Since this is going to be my last (seriously.) baby I can’t help but really want to do that despite how annoying I’ve found it to be in the past. And right now I just don’t have the time to take that kind of photo the way I want it.

Luckily we have some great friends in Seattle and one of them just bought a house, so the house they were renting is available. We will likely be taking over their lease so that we can get a feel of the area before buying a home of our own. This takes my stress level down a bit as at least I don’t have to worry about rushing to buy a house just so we have a roof over our heads. I’m also going to be going to stay with my parents for a week so that Muppet and I are out-of-the-way for J and the movers. Trying to pack with an 19 month old is just too difficult so luckily our new company is paying someone to do that for us.

AGH. I have so much to do I almost don’t even know where to start. I’m just taking things one day at a time and reminding myself how lucky I am to be having all these amazing things happen for me.

name

11 Comments

Filed under adoption, Family, Home Study, Motherhood, Moving On

BOOM.

I barely know where to begin. This week has been…overwhelming. It as if someone, somewhere saw how comfortable and routine my life has become and thought “Hey, I’ll show her!”. Then BOOM. My world imploded.

I can’t even write about it all right now. I’ll have to do a few posts but I’m bursting at the seems to get this out.

Before Muppet was born I thought I’d never try for a pregnancy again. I was done, we were going to adopt our children and that was that. I’d gone through too much hope, pain, and loss to even fathom exposing myself to that again. But all that changed when she came along.

I don’t know what exactly happened. But watching her be born and hearing that first cry just touched my soul. And all the sudden I wanted to experience that again, but this time as a delivering mother. Of course I didn’t want it right away, I was far too focused on my perfect little baby and adjusting to becoming a mother. But I knew that we would try again.

When she was about 8 months old I decided it was time to start figuring things out. I got 2nd and 3rd opinions on my history. I saw a new RE and a doctor of maternal fetal medicine. They both said the same thing – they saw no reason why I shouldn’t be able to carry to term despite all my losses. I decided I was most comfortable with the MFM doctor as last time around I didn’t struggle with the getting pregnant part. She recommended we do baby asprin, metformin, and progesterone after ovulation. After I got pregnant we would take it from there and do everything we could to get us a healthy baby. It took a few more months to psych ourselves up for jumping back into this world. But last August, the month Muppet turned 1, I went off birth control.

I’ll save you the dramatics…I’m not pregnant. And I haven’t been since my ectopic pregnancy over 2 years ago. It seems that like before my surgery, I am once again infertile. Its been about 7 months. My cycles have been erratic at best. And surprisingly, I’m okay with it. Sure I’m slightly disappointed every time that my period arrives but it is nowhere near as bad as it has been before. I want the pregnancy, but I think I’m finally coming to the conclusion that it is just not in the cards for me.

So we started talking about another adoption. We figured we’d start the paperwork in the summer this year, take our time, find the right situation and hopefully have a new baby by the time Muppet turns 3. That is a whole year and a half away! I felt happy about this and became obsessed with the idea of another little girl. One who can wear all the cute clothes that Muppet only wore so briefly, with headbands that I adore. They would grow up close sisters, like I always wanted (I have 3 brothers). J said he didn’t care the gender but if I wanted a girl he was fine with that.

About 3 months ago something in my brain switched and all I wanted was a boy. Before that I think I had a bit of a mental block about boys. because I had always dreamed about giving birth to a son. And if I couldn’t do that, then I didn’t want one. But suddenly that didn’t matter. I knew we would only ever do 2 adoptions. The cost alone makes it too hard. So I wanted to experience one of each gender. Again, J said he didn’t care and if it was important that I have a boy then that is what we would do. (Major plus side of adoption is gender selection)

So last Tuesday I was dancing around the kitchen with Muppet while making dinner. She is becoming so fun to interact with and I just felt like life couldn’t get better. My phone started ringing and I glanced down at the caller id to see who it was. It was our social worker. My stomach dropped, although I wasn’t sure why. I hadn’t spoken to her since we had brought Muppet home as she deals with matches. I answered and she dropped the bombshell.

Muppet’s birth-mom is pregnant again and would like us to adopt the baby.

The shock of what she just said hit me and I start sobbing. Seriously guys, it was almost embarrassing. I was a wreck. And get this – it is a boy. Cue more sobbing. I told her I’d talk to J and let her know but in my heart I was already committed. I wanted this baby, Muppet’s brother.

Things have progressed quickly from there. They have had to since she is due June 22. We have so much to do it is not even funny. We currently don’t have a valid home study so I spent the week calling agencies to see who could get one done in a rush while not breaking the bank. I should be able to start the paperwork later this week (more on that later) and I’m hoping to get it completed by the first week of June which gives us a little bit of a grace period.

So yeah. We are doing this. We have a baby boy on the way. I’m still in shock.

name

29 Comments

Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Birth Mom, Celebration, Family, Home Study, Infertility, Miscarriage, Motherhood, Trans-racial adoption

Microblog Monday: He gets it.

During our struggle with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss, my husband J was always there for me. He supported me, stayed with me when I became crazy and depressed, and let me cry on his shoulder. But I never felt that he wanted it the same way I did. I knew he wanted to be a dad but the trouble we were having didn’t seem to affect him the way that it did me. He often said to me “Yeah, I want a family but if it doesn’t happen I will be okay”. That was so different from me because I knew I wouldn’t be okay. I had to have kids.Since adopting Muppet he has often asked me if I’ve ‘gotten over’ my bitterness. I’ve told him that I have of course gotten better, but that I doubted I’d ever get over it. This is something he has never seemed to understand. Infertility is now deeply ingrained in my very being. It is part of who I am and that isn’t something that disappears.

Over the weekend we were in the car driving home from a family outing. Somehow the topic of this couple we know came up. To keep things anonymous I won’t say how we know them, just that they are very close to us. This couple has two children, both were conceived the first month they tried for them. They are very aware of the struggles we have gone through to have a family, yet despite how close we are I had to find out about their 2nd pregnancy via Facebook. It was very hurtful to me.

A few months ago J apparently got into a conversation with the wife about children which inevitably lead to her talking about her pregnancies. She complained about them. How hard they were, how much she hated being pregnant and how it was a bit of a burden how easily they got pregnant. Seriously. She said the to a guy whose wife has had 4 miscarriages. He told me about this conversation over the weekend, I had never heard about it before. And he told me that his first thought while she was saying all these things was “Trish would do anything to have the experience you have been lucky enough to have!” He didn’t say anything to her, because he didn’t want to turn it into a big deal but he told me how angry her comments made him as she knew how much we had been through to have a family.

The fact that he shared this frustration and anger with me, after all these years, made my love for him grow. He gets it you guys. He may not show his feelings about this kind of stuff easily and he may not be as bruised as I am but he gets it. He. Gets. It.

name

10 Comments

Filed under #microblogmonday, Family, Infertility, Miscarriage, People suck

Toddler Territory

Thank you for all of the advice on my last post. I thought a lot about it and consulted with a few other moms I know, and I’ve decided that for now I’m going to let it go. Muppet is only 17 months old so I really don’t feel like I should be putting all this pressure on myself to remove the binky from her life. I’m going to relax about it and re-evaluate the situation when we are closer to two.

One of the main reasons I feel like this needs to wait is the tantrum situation is in full swing at our house right now. I feel like Muppet went from being a baby to being a toddler in a span of a week. There are so many wonderful things about toddlers. The way they learn new things is memorizing and I love watching her little brain pick up things that are going on around her. But the tantrums are hard. Even harder because as of right now Muppet has absolutely no understanding of the word “no”. She laughs at me every time I say it. I really don’t know what to do about it other than hope in time she will start to understand that when I say that to her there is a reason.

The biggest issue we are having is throwing food. Every time she is in her high chair she throws her food and laughs. It isn’t because she is not hungry or doesn’t like the food, she just thinks it is funny. I’m trying to implement the whole ‘if your throwing your food you must be done’ thing but so far it isn’t working. She gets down to play and then wants to eat food off of mine or J’s plate. But she won’t eat food in her high chair. On top of that, she isn’t gaining weight very well lately. Every appointment we drop in the percentiles more and more. She is an active kid so I understand why this is happening, but it makes it really hard to deprive her of food.

Now that she is getting older, though, I can finally start doing more planned activities with her. In the past she hasn’t been too interested in stuff because she would rather run around. But yesterday we did our first sensory box! She has SO much fun, as did I. I was a little nervous that because we were doing it on the balcony where we keep bikes and stuff that she would show no interest in the box but she surprised me. When I took her outside she went straight for the box and played with it the whole time without me needing to redirect her at all.

I can’t wait to find more activities like this to do with her in the future. Not only does it keep her busy for part of the afternoon, but I feel like she is the type of kid who has fewer tantrums when she is on a structured schedule. She has always done well with structure so I know I need to push to give us a little more of that now that she is growing up. It is really amazing how fast these little creatures change and grow. I want to be a good mom and sometimes I really need to remind myself that she needs my guidance. It is really easy for me to fall into a bit of ‘laziness’ with staying at home and playing with her. Toddler needs to run and be free!

Anyways this is mostly just me babbling. Things are changing so much in our house right now and I’m just trying to keep up with it all. I love this little girl so much. I love that she now calls me “Mommy” instead of just “Ma”. It really hits me that I have a kid and that I am her whole world. Me. That is mind-blowing, but also incredibly cool.

name

4 Comments

Filed under Baby Girl, Family, Growing Up, Motherhood, Stay At Home Mom