Category Archives: Miscarriage

BOOM.

I barely know where to begin. This week has been…overwhelming. It as if someone, somewhere saw how comfortable and routine my life has become and thought “Hey, I’ll show her!”. Then BOOM. My world imploded.

I can’t even write about it all right now. I’ll have to do a few posts but I’m bursting at the seems to get this out.

Before Muppet was born I thought I’d never try for a pregnancy again. I was done, we were going to adopt our children and that was that. I’d gone through too much hope, pain, and loss to even fathom exposing myself to that again. But all that changed when she came along.

I don’t know what exactly happened. But watching her be born and hearing that first cry just touched my soul. And all the sudden I wanted to experience that again, but this time as a delivering mother. Of course I didn’t want it right away, I was far too focused on my perfect little baby and adjusting to becoming a mother. But I knew that we would try again.

When she was about 8 months old I decided it was time to start figuring things out. I got 2nd and 3rd opinions on my history. I saw a new RE and a doctor of maternal fetal medicine. They both said the same thing – they saw no reason why I shouldn’t be able to carry to term despite all my losses. I decided I was most comfortable with the MFM doctor as last time around I didn’t struggle with the getting pregnant part. She recommended we do baby asprin, metformin, and progesterone after ovulation. After I got pregnant we would take it from there and do everything we could to get us a healthy baby. It took a few more months to psych ourselves up for jumping back into this world. But last August, the month Muppet turned 1, I went off birth control.

I’ll save you the dramatics…I’m not pregnant. And I haven’t been since my ectopic pregnancy over 2 years ago. It seems that like before my surgery, I am once again infertile. Its been about 7 months. My cycles have been erratic at best. And surprisingly, I’m okay with it. Sure I’m slightly disappointed every time that my period arrives but it is nowhere near as bad as it has been before. I want the pregnancy, but I think I’m finally coming to the conclusion that it is just not in the cards for me.

So we started talking about another adoption. We figured we’d start the paperwork in the summer this year, take our time, find the right situation and hopefully have a new baby by the time Muppet turns 3. That is a whole year and a half away! I felt happy about this and became obsessed with the idea of another little girl. One who can wear all the cute clothes that Muppet only wore so briefly, with headbands that I adore. They would grow up close sisters, like I always wanted (I have 3 brothers). J said he didn’t care the gender but if I wanted a girl he was fine with that.

About 3 months ago something in my brain switched and all I wanted was a boy. Before that I think I had a bit of a mental block about boys. because I had always dreamed about giving birth to a son. And if I couldn’t do that, then I didn’t want one. But suddenly that didn’t matter. I knew we would only ever do 2 adoptions. The cost alone makes it too hard. So I wanted to experience one of each gender. Again, J said he didn’t care and if it was important that I have a boy then that is what we would do. (Major plus side of adoption is gender selection)

So last Tuesday I was dancing around the kitchen with Muppet while making dinner. She is becoming so fun to interact with and I just felt like life couldn’t get better. My phone started ringing and I glanced down at the caller id to see who it was. It was our social worker. My stomach dropped, although I wasn’t sure why. I hadn’t spoken to her since we had brought Muppet home as she deals with matches. I answered and she dropped the bombshell.

Muppet’s birth-mom is pregnant again and would like us to adopt the baby.

The shock of what she just said hit me and I start sobbing. Seriously guys, it was almost embarrassing. I was a wreck. And get this – it is a boy. Cue more sobbing. I told her I’d talk to J and let her know but in my heart I was already committed. I wanted this baby, Muppet’s brother.

Things have progressed quickly from there. They have had to since she is due June 22. We have so much to do it is not even funny. We currently don’t have a valid home study so I spent the week calling agencies to see who could get one done in a rush while not breaking the bank. I should be able to start the paperwork later this week (more on that later) and I’m hoping to get it completed by the first week of June which gives us a little bit of a grace period.

So yeah. We are doing this. We have a baby boy on the way. I’m still in shock.

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Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Birth Mom, Celebration, Family, Home Study, Infertility, Miscarriage, Motherhood, Trans-racial adoption

Microblog Monday: He gets it.

During our struggle with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss, my husband J was always there for me. He supported me, stayed with me when I became crazy and depressed, and let me cry on his shoulder. But I never felt that he wanted it the same way I did. I knew he wanted to be a dad but the trouble we were having didn’t seem to affect him the way that it did me. He often said to me “Yeah, I want a family but if it doesn’t happen I will be okay”. That was so different from me because I knew I wouldn’t be okay. I had to have kids.Since adopting Muppet he has often asked me if I’ve ‘gotten over’ my bitterness. I’ve told him that I have of course gotten better, but that I doubted I’d ever get over it. This is something he has never seemed to understand. Infertility is now deeply ingrained in my very being. It is part of who I am and that isn’t something that disappears.

Over the weekend we were in the car driving home from a family outing. Somehow the topic of this couple we know came up. To keep things anonymous I won’t say how we know them, just that they are very close to us. This couple has two children, both were conceived the first month they tried for them. They are very aware of the struggles we have gone through to have a family, yet despite how close we are I had to find out about their 2nd pregnancy via Facebook. It was very hurtful to me.

A few months ago J apparently got into a conversation with the wife about children which inevitably lead to her talking about her pregnancies. She complained about them. How hard they were, how much she hated being pregnant and how it was a bit of a burden how easily they got pregnant. Seriously. She said the to a guy whose wife has had 4 miscarriages. He told me about this conversation over the weekend, I had never heard about it before. And he told me that his first thought while she was saying all these things was “Trish would do anything to have the experience you have been lucky enough to have!” He didn’t say anything to her, because he didn’t want to turn it into a big deal but he told me how angry her comments made him as she knew how much we had been through to have a family.

The fact that he shared this frustration and anger with me, after all these years, made my love for him grow. He gets it you guys. He may not show his feelings about this kind of stuff easily and he may not be as bruised as I am but he gets it. He. Gets. It.

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Filed under #microblogmonday, Family, Infertility, Miscarriage, People suck

Faith

I don’t know how much I’ve written on this blog about religion. I try to stay away from topics like that because to me faith is a very personal thing. I’m writing this because God has been on my mind a lot lately and I really feel the need to let some things out. I should probably be doing this with a therapist but figured a couple hundred internet strangers will work!

Both J and I were raised LDS (mormon). Yup, one of those ‘weirdos’. Despite what some may think it is not a cult, and for the most part the church is made up of really wonderful people. There are things that I very much disagree with that the church teaches, but there are also some things that I really like. Despite that both of us have distanced ourselves from the religion and do not actively practice any organized faith. I’ve maintained a belief in God since distancing myself from the church. I’ve always subscribed to the idea that if you are a good person and try your best in this life, that you do not necessarily need to be a part of a church in order to please God. My God is a loving God. Not one to be fearful of.

I was raised with the idea that we are all give ‘trials’ in this life. That we will struggle and that by overcoming these struggles we will become stronger and better people. I was told that God would never give us a trial that we were not able to overcome. That right there is where I lost my faith.

I’ve only ever wanted to be a mother. I never had plans of college or career. I was going to be a mom, end of story. Convenient then that my trial in life seem to be infertility. Infertility killed my relationship with God. If He thought I could overcome this and become a better person than He was wrong. I’ve come a long way with accepting my situation since Muppet was born. But I am far from over it. I don’t think I ever will be. The bitterness resides within me and every so often it bubbles over, despite how hard I try to suppress it. And most of that bitterness is directed to God.

WHY did this have to be my trial? Of all the things in the world, why this? Maybe that makes me sound like a horrible person because I know there are a lot worse things out there than not being able to have a child but I can’t help but feel this way. It is the only thing I ever wanted. The only thing I ever asked Him for.

I’m especially bitter about my 2nd pregnancy. The other 3 were hard to lose, it is never easy to lose something you want so desperately. But I lost them early, early enough that I hadn’t become too attached. I still was able to maintain some sanity afterwards. But that 2nd one. It still hurts. I saw that heartbeat THREE times. If He was going to take my baby away from me why did He leave it long enough for me to see that? Why did He let me come to love that baby so much? I still have my ultrasound pictures. They are tucked away in a drawer and I still haven’t been able to bring myself to throw them away. I don’t think I let on to anyone how much that loss damaged me, even you guys. There was a very real time that I was suicidal. I was so hurt that I just wanted it to end. I thought it would be better for J, he could find someone else that wasn’t so broken. I don’t really know how I over came that, but I did. I now realize how scary my life was back then. I should have reached out to someone but I didn’t.

We had some missionaries from the church visit us this week. They are nice boys and we hold no grudge towards the church so we always let them in to chat. During our discussion they talked about answered prayers and the whole time all I could think about was all the nights I spent on my knees praying that my baby would survive. Obviously those prayers went very much unanswered. It almost made me mad at these two boys. I know that they are young and that their life experience is rather limited so I didn’t mention my anger. I know they wouldn’t have the answers for me anyways and it wasn’t their fault. They are just doing what they believe is right. But ever since they left I can’t shake all these thoughts that are running through my head.

I hate living with this hanging over my head. I can feel the bitterness inside me and it almost disturbs me. I am not an angry or vengeful person by nature. I like to think the best of people and the world. But the longer this goes on the more I question if I will ever be able to get past it. For some people living without faith might not seem like a big deal, but to me it is. It scares me more than I think I’m willing to admit out loud. It has always been a part of who I am and even though I have distanced myself from organized religion, my faith has always been something that I have used to help guide me through life. I want Muppet to have a belief system. I don’t care which one, she is free to choose, but I want her to believe in something. Right now I feel like I can’t expect that of her though, because I’m not sure if I believe anymore. I want to get past this, but I just don’t think I’m strong enough.

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Filed under Depression, Infertility, Miscarriage, Motherhood, RPL

Adoption Aftermath

When we adopted Muppet my whole world changed. Not only did I become a mother, but all the feelings of anguish and pain caused by infertility suddenly went away. Well not totally away, I don’t think anyone who has gone through infertility doesn’t have at least a few scars, but overall she managed to cover all that hurt up. I no longer saw pregnant women on the street and felt a burning hate. I didn’t see a newborn and want to collapse into tears of longing. She became my world and the blinders she put up made me feel more normal than I had in a long time.

Eventually the blinders came off though. Not to say I’ve totally regressed, the sight of babies no longer pains me. All I see is their squishy little bodies and tiny features that fill me with memories of when my baby was that small and scrunchy. I love babies, I always have. There is something about being around a newborn that breathes life into me and now I am back to enjoying their presence in my world.

But pregnancy is a whole other story. It’s not the same as it was before. There is no hatred when I see round bellies or an announcement online. But there is a huge sense of sadness on my part. In my head this all makes sense. I don’t have a problem with babies because I had a baby. I got to experience the newborn snuggles and smell her delicious head. I got to cuddle her all day long and watch her grow with each passing day. So I don’t feel jealous of that anymore. Maybe a hope that I will get to do it again, but not jealousy.

I didn’t get the pregnancy. This is the one thing I still struggle with. I am SO grateful that I get to be Muppet’s Mama. J and I constantly ask ourselves how we got so lucky. She is everything we could have ever wanted in a child and more. She is without a doubt my child, regardless of the fact that I didn’t create her. But I still have issues with the fact that the first 9 months of her existence was spent with another. I didn’t feel her move in me or get to see any ultrasound pictures. That guts me.

Lately I’ve been having pregnancy dreams again. I haven’t had them in almost 2 years. But this week I’ve had two of them. Both of the dreams involved me being far enough along that I could feel the baby moving inside of me. I don’t know what it is about that simple thing that I crave so much, but I do believe that many take it for granted. In my mind it is so incredibly magical and I hate that I most likely will never get to experience that. Those dreams are so joyful in the moment, knowing that I have a healthy thriving baby within me. As happy as they are at the time though, I wish they’d stop. Because they feel like a kick to the stomach every time I wake and they are not real.

It might be weighing more on my mind now that Muppet is getting older too. I know many people who go through infertility and adoption decide that the one child (or pregnancy) is enough. They don’t try for anymore and raise an only child. I applaud those people. Truly. I think it takes amazing strength to make such a confident decision about your family. But I’ve never been able to reach the same conclusion. J and I both have many siblings so the thought of an only child is completely foreign to us. I honestly don’t know if I even know anybody who is an only child oddly enough. So for us it has never really been in our minds to not have a sibling for Muppet. We know we won’t do more than 2 adoptions. The cost alone makes that difficult. Add on the emotional baggage and I just know I don’t have it in me for more than 2. We want our children to be as close in age as possible, which is tricky with adoption as you don’t have a lot of control over the matter.

Most adoption agencies want you to wait till your first child is 1 before starting the process again. This is to encourage bonding and also to make sure that the adoption process ‘settles’ before starting another. Muppet turned one last month, yet I haven’t been able to convince myself to get going. I don’t know what is holding me back. Part of me is fearful that it will take over our lives and that Muppet won’t be getting what she needs from me. On the other hand I can’t fathom a situation where she wasn’t my number one priority. The mind works in a funny way.

The pregnancy dreams and jealousy don’t help. It only screws my mind up further and makes me hesitate more. I wish I was one of those women who seemed so confident after adoption. Every other adoptive mother I know seems to have it SO together when it comes to this stuff. I don’t hear any of them talk in a way that even hints that they are struggling in the same way that I am. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me. It also makes me feel ungrateful. I know how lucky I am. If I had to go through everything I went through before Muppet was born I would. Because it led me to her.

This whole thing leaves me in such an awkward spot. I’ve given myself a deadline, enjoy the rest of the year and the holidays with my amazing baby girl, the start getting our adoption stuff together and ready in January. I’m hoping that by doing this I can sort out the pregnancy issues / jealousy that is rolling around in my head. For any other adoptive moms out there – How did you completely grieve the loss of possible pregnancies? Are my feelings normal or is this something that you had already resolved by the time of your first adoption?

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Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Depression, Healing, Infertility, Miscarriage, Motherhood, Pregnancy

Somewhere in between

This past Sunday was Bereaved Mother’s Day. This coming Sunday is Mother’s Day. Where does one fit when you feel the need to honor both? Everyone has been saying to me this year “You finally get to celebrate a Mother’s Day!”. But in my hearth I’ve been a mother much longer than Muppet has been in my life. Having a baby in no way erases the pain of the babies that you have lost.

I remember so clearly how I spent Mother’s Day last year. I was mourning my 4 lost babies while waiting to complete our home study and feeling like it would never be finished. I was working at the salon and spent the entire day literally holding back tears as almost all my clients that day went on about their plans for the day and asking if I was a mother yet. At one point I had to walk away from a client and go to the back room to regain my composer as it all just became too much. That night when I got home, my sweet husband presented me with a bouquet of flowers and said “Thank you for being so good to our babies”. While this gesture was greatly appreciated, this finally broke down the bridge of emotion that I had managed to hold together all day. I sat and sobbed thinking that I hadn’t been good to our babies, if I had we would have them in our arms and not be in the position we were in.

This year I don’t really know how to feel. I still miss our babies, more than I can say. But at the same time I have a very live baby in my arms whom I love more than life itself. But I feel like I can’t fully enjoy Mother’s Day. I want to feel like a “normal” mom. Like I can celebrate my motherhood without dragging my piles of baggage around with me. I just don’t know how to do it though.

I feel as though I am stuck between two worlds: One where infertility and loss rule my life. One where I am an overjoyed new mom with no cares in the world other than her daughter. How do I find a balance? As much as the losses pain me, I don’t want to “get over” them. I don’t want to ever forget where I have come from or what the cost was to get Muppet. But I want to enjoy this time, the time where my baby is growing and thriving.

I can only hope in time that I will be able to join my two worlds. This year I honor both Mother’s days. One for the 4 babies I lost and one for the baby who is currently climbing all over me.

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Filed under adoption, Baby Girl, Infertility, Miscarriage, Motherhood, RPL, Stay At Home Mom

What the future holds

I’ve noticed lately that a lot of infertile bloggers who have found their way to their babies have come to a brave decision. That once they get that long-awaited baby, they were done. They have their babies, whether singletons or twins, and call it quits because who wants to go through that mess again? We are lucky to get our babies.

I desperately wish sometimes that I could reach the same conclusion. But J and I are in agreement that our family is not complete and we really don’t want Muppet to be an only child. There is nothing wrong with this at all, both of us just grew up with a lot of siblings so to us that idea is totally foreign. But I can’t shake the idea that we are not done.

As I mentioned in my last post, J and I have been thinking a lot about how we want to continue to build our family now that Muppet is here. If you had asked me at the beginning of this year what our plans were I would have answered firmly and quickly. We would adopt two children and consider ourselves very blessed. Done. Story over.

During this time J agreed with my plan, except he would always sneak in that we could try for a third child naturally. I politely nodded my head and told him “Yeah, maybe.” All the while thinking that there was no way in hell that I would ever try to conceive again. I figured after we had adopted our second child I would find a way to tell him that I just couldn’t go through it again. We would have our family and all would be well.

Enter Muppet. This amazing little girl has changed my life, but she has also done something I never thought possible…she makes me want to have a baby.

Crazy no? I have no idea where this feeling comes from. I was sure about never getting pregnant again, there was not a shred of doubt. So why all the sudden do I want it again?

I don’t know. Typing it out makes me feel really crazy. I just can’t shake the feeling though. I know I’d have to go into it with a very different mindset, a very depressing one. I’d have to go into it knowing that I will likely have more miscarriages. I’d have to be detached. How horrible is that?

I’m not ready now. No way. I’m still too damaged. Plus I’m soaking up all the precious moments I have with Muppet. I refuse to remember the first portion of her life being tainted with my losses. I want to remember all these moments with her in complete joy. She is growing so fast, I already miss the little baby I brought home from the hospital. But I smell her head, touch her soft skin, and I know that she won’t be my only baby.

I’m so grateful for adoption. It has blessed my life so much and I truly can’t imagine life without Muppet. I know without a shred of doubt that she was always meant to be my child. I had to go through a hell of a lot to get her, but it was always supposed to be her. But now I feel like maybe there is another baby that I’m supposed to have as well and maybe, just maybe, that child is supposed to be carried by me.

We could do another adoption. It is always an option. I have just a few hesitancies, the big one being the money. It is incredibly expensive. I know we would only be able to do one more at most. The other is the idea of having two birth moms is a little overwhelming. I love A. She gave me the greatest gift anyone could have ever given me, but that doesn’t make the situation easy.

It will be awhile till I make any final decision, but as of right now I know what I want. I want something I never thought I would want again. And that really scares me.

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Filed under adoption, BABIES!, Crazy? I'm not crazy!, Healing, Infertility, Miscarriage, Motherhood, Pregnancy, RPL

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2013

Today, October 15th, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. I took a moment to read over my post from last year and it brought tears to my eyes, because everything I said in that post is still true. I’m in a completely different place. I have the most beautiful baby girl that I could ever have imagined but I’m still that girl who wrote those words.

I’ve struggled recently to find my place in this community. Because yes, I am now a mother…but I’m still infertile. And my wounds have still not healed. I would not change a hair on Muppet’s head, but I can’t help but wish that I had carried her for the first 9 months of her existence. I know that if that was the case, she would not be the same person but I wish it was possible.

And I still miss my babies. Every day. My beautiful girl is the light of my life but although I love her more than anything, she doesn’t take away the pain of my missing children. In my mind she has a big brother. MB. Who left this world far too soon. Along with the other unknown little angels. They will never be replaced or forgotten.

My heart aches for anyone who has ever had to experience the pain of pregnancy or infant loss. It is something that scars you deeply. I can only pray that my own sweet Muppet will never have to go through the things I had to on my journey to a family, but I know that if she does I will be able to hold her in my arms and help her understand that she is not alone in this pain. The same goes for everyone in this community who has lost a desperately loved child. I want to extend to all of you my love and comfort.

Today I remember my lost babies, just as I remember them everyday. I love them, forever and always.

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Filed under adoption, Healing, Infertility, Miscarriage