Category Archives: marriage

#Microblog Monday: Sidelined

It is the truth that once you have kids stuff that focus’ on you (or your husband) suddenly becomes nothing more than an afterthought. Well, maybe not an afterthought, but definitely not as important as it was before.

You see, tomorrow is my husband’s birthday. The day after that is our 7th anniversary. Guess what I have done to prepare for these events…not much. I ordered a few presents for his birthday then suddenly realized how mediocre the whole thing was. I don’t want him to feel as though his birth or our anniversary is unimportant to me, because they aren’t, I’ve just been a bit distracted with Muppet’s many idiosyncrasies (another story for another time) lately.

So today I ran around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to prepare for these events. I bought stuff to make some fun cupcakes for his office, I managed to find a few small gifts that he hadn’t requested, and I put together an idea for a simple anniversary gift. I’m exhausted. I used to be all into this kinda stuff now it has become a last-minute ordeal. I really need to work on that.

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Filed under #microblogmonday, It's not always about me, Living Life, marriage

Complete

As of March 4th, 2014 our adoption journey has come to a close. We walked into the court-house with Muppet in our arms and listened with joy as the judge proclaimed that her adoption was finalized and she was, in the eye of the law, our child.

Not that this really changed anything. I didn’t feel any different as we left the court-house, because she has always been my child. I’ve never for a moment felt otherwise. But there is a huge sense of relief that we no longer have to worry about the other shoe dropping. It was so incredible to hear the warm word of encouragement come from everyone involved in the process. When on the stand giving her testimony, the adoption agency representative was asked by the judge if she believed it was in Muppets best interest to be placed with us. She looked at us with warmth in her eyes and said “Absolutely” and the judge looked at us with an enormous smile and said “So do I”.

It is so crazy that she is already 6 months old. The day of her birth enters my mind every single day and I treasure that incredible moment when she was placed in my arms. It is amazing to look at her now and see how much she is thriving. She started crawling the same day of her finalization, as if she was celebrating along with us. Her smile absolutely lights up my life, I know I am so lucky to be on the receiving end of all her love. She touches everyone she meets and is surrounded by so much love. She is truly a special little girl.

On Valentines Day my sweet husband made me a card with Muppets picture on the front. Inside he wrote “I’m so lucky to have the family that I do.” Neither one of us would ever have imagined that this was how our family would come about, but he was right. This is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to us.

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Filed under adoption, Baby Girl, Growing Up, marriage, Motherhood

Phase 1 complete

Well phase 1 of our home study interviews are over. Last week both J and I had our individual interviews with our social worker. It definitely wasn’t exactly the most fun 2 hours of my life but it probably could have been worse. She asked about everything under the sun starting from my child hood up until our history with infertility. That was probably the worst part for me, as I started crying when I talked about my pregnancy with MB. I’m afraid she is going to perceive that as me not being over it, even though I am. It still is just painful to remember all those emotions and all the pain we went through when we lost him.

However I’m assuming that most people who pursue adoption have tried to have children naturally so I am probably not the only one to break down when talking about that particular subject. The did indeed ask about our issues with our sex life, although it was not as bad as I thought it would be. We had both just put down on our paperwork that it has been a slight issue in our marriage, mostly because my sex drive is pretty much non-existent these days. She gave us some advice as we moved on.

There were definitely some assumptions made that were kind of annoying as she has only read our profile and talked to us for a few hours, but I know she is just digging to make sure we are stable. Our next step is our couple interview / home inspection which will be in 2 weeks. Kinda annoyed that we couldn’t do it sooner but she is working with 11 couples at the moment so her schedule sucks. J is feeling very encouraged at this point. She told him that in the 9 years she has been doing this she has only turned down 1 couple. So odds are good everything will go smoothly for us. Of course if we end up being the 2nd couple she turns down I’m going to feel incredibly screwed up. Trying not to dwell on that. Thinking happy thoughts…thinking happy thoughts…

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Filed under adoption, Home Study, marriage

Damaged

Pregnancy used to be something I dreamed about, both figuratively and literally. In my night dreams I’d wake up feeling sad and helpless because of how badly I wanted the dreams to be real. My day dreams would consist of telling people I was pregnant, imagining the sensation of feeling a baby moving inside of me, and how I would look with a swollen belly.

These days the pregnancy dreams are nightmares. Two nights in a row now I’ve dreamed of pregnancy. Yesterday night it was my doctor calling to tell me that they made a mistake, that the ectopic pregnancy was still there but now it had a heartbeat so I would require yet another surgery. In the dream I remember thinking “this can’t be happening to me again!”. Last night I dreamed (brace yourself this is a weird one) that I was meeting K.ate Gosling (EW!) who had just had triplets. I was so disgusted with her that I wrote on her congratulations card that I thought how horrible it was for her to go back to infertility treatments and what a bad idea it was. But I did put a p.s. that the babies were really cute.

This just embodies where I am mentally right now. Pregnancy and cycling = terrifying.

To a point this does upset me because I realize that if I do ever decide to try for another pregnancy I will never be able to enjoy it like so-called “normal” people, which makes me extremely bitter. But maybe it is for a good reason. Maybe it is so I can accept the closing of this chapter in our life and so I can look back with no regrets.

Things have been going well for us lately. The other night J commented that he was so happy to finally have me back. I don’t think I truly realized how much of myself I lost the past 2 years. In a way I will never be able to fully regain some parts of me. I have experienced things that I would never wish upon anyone and I know they will always affect me. But I missed this side of me too. The one who laughs and smiles more, the one who doesn’t avoid certain activities because of where she was in her cycle, and the one who doesn’t constantly wish she was pregnant again.

Even though these things have made me feel more like myself than I’ve felt in a long time there is still that part of me though that will never fade. The part that can’t escape the reality of the sadness that has happened to us. I’m trying to move on though. I’ve already accepted everything but I still feel raw. Maybe it is too much to expect myself to feel differently after only 5 weeks. In 5 more weeks our future could be on an entirely different path and I look forward to the challenge even if I am still a bit broken.

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Filed under Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Healing, Infertility, Living Life, marriage, Miscarriage, Moving On

The Elusive Second Line

Today is not just any other day. December 2nd will always have meaning to me because on this day two years ago I officially through out the birth control and we decided to start a family.

Two years.

I have seen people have 2 children in this amount of time. Yet here we are still trying to find our way to number 1. It seems impossible the two years ago I was naively thinking I would have a baby in my arms by the following Christmas. I was so ignorant about everything back then. It is almost embarrassing to think how little I knew about my own body.

Boy, would I give anything to be that ignorant again though.

Though I may now look down on people who don’t know when they ovulate or when their last period was, truth is I wish I was one of them again. I wish I was someone who didn’t know the ins and outs of their body, what IVF truly meant, or what a D&C is. Most of all I wish I didn’t know that.

But I do. Two years later I am a treasure trove of conceiving and pregnancy facts. Even though none of those facts have benefitted me in any way. Instead I sit here more unsure than ever, wondering when this will finally resolve. I’d like to think I won’t spend next Christmas the way I will be spending this one, but who knows anymore.

It seems ironic to me now that when I started this blog over a year ago I chose the title “The Elusive Second Line”. At the time nothing could have been more true. I had done 3 rounds of Clomid and never seen even a hint of a line. I used to resent that. I used to think “I’ve never even had a chemical pregnancy! At least other people know they can get pregnant!”. I shudder at that thought now. How could I have ever thought such a thing? I’d give anything to not know the pain of loss now.

These days I am nothing but second lines. Second lines that end in heartbreak. I don’t think I could have ever foreseen this.

Bottom line is, I have changed. More drastically than I ever thought possible. I am so far from the person I used to be. Thus the layout change. As much I enjoyed the last layout with the silly cartoon I feel like that is no longer me. I am a different person with different views on life. I am no longer the silly girl with bright hopes and dreams. And I need my blog to reflect that.

J is a very talented artist and agreed to help me with my new layout quest. I wanted it to still be the same Elusive Second Line that everyone is used to, just a little more clean and me. He designed the banner and changed the background to reflect the new colors I selected. His first draft of the banner was what really made me smile though. He decided to add something that makes me happy – aka my dog, and also his own interpretation of our reproductive issues. I present to you draft one of the new banner:

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He was pretty sad that I decided not to use it as the main banner. But I applaud his design anyways. Welcome to The Elusive Second Line – Version 2.0. May this year not suck as bad as the last.

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Filed under Healing, Infertility, Living Life, marriage

The silence of it all

I’ve been quite lately. At least as far as posting and commenting goes. I’m around and reading all the blogs…just being quiet.

Mostly I think it is because I usually do my posting and commenting from my work computer and I’ve been training someone for the last 2 weeks. Plus I was away last weekend, so you get the picture.

Other than that I just haven’t had much to say. Life is the same as it always is, me hurting and un-pregnant trying to get through life pretending like I am okay.

I rock at pretending.

But more on that in another post. I had an ear infection last week before I went on my trip so I went to the urgent care and got an antibiotic. I felt fine during my whole trip with the exception of some aching during the plane ride so I figured all was well. On Thursday my ears started feeling plugged again, on Friday I woke up with my left ear absolutely THROBBING. Seriously I couldn’t believe how much pain I was in. I went into work because I feel like all I do is miss work these days, but had to leave after 3 hours. I was absolutely miserable so I went back to the urgent care and they gave me a stronger antibiotic this time. I went home to rest but the pain was so bad I actually took one of the pain killers that I have left over from my surgery. I get why babies scream their heads off during ear infections now. OUCH! Then I was drugged up the rest of the night. Fun times.

I’m starting to feel better so I hope that the meds are working this time. Today J and I went to San Diego for a “walk” that he wanted to go on. This “walk” turned out to be an up hill hike. Not cool J, not cool. I can do flat hikes. There is one by our house that is 5 miles that I can do pretty well. But I don’t do up hill. At. All. I made it half way before telling him to go on without me, it was a good thing I did because apparently there were 2 rattlesnakes on the trail. One actually went across the trail in front of J.

Have I mentioned that I am deathly afraid of snakes? Seriously. One time I was pulling up to my parents house (in a jeep no less) and a tiny garden snake was making its way across the driveway and I had to drive around the block till it was gone. Deathly afraid.

I sat on a rock and enjoyed the cool breeze and vistas while J made his way to the top and back down. We are both fried. It was an overcast day so who needs sunscreen? Well since we are the whitest people around we really needed it apparently.

OMG J just walked out to show me his burn…he was wearing no shirt and a back pack= most awesome tan lines ever!

Happy Easter to you all!

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Filed under Living Life, marriage, On the Road, Sickness

Photo Challenge Day 24

Prompt: Hug

This is an older picture but it is the perfect example of our hugs. They aren’t actually hugs they are squeezies. And when you get one you have to go “Squuuuuueeeeeezzzzzeeeee!”.

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Filed under Living Life, marriage, pictures