Today is not just any other day. December 2nd will always have meaning to me because on this day two years ago I officially through out the birth control and we decided to start a family.
I have seen people have 2 children in this amount of time. Yet here we are still trying to find our way to number 1. It seems impossible the two years ago I was naively thinking I would have a baby in my arms by the following Christmas. I was so ignorant about everything back then. It is almost embarrassing to think how little I knew about my own body.
Boy, would I give anything to be that ignorant again though.
Though I may now look down on people who don’t know when they ovulate or when their last period was, truth is I wish I was one of them again. I wish I was someone who didn’t know the ins and outs of their body, what IVF truly meant, or what a D&C is. Most of all I wish I didn’t know that.
But I do. Two years later I am a treasure trove of conceiving and pregnancy facts. Even though none of those facts have benefitted me in any way. Instead I sit here more unsure than ever, wondering when this will finally resolve. I’d like to think I won’t spend next Christmas the way I will be spending this one, but who knows anymore.
It seems ironic to me now that when I started this blog over a year ago I chose the title “The Elusive Second Line”. At the time nothing could have been more true. I had done 3 rounds of Clomid and never seen even a hint of a line. I used to resent that. I used to think “I’ve never even had a chemical pregnancy! At least other people know they can get pregnant!”. I shudder at that thought now. How could I have ever thought such a thing? I’d give anything to not know the pain of loss now.
These days I am nothing but second lines. Second lines that end in heartbreak. I don’t think I could have ever foreseen this.
Bottom line is, I have changed. More drastically than I ever thought possible. I am so far from the person I used to be. Thus the layout change. As much I enjoyed the last layout with the silly cartoon I feel like that is no longer me. I am a different person with different views on life. I am no longer the silly girl with bright hopes and dreams. And I need my blog to reflect that.
J is a very talented artist and agreed to help me with my new layout quest. I wanted it to still be the same Elusive Second Line that everyone is used to, just a little more clean and me. He designed the banner and changed the background to reflect the new colors I selected. His first draft of the banner was what really made me smile though. He decided to add something that makes me happy – aka my dog, and also his own interpretation of our reproductive issues. I present to you draft one of the new banner:
He was pretty sad that I decided not to use it as the main banner. But I applaud his design anyways. Welcome to The Elusive Second Line – Version 2.0. May this year not suck as bad as the last.