Right now we are in the middle of our move. Last Monday the moving company came and packed our whole apartment and carted it away. Since it takes 10-14 to get our stuff to our new destination we decided that we would fly to my parents home for a week so we wouldn’t have to try to entertain Muppet in an empty apartment. It has been great spending time with them and watching Muppet bond with her family. But there is a sense of displacement about it all. We are living out of suitcases and that is always tricky with an 18 month old.
But then to make matters even more fun, the house we were planning on renting fell through 2 days ago. Luckily J will be working for a large company that can put us in temporary (furnished) housing once we get to Seattle so that we have time to find a place to live, but since we are doing that all our stuff is going into storage. Had I known this would be the case I would have kept a few things with us such as our stroller. But nope, all of it is gone and I won’t see it until we find a permanent place to live. This is definitely not ideal. Not to mention we will continue living out of our suitcases for around another 4 weeks. While I’m grateful for the options we have as far as housing I do hate feeling like I don’t belong anywhere. I will be so grateful to be done with all of this.
Yup. I’m back with more sleep issues. It is sad that I yearn for the days of newborn sleep, but it is true. I’m mean not brand newborn, as she was eating every 3 hours at night. But by 6 weeks Muppet was sleeping 6-7 hours at night! That went on for a blissful 10 weeks. Now I miss it dearly.
The Baby Merlin’s Magic Sleepsuit worked…at first. For about a week we went back to 5 hours of sleep and I was so sure we were and the beginning of sleeping through the night. Then everything went back to how it was before the sleep suit. She is waking every 1-2 hours, by moving her arms around and pawing at her face. The only thing to get her to go back to sleep is to put the binky in her mouth. Something I hate doing because I don’t want her to feel like she has to have a binky to sleep. That would be another sort of nightmare. J took the night shift last night because after 4 days of this new schedule I was dead on my feet. Yet here I am, early in the morning, with Muppet by my side, far earlier than she should be up.
So I don’t know what to do. He thinks the suit isn’t working anymore and that we should go back to swaddling. I think that won’t help as she was wiggling with the swaddle as well and she has to get used to controlling her arm movements eventually. Part of me wonders if this is 4 month sleep regression hitting a bit late (she is 20 weeks). I’m also questioning if I am putting her to bed too late. I usually put her down around 9pm. I don’t know now, though, if I should be trying for earlier and maybe she is over-tired. But her last nap is at 5pm and usually lasts a few hours…
So now the question is…what do I do from here? Do I sleep train? Do I wait it out? Do I stick with the sleep suit? I just don’t know anymore. Anyone with any insight will be loved forever.
I feel so helpless and frustrated at the moment. When we started our home study we were told it would take 8-10 weeks to complete. We are now 16 weeks in and still have not received the final approval. It is sitting on the home study supervisor’s desk probably just waiting for a damn signature. It has been there for over a week. How hard is this?
On top of that we are working on our adoption agency papers and we have a few questions. So I call my contact with the agency and leave a message yesterday morning. No call. I wait till 4:30 today, still haven’t received a call so I left yet another message. I seriously need around 3 minutes of their time and I can’t get a hold of them. Not to mention this is the only contact number I have to them. So I went online, and of course it is also the only number listed on their website, and sent an e-mail explaining that I need another way to contact them and how frustrating it is to not get a call back 2 days in a row.
I’m seriously fuming right now. It’s easy for them not to be in a rush because it is not their adoption, meanwhile I’m over here trying to hold myself together because everyday these things don’t get done is another day until we finally have a baby. I need this to happen guys. Everyday I have to see others around me with their children or have people ask me how the adoption is going, hurts me a little more. J even suggested tonight that if we can’t get a hold of our agency that we start looking for different ones. This makes me feel like I’m going to have a panic attack because other agencies are, at bare minimum, a year wait. This one is 5 months at the longest.
My cousin texted me the other day saying she and her husband will be in town around the 4th of July and the want to go to dinner with us. Whenever they’ve been in town in the past we’ve always gotten together with them, but this time I can’t stand the thought. She’ll be around 6 months. I feel like an awful person but I really don’t want to see that. The thought of it clenches my stomach. I haven’t responded and its been almost a week. So I’m pretty sure she knows I’m avoiding her. Again, making me feel like an awful person.
Is this ever going to end? Not to sound like a narcissistic bitch, but I feel like I’ve earned the happy ending. Haven’t I’ve gone through enough? I just want move on to the next chapter of my life.
First of all I hope everyone had a good holiday! I know how difficult this time of year can be for many of us but I hope everyone was able to find a little joy.
Secondly I fully admit I was on a lot of pain killers when I wrote my last post so I am not sure if I made a lot of sense about what happened and the outcome.
Last Friday I went to the ER in severe pain. They did an ultrasound which revealed that I was bleeding internally. From this they figured that the ectopic pregnancy had ruptured my tube. They decided to go in to remove the pregnancy and most likely my tube. They did all this with the approval of my RE. I called him on the way to the ER and after a lot of swearing (because he couldn’t meet us at the hospital due to us being out of the state) he made sure that the doctors in the ER would keep him in the loop about everything.
When they finally got me into surgery they found that my tube was not ruptured like they originally thought, in fact it was fine. What happened was that the Methotrexate did actually work. But when some of the tissue was expelled from my tube a little piece got caught on the end of the tube. I am not sure how or why this happened but the result was a blood clot that formed which was causing me the pain and the internal bleeding. They clipped the blood clot (well as much of it as they could. They had to leave a small piece in order to not touch my tube but they are confident it will go away on its own and not be an issue) and cleared up the blood in my abdomen. They did not have to do any work on my tube and it should be fully functional.
However my surgeon said that my tube is abnormal shaped. From the pictures and what she told us my tube has a loop in it. Almost like a roller coaster loop. Every woman has a 2% chance of an Ectopic Pregnancy. After your first one it jumps up to 10%. The more you have the higher your chances go. She feels that based on my tube shape though, that we have an extremely high chance of another Ectopic and that we should not try naturally to get pregnant again, but do IVF.
This is where I get confused though. I have had another laparoscopic surgery where they did look at my left ovary and tube even though they were working on the right side. I have had a HSG that showed my tubes were normal. I have had 3 other pregnancies that all made it out of the tube of death and into my uterus. So why are we just barely hearing about this apparent looped tube? It makes no sense to me that this would just be revealed after everything we have done. All my images and results are being sent to my RE so I will make an appointment to meet with him and ask all these questions when we get home. I just don’t get it.
Other than that I am healing well. Slow and sore but that just takes time. I’ve developed a few unpleasant side effects from the surgery that I haven’t experienced before including (TMI) a bladder infection and hemorrhoids. FUN! But over all I am doing good. My mind is okay and I know where we are headed. I will post more about that later though. For now I just wanted to clear up a few questions and thank everyone for the kind thoughts, especially all those who send messages checking up on me.
The one good thing is that this happened at my parents house and not at my in-laws. That would have been a whole lot worse. So you know, count the little blessings. Again I hope everyone was able to find a little joy this holiday season. I love you all and am so grateful that I have this community in my life. Happy Holidays!
P.S. Happy 200th post to me!
December 21st 2012, to most it was supposed to be the end of the world. For me it was the end of a very long journey. We had driven through the night, 10 hours, to visit my family. We finally got home at 8:00 and immediately crashed into bed. I had been feeling pretty bloated but I figured it was due to sitting for 11 hours in the car. At 9:30 I woke up to sharp pains. I stayed calm and tried to ease the pain by taking medication and sitting in a hot bath. By 11:00 I could not ignore it anymore, the pain wasn’t going away.
We contacted my RE and went straight to the ER. While we were there they did an ultrasound and found that I was bleeding internally. This earned me a one-way ticket straight to the Operating Room.
Last night they went in Laproscopicaly to remove the excess tissue and possibly my tube. When they got in there they found that my tube had not ruptured like they originally thought. However there was a blood clot outside of my tube that was causing the bleeding. The clot was most likely formed from the tube trying to expel the tissue from the pregnancy.
The surgeon also said that my tube was kind of funny shaped, almost like a half circle. She said that based on this she thinks we should not try again naturally to get pregnant again because it would most likely be another ectopic. I don’t necessarily agree because I have had 3 other pregnancies and none of them got stuck in my tube. We even know for a fact that my second pregnancy was implanted high up in my uterus based on my ultrasounds.
Luckily the hospital is sending all the things they found during the surgery to my RE so it is something I can ask him about later. Not like I’m planning on getting pregnant any time soon, really I’m not sure if I ever want to be pregnant again after this. But for now I know that is a decision I know I can’t make right away.
It just figures that this would happen so close to Christmas though. We were supposed to flying to Michigan this morning to spend the holidays with J’s family. I am grateful though that is happened before we flew out though, as bummed as I am about missing this time with the side of the family we rarely see, I would not have wanted this to happen while we were out there. It would have just made things much more difficult.
Merry Christmas to us. This whole thing has really not helped me get rid of the Grinch in me.
When I found out this pregnancy was ectopic I did the proper infertile thing and consulted Dr. Google. I did research about Methotrexate, ruptured ectopics and tube loss. I’ve been meticulous about taking care of myself and watching signs and symptoms.
One thing the internet did not prepare me for is the pain that accompanies when the tissue starts to break down. Last night I thought it was over. I woke up with pain on my left side that kept me awake for 3 hours. I was on the verge of heading to the ER when the pain started to subside a bit. I decided I could hold off till morning when I could get a hold of my doctor.
I woke up feeling so sore and so incredibly bloated. Every step is painful and it feels like all my organs are trying to fall out. I talked to my doctor and he reassured me that all this is normal. My beta yesterday came back at 1200. This is an excellent sign as my numbers are dropping steadily.
He said that mild to moderate pain happens when the tissue starts to die. He also suspects that the blood vessels that were supporting the pregnancy are starting to collapse which caused the pain last night and the soreness today. The bloating is coming from the fact that my tube is most likely leaking so my abdomen is full of fluid. What sucks is that my stomach is so full that I do actually look pregnant. Awesome.
At least my mind was set at ease once I spoke to my doctor. He also told me how things will play out from here. Once my levels zero out he will put me on birth control for one month (more on this later but lets just say one month is not enough for us right now) and then around the first of March we will do a HSG test to check to see if the tube is still functional. Can’t tell you how excited I am about this. I LOVED the last HSG. I hope the sarcasm is dripping from all of your computer screens right now. Luckily I still have some pain killers left over from my surgery that I can take before hand. Not to mention it will take place right around MB’s due date. Yup, pain killers are looking mighty fine.
Right now I am just focusing on getting through the next 2 weeks. Then we will be past the holidays and hopefully my levels will be bottomed out. Then maybe we can find the strength to move on.
Thank you to everyone who reached out to me after my last post. I received so many comments and e-mails that it filled my heart. This weekend has been a tense one in our house. Problems is…we have been through this before. We’ve done the whole sudden gripping pain, ER, and surgery route. Seems ironic that it was 11 months ago that we were dealing with this. So because we know how this goes we are extra cautious / nervous.
The added stress around this time of the year is less than ideal but there is not much we can do about it. All we really can do is take it as easy as possible and hope the Methotrexate works as it is supposed to. But we are prepared for the worse to happen. I immediately programmed my doctor’s cell number into my phone as well as hung it up on the fridge. Then J gave me some of his co-workers numbers to save just in case he is at work and is unable to hear his phone ring. We mapped out a plan on what we will do if the worst happens. In a way I feel like I’m preparing for the end of the world, all down to what I will bring to the hospital and who we will call first.
I’ve also had some pretty morbid thoughts. One of them being every time I step out of the shower and start getting dressed I rifle through my underwear drawer trying to decide which pair to wear. This is because I want to be wearing nice enough panties that I won’t be embarrassed of them when I go to the hospital, but not so nice that I would be upset if this off / on inconsistent bleeding ruined them.
Yesterday I started having some pain on my left side. It started in my thigh and then worked its way up to my abdomen where I experienced sharp stabbing pains right where my doctor said the pain would be. The pain wasn’t intense, only a 3 on the pain scale, and it was very come and go. But of course I freaked out and messaged my doctor. He said that often when the shot starts working you experience mild pain. As long as the pain did not become intense or constant he wasn’t worried, in fact he believed it to be a good sign. I felt more relaxed after this but when it came time to go to bed, when I was very tired and at my most vulnerable, thoughts raged through my head. I wondered if my doctor was wrong and if the pain was coming from the tube leaking, not rupturing. Then I thought I must be bleeding internally and that if I went to sleep I wouldn’t ever wake up again.
This is all very dramatic in the light of day when my head is back on straight but last night was hard. I almost woke up J and told him to set an alarm to wake me up every 2 hours to make sure I was still alive. Like I said, dramatic. But this is the fear I have had over the past few days. I never thought I’d fear for my own life during a pregnancy, only the life of my baby. Everything has changed now.
Good news is today I have had no pain and the bleeding also stopped. I go in tomorrow for a blood draw to see if the Methotrexate is working. Hopefully then we will know if I am destined for surgery or not. Funny thing is…I’m not scared of the surgery. It sucks, but I’ve been through it before and I can do it again. I am more scared of the pain caused by a rupture, the loss of my tube, and waiting. Especially waiting. I just want to know how this is going to end up. If I am going to be operated on, I’d rather it be sooner than later. I can handle this. I just need be able to breathe again without fear.